My Sweet Ruby

[ckoeppel]

My ten year old, sweet Ruby, a darling Yorkie passed on 8/10/2016. It was the worst day of my life. I work from home and we have literally been together 24/7 for her whole life. We had an abnormal relationship, a very unique bond. Although I have been married 31 years, my marriage has never been easy. Ruby was our glue that kept us together and my peace through all the chaos.

Ruby had numerous health issues such as an enlarged heart, an enlarged liver, a heart murmur, congestive heart failure, IVDD, and malignant mass cells and leukemia. Although she was dealing with so much, she was a happy little girl and had a wonderful quality of life. Her vets/specialists couldn't believe how tough she was and claimed my love for her kept her going.

I am dealing with a great amount of guilt and regret. I hope someone can comfort me in ways no one else can. My family has accepted her death and have moved on choosing not to talk about her at all. I am grieving horribly and need to talk. I cry every day, can't sleep, can't eat, and have no desire to do anything. I know Ruby wouldn't want me to be this way, but when she passed I feel like I disappeared and a part of me went with her. I can't even begin to describe how hard my heart aches. In addition to grieving, I believe I am depressed and can't snap out of it.

Ruby was taking gabepentin, furosemide, spironlactone, enalapril, Vetmedin, and palladia (chemo). She was doing really great, her heart shrunk and her cancer was not spreading and the leukemia was almost gone. She tolerated the chemo great with no vomiting, hair loss, etc. Her IVDD was getting worse and she occasionally had back pain which is why she took gabepentin. Prior to her heart meds and chemo I could occasionally give her rimadyl for inflammation. 

During a an appointment with her oncologist it was discovered her kidney values were a tiny bit increased after starting the chemo but nothing alarming. A week or so after this appointment I noticed her activity level was decreased and she was favoring her back. I made the mistake of giving her rimadyl on five separate days without speaking to the oncologist first. I did review her discharge notes to see if it was an acceptable medication on her list of drugs and it was.

The next appointment her kidney values were even higher moving her into stage 2 kidney failure. The oncologist decreased her chemo dosage and requested a return visit in two weeks.

During that two week period Ruby quit drinking water and her appetite decreased to almost nothing. I knew better but the only way I could give her meds was in a small piece of cheese and put a few soup crackers in her food. She ate the crackers so I assumed it was helping until she began vomiting and having diahrrhea. I knew right away she might have pancreatitis since we went through this a couple of other times. Pancreatitis is extremely painful and she wasn't eating or drinking and continued to get sick.

Monday, 8/8 I called the vet to see if she could do a test checking for pancreatitis and her oncologist recommended checking her kidney values. Sure enough she had pancreatitis all induced by the crackers and cheese I gave her. I knew she could only eat her Hill's Science prescription food. In addition we learned she was anemic and her BUN was greater than 130 and her creatinine was so high the machine couldn't read it. The vet said she was in stage 4 kidney failure and told me to euthanize her. I honestly got angry and went into shock with disbelief. The vet gave her a low dosage of morphine for her pain and we went home. I was exhausted from losing several nights of sleep caring for Ruby. When we got home I laid on the bed to rest. My husband brought Ruby in and put her on the bed with me. I never let her do that because of her back and the possibility of her jumping off the bed. I fell asleep snuggled up to her and the morphine shot made her unaware and she jumped off the bed and I believe she herneated her bad spinal discs. She was in pain that evening but I couldn't give her gabepentin because of the interaction with the morphine. During the night she had diahrrhea and was restless.

Tuesday 8/9 she was declining more. I didn't give her pain meds again because she took it in her food but wasn't eating and threw up the liquid injection. I know she was hurting. I slept on the floor with her that night and she woke me with collapsiing. I stayed awake all night watching her and caring for her knowing on 8/10 we would have to put her down. The next morning she just laid in her bed very out of it. I gave her water through a syringe because she was dehydrated. I laid on the floor by her all day caressing her back telling her I loved her. We were waiting for my girls to arrive so we could go to the vet as a family. During that time Ruby had a stroke and getting to the vet quick was not happening fast enough. I didn't want her to suffer and I was a nervous wreck. The vet held over to wait for us but didn't take her time to make it special for us. I held her on my lap and sang "You Are My Sunsine" which I did every night before she went to sleep. I felt her heart stop as I was singing and I became numb. I am still haunted by that experience.

I have replayed and replayed what happened. Did I give her too much medicine, or not enough, did she hurt her back and why did I allow her to be on the bed? Did she go into full blown kidney failure after I learned that the rimadyl I gave her was the straw that broke the camel's back? Should I have not agreed to Palladia (chemo)? Simply what did I do and why couldn't I have saved her? It is almost as if when I heard "euthanize" I shut down and didn't follow through with the same great care for her.

