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Just could not do it


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Al and I always cooked together and froze extra.  I found something in the freezer and checked it out.  It was home made chop suey.  Al always cut up the beef, pork and lamb.  I just could not eat it.  Such a shame to throw it out, but I probably would have choked on it.  I wonder if he could have eaten it...probably.  He always said that life was for the living.  Not sure if I know what that means anymore.  These triggers are so tiring!  Hope he forgives me for being wasteful.

Gin

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Gin I totally understand and you can be sure that Al is "OK" with it. Hugs.

Food was a big part of life for Tammy and me. She loved my cooking. Said I should open my own restaurant or compete on one of the TV cooking shows. The plates I served lunch on (on Tammy's last day) stayed on a counter for a year before I could muster up the "nerve" to put them in the dishwasher.  It's just the way our grieving mind works. We just loved them so much.

I'm over 17 months without Tammy and the triggers never end. This is just how our lives will be, but in time, I think we'll handle the triggers a bit better. Hopefully.

 

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He definitely forgives you IMHO!!

Ron loved Bud Light.  We had it at his beach service 6 months ago.  There was a lot left over.  They've been sitting in the driveway in a plastic bin, rained on until it overflowed, now there are plants that randomly started growing from the rain water.  I left it out there hoping someone would take them, I can't touch them (and don't like beer)...  I finally had a plumber replace the water heater, I've had virtually nobody at the house.  He laughed when he saw the bin of beer and the plants growing -- "Oh, it's a beer plant, that's where beer comes from!"...  These things that linger. So hard.  

It's not that he forgives you actually, it's that there is nothing to forgive.  He would not want you eating it if it caused you pain.  (((((Gin))))

Patty

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Thanks Patty.  Did you take a pic of the beer plant?  Is it still there?  All these triggers!!  Tonight there was a football game on TV.  I never watched a game until Al came into my life.  Then I watched every one with him.  I would not watch another one without him.

Gin

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I will! I'll show you.  And just now, I went to deliver a catering order.  I put on GPS, pulled up and realized it was the same house that Ron and I did a giant kick-butt Christmas catering order, the last one he ever did.  I was already falling apart because our weekly wholesale production doubled this week back to the level we used to do before Ron got sick. We got it all out and delivered, 1254 products (690 last week), a huge victory but It was totally bittersweet, and he should have been here for it.  It doubled because we were asked to be a premiere vendor at a Grocery Store opening next week, where our products will be featured. These are all the moments we dreamed of together.  What good are the good moments with nobody to share them with?  I need his hug. I need his physical presence.  I need to hold his hand like we always did, like the couple I just saw walking their dog like we did.  It just aches inside.

I understand about the game.  We were like that watching poker matches.  We were both really into it.  It's actually the last thing we did together on New Year's Eve before he was too sick with headaches to do anything.  I don't think I'll ever watch or play poker again.  The History Channel, his favorite and I would roll my eyes (and then enjoy it with him), will probably never play again in my house either.  I think it is ok to stay out of the way of triggers we know are there.  We certainly have enough that catch us off guard.

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2 hours ago, Patty65 said:

... a huge victory but It was totally bittersweet, and he should have been here for it.  ...These are all the moments we dreamed of together.  What good are the good moments with nobody to share them with?  I need his hug. I need his physical presence... 

... The History Channel, his favorite and I would roll my eyes (and then enjoy it with him)...  

... I think it is ok to stay out of the way of triggers we know are there.  We certainly have enough that catch us off guard.

Patty, I so get what you are saying.  The photo here is one I posted on Facebook earlier today.  Most people won't understand the photo but people here do.  

Being able to come 'here' what keeps me getting up in the morning.  We can be heard, understood and not worry about being criticized or be beaten with the 'you shouldas' and their crappy cousins the wouldas and couldas.

ps - beer garden sounds a little bit country and a lota red neck.  I'd like to be to see the picture.  ;)

image.jpeg

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2 hours ago, Patty65 said:

 What good are the good moments with nobody to share them with?  I need his hug. I need his physical presence.  I need to hold his hand like we always did, like the couple I just saw walking their dog like we did.  It just aches inside.

