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Devastated loss guilt


don

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I just lost my 7 yr old boxer to a ruptured mass in her spleen so sudden probably cancer Hemangiosarcoma.I feel so much pain and guilt it is unbearable.She had been showing some signs like drinking more panting a bit more but it was hot out.also standing up and not wanting to lay down for minutes at a time but she was always a nervous dog so thought maybe was scared of something like thunder she was a bit more tired and coughed a couple times but thought just was clearing her throat.but in every case the next day she was fine running and playing in the yard with her ball was eating fine till the last morning.she yelped once a couple weeks ago but thought her paw got caught in couch she was laying on.then in morning she went out seemed  fine went back to bed with me then when tried to get her off bed she collapsed rushed to er vet they tried to save her but she died within an hour or 2.i still blame myself for not taking her to vet earlier maybe could have saved her to last even if cancer a couple months.the vet said she had mass on her spleen which ruptured they didn't have time to check to see if she had any more because she went into cardiac arrest during ultrasound.I just feel so much pain I can't sleep don't know how to handle this.I feel helpless don't want to be in my house so much reminds me of her .She would sit on my lap and put her paws around me hug me lay over my legs at night when we slept in bed she was so loving it makes it so hard to just be in my house I miss her so much.I know if it was cancer she wouldn't have lived much longer and I think it probably was so trying to just believe she was going to leave me no matter what I did.its just the extreme pain I feel I cry so much during the day.I feel empty without her with me.Thanks for listening needed to tell someone maybe hoping I could tell her.

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Don,

I am so sorry, losing a furry member of the family is one of the hardest things we can go through, for those of us who love them.  I think you're probably right that you wouldn't have had her longer regardless if you'd known or not.  I had a 19 year old cat with cancer, and had I known sooner what was going on, I would have had him put to sleep sooner because the vet said to imagine the worst head cold I'd ever had and multiply it by 1,000 and that is how he felt, but the original ER hospital I'd taken him to didn't catch it, I don't think they fully examined him, they wouldn't let me back with him.  

It's common to feel guilt after we lose someone we love, feeling if only we'd done this or that, they might still be here or might have had more comfort & less pain, but the truth is, we didn't know.  All they know is they loved us and we took the best care possible of them.

I hope these links are of some help to you:

http://www.veterinarywisdomprofessionals.com/resource_center/help_for_clients/client_handouts/a_dangerous_villain_guilt

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcQvYh_3Atw

 

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1 hour ago, don said:

Thanks for listening needed to tell someone maybe hoping I could tell her.

My dear Don, I'm so sorry for your loss. As Kay has said, the guilt you're feeling in the wake of your boxer's death is completely understandable ~ but also totally unwarranted and unjustified. Given how much you loved your dog and how attached you were to each other, is there any doubt that ~ if only you had known ~ you would have moved heaven and earth to save her? But the sad truth is that you simply didn't know. You're not Superman; you don't have Xray vision; you're not a qualified veterinarian. How could you have known how serious this was? And surely your companion knew how much you loved her! I think your statement above is key to your coming to terms with this painful loss. You needed to tell us, and you need to tell her. Perhaps you could construct a ritual for yourself: Write a letter of apology to your dog, pouring out all your sorrow and regret. Tell her how much you love her, how much you miss her, what you'll always remember about her ~ get it all out on paper (or on your computer) ~ then take the letter outside and burn it, letting all the pain and guilt go up with the smoke and dissipate into the air. This is just one idea ~ you are limited only by your own imagination. But the point is to find a way to unburden yourself of this heavy, heavy guilt ~ to find a way to forgive yourself. Telling your story, as you've done here with us, is another step toward alleviating your guilt. We can listen to your story; we can relate to your pain and the guilt you're feeling ~ but we do not hold you guilty as charged, because had we been in your shoes, we'd probably have done exactly what you did. Hearing that from others will help you to heal. There is not a person among us who would judge you for failing your dog ~ and my prayer for you is that one day you will stop judging yourself so harshly too. 

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Don, I am so sorry to hear about your dog's sudden death, and I feel really badly that you feel so guilty over something that is not your fault. How could you have known your dog was ill, based on the tiny clues that would only make sense to a vet and probably not even them until after it was too late. It is a sad truth that our beloved pets cannot tell us when something is wrong and provide us with details. Most pets figure out how to let us know when they are hungry, want to go out, or want some attention, but for the most part they have a limited range of ability when it comes to communication. We have to guess, and we learn how to guess the obvious stuff. Sometimes we guess right and sometimes not.

One day my dad's housekeeper was in the bathroom cleaning and my cat Lena was standing in the hall meowing her head off. I guessed that Lena, who had just eaten, wanted Kris to get out of the bathroom so Lena could use the litter box in privacy. I pointed this out to Kris, who stepped out. Lena stepped in, and when she was done she left and Kris resumed what she was doing. In a way that was a lucky guess, but the fact that Lena had just eaten and was close to and staring at Kris, who was standing over the litter box, were some pretty big clues.

The other thing I would suggest is that cats and small dogs typically hide their illnesses and complaints. A friend who is a retired vet told me this, and explained that many animals - pets and wild animals- know they they are more vulnerable to predators if they are weakened in any way and so they try their best to hide their symptoms. Of course our beloved pets are not in the same situation as a gazelle on the Serengeti with a lion in the distance, but I think that when any of us creatures feel vulnerable our instincts kick in. Sadly, that may mean that our pet who has no qualms about demanding dinner or treats or pets, is likely to hide their symptoms from us. We can train animals to alert us when a person is about to have a seizure or their blood sugar is at a dangerous level, but getting an animal to tell us when they themselves are in trouble is totally different and unfortunately, a lot more difficult.