Also, on the way to the vet I wanted to hold her in my arms and tell her how much I loved her, tell her how happy she made me, and how much I would miss her. My husband went on one of his temper rages. I got in the front seat but couldn't hold her without a seat belt. I tried getting out to sit in the back seat and my husband pulled me back down and backed out. He screamed at me the whole way and Ruby had no choice but to lay next to me cramped with a bad back. I honestly am so upset about that trip because that is what she remembered before passing. I wanted it to be calm and special for myself and Ruby.

Almost a month later I am still grieving and feeling terrible guilt/regret. Towards the end she wanted to rest in her bed and my attention wasn't there like it should have been while dealing with multiple other stresses.

Ruby was the love of my life and I am honestly worried about myself. I hate being alone without her and feel like I have no purpose. I keep hoping to feel her spirit and the only thing remotely close is the rainbow that appeared last night off our deck. I have been told my emotions are preventing me from feeling her spirit.

Needless to say I am not the same person without her. Everything is a struggle and I am very short on patience. I think of her constantly and hope she knows even though all of the above happened that I loved her with every ounce of my sole.

 

 

[Cheryl J]

Such a precious baby. So sorry for your loss of Ruby. I totally understand your grief. Our animals are family. Prayers your way. 

Cheryl

[Crossmateo]

I had to put my beloved Princess (a 10 yr old Pitbull) to rest this past thurs (9/1/16) so I am feeling the same as you. My dog was losing weight and drinking a lot of water. The vet said she had pyometra and needed to be spayed ASAP. So i took her in mon 8/29 for surgery. Once on the table he saw there was a huge tumor behind stomach and wanted to not allow her to wake up. I said absolutely not! I brought Princess home that evening and gave her all the love she deserved. The day after surgery she was good and eating but the day after she wouldnt eat. I took her in 9/1 to be put to rest. The hardest thing I have ever done. I am new to this site and sorry to post my story as a reply to yours. I just want you to know that someone else out there is feeling the same grief and pain. I also cry everyday while my family seems fine. I am depressed and feel like a part of me is gone. Just last night I put her dog tag on my necklace, it gave me a bit of comfort. I hope you start feeling better, our dogs might be playing together.

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry to learn of the untimely death of your beloved Princess, my friend. Please know that we are thinking of you and sharing in your sorrow . . . 

[kayc]

Ckoeppel,

I am so sorry, I know you are missing your Ruby like nothing else in your life, she was your everything, and I know how that feels.  I am sorry your husband has these rages...it could be he is responding the only way comfortable to him (anger) and cares but doesn't know how to properly show it...I realize that isn't much help to you.  I hope you don't have to live like this forever and can figure a way through this that is healthy and acceptable to you.

It is so common for us to second guess ourselves with loss...did we do this or that right?  Should we have done something else?  Would anything have made a difference?  I felt like that when my husband suddenly died of a heart attack.  The truth is, Ruby had so many physical problems, there probably is no way she would have continued to live with all of this.  The fact that she made it this long is testament to your wonderful care of her.  It sounds like the vet had already given up on her...they were aware of her multiple problems and what they meant.  It is so hard to finally admit it's time and let go for their sake.  My son had to do this with his dog three years ago and I can't tell you how much we miss him...even though he was my granddoggy, he lived with me much of his life and he was a special dog, kind of like down's syndrome, simple and yet so very, very sweet, so guileless, it's been hard to go on without him.  He's buried in my back yard, and I think of him often.

Have you thought of a way you can memorialize Ruby, some way to honor her life?  I think that helps us who are still living.

I hope these links are of help to you...one is the Rainbow Bridge, and the other two are guilt following death.  My heart goes out to you, you are carrying such a heavy load.  You are in my prayers.  Ruby is adorable, I can understand how much you must love her.

http://www.veterinarywisdomprofessionals.com/resource_center/help_for_clients/client_handouts/a_dangerous_villain_guilt

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcQvYh_3Atw

[kayc]

Crossmateo,

I am sorry for your loss also.  I hope you find comfort in reading the threads here and knowing you are not alone.  I hope you'll also take some time to check out some of the links that could be helpful.

[MartyT]

ckoeppel, I'm so sorry that I didn't see your post at the top of this page until just now. I agree with all that Kay has said to you. Given her myriad physical problems, it is a wonder that your darling little Ruby lived as long as she did, and it certainly is a testament to the loving care you gave to her. As loving and forgiving as our precious fur babies are, I'm sure that Ruby knew how very much you loved her and how hard you tried to keep her alive and healthy, and I hope you find a way to forgive yourself for letting her go.

