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living with loss


Hol

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Hello to anyone that reads this. You have had a loss as well, and I am so sorry for your loss(s). I know the sting and hurt and unrest you go through.

For me, I have been limping along with loss for a very long time, my family was very small, we were very close and I never had very good friends, never met a good partner.  My loss started 9 years ago, my mom died, she was my best friend, 2 years later, my father died unexpectedly. I had three dogs, one died the day before he died and the another 6 months after.  I was left with the third dog that my father insisted on adding to the family of pets a year after my mom died.  I am continually grateful for that and I love her something silly.  I bought a pal for her and they are now my only family..

sometimes I feel like I'm weird, why no good friends ? why no good boyfriend or husband ? to ride life out with.  Then other times I just don't care, it is the way the cards fell for me in this life. I'm not a weirdo or anti social, I don't have weird quirks or odd behavior. I once lived life, traveling, piloting, having my own bead business established from a hobby.  I have friends , well acquaintances that I've known for 30+ years, but none could be available when I had an emergency of my appendix, none are available at all to be honest (everyone is too busy with their own lives).  My house was clobbered in the sandy storm and none could take me in because I had 2 little dogs. So, I cannot call them friends at all, they are just people I know.

 I once had a wonderful life and a wonderful family with tons in common and with who I had the best times of my life with.

I was told, parents are suppose to pass, and I know this, but mine were young, they were barely out of their teens when I was born, My mom suffered cancer since I was 2, but she battled each one bravely and moved on.  My dad was strong shouldered, he was the rock, the person to count on. He was never too busy for you and in an emergency he would be there yesterday. He had a fix for everything and somehow what I learned from him gets me through every day life.

I had a very good job for my education, I left it 2 years ago to pursue nursing to which I terribly regret.  I work in hospice now, I thought I would be helping patients. Instead, it is just a business full of bumbling mistakes of the higher management and co workers. Documentation is required to be altered, I watch mistakes being made every day and covered up.  There is something sickening about it, nursing is not what I expected, not what I saw each time I went to the hospital with my mom since I was 2.My pay check is now 1/3 of what I used to make and I cannot possibly live on this for long. going back to my old work is impossible without extensive education at this point. I literally committed financial suicide along emotional suicide.

I cannot sleep through one night even, I wake up every night.  I miss the only people that ever cared for me.  I miss the holidays and having a home cooked meal with my family, I miss the shopping and the arts and crafts we used to do, the adventurous travels we made, even a telephone call from my mother or my father insisting we keep in contact every day.  We were a unit, not an odd unit, we had fun together, everything was an adventure.  I feel I have been through a nightmare with their loss, but I also feel so terribly grateful to have had such a wonderful family and to be filled with wonderful memories.  Not everyone gets that chance, but even this makes the loss more difficult.

I was told it would get better over time. Perhaps the sting of the missing things has eased a little, but it has base lined and will never go away and truly, it has not eased all that much. Sometimes on the weekend I'm compelled to try to figured out where I can go to feel close to them, but I cannot find one.   Sometimes I see the back of a head that resembles one of them, dressed like them and I find relief for that nano second.

I have been to grief groups, eventually they all move on with life, never coming back, some cry they lost a husband and 6 months later, they find someone to marry again. Some just drop out, their pain has subsided.  There was never a group I joined that could understand my loss as substantial, the loss of a child always was the worst loss, next, a spouse or sibling. The parents are apparently at the level of a loss of a pet. I never thought one loss was worse than another.  I understood all of the losses, but my loss was to be expected, because it was natural. I even got the feeling they were wondering what was wrong with me for not understanding the losses were to be expected.

I did one on one counseling with many counselors.  To me, I was an easy pay check, I spoke, they listened, one even tried to convince me to think bad things about my father as an attempt to ease the loss (for real ? then told me not to come back if I couldn't)  I can't even find a good counselor.

I live life, it's not a good life, or a life I even enjoy anymore. Honestly , I just exist.  I live for my dogs, my one dog is the special gift from my father, the only living link to him. I fear when she is gone, I am gone as well. Not many people know what I go through, I keep it inside.  

well thank you who ever reads my rambling. I am at such a loss and for such a long time

 

 

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Hello,

I just recently joined this site and have been doing alot of posting about the recent loss of my mother to bone cancer.

Your story is touching. You live for your dogs. I think that's beautiful. I am living for mine now. I am so grateful for him. I miss my cat though. She somehow got lost or is hiding. I am not sure which, but I fondly remember my mother petting her all the time on the couch. They truly loved eachother.

I do not have understanding family and hardly any support, plus just broke up with my boyfriend so I can relate to everything you're saying. I feel we have alot in common. You can message me any time.

