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Losing it


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I wish there was something I could do for you!  I know this feelings.  Many people on this forum say that grief comes in waves and that is my experience too.  It's slightly consoling to know that the feelings will ebb, not completely, but maybe for a while.  It's amazing how little grief is spoken of or accounted for in our culture considering how devastating it is.  It's like being plunged into a major depression with bipolar tendencies yet there are so few support groups, and so few supports in general.  All I can say is that what you are experiencing is normal.  You are not alone!  We are here for you!  Many contributors have tips on coping as well though it's hard to discuss them without sounding trite.  All you can do is give yourself a break and try to be good to yourself as you go through this.  

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7 hours ago, seachelle said:

I wish there was something I could do for you!  I know this feelings.  Many people on this forum say that grief comes in waves and that is my experience too.  It's slightly consoling to know that the feelings will ebb, not completely, but maybe for a while.  It's amazing how little grief is spoken of or accounted for in our culture considering how devastating it is.  It's like being plunged into a major depression with bipolar tendencies yet there are so few support groups, and so few supports in general.  All I can say is that what you are experiencing is normal.  You are not alone!  We are here for you!  Many contributors have tips on coping as well though it's hard to discuss them without sounding trite.  All you can do is give yourself a break and try to be good to yourself as you go through this.  

Thank you seachelle, I have been looking for a support group locally but have not found any that works with my schedule.  I HAVE to get an appointment with my therapist.  I know that will be beneficial.  I am glad I found this site.  Just putting it out there to share helps.  One day at a time is all I can do...vent when I need to....cry when I need to.

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3 hours ago, Cheryl J said:

I am glad I found this site.  Just putting it out there to share helps.  One day at a time is all I can do...vent when I need to....cry when I need to.

So true!  I remember when my husband died unexpectedly (he was barely 51), I felt like all of my power had been stripped from me, after all, no one asked ME if I wanted this!  No one checked with ME, and I was his wife!  I found that expressing myself helped restore some of that sense of power.  Posting here, writing him letters, talking to someone, it all helped.  I hope you can get in to your therapist...I hope it's someone trained in grief, not all are.  I'm sorry you haven't found a support group that works with your schedule.  Have you tried contacting hospice?  Sometimes they have something that can help and it's free.

You mention venting...I remember driving out in the woods and screaming at the top of my lungs!  I probably scared the wildlife away.

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2 hours ago, MartyT said:

(Using your car is a good place to vent, too, as no one can hear you scream if you're alone. Just make sure your car is parked when you do it. No wildlife will be harmed. :unsure:)

Very good advise....driving around here focused is a challenge with the deer. :)

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3 hours ago, kayc said:

So true!  I remember when my husband died unexpectedly (he was barely 51), I felt like all of my power had been stripped from me, after all, no one asked ME if I wanted this!  No one checked with ME, and I was his wife!  I found that expressing myself helped restore some of that sense of power.  Posting here, writing him letters, talking to someone, it all helped.  I hope you can get in to your therapist...I hope it's someone trained in grief, not all are.  I'm sorry you haven't found a support group that works with your schedule.  Have you tried contacting hospice?  Sometimes they have something that can help and it's free.

You mention venting...I remember driving out in the woods and screaming at the top of my lungs!  I probably scared the wildlife away.

I'm going to reach out to the grief counselor at hospice to see if she can help me find a group near by. 

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Cheryl, I actually ended up missing a session with a group and did it one on one with my grief therapist that hospice provided and i think I prefer it alone, maybe thats an option?

 

And dont feel bad about losing it, I think I need to lose it but Im clamped down. I saw my dads old work truck the other day and picked up my arm to wave when I remembered he wasnt alive anymore. That was horrible. I felt like I got punched. 

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8 hours ago, sharirouse said:

Cheryl, I actually ended up missing a session with a group and did it one on one with my grief therapist that hospice provided and i think I prefer it alone, maybe thats an option?

 

And dont feel bad about losing it, I think I need to lose it but Im clamped down. I saw my dads old work truck the other day and picked up my arm to wave when I remembered he wasnt alive anymore. That was horrible. I felt like I got punched. 

Thanks Sharirouse, I still have my dads contact info in my phone. I almost called it the other night just out of habit. 

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11 hours ago, sharirouse said:

I saw my dads old work truck the other day and picked up my arm to wave when I remembered he wasnt alive anymore.

