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Hi everyone,

I stumbled upon this site and thought I'd post. I don't know what else to do. I lost my mother, my best friend about 3 weeks ago to bone cancer and I feel like I just want to die.

I haven't showered, enjoyed the pool, walked the dog. I can hardly get out of bed. I feel like I can't take it anymore.

I also got into a car accident two days before she died, broke up with my boyfriend, and lost my cat. I feel like everything is gone. I took it all for granted and it's all gone.

I can't bear it. Nothing seems to help at all. I also had to sell my house because I have no income coming in plus I hate living here.I only have so much time before I have to move. Whatever close family I had is gone and I was raised in this house.

I'm scared, weak, actually petrified. She was my best friend...we did everything together. I feel like I lost my legs plus I miss my ex bf and my cat. I just feel like I am going nuts.

Any help would be appreciated. Thanks in advance.

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Wow, you are going through a lot at once, any one of which would be enough to derail you, but your mom, your cat, and your BF all at the same time?!  And facing moving, and no job?  
I am so sorry for all you are going through.

I hope you will make an appt. with a grief counselor, you're going to need one to figure out how to propel yourself forward.  You've been through a lot of trauma and your brain is needing this time to process all of it, none of which is quick or easy.  It WILL get better, although no one can tell you when because we're all different, but working through our grief helps us develop coping skills and begin to adjust.  It took me about three years to process my husband's death, and way longer than that to try to create some sort of a life for myself.  It's been eleven years now.  I still miss him every day, he was everything in the world to me, but I have learned how to live alone and be on my own.  You may find someday that :

6 minutes ago, ilotuslove@aol.com said:

I'm scared, weak, actually petrified.

actually turns around.  I was terrified when my husband died, anxious, scared.  Now I'm more confident, I've had to handle a lot of major things on my own, and I've done it.  I don't think we know how capable we are until we've been called upon to do it.  It started as a matter of survival.

I hope you will keep posting here, it helps to express yourself and not keep it bottled up, and to know you've been heard and your feelings are valid.  They are.

I'm proud of you for breaking off with an abusive BF!  That shows a great deal of courage and wisdom, esp. to do so because you knew it needed to be done, in spite of the vulnerable state you were in right then.

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Hi,

Thankyou for the reply. I just dont know how I am going to get through this. It's too much at once. I don't want to go on but I have to function because I won't leave my dog. He is the only reason I am here right now. I am going crazy about the cat. She must have slid out the back door. I just cant breathe. I have anxiety and depression already so this is making it much worse.

I cannot believe he hasnt even called to see how I am and I keep having panic attacks. Last night was horrible. I could hardly sleep. I dont know how to face all this loss at once.

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Hi ilotuslove

I'm so sorry to hear about you losing your mother, your best friend. I echo what Kay said in that it's important you have someone to talk to, like a grief counselor. Especially if family or friends are not an avenue. Please talk to someone. Don't suffer in silence. I know that everything right now seems absolutely impossible to get through, like it just cannot be done and that you will not survive. There was a time I felt like that too and I still do sometimes. It's a positive step that you have posted on this forum, there are many, many people here that will listen to you as you process things, and offer advice if you want it, and who can relate to what you are going through because they have been through things of a similar nature. 

Also, even though it came at the same time as everything else, if your boyfriend was being abusive to you then... well, I'm not a relationship expert by any stretch of the imagination, but that's bad and needed to stop! But I appreciate that you miss him right now. Which is why it might be good for you to find somebody to talk to in person or on the phone? So you can begin to work through this. Some advice I got early on was to try not to think too far ahead and instead focus on the now, second by second, minute by minute, day by day.

All the best, try and stay hydrated, I hope your cat turns up, and give your dog a hug from me.

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HI there and welcome!

Im sorry that life had to dump everything on you but you are strong enough to make it through! Just breathe and take it one day at a time!

As for your mom, I am very sorry. Its hard functioning in a world without them because its all we knew. You can still talk and hang on to her! Im sorry you have to leave your house but maybe it will help with the grieving process and give you a fresh start. I was physically unable to go in my dads house after he died. We cleaned it out and the first time stepping foot into it was like he had just run to the store and he'd be back. Then when it was empty is was hard since I had never seen it that way. I was sad to lose it but now Im glad I am able to let it go. And at least you get to keep your pet! They really help you get up and provide wonderful comfort. 

As for your ex boyfriend, I can imagine you do miss him and especially since you are feeling so alone but you deserve better. Abusive is absolutely never okay. Your mom would not want you to be with an abusive man. If he hurt you and didnt care, I dont think he'd be much emotional support but I understand the feeling of wanting a familiar person around to help you through this dark time. 