I keep asking myself that same question.   There aren't many of them now, but when the furry kids do something funny or our fav shows are on, you can't help but miss them so much.

Ah....couples.  I am so aware of them now.  Feel like I really stick out like other people alone I used to see.  I've changed ranks.  I've gotten so good at loneliness I can even tell when someone alone has someone to go home to.  It's in thier aura, if you will.  I even get sad hearing people talking on thier phones to thier partners.   Can't forget what it was like knowing someone cared where I was and would notice if I was late.  

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7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 

Ah....couples.  I am so aware of them now.  Feel like I really stick out like other people alone I used to see.  I've changed ranks.  I've gotten so good at loneliness I can even tell when someone alone has someone to go home to.  It's in thier aura, if you will.  I even get sad hearing people talking on thier phones to thier partners.   Can't forget what it was like knowing someone cared where I was and would notice if I was late.  

Wow!  That sure is something we notice now isn't it?  When I flew to Maui last year for my anniversary it drove home that point so strongly. Sitting alone on the plane I was surrounded by couples on their way to a romantic trip to paradise. All over the island I noticed couples hand in hand. At one point I asked myself "Why the hell are you doing this to yourself?". Yes you see what you didn't  notice before. You think about how you look so out of place. I went on a cocktail cruise to watch the sunset. Now just because I was the only single person on board................. Yeah that's sometimes a bit awkward, I do it anyway because the only other choice is to stay home and that day is just too damn special. But it's on a day such as that one that you see even more clearly couples in love all around you. In one way though you remember that you are still part of a couple in love only no one else can see her.

At the end of the day my friends you are faced with hiding from it or living with it. I choose to live with it and every year it gets just a little easier. Sorrow will always follow us on our journey. The trick is to learn how to embrace the happy in our hearts until it overpowers the sad.  I'll be the first one to say it's a bit*#.   I'd like to think I just had the courage to do what I do but I know that is not the case. She left something of her inside me. She was the bravest girl I have ever known.

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14 hours ago, Patty65 said:

What good are the good moments with nobody to share them with?  I need his hug. I need his physical presence.  I need to hold his hand like we always did

I think it is ok to stay out of the way of triggers we know are there.  We certainly have enough that catch us off guard.

Patty, I so understand what you are saying, we were always touching each other even after 34 years together, we were always no matter where we were, holding hands or touching each others arms or legs, just showing true affection and I miss that terribly.  I also agree about staying away from the triggers we know of, because you never know when one that you didn't realize was going to be one will hit you.

12 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Ah....couples.  I am so aware of them now.  Feel like I really stick out like other people alone I used to see.  I've changed ranks.  I've gotten so good at loneliness I can even tell when someone alone has someone to go home to.  It's in thier aura, if you will.  I even get sad hearing people talking on thier phones to thier partners.   Can't forget what it was like knowing someone cared where I was and would notice if I was late.  

Gwen, I'm the same way, I don't wish this on anyone, but it is hard when you see a couple and know you are not a couple, at least to everyone else.  I still feel like a couple inside but can't show that to anyone.

Joyce

 

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1 hour ago, brat#2 said:

  I still feel like a couple inside but can't show that to anyone.

 

Even if you could show it Joyce they would never see it.  I do though, every time I look at your profile picture and I see every other member that way because I am still a believer that death cannot stop true love. I just wish that love could satisfy the skin hunger we get from not having their touch.

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26 minutes ago, KATPILOT said:

Even if you could show it Joyce they would never see it.  I do though, every time I look at your profile picture and I see every other member that way because I am still a believer that death cannot stop true love. I just wish that love could satisfy the skin hunger we get from not having their touch.

