Unexpected dead. What comes next?

[Gfdez]

I guess I'm writing this to vent to people that have experienced similar things, as I feel everyone I talk to (including my mum) says inappropriate, insensitive clichés such as 'dont be sad', 'it's time to move on' and so on. I can see why people don't realise why these are not great things to say to someone who's grieving. I don't blame them; it is simply impossible for anyone to understand this sort of pain. It is a lonely process that I'll have to learn to deal with, but I will always feel sad about it. 

My dad died three months ago at the age of 57.

I moved from Venezuela over to Scotland 8 years ago, it had been 5 years since I seen him. He had cancer, of which he didn't tell me about as a way to protect me, so as it might have not been unexpected for everyone, it was unexpected to me. He was my hero,  my giant. The person I phoned at 3 am when I was drunk and sad and had no one to talk to, he never judged me for being an addict. I admired his analytical mind so much that he basically became my editor. Each of my projects was his work too, because nothing was finished until I thought he was pleased with it. Nothing I can write can really describe how much I love him and I could write a book about it. 

So needless to say, I've been unbelievable sad about his dead. I went back home for a month a day after he died and I saw his illness. It was very real. I saw all the medical gear that a terminal cancer patient has, photos of him skinny as he's never been -I remember I always told him that he needed to watch his weight, he was fat. I thought he could have had a heart attack. I wanted him to be healthy-, I read an essay he wrote about his disease where he explained that he couldn't even go to the toilet by himself. Before that I pictured my dad to be OK, not healthy, but not in the edge of dying. He always said that he was OK, every now.and then he mentioned his stomach was 'a little bit in pain', and that was it. 

I have no one I can talk about my projects, no one to calm me down like he used to. I'm scared I forget his voice, am I going to forget his voice? I don't have any recordings. I've been crying everyday for hours at the time. Me and my girlfriend are both worried about my mental health,  I've quit my job (which I don't think it's a big deal but I did quit because I was too sad to work). My relationship with my dad was unique, he was my best friend, and now he's gone and I don't really know what to do. I keep myself busy writing, mostly about him, and doing what I love. But my daily life is gone to s***, I don't know what to do.

[kayc]

I am so sorry, sorry for your loss, sorry that you weren't told ahead of time, sorry for what that means to you now.

Are you able to live without working, or is it easy for you to find another job when you need it?

I hope you will be able to find a good grief counselor to help you know where to start, they're able to help us in a time in which we have a hard time even thinking or functioning.

The cliches are helpful...quite the opposite.  It's good that you can cut them some slack, sometimes the unthinking things people say can be pretty hard to stomach.

I doubt you will forget his voice.  I lost my husband eleven years ago yet I still remember his voice, his smell, how it felt for him to hold me.  I don't think I will ever forget.  And the voice recordings I had on cellphone & landline disappeared abruptly, which I hadn't expected, that was tough.

Have you tried writing your dad a letter and just telling him what he meant to you and how you feel?  I have a file I write letters to my husband in, as well as posting/reading here, journaling, art therapy, grief counseling, reading grief books, watching videos on grief, etc.  It can be a long journey, and it's taken time and effort to try and make my life palatable, but I'm finally there.  It will never be the same as it was and I will always miss him, but I've learned to recognize the good that there still is in life and appreciate it.  Hard?  Yes!  But doable.

[Gfdez]

Hey Kay, 

Thank you for your kind words.

I'm okay for money just now, I'm studying and soon will get a different job but I think I need a bit of time because working as a chef can be super stressful. 

I will get a counsellor. Seems that they're the only people that can really know how to handle this.

I write to my dad all the time, I send him messages through Facebook and keep him updated on everything I'm doing. 

I guess this is all been too soon, and it's going to affect me for longer than I think, three months feels like years though. I just need someone to talk to and once I get a counsellor things might look up.

Thanks again.

[kayc]

You're right, three months in grief can seem like many years, that's for sure!  It sounds like you're doing the right things.  Remember to give yourself extra patience and understanding right now and take good care of yourself...we need all the help we can get when we're going through grief!

[seachelle]

On 8/20/2016 at 4:18 AM, Gfdez said:

I guess I'm writing this to vent to people that have experienced similar things, as I feel everyone I talk to (including my mum) says inappropriate, insensitive clichés such as 'dont be sad', 'it's time to move on' and so on. I can see why people don't realise why these are not great things to say to someone who's grieving. I don't blame them; it is simply impossible for anyone to understand this sort of pain. It is a lonely process that I'll have to learn to deal with, but I will always feel sad about it. 

My dad died three months ago at the age of 57.

I moved from Venezuela over to Scotland 8 years ago, it had been 5 years since I seen him. He had cancer, of which he didn't tell me about as a way to protect me, so as it might have not been unexpected for everyone, it was unexpected to me. He was my hero,  my giant. The person I phoned at 3 am when I was drunk and sad and had no one to talk to, he never judged me for being an addict. I admired his analytical mind so much that he basically became my editor. Each of my projects was his work too, because nothing was finished until I thought he was pleased with it. Nothing I can write can really describe how much I love him and I could write a book about it. 

So needless to say, I've been unbelievable sad about his dead. I went back home for a month a day after he died and I saw his illness. It was very real. I saw all the medical gear that a terminal cancer patient has, photos of him skinny as he's never been -I remember I always told him that he needed to watch his weight, he was fat. I thought he could have had a heart attack. I wanted him to be healthy-, I read an essay he wrote about his disease where he explained that he couldn't even go to the toilet by himself. Before that I pictured my dad to be OK, not healthy, but not in the edge of dying. He always said that he was OK, every now.and then he mentioned his stomach was 'a little bit in pain', and that was it. 

I have no one I can talk about my projects, no one to calm me down like he used to. I'm scared I forget his voice, am I going to forget his voice? I don't have any recordings. I've been crying everyday for hours at the time. Me and my girlfriend are both worried about my mental health,  I've quit my job (which I don't think it's a big deal but I did quit because I was too sad to work). My relationship with my dad was unique, he was my best friend, and now he's gone and I don't really know what to do. I keep myself busy writing, mostly about him, and doing what I love. But my daily life is gone to s***, I don't know what to do.

So sorry for your loss!  Grief can come in waves and when it hits me sometimes I wonder how I will function.  It's good that you are being proactive in finding a counselor.  I hope you were able to do so.  Being a chef is extremely stressful I've heard.  Also, I don't know what the labor laws in Scotland are like, but hopefully, if you seek employment again in the future you will be able to take time off here and there to take care of yourself and grieve.  In the meantime, please come on here anytime.  We are all in similar boats and its less scary to be with others.  Safety in numbers.