We have some posts on this site about feeling abandoned because I believe its part of the grieving process and people with a healthy family just do NOT understand loss. I too have lost a lot of friends and I cant say I miss people who never truly cared. I still get lonely but I am still recovering. Take a few days and lay in bed and cry. Grieve like you think you need to. If you need to scream and cry until you have snot all over your face then do it! I did that and no one cared. People like us, understand. This is a horrible time but you can make it! Like Kay said, it gets better!

As for your cat, I do think itll show up, its just out having a grand old time being a predator. I had a tom cat who would disappear for a week and show up. They know where home is and who else feeds them!? If it hasnt showed up in a few days, go check the shelter. They can catch even some of the wildest cats LOL I speak from experience

The first few nights were hard for me to sleep as well. I was so traumatized that I could not fall asleep but crying exhausts you and sometimes can help that. Nights are definitely the hardest times, for me at least.

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Keep coming here, we're here for you.  Can you put up fliers about your cat, post on lost pets on Facebook for your area, etc.  I hope you find your cat, I just went through that three months ago.
I also hope you'll see a doctor about panic attacks, I've had them, they're not fun.  Maybe get on something long enough to get through this and help you so it isn't full blown, I have something mild and relatively safe called Buspar (Burpirone) and I'll probably stay on it for life.  It doesn't make me feel like a Zombie, just takes the edge off so I can cope.
Shari is right, you deserve better than your XBF.

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On September 11, 2016 at 9:32 AM, ilotuslove@aol.com said:

Hi everyone,

I stumbled upon this site and thought I'd post. I don't know what else to do. I lost my mother, my best friend about 3 weeks ago to bone cancer and I feel like I just want to die.

I haven't showered, enjoyed the pool, walked the dog. I can hardly get out of bed. I feel like I can't take it anymore.

I also got into a car accident two days before she died, broke up with my boyfriend, and lost my cat. I feel like everything is gone. I took it all for granted and it's all gone.

The boyfriend became abusive and all we would do is argue but I miss him so much on top of the loss of her. I can't bear it. Nothing seems to help at all. I also had to sell my house because I have no income coming in plus I hate living here.I only have so much time before I have to move. Whatever close family I had is gone and I was raised in this house.

I'm scared, weak, actually petrified. She was my best friend...we did everything together. I feel like I lost my legs plus I miss my ex bf and my cat. I just feel like I am going nuts.

Any help would be appreciated. Thanks in advance.

First, I am very sorry for your loss. I just lost my dad 3 months ago so I know that alone is hell. You are dealing with a lot. Keep coming here. We may not be able to give you the right answers but you have our support and shoulders to cry on. 

I'm not sure what type of resources you have near you but maybe a support group or a local resource to help with home placement. Just thinking out loud. My one real recommendation would be to find a counselor. Dealing with the loss of your mom alone is enough but as someone being in an abusive relationship it is so important to work through that. I know because I still have ptsd from an abusive relationship from last year. One day at a time. Hugs and prayers. 

Cheryl

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Hi everyone,

I haven't checked the site in a few days because I just can't seem to bring myself to do anything. I have bills, a house to sell, lawyers to deal with, a lost pet, and the past few days I cannot sleep. I am talking to a couple counselors but nothing seems to help. I don't want to leave the house. I haven't been able to get dressed but I need to get it together because I have to move soon, so I have to look at different places to live. 

The car accident right before she died is making this tremendously hard. I drank wine before I went out to get her favorite food and got into a car accident. The car is totaled, I was arrested and my license was taken away. I am working on getting a temporary licence and having to rent a car. I have no income and I am in total fear that whatever little money I have will run out before the closing of the house.

I picture her coming in my room, asking me how I am doing....taking a shower, hearing the water running and watching her make coffee. She was literally the ony one I had and shes gone. The devastation is unimaginable. I don't know how I am getting through each day.

Drinking wine covers the pain for a bit but it just comes back. My whole life has shifted.

Now I have to take pictures of death certificates so bills dont have to be paid. It's truly nauseating that someone you loved and depended on your whole life is dust now. 

I cannot accept it.

Thank you again everyone for the support..please keep it coming. And, I am sorry for everyone's loss here.

The fear, loneliness, anxiety, depression is just too much. I am mostly scared at night and in the mornings. I am actually scared to go to bed now. I lay there in complete loneliness and fear. I cannot wait to move and get out of this house. Too many memories.

 

 

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Was your mother on a hospice service before she died? If so ~ or even if she was not ~ your local hospice would be a good place for you to contact, to see what bereavement support services are available in your community. Clearly you need some sort of assistance, and agencies like hospices and hospitals have social workers who will know what they are and how to connect you to them. When was the last time you had a physical check up with your primary care physician? Isolating yourself and turning to drinking will only make things worse. It's time to start taking better care of yourself. Help is out there, but you must make an effort to find it, and I hope you will get started today!