As it happens, just this morning I learned of a resource that you may find helpful. Ferris Jay is a practitioner who uses EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques, also known as Tapping) to assist pet parents coping with the loss of a cherished animal companion. See Navigating Pet Loss (with EFT Tapping Video)  ♥

[ckoeppel]

Thank you so much. I will take a look at your suggested resource. I am new to this community and the responses I received are already giving me comfort.

[ckoeppel]

7 hours ago, Cheryl J said:

Such a precious baby. So sorry for your loss of Ruby. I totally understand your grief. Our animals are family. Prayers your way. 

Cheryl

Thank you, Cheryl. I appreciate the support, kind words, and prayers.

Cindy

[ckoeppel]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

Ckoeppel,

I am so sorry, I know you are missing your Ruby like nothing else in your life, she was your everything, and I know how that feels.  I am sorry your husband has these rages...it could be he is responding the only way comfortable to him (anger) and cares but doesn't know how to properly show it...I realize that isn't much help to you.  I hope you don't have to live like this forever and can figure a way through this that is healthy and acceptable to you.

It is so common for us to second guess ourselves with loss...did we do this or that right?  Should we have done something else?  Would anything have made a difference?  I felt like that when my husband suddenly died of a heart attack.  The truth is, Ruby had so many physical problems, there probably is no way she would have continued to live with all of this.  The fact that she made it this long is testament to your wonderful care of her.  It sounds like the vet had already given up on her...they were aware of her multiple problems and what they meant.  It is so hard to finally admit it's time and let go for their sake.  My son had to do this with his dog three years ago and I can't tell you how much we miss him...even though he was my granddoggy, he lived with me much of his life and he was a special dog, kind of like down's syndrome, simple and yet so very, very sweet, so guileless, it's been hard to go on without him.  He's buried in my back yard, and I think of him often.

Have you thought of a way you can memorialize Ruby, some way to honor her life?  I think that helps us who are still living.

I hope these links are of help to you...one is the Rainbow Bridge, and the other two are guilt following death.  My heart goes out to you, you are carrying such a heavy load.  You are in my prayers.  Ruby is adorable, I can understand how much you must love her.

http://www.veterinarywisdomprofessionals.com/resource_center/help_for_clients/client_handouts/a_dangerous_villain_guilt

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcQvYh_3Atw

Thank you so much. I have never experienced anything as tough as this. Losing family is hard but this loss is especially hard for me. I am confident her pain was from jumping off the bed and rupturing discs. Her IVDD was getting worse to begin with and then the jump happened. I am just beating myself up as to why I allowed her on the bed knowing that was a possibility. Perhaps her back was the true cause of all her pain and lack of appetite for several weeks. I do know when she had gabepentin twice a day her activity level spiked.  There is such a thing as a spinal stroke where a clot develops from a spinal cord injury. It just makes me sick knowing if that had not have happened she might still be here. I am naturally hard on myself so the resources you shared will be helpful. Thank you!

[ckoeppel]

6 hours ago, Crossmateo said:

I had to put my beloved Princess (a 10 yr old Pitbull) to rest this past thurs (9/1/16) so I am feeling the same as you. My dog was losing weight and drinking a lot of water. The vet said she had pyometra and needed to be spayed ASAP. So i took her in mon 8/29 for surgery. Once on the table he saw there was a huge tumor behind stomach and wanted to not allow her to wake up. I said absolutely not! I brought Princess home that evening and gave her all the love she deserved. The day after surgery she was good and eating but the day after she wouldnt eat. I took her in 9/1 to be put to rest. The hardest thing I have ever done. I am new to this site and sorry to post my story as a reply to yours. I just want you to know that someone else out there is feeling the same grief and pain. I also cry everyday while my family seems fine. I am depressed and feel like a part of me is gone. Just last night I put her dog tag on my necklace, it gave me a bit of comfort. I hope you start feeling better, our dogs might be playing together.

I am so sorry for your loss. I know vets are trained to accept euthanizing as a gift to pets in pain and trouble, but I really wish they were trained to be more empathetic. The day we decided to put her down the vet was supposed to get off at 6:00 pm. She stayed a little later so my daughter could be there but the whole thing was rushed with no compassion. She left Ruby laying on the table and I asked what they would do with her body before cremation. She said "We will put her in the freezer over night." I know that is what they do but how insensitive. I pray we both can get past this grief. Hugs!

