Vulnerability

[Gwenivere]

Sparing the long details,  my doctor recommended a switch from the antidepressant I was on to one he thought would be more effective for anxiety to address another physical problem that would be exacerbated treating the 2nd problem without the panic under control.

it turned out a horrible failure, pushing me from thoughts of death to being obsessed with them.  I had felt like not wanting to live thru this grief but had never been to the darkest place one can go about that.  

The ultimate frustration was in trying to get help with these thoughts and knowing this new med was wrong for me, I couldn't get any of the covering med team (my doc went on vacation) to talk directly to me.  It was all done thru the nurse middle man.  I am so stunned that when we truly need help from those we come to trust with our physical and mental well being that they can abandon us too.  One even said she would call but didn't choosing instead to leave a message thru a nurse.  Just a few minutes of her time for mental medical support would have helped so much.  Now I am switching back basically on my own with little help but an email from one doc.  

The irony is I so wanted Steve here because it was so frightening.  But had he been here, I wouldn't have the out of control anxiety and depression.  It wouldn't have made the med the right one, but I wouldn't have been alone and he would have gotten so angry with the docs he probably would have called them himself.

its so hard losing that protection and caring.  How we looked out for each other.  All of you had that too and now we find ourselves grieving and having to fight the various systems alone.  It's a constant test of strength that gets exhausting.  

[Gin]

Gwen,

i feel so bad for you and the doctor situation.  My doctor is OK IF I can talk to him.  His receptionist is a real pain.  It s terrible that you have to make these decisions alone.  Are you feeling any better?  I took one anti depressant and it creeped me out.  I stopped it.  I was told that It must have been a coincidence, and I should have kept with it.  When you live alone, it is so hard to try new drugs in case you have a reaction and no one knows.  I sure hope you get this figured out and feel better.   All we want and need is our loved ones back and we know that won't happen.  Somehow we have to plod thru this pain.  Sending good thoughts and prayers your way.

Gin

[KATPILOT]

I'm sorry to hear this Gwen. I think we tend to "fall through the cracks" with health care anymore. I assume you are not currently taking the antidepressant which was not working is that correct?  That kind of reaction certainly is not good. I know what you mean about no longer having someone who watched out for you. Our lives certainly feel more scary than they did before. I am sending my good thoughts your way too.

[Margm]

Gwen, I am sorry.  I have reiterated too many times on here that my "innards" will not let me take certain medications.  The plain old trazodone, which actually is an antidepressant too, made me very ill.  Before the colon rupture, I had taken it to help me sleep years ago.  Now it made me very ill.  So, how do I tell a doctor (who thinks he knows more than me, the idiot) that I cannot take his antidepressants?  I do remember they gave Zoloft to elderly patients.  My mom even took it.  But, they cannot understand that a belly that will no longer let me eat corn in an form but grits cannot take different medications..  I hate it when doctors think they know my body better than I do.  I have a day of feeling bad (forgot to take my Miralax) and my sister asks if I have made my appointment with the doctor.  I'm sorry, I don't trust doctors and their multipharma medicine.  I have told you all that I have typed up to 36 prescription medicines for old people. As high as dog and cat food is now, they cannot even afford that after their medications.  You see, you have nausea from your new medication and they give you a nausea medicine.  Then you have diarrhea from the nausea medicine and they give you a diarrhea medicine.  Eventually, you go to a doctor that says what is wrong is the medications you are on and he starts weaning you off.  Okay, I am doing okay this morning.  I remembered the word.  It is called polypharmacy.  Do not get caught in this trap.  

And, I still think doctors get kickbacks from pharmacy companies if they prescribe their medications.  I worked for doctors.  In my case, a little knowledge is a bad thing.  I see them trying new medications on my daughter.  One gave her diabetes.  I am not kidding or fibbing, one gave her diabetes.  One doctor was supposed to draw levels 2-3 months as long as she was on the medication.  No levels drawn for three years.  She was put in the hospital nearly dead from Depakote.  They had to reverse it.  One steroid gave her seizures. 

You think, if I cannot trust doctors, who can I trust.  Well, one person you can trust is your own reactions.  And sometimes, it does not hurt to go to another doctor for a second opinion.  Maybe even a third.  

[kayc]

Going through stuff like this is hard, and not having that person that was always there for us leaves us feeling very vulnerable as we go through it.  Marty just posted a link to an article on vulnerability yesterday

 

[Patty65]

12 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

its so hard losing that protection and caring.