So true, if they still have their spouse they don't know how much you will miss it. 

Joyce

 

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How many times I throw my arm over to his side of the bed... still... to nudge him about something on TV, to laugh with him...  the laugh isn't there, but the arm motion is still.  I've noticed recently I've started talking to him out loud.  It feels crazy -- I try not to judge it (as that then takes me out of the message that I needed to tell him at that moment) -- I've heard its not all that uncommon.

About 20 minutes after he was gone, the alarm went off on my phone at 1:34PM.  It was not one I set.  I fumbled to turn it off in my hysteria, and within a day or two turned off the "repeat daily" that it was set to.  It was too hard to hear that every day.  But last week, I turned "repeat" back on, and every day, it goes off at 1:34pm, I turn it off, and blow him a kiss.  I think I'm just so desperate to stay connected. So desperate, so alone.

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Patty, your picture is too great!  I needed that. :)

I'm sick of being sick.  Trying to muster up strength to go walk the dog again.  We have a pact, come hell or high water, we walk twice a day.  The only thing we wait out is lightening, I don't go out in that, but fortunately it doesn't last long.

Who said something about hurricanes?  Must live in FL?  Hoping all is subsiding now.  

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Coming back here feels so foreign, but at the same time I see a lot familiar names so I know I'm in the right place. Just did a quick read through and my heart tugged at knowing we are all still trying to cope and triggers are still there, still there for me too. Everyday. All day.

My life has got even worse, if that could be possible. I think my mom has Alzheimers. She went into the hospital for uncontrolled diabetes and I think that set it off. She had other health issues that kept her there for 3 weeks. She couldn't walk after and now she is in a SNF (Skilled nursing facility) and not doing good. I have seriously thought of hospice. I just feel so lost and overwhelmed, trying to do all this on my own. I need my sister here to share the stress and care giving. This is so hard. I have some aunts and my dad, but really, it's all on me as The Daughter. I really need my sister to lean on and don't have her. I feel so lost and stupid sometimes tying to talk to doctors and hospital staff and not really knowing if I'm asking the right questions or handling things correctly. I'm very passive and needed my sister to give me strength to speak up, complain, etc. I'm not equipped to make these decisions alone. I'm frantic in trying to figure out exactly what is wrong. The hospital and this SNF are crap and were ZERO help. They do nothing but tell me she's not eating, no offers of calling her treating doctor (who I can't stand and does nothing) or offering help.  She has stopped eating so I know where that will lead. I am in shock that I lost my sister and now this?

Oh, and I was laid off from my job 3 weeks before she went into the hospital. On that front, it came in handy because I had 24/7 to deal with her. This has totally consumed my life. I also just bought a car, so now a car and no job. Whew! This life!!! I want to just jump off a bridge. I'm just done.

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Patty, I talk to Dale out loud all the time so unless I'm crazy too, you are not crazy and it's normal, I think.  It just doesn't feel right to me NOT to talk to him, even though I don't get any answers, it somehow makes me feel better talking to him. 

Kay, I'm sorry you are still sick, I hope you will be feeling better soon.

HH - so sorry you are having to go through all that, sending you hugs

Big HUGS to all of us!

Joyce

 

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Gin,

It's just a virus, but it's a knock-down one.  I just have to ride it out.  I don't do "sick" well.  I tried to get the other co-treasurer to check the in basket and see if there's someone that needs reimbursed but she's going out of town so I guess they'll have to wait as I'm too sick to go in.  We'll see how next week goes.

Hollow Heart,

I'm sorry you're going through that, I went through it with my mom.  The hospital should be able to help you with referrals, I'd start by contacting senior services, they helped point us in the right direction, set up interviews with my mom to see her comprehension/understanding.  We had to sell her house to cover the cost of dementia care center as she needed 24/7 lockdown and two people to assist her at all times.  It's not fun or easy but you'll get through it, a day at a time.  If you can enlist the help of any family members, use them!

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