[Crossmateo]

Thank you i found some comfort knowing that someone out there feels just like I do. I hope it helps to know that you're not alone . I found this site after reading a book on the loss of a pet. I hope it can help us both to begin the healing process

[kayc]

19 hours ago, ckoeppel said:

Losing family is hard but this loss is especially hard for me.

It's no wonder...our parents, siblings don't live with us, aren't part of our everyday lives like our animals are.  Dogs are especially loyal, loving, forgiving, trusting, qualities that make us able to develop very close relationships with them.  In addition, like you said, they are our constant companions, eager to see us and please us.  It's no wonder we miss them so incredibly when they're gone!

[ckoeppel]

I agree wholeheartedly. Thank you for such comforting words.

[Crossmateo]

I was just wondering how you are doing? Have you found anything that is helping for you or giving you comfort?

[ckoeppel]

Hi! I am still struggling. I cry less, but think about her constantly. I have been watching Grief Healing YouTube videos and praying a ton. Since I haven't been crying non-stop I have actually receive a few signs from her spirit. She loved to play in the backyard and loved when I was out there with her. I have dreaded going into the yard because of my grief and the sweet memories. Our patio furniture cover blew off in the backyard and I had no choice but to go get it. When I walked down the steps I noticed something pink in the area where she always sat in the sun. It was a single pink rose petal. Pink roses are my favorite and I think it was a sign from Ruby. Over the weekend I was cooking dinner and happened to look outside. There was a huge rainbow which made me think she was letting me know she was there and feeling better. Every night we sat on the porch and drank coffee while Ruby stared down bugs and slugs. It was her favorite thing to do! A couple of nights ago we were sitting outside like always and this baby bunny literally ran up the porch steps onto the porch where we were sitting. That has never happened! I may be going crazy, but I was walking down our hallway and something caught my eye near the dining room table. It was as if something ran past real quick. Ruby always rested near the dining room table on our rug. Knowing some of this has happened, I feel like she is still with me watching over me everyday. When I am alone I still talk to her and I have decided to buy a journal and write in it daily from the day she passed sharing my daily activities and expressing my feelings toward her. I think it will help. 

Yesterday we received a letter from the Veterinary Cancer Society informing us that Ruby's oncologist, Dr. Kevin Choy, of Seattle Veterinary Specialists made a generous donation honoring Ruby. To express their appreciation, VCS is honoring Ruby on their online Pet Memorial page.

In addition to this wonderful gesture, Dr. Choy and his staff sent me a darling children's book entitled "Dog Heaven." Both Dr.Choy and her cardiologist and their entire staff wrote sweet and comforting notes on each page of the book.

I will never regret my decision to pursue Ruby's specialists. Dr. Choy was the kindest vet I have ever met. He called me nightly when Ruby was failing to see how I was holding up. I needed reassurance and understanding of all her health issues and sent thousands of emails to him and made multiple phone calls. Not once did he overlook to respond and each message was clear and tender. I am ever so grateful for his knowledge, kindness, and love for Ruby. Our hearts are still aching but this sort of stuff seems to ease our pain. ❤️
How are you holding up? I hope you have been able to find a little peace. I believe it will take time for both of us to move on, but that is okay. Unfortunately my husband doesn't like to talk about her or what happened, so I haven't been able to share my thoughts with him. I think my family believes I have lost my mind, but I need to grieve, I need to cry, and it is okay if I miss her terribly. This has been harder than losing any relative. I believe it is the bond we had and the unconditional love.

Hugs to you!

[MartyT]

Dear one, I'm so impressed by the way your veterinary specialists are handling this. It makes such an important difference for you. Also, I hope you know that, just because your family members aren't reacting the same way as you are, it doesn't mean they aren't grieving or that they do not care. We all react to and handle grief differently and in our own ways. See, for example, How We Mourn: Understanding Our Differences. See also Is Pet Loss Comparable to Loss of a Loved One?   ♥

[ckoeppel]

Hi Marty,

I agree completely about everyone grieving differently. I am a very emotional person and my husband isn't. I recognize that and just have to learn how to communicate effectively respecting his feelings too. My husband is a good person and loved Ruby just as much as I did. I am confident it is hard on him and I believe he handles his grief internally. 

I love this site and reading the posts. It certainly brings me some peace. Ruby had terrific care and I am so very grateful. They loved her and knew how important she was to me. The oncologist told me he used to work in Japan as a primary care vet. He said maybe 5 people out of 100 would actually follow through with a specialist recommendation. He told me I can be proud of well I cared for. Such a nice person with a very kind heart. I was blessed!