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Thank you so much for all the support in helping me deal with the loss of my beloved boxer girl.The pain and missing her still just makes the day unbearable but slowly maybe my guilt will subside.I read up on Hemangiosarcoma and seen that it is called the silent killer as most of the signs are very vague and almost every case the owner would find out too late.In  my case there was internal bleeding but then the body would autotranfuse and my dog would be okay for a while until the tumor ruptures and then collapse and massive bleeding.Its almost like this cancer is taunting you before taking someone you love.I am trying to convince myself there wasn't much I could have done to save her and all your support really helps and I am trying to heal .at the same time I miss her so much my stomach feels sick I still cry  and wonder why did this happen.Im not blaming anyone but just feel  lost and helpless and empty.reading your comments and giving me support means so much and I appreciate you taking the time to try and help me get through this.I know she will always be in my heart .Still have to believe that she was gonna leave me no matter I did I wouldn't want her to suffer through a painful cancer.The missing is so hard .thank you for your help I really do need and appreciate it.

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I am so sorry for your loss.

I, too, lost my 7 year-old Greyhound to cancer (mast cell) suddenly in February this year. We had to decide to let him go 10 days after he stopped eating all of the sudden. He looked fine, although when I think about it, he did look somewhat "sad" or "depressed" but I kept thinking it was because it had been some snow and cold and we didn't get to go for walks which he loved. Just as you mentioned, there were some signs, but simply I didn't connect them with anything that serious. I can feel your pain in feeling guilty about not doing anything about it but as everyone mentioned, we are not supermen nor have power to foresee these things, nor veterinarians. And even if we did, our babies probably had to go sooner or later, cancer always wins in the end. It has been 6 months already. The pain never really goes away - it comes back like waves, but it eases in time. It was actually hard for me after 2-3 months we let him go, I guess because I was in so much shock and was numb at first and it started to become real that my big boy was gone for real. 

Hang in there. We've been there. It'll get better. Try to remember the love received, verses the love lost...  Your baby knows she was loved.

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Nikki sorry for your loss of your beloved greyhound and I am trying to look at like you said love received vs love lost but it is still so hard.I am trying to listen to everyone's kind supportive words but just today I got my girls ashes and the pain just came back full force.The not knowing if I could have saved her makes it worse as its bad enough I miss her so much.I realize it was probably cancer Hemangiosarcoma  and the vet said if it was that she would only last 1 to 3 months and maybe less as the tumors and bleeding could start up at any time.I feel so helpless and keep going back in time replaying what I could have done different.i know it's useless and I'll try and listen to everyone here giving me so much support I really appreciate it.i don't know how I would be handling it if I didn't get all your help.thanks again just trying to remember my girl as she was so loving and how much I loved her.

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Losing a beloved pet is just horrible. The worst pet loss I ever had was my cat  Mitten about 20 years ago. Not only did I lose her, I had become catastrophically allergic to cats and was not able to have another cat - or even a dog (I tried) - for 15 years. I thought it was forever, and I was envious of everyone I knew that had any kind of fuzzy pet. Just the sight of a pet store would make me wince because I was positive I would be pet less forever. It is a pain like no other. I used to keep dog treats in the trunk of my car because every dog (friends' dogs) who had ever met me was happy to see me, even if it was only "That woman=white car= car trunk=treats".  Maybe I didn't have my own cat or dog but I could have a little snippet of the happiness an animal can bring. A cat or a dog finds their way into our hearts in such a magical and intimate way...

But ultimately, even though no animal or person can ever replace another, there are other animals that need homes. After 15 years with no cat, I would have gladly taken any cat on the planet - blind, ill, disabled, missing limbs, anything - just to have a cat. And to end up with my lovely Lena - and being able to tolerate her - is beyond my wildest expectations of  all those pet-less years. But in the beginning after losing Mitten, I would have never believed it would be possible. I was ripped in half.

I think the more you love, the deeper you feel the loss. Conversely, I think the more you suffer loss and deprivation the greater is your later capacity for joy and fulfillment with what may come to you later. If it weren't for those 15 years, I don't think I would have ever been so ecstatic with a pet I wanted to share her with the world. Lena is a therapy cat and visits people who love cats but are unable to have one because they live in a place or with people who do not tolerate cats/pets. She just got her new tag from Pet Partners

 

Pet Partners.JPG

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16 hours ago, Clematis said:

"That woman=white car= car trunk=treats".

Haha, I love that!  I know animals are affected by bribery/treats, but my dog truly has the ability to love, my cat, I'm not so sure.  She can sure hold grudges!  But I love her enough for both of us so I guess it pans out.

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Kay, your cat loves you. Cats aren't stupid... My cat definitely loves me - they totally are capable of it. Lena crawls into bed with me every night at bedtime and first thing in the morning, drooling and purring. She doesn't do that (drooling and purring) for anyone else, although she will lie or crouch on the lap of a "client" even when she looks really uncomfortable, because that's her job, being a therapy cat. She does a lot for me - wears a harness and a leash, scratches only where she is supposed to, faithfully uses her box regardless of its condition, goes to work as a therapy cat, driving around town to get there - because I want her to. People say she's spoiled and I say she has a "reasonable compensation package". But ultimately she does it for me. I realized at some point that she really trusts me - not only to not hurt her but also to make the world safe for her. It is such an honor to earn the trust of an animal.

I think she is special, but the truth is that all cats are special and magnificent beings. We don't credit them with or expect of them anything near what their true capability is...Your cat too, Kay. They are just good at playing hard to get, manipulating us for power and control, and holding out to gain the upper hand. Anyway, think about it...we all love you and have never laid eyes on you (most of us anyway), and that cat lives with you! She knows who you are and that she's got it made...

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