Vulnerability

[Gin]

Gwen,

i can appreciate a little of what you are going through.  A few months ago, I told my doc how depressed I was and he prescribed an antidepressant.  I was afraid to take a new drug.  Living alone, I was afraid of a reaction and no one would know.  I took the first pill on a day that I knew I would see a friend for lunch in a few hours.  I started having some reaction during lunch.  I felt terrible.  I never took another one.  Some thought that I did not give it a chance and maybe they are right, but it really scared me.

Hang in there, Gwen.  Hope they untangle the drug mess.

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

I think that while we are actively grieving it is difficult not to be sensitive about 'things'.  I don't apologize for my sensitivity but I do explain that being widowed has damaged my confidence and I am not the tough 'old me' anymore.

That is an excellent point, Marita.  I'm sorry to hear you had to thru hell changing meds.

i don't apologize anymore either.  If anything I remind people as they so easily forget just how overwhelming it is.  We are tough, but not in the way that is understood.  To get out of bed, dressed and deal with the world takes tremendous strength.  People saw us do that all the time before.  It's hard for them to fathom that is now a major accomplishment.  Shopping, cooking, cleaning?  These are things we do now because we have to.  It's a lot of work to take care of ourselves now.  

I took Paxil once and we didn't like each other.  I'm trying up Celexa and it's a challenge.  Never tried Ativan, I use Xanax.  I don't worry about 'addiction' because of my panic disorder.  I'd rather be addicted to them than the fear.  Our experiences may be different, but the goal is the same....survival.

 

[kayc]

11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

It added to the abandonment issues we deal with as it is tho.

For sure!

11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I was 'using up the nurses time' during the trial.  I thought wanting to die was pretty good reason to call.  

Unreal!  They told you that?  Wow.  I'd be looking for another doctor.  I know your situation is complicated and you probably don't want to start over with someone else though.

I just wish things would get better for you.

[Gwenivere]

Thanks Kay.  It was a little more complicated than what I could write here, but I was truly surprised that because of my compromised thinking that it was looked upon that I was abusing reaching out for help.  Something I will definitely be talking to my counselor about today.  The clinic has changed a lot since they got absorbed by a large hospital that looks at things differently than when is was a homey, cozy place that it was.  That's a big adjustment for me.  

[Gwenivere]

Gin, antidepressants are difficult to adjust to.  It takes weeks to get thru side effects.  When I first started I had Steve here.  This time I don't so I'm kinda lost knowing the facts about these meds but being alone going thru them.  There were times I wondered if I needed them at all way back when.  They were just the new fangled thing to do sold to the docs.  im sure if you talked to your doc or a pharmacist or googled your med, you would see that feeling odd is the norm.  Only you can decide if you want to make the investment depending on your level of depression.

[Widowedbysuicide]

I have been chronically and clinically depressed, by medical definition and diagnosis since I was 18.  I've been on and off meds for the majority of my life.  There have been periods of time where certain significant life changing events have triggered deep depression and suicidal ideation.  Yup, if not for meds I would have checked out long ago.  

I could use a little more help at certain times now (since my husband's death) and that is when the Ativan helps me to keep going because it allows me to 'shut down and rest' my brain.

We each have to do what we can do or want to do to get through everyday.  HUGS ALL

[Margm]

Agree 100% Marita.

[Margm]

On 9/28/2016 at 3:29 PM, Gwenivere said:

 The clinic has changed a lot since they got absorbed by a large hospital

We had a two term governor, born in USA but parents from India.  Why he was elected to a second term, I don't know.  Louisiana paid for him to stay away from the state and run for President.  If he can completely obliterate our educational system and medical system in four years, why they would put him in for four more is something I am sure even they do not understand.  Nothing is the same as when I left.  I retired from the state hospital system, which is no more.  I do not know what the poor people do for medical care.  I do know, they die.  I believe our state has the worse medical system in the whole 50.  Big Pharma has bought everything to where there is a joke about these old people eating cat food and saying, "well, I guess we switch to the dry cat food now."  Our state is in shambles.  I did not trust the system in the other state, but this is even worse.