Oh Gwen, yes... Protection and feeling protected, even knowing that I lived plenty of years as a single mom on my own until my daughter was 10, is something I struggle with daily.  Monday night, teaching the night class that I do, I left my keys in the media center while xeroxing homework for the students -- and did not realize it until it was 9PM and the campus was dark and empty.  "Ron would have picked me up" I thought, panicking.  And not even judged, knowing my forgetfulness.  Last night there was flash floods everywhere, that I had to drive in to get to therapy. "Ron would have driven me," I thought, slowing down through the almost two feet of water on the roads.  It's so insanely miserable to know nobody has our backs anymore.  Depression, illness, scary situations, and just plain life.  Just to know they are worrying about us, that in this physical world, they care, they love enough to worry and protect.  And the thing is, we know first hand how dangerous this world is in all those things, we experienced it to the bitter end.  I guess no wonder it is so scary and miserable.

[Gwenivere]

Thank you for all your replies.  I'm on my 5th day transitioning back to my original med.  it's hard because I am feeling like I never took it before so am going thru the side effects.  Between the 2 meds I feel like my brain has been thru a blender so doing regular things takes tremendous effort.  The old med lets me cry which I couldn't do on the new one.  I guess that is good but the slightest thing puts me over the edge.  Of course both my computer and iPad had to have problems now.  I'm hoping they are fixed but it's hard to keep in mind this stuff happens not as a test but because they just do.  The new med kicked down the door about obsessive death thoughts, the old one has that on my mind but not as intensely.  I still feel trapped because of lack of input from the docs.  I wrote an update last night and saw no one even reviewed it yet.  My poor furry kids have no idea what to make of thier crazy mom.  I can't help,them because I don't either.   Thanks for being there, all of you!  

[brat#2]

Gwen, I know how hard it is not having that support that we use to have.  Everything seems so monumental now.  Like you said, the common stuff that happens seems like a test now and it is hard to over come that feeling.  I sure hope the old meds will start acting like they use to soon for you and you can feel "kind of" normal again.  Sending you good thoughts and hugs.

Joyce

 

[Margm]

I took Prozac for many years from its drug approval until after I retired.  I could not cry.  Somehow, that is one side effect I don't want.  A lot of things I could not feel with it.  It made me have bad dreams.  This has made all the family laugh for years.  One night I had a particular bad dream.  Billy had always told me if I was in a fight to fight dirty, bite, pick up sticks, etc. (I was 5 feet tall).  One night I dreamed I was fighting a group of "manly" women.  One had my head on the ground beating me up.  In my sleep I bit the hell out of Billy on the back.  He jumped up out of the bed wanting to know what was going on.  The doctor cut the Prozac way down and then discontinued it.  I cannot tell you what I dreamed last night, this week, last month, but I can tell you about that dream so many years ago.  Billy told everyone.  So, I guess those drugs have side effects you cannot even "dream" about.

[kayc]

I went through the same thing a while back having to go back on a medicine I'd thought I was done with for good...it causes weight gain, headaches, ugh!  I feel like it's a Catch-22!

[kevin]

Gwen, at times like this your "Furry Family" has a good sense when things are drifting.....They can or are a big asset to your wellness... they offer love, loyalty, and purpose...hang in.....kevin

[MartyT]

I hope you'll let us hear from you some time today, Gwen. We're here, and we care about you. We need to know that you're okay  ♥

[Gwenivere]

I'm still here thru the good karma of the reset button on my iPad.  My laptop is going in the the hospital today and I hope to gawd it fails there.  I've been having anxiety attacks about all this because this was definitely something Steve would have handled and gave me his laptop for backup.  I have it, but the password he gave me is wrong.  Something I always never understood as it never left the house.  What a waste as I prefer sitting at my desk.  Anyway, the anxiety is because of more change when we need it least or if we have to have it, no one there to help.  Especially in the areas that were 'their' jobs.  This is one of those times I don't want to be educated about technology, I just want it to work.  Never gave a thought to what would happen if he wasn't here.  We were immortal, right? Or at least didn't think about being abandoned.

The med change is still challenging.  My doc wanted me to increase my original med even tho I was having horrid side effects so I said no, not til I stabilize on this dose. I had some chest X-rays for another problem and that doc wanted me to come in to talk about options down the line which we already have done, so I said no.  Just give me the results.  I'm getting pretty good at that NO thing.  It's too easy to feel we have to do everything professionals tell us without stepping back and realistically looking at what we can handle without endangering ourselves.  Their job is to be the most detailed and that is OK if we were humming along like normal people.  It feels weird to type normal because I haven't a clue what that means anymore!  Oh yeah!  A life that doesn't feel like constant chaos and problems were bumps in the road, not huge potholes or brick walls that never existed before.

Thank you all for caring and being there.  

[Gin]

Good to hear from you, Gwen.  Hope all this med stuff straightens out.  Tough being sick A N D alone.