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And its also traumatizing because I didn't get a chance to say a real goodbye to her.

They cuffed me in front of her when I got into the accident and she died two days later in the hospital while I was waiting in jail for the judge to let me go.

I was too filled with anxiety. Not to make excuses. I shouldn't have drank but the stress was overwhelming.

I didn't even get to kiss her goodbye. 

Yes, she was on hospice but I took most of the care of her. The nurse came once a week but I would clean her, administer her meds, feed her, etc.

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2 hours ago, MartyT said:

your local hospice would be a good place for you to contact, to see what bereavement support services are available in your community.

I hope you will contact them to find out what is available. 

Your mom is at peace now.  I know it's hard to not get to say goodbye.  I didn't get to say goodbye to my husband when he died. :(  But they know how we feel about them so we have to hang on to that.

You say you shouldn't have drank...you can't change what was, but only apply what you learn to the future.  Drinking isn't the answer to life's problems, as understandable as it is, it's a depressant and not what we need in grief.  I hope you will get some help with grief counseling.  Be kind to yourself.  (((hugs)))

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If I may touch on the topic of drinking.....I can relate.  I am a recovering alcoholic.  I have been sober for 1 year.  When Dad died I was worried that I would want to drink.  I didn't and I leaned on others to help me stay sober.  As Kayc said, it is a depressant so it just intensifies those feelings.  Only you can make those decisions but I'm just sharing from experience.  Although I struggle daily with this disease I am so grateful that I have stayed sober.  Me being sober is the only reason I am able to function.  I hope you can find the resources you need for assistance.  As Marty said, Hospice support is great so since your mom was on Hospice I would reach out to them.  They have been awesome to me.

Praying for you.

 

Cheryl

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Wow one year, that's amazing. Congrats! 

That's also amazing that you didn't drink through your dads death.

Yes, living alone now feels hellish. I've lived alone before but always had my mother so this is totally different. I miss seeing her make her coffee, hearing the water she started running for her shower, talking about everything and anything. I wish I had more faith that she's in a better place.

We were together every day, talked non stop, did everything together. This feels like a different life. It's like everything got caught up in a whirlwind and turned upside down. I am not used to living without her. It feels so impossible. I was too  codependent on her for everything.

I am dreading donating her clothes. The thought of putting them in bags makes me sick.  It feels like a nightmare that won't go away. 

Trying to get through this morning. I did find a wonderful counselor from Hospice thank God. Most of them were not willing to take the time to talk or care. 

This person is wonderful and has been helping me daily on the phone. plus sending me different links to help.

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2 hours ago, ilotuslove@aol.com said:

Wow one year, that's amazing. Congrats! 

That's also amazing that you didn't drink through your dads death.

Yes, living alone now feels hellish. I've lived alone before but always had my mother so this is totally different. I miss seeing her make her coffee, hearing the water she started running for her shower, talking about everything and anything. I wish I had more faith that she's in a better place.

We were together every day, talked non stop, did everything together. This feels like a different life. It's like everything got caught up in a whirlwind and turned upside down. I am not used to living without her. It feels so impossible. I was too  codependent on her for everything.

I am dreading donating her clothes. The thought of putting them in bags makes me sick.  It feels like a nightmare that won't go away. 

Trying to get through this morning. I did find a wonderful counselor from Hospice thank God. Most of them were not willing to take the time to talk or care. 

This person is wonderful and has been helping me daily on the phone. plus sending me different links to help.

I'm so glad you found someone.  I understand the being together every day.  Dad and I were very close.  I was a daddy's girl.  For the last 2 1/2 years I have taken care of him.  And I actually lived with them for a couple of months before he died.  It's tough.  Just keep coming here, work with the counselor, try to not to drink or at least limit your drinking.  I don't know if I mentioned this or not but I started doing video journals which does help getting it out.  Talk to her and don't rush yourself to get rid of her things.  Do it when you feel comfortable.  We haven't gotten rid of a single thing of Dads because we are not ready.  One day at a time.  We are here for you.  Hugs!

 

Cheryl

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2 minutes ago, Cheryl J said:

I'm so glad you found someone.  I understand the being together every day.  Dad and I were very close.  I was a daddy's girl.  For the last 2 1/2 years I have taken care of him.  And I actually lived with them for a couple of months before he died.  It's tough.  Just keep coming here, work with the counselor, try to not to drink or at least limit your drinking.  I don't know if I mentioned this or not but I started doing video journals which does help getting it out.  Talk to her and don't rush yourself to get rid of her things.  Do it when you feel comfortable.  We haven't gotten rid of a single thing of Dads because we are not ready.  One day at a time.  We are here for you.  Hugs!