Cindy

[kayc]

Cindy, 

Your report is good and I am glad to hear it.  Grief is difficult at best,but you are doing all of the right things to propel yourself through it.  Your oncologist is right, you did everything you could for your little Ruby.  I'm glad she had such a caring oncologist too!

[ckoeppel]

Good morning, Kayc!

Thank you for your comments. Every day is different with my grief. I think it is going to take a while for me to get through it. The hard part is getting people around me to understand. I sold Ruby's gate on Craigslist and I cried an ugly cry handing it over to the buyer. I am keeping her blanket, toys, and clothes but have decided to donate the rest to the animal shelter. I am having a sterling silver ring handmade with a stone combined with a teaspoon of her ashes. The band is an angel wing. I am also having an urn sculpted. They do an exact relica of your pet and I have decided to use a pic of her with her bone in her mouth. See attached.

I have a question that might be silly. Do owls represent death or spirit? This morning I was woke up by a hooting and screeching owl on our roof. I have googled it and read multiple versions. I suppose a part of me hopes it is a spiritual symbol connected to Ruby. 

I hope all of you in our group have a wonderful weekend.

Cindy

[kayc]

I love this picture, she is so cute!  I like your idea about having jewelry made containing her ashes...I wish I'd done that with my husband's ashes before scattering them, but I hadn't heard of it prior to that.

I don't know anything about owls, my DIL collects them but I don't know what they represent.

[Crossmateo]

You are definately not crazy will all those things. Your sweet Ruby is trying to comfort you. Right after I let Princess go to heaven, I pulled over in a park to cry. I was talking to my best friend on the phone and this squirrel was sitting on a bench staring at me. I know it was Princess letting me know she was ok. Then another squirrel came and they started playing (i think my moms dog). Then a third came and was watching them play. My best friend said that was her son, who passed at 17 months old. They are all together and happy.  The other day I was laying down on my couch after taking my son to school. My husband went to work and my stepson and youngest son were sleeping. I felt someone get off the couch and walk to kitchen, then heard a bag rustle in the kitchen. I thought nothing of it until I got up and saw everyone was sleeping. I think Princess was laying with me to bring me comfort. Her food bag is still in the kitchen. I still cry, I am still devastated but I am starting to cope a little better. I feel like I am the only one who is grieving in my house. I still havent got her ashes back yet, but I bought a necklace with a vile for ashes and also plan on having the jewelry made.  I look at her pictures and talk to her every day. I put her bed and food dishes away but I miss her so much. I am sure our pets are playing together, glad that we have found some comfort sharing our stories on this site. Hugs to you.

[ckoeppel]

Reading the signs you hav experienced reassures me I am not losing my mind. I love the squirrel part of your story! Last night I woke up to go to the bathroom and when I got back In bed I smelled a strong scent of Ruby. We didn't allow her on our bed because it was tall and she suffered with IVDD so we didn't want her jumping off. Before we went to bed my husband always put her in bed for a bit and she would always lay on my side. I am confident the smell last night was her in bed on my side. Gives me so much peace to know she is still with me. 

I started seeing a face to face grief counselor yesterday. She gave me some clarity as to what happened those final days. She said when an animal is on its final journey they will do something memorable with you. Ruby never liked to sit on my lap or cuddle much. Two days before her passing she sat on my lap for over four hours. I attached a photo. She also said if an animal stares at you intently they are giving you a sign it is the end. Ruby did that and I even asked her if something was wrong.  I struggled with my lack of emotion during the final three days. She told me after I told her the complete story that she thinks when I heard the vet say "euthanize" it threw me into sort of a shock but I believe it was disbelief. Ruby always pulled through everything and I just knew she would this time too. She said animals are aware they are dying 24-48 hours in advance. She said they will pull away or isolate themselves which is what Ruby did. She said they do that to prepare the owner.  As far as my grieving and no one else is, she said grieve, cry, and do whatever makes me feel better because it could take days, weeks, or months.

I pray for peace every night. I just hope her spirit doesn't fade over time. 

I hope everyday gets easier for both of us. ??

[Crossmateo]

Awww, now that I think of that Princess was sort of distant the last day and a half. I thought she was mad at me and in pain from the surgery, but maybe she just knew. I feel better knowing that. I also smell her sometimes too, they were out babies and theyre trying to comfort us. I honestly though I was going crazy until I read your story, Im glad that I had someone to share my story with. I tried looking into the owl symbolism but like you couldnt really find a straight answer. Im sure it had to be positive because what worse could happen at this point right? Everytime I see an animal come close or do something out of the ordinary I think its Princess. So maybe it was your sweet Ruby saying hello.

[MartyT]

Dear ones, see Owl Spirit Animal  ♥