[kayc]

Gwen,

It sounds like you've really been going through it, I hope they get it all figured out!  Changing meds isn't fun!

Maybe you can have the geek remove the password? 

 

[Gwenivere]

Right after Steve died I thought about getting the password cracked.  I never did.  the guys using the studio had to do that for the computer that had all thier music tracks on it.  Just can't even think about that now.  Bought a new computer and that will be more than enough to test my sanity getting used with a new operating system I already know I don't like.  This stuff puts my head in a vice.  I'd give anything for one month where something didn't go wrong.  All it does is remind me of how much I miss him.

 

[brat#2]

12 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I'd give anything for one month where something didn't go wrong.  All it does is remind me of how much I miss him.

 

Gwen, I so understand what you are saying, wouldn't that me nice?  Hugs

Joyce

 

[Gwenivere]

I think it was yesterday, but my scrambled brain can't remember what forum it was in.  It was about dreaming of our lost loves and how some do and some haven't.  I was thinking of you, Steve, that I think said you hadn't had a dream and would take one even if was uncomfortable.  I've been dreaming of my Steve for several nights and wish it would stop.  I guess I am so immersed in the pain that seeing him makes getting thru the 'normal' daily grief even harder.  Plus he's always so elusive.  It keeps reminding me I will never touch, hold or kiss him again nor him me.  For those that have good dreams that help, that is wonderful.  This is an added torture I didn't need or want.  

[KATPILOT]

One thing about grief that I wish wasn't so is how it is filled with many things we don't need and sure the hell don't want.  Would it not be wonderful to fall asleep every night to dream a love story with them in it? I wish there was a pill you could take that would make that magic happen. Then at least there would be an escape from our day.

I hope your nights get softer Gwen.

[Gwenivere]

I haven't written much because I am still in this crazy med change.  Back on the old antidepressants but at a higher dose.  I have to remind myself of that daily because otherwise I would think something was seriously wrong with my brain.  

i saw my doc last Friday and it was not the feel good visit I was used to.  Either I was frustrating for him or he had the first bad day I've seen in 26 years.  Many things were said that surprised and hurt me.  I thought about the whole situation and realized he has not experienced one significant loss in his life.  He has his parents, siblings, spouse, kids and grandkids.  He also has not dealt with depression himself and the meds he prescribes.  He said I didn't give the new meds a decent trial as I had said I didn't want to live without Steve before.  I told him this was different, I was truly suicidal on them.  

My hope is we will get back on track when I see him again.  It added to the abandonment issues we deal with as it is tho.  I am struggling to get out and do my usual routines but gun shy to contact his office for support as I was 'using up the nurses time' during the trial.  I thought wanting to die was pretty good reason to call.  

This shows me how sensitive we are as well as vulnerable.  How we long to be strong, but often it's just not in our arsenal right now.  How we do only have ourselves to fall back on if we have no close friends or family.  And even then we are still alone at the end of the day.  I managed to accomplish what I planned for today, but that insipid sinking feeling hit me coming home.  I used to love coming home.  A home that was a life shared.  Also, the above would not have ever happened with my doc and this med mess!  Sometimes things are just too twistedly ironic.

 

[Widowedbysuicide]

Gwen I just wanted to let you know that I hear you and wish your medical issues would disappear.

Marita

[Gwenivere]

Thank you Marita.  You are a very compassionate person with all you are going thru yourself.

[Margm]

Gwen, I hear you and it makes me less likely to go to a shrink. I cannot take their antidepressants.  My heart is with you Gwen.  We are vulnerable and that makes me more scared.  I have got to where I don't trust.  I trust Marty, but I have studied up on the people I have around me and I am just not sure of anything.-

[Gwenivere]

Marg, this is my primary care doc.  It was suggested once to see a shrink as they know thier meds, but are often short on counseling.  My doc knows his stuff on both issues.  It's just hard when you are extra sensitive to the slightest comments much less direct criticism.

[Widowedbysuicide]

Having gone the route of changing antidepressants, only to find they were absolutely intolerable - a feeling much worse than just being depressed, and then going back to the original medication I can really understand your sensitivity Gwen.  It was the worst time of my life, until my husband died.  It's been 12 years since the attempted med change and I have increased and decreased dosages as needed since then.  I take Paxil and Wellbutrin daily and Ativan as needed.  I use the Ativan very sparingly as I was once addicted to Valium and that was a tough one to beat.

I think that while we are actively grieving it is difficult not to be sensitive about 'things'.  I don't apologize for my sensitivity but I do explain that being widowed has damaged my confidence and I am not the tough 'old me' anymore.

We all need to take George's advice and take care of ourselves.  Grieving is hard work in all respects and we need to be as physically and mentally healthy as possible.  

Big hugs to us all