 

Cheryl

Cheryl,

It's amazing how your dad was there for you.

Mine was abusive so I stuck to my mom. We were like a team.

My uncle, my mother's brother was my surrogate dad. He gave me everything. He always tried to make up for my abusive father. And, he passed away over 10 years ago from a heart attack. We argued right before it happened, which was so odd, because we never argued. I still have guilt from that.

You were so lucky to have a dad so wonderful. God bless him. 

I do not feel like even getting out of bed, but I am lucky enough to have a ride from my existing {schizophrenic} uncle to the doc today.

His mind is like that of a 12 year old at times, but he tries.

 

 

 

 

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3 hours ago, ilotuslove@aol.com said:

I did find a wonderful counselor from Hospice

I am so glad!  It's hard to find the right one and it sounds like you lucked out!  One day at a time.

I'm glad you found a ride to the doctor!

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16 hours ago, ilotuslove@aol.com said:

Yes, living alone now feels hellish. I've lived alone before but always had my mother so this is totally different. I miss seeing her make her coffee, hearing the water she started running for her shower, talking about everything and anything. I wish I had more faith that she's in a better place.

We were together every day, talked non stop, did everything together. This feels like a different life. It's like everything got caught up in a whirlwind and turned upside down. I am not used to living without her. It feels so impossible. I was too  codependent on her for everything.

I am dreading donating her clothes. The thought of putting them in bags makes me sick.  It feels like a nightmare that won't go away. 

My mother died 11 years ago. We weren't very close, which is hard because I then lost all hope that she would ever be a good parent to me and able to show that she loved me. But she had beautiful clothes and most of them fit me. A lot of them I never wore and 11 years later reluctantly got rid of them. But I have loved snuggling up in her coats in the winter or when it is raining. My sisters had no interest in any of her clothes. My dad told me he thought she would like to have me enjoying her clothes.

I got another shot at having some parenting with my dad after my mother died. I coaxed him out to AZ and he lived a couple of blocks away from me. I lived alone, but like you, we spent so much time together I never felt alone. He was always there to talk to about everything and anything, share meals with, go places with, etc. The only thing that makes me think he's in a better place is that I believe that he still has contact with me, but he also has contact with the people who have passed before him. So he kind of has the best of both worlds, and he doesn't have to worry about getting to a bathroom on time, walking with out falling, or any of the other things that plagued him.

I have found it terribly hard living alone without him. If it weren't for Lena my cat, I don't see how I would have survived the past 8 months, struggling through a car accident and all that. I wouldn't have wanted to survive it - I think it would have been too horrible. Awful enough anyway...

One would think that getting rid of my dad's clothes would be easy since I don't wear men's clothes. I got rid of a lot of them early on, but then I slowed down and became paralyzed by getting rid of his stuff. It was way too soon when I started plowing through all of this combining his stuff and mine into one condo.

 

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6 hours ago, Clematis said:

My mother died 11 years ago. We weren't very close, which is hard because I then lost all hope that she would ever be a good parent to me and able to show that she loved me. But she had beautiful clothes and most of them fit me. A lot of them I never wore and 11 years later reluctantly got rid of them. But I have loved snuggling up in her coats in the winter or when it is raining. My sisters had no interest in any of her clothes. My dad told me he thought she would like to have me enjoying her clothes.

I got another shot at having some parenting with my dad after my mother died. I coaxed him out to AZ and he lived a couple of blocks away from me. I lived alone, but like you, we spent so much time together I never felt alone. He was always there to talk to about everything and anything, share meals with, go places with, etc. The only thing that makes me think he's in a better place is that I believe that he still has contact with me, but he also has contact with the people who have passed before him. So he kind of has the best of both worlds, and he doesn't have to worry about getting to a bathroom on time, walking with out falling, or any of the other things that plagued him.

I have found it terribly hard living alone without him. If it weren't for Lena my cat, I don't see how I would have survived the past 8 months, struggling through a car accident and all that. I wouldn't have wanted to survive it - I think it would have been too horrible. Awful enough anyway...

One would think that getting rid of my dad's clothes would be easy since I don't wear men's clothes. I got rid of a lot of them early on, but then I slowed down and became paralyzed by getting rid of his stuff. It was way too soon when I started plowing through all of this combining his stuff and mine into one condo.

 

My mother had to worry about getting to the bathroom on time and kept falling. I felt terrible. I would wake up extra early to walk her to the bathroom to make sure she didn't fall.

It was heartbreaking to watch but I miss her so much. I am also terribly heartbroken that my cat got lost. I am so grateful to have my dog. I don't know what I'd do without him.

 

I am not ready to go through the clothes yet, but will have to at some point soon.

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