Oh Shari, I am so sorry, that is really hard. :(

Cheryl, my heart goes out to you.  You really have a lot on your plate.

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Hmm...crush the mouse, not the car...a lot cheaper to replace.

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2 hours ago, Finch said:

I lost it in my car last week and punched my steering wheel, dashboard and the door several times.

 

I am also on the verge of losing it today and I nearly crushed my mouse within my grasp. 

 

Not a real mouse, a PC mouse.

Finch, letting out anger can, at times, certainly be a healthy thing. I kind of wonder though, if smashing up the interior of your car or computer parts is a healthy and productive way to express it. Have you talked to anyone about your bursts of anger?

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1 hour ago, mittam99 said:

Finch, letting out anger can, at times, certainly be a healthy thing. I kind of wonder though, if smashing up the interior of your car or computer parts is a healthy and productive way to express it. Have you talked to anyone about your bursts of anger?

Yes, I have mentioned it to both of my counselors. I should add that these outbursts are pretty sporadic, and have decreased significantly compared to several months ago. But I agree that I could better express them in other ways. I've tried to motivate myself to do more exercise, with mixed success. 

I think, as Marty alluded to Cheryl above, being in the parked car is a recipe for it. Personally it's one of the few times I'm alone during the day, and in complete, deafening silence. Just me and my thoughts, echoing around me.

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I would be concerned, Finch, with the airbag problems we have going on, I would be afraid to set one off and getting hurt.  I think Marty was talking about venting/screaming to let it out.  I would hate to see you hurt yourself or damage your car, although I can understand your frustration & anger.

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8 hours ago, Finch said:

I lost it in my car last week and punched my steering wheel, dashboard and the door several times.

 

I am also on the verge of losing it today and I nearly crushed my mouse within my grasp. 

 

Not a real mouse, a PC mouse.

Finch, I just now saw this.  Are you a little better tonight?  When that anger and frustration kicks in it is a pain in the butt.

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11 hours ago, Cheryl J said:

Finch, I just now saw this.  Are you a little better tonight?  When that anger and frustration kicks in it is a pain in the butt.

Yes. It is. Sorry, I don't want to hijack this thread. I'm going through a weird time at the moment. Rejection/lack of acknowledgement/inability to find the answers I want and having to accept that, resorting to spending hours looking at mediums, physical health pretty bad, frustrations boiling over, dark thoughts and feelings of pointlessness increasing in frequency back to what they were a few months ago. So when I saw the thread title 'Losing it', it struck a nerve!

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1 hour ago, Finch said:

Yes. It is. Sorry, I don't want to hijack this thread. I'm going through a weird time at the moment. Rejection/lack of acknowledgement/inability to find the answers I want and having to accept that, resorting to spending hours looking at mediums, physical health pretty bad, frustrations boiling over, dark thoughts and feelings of pointlessness increasing in frequency back to what they were a few months ago. So when I saw the thread title 'Losing it', it struck a nerve!

I understand.  Hang in there and always here if you need to chat.  We are all in this together.

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Finch, are you still seeing a grief counselor?  Have you had any luck with the mediums search?  I know your circumstances make this so much harder, I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. :(

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On 9/9/2016 at 2:32 PM, kayc said:

Finch, are you still seeing a grief counselor?  Have you had any luck with the mediums search?  I know your circumstances make this so much harder, I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. :(

Kay, thanks. Yes I am seeing a grief counselor. Been seeing him for around 4 or 5 months now. and we are at the point where it is slowly tapering down, first weekly now to bi-weekly. It's a free service so it is time limited.

It has been a particularly bad couple of weeks and my frustration is at an all time high, I think following the contacting of Crystal's dad and realising it's not really an avenue I can pursue to help with my process, or share in grief with those that knew her, due to the nature of our complex relationship. I'm finding it so hard to accept that I can't mourn my soulmate, in the way that I feel I need to.

Some small progress so far with the medium search. I will update the other thread.  

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Cheryl, I almost called him a couple times too out of habit :/ 

KayC, thank you, it was definitely a very sobering moment. Yuck.

Finch, I had to laugh when I saw your post about almost breaking a PC mouse. I process almost all hard feelings through anger so I experience it very often LOL. I sometimes feel like an adult 3 yr old when I have outbursts. Punched a couple stuffed animals. Its a funny mental image in retrospect. Hopefully you will feel better soon! 

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