I am still grieving terribly so I might not be the best resource but I wanted you to know that I can totally relate to what you're going through.

If you're interested, read my original post.

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I am sorry that you are going through so much pain right now, Hol. It is sad to me when someone tries to compare one death with another. There can be no comparisons in my eyes. When someone is special to you their death is the most painful there is and comparisons just can’t exist. I know we try to put death in categories but it never works. Our parents gave us life and it does not matter if they die when we are young or when we are up in years. A parent’s death leaves a void. And just as with any death, this void cannot be filled. As you have pointed out, there continues to be that emptiness of missing them in so many ways. They are no longer here to give advice or to do things with or to comfort us when we are ill or sad. They can’t share in our successes or share in our pain when we experience failures. They are no longer our ‘go to’ people for almost anything going on in our lives.

You have had some pretty rough times with careers and I am so sorry to hear that the experience you’ve had with working at a hospice was so disappointing. It definitely is not that way with all hospices. We can’t say that one bad apple in a basket makes all the apples bad.

Unfortunately, I am seasoned in loss having lost my parents, siblings, my spouse, and pets. The loss of my rescue dog sent me reeling. It was a pain I still feel today. There are no comparisons in death. Each loss has to be mourned and given all the attention it deserves. We hear much advice from others about this but until one experiences loss they cannot begin to understand. There is no rule about the order of loss either.  In most cases people mean well when they talk about such things as parents are supposed to go first – it’s the order of things! Really!

You mentioned that you have been to counseling. I hope it was a good grief counselor. They are out there and if you feel the need please keep looking. I have never heard of a counselor giving advice to a griever telling them to think ‘bad things’ about the one you have lost in order for the pain to ease!

I don’t know how you came across this forum but you will find many here who listen and pass no judgments. They care and understand loss. Part of healing is to share our stories. I hope you continue to come here for the support you so deserve.  

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I am sorry you have been through so much loss and now find yourself alone but for your dogs.  I do understand.  I've lost my parents, my husband, and have lost many others over the years.  I seldom see or hear from my kids.  My dog and my cat are my family now and my dog is approaching 9 years, his life expectancy.  It scares me to death the thought of losing him.  And Kitty?  She's 20, already living on borrowed time.

I've found that comparisons do no one justice.  The truth is, each person's loss, to them, is the greatest, and for good reason.  I find the hardest losses are the relationships that were an integral part of our lives, those that we loved with all of our hearts, and also hard hitting, those we did not anticipate losing for it blindsides us.  Anticipatory grief is a curse all its own, eking out death little by little, you'd think it'd prepare us for when the time comes, but no, there really is no preparing for the finality that hits.

I'm sorry your profession has turned out not to be what you'd anticipated.  Have you thought of going back to school to prepare for something more fulfilling, something you might enjoy, something that would pay better as well?  You might meet with a guidance counselor just to get some ideas.

I am sorry your "friends" have disappointed you.  I'm afraid I'd have the same problem should a disaster hit.  My DIL has already informed me that my dog is not welcome at their house and she hates cats, and my daughter lives in an apt. that doesn't allow dogs, so I'm afraid I'd be homeless with my animals unless I could find something to rent.  It's not a pleasant thought.  Parting with either of them would not be an option for me.  I would take a one room studio gladly rather than lose either of them, besides, I promised them a forever home.

It does sounds like a good grief counselor would be in order.  They are not all equal!  I'd suggest trying one and if by third session you feel it's not helping, discuss it with them and look for and try another one.  These links might help you with your search:

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/08/coping-with-sorrow-in-grief.html
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2010/04/finding-grief-support-that-is-right-for.html

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/seeing-specialist-in-grief-counseling.html

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thank you all for your lovely heart felt responses.  I know you relate to me and that feels like a "hug" of some sort.

It is another sleepless night, I often wonder how I function in the day. I think my job is depressing me on top of things. Thank you also for the resources you have offered.

Most likely I have done these things, since the passing of my parents, I have counted 10 different counselors, some idiotic that I could not waste my funds on after 3 sessions. Others wound up being just a paid person to talk to each week.  One even used to yawn through our session (how can you continue with someone like that). I found all of them through good sources (hospice, grief as their specialty, I even was accepted into a complicated grief study at a large hospital in new york city) out of all the counselors, none of them offered much in relief, the cure to lonely holidays is just common sense (be a volunteer, go to a friends home..etc) this doesn't replace the family I had and to be honest, it's makes the holiday even more lonely.

I became a member of an after life organization, it helped me for awhile, helped in a way that I felt I will be with my family once again some day.  There was hope of a reunion.  However, now I am doubting an after life at all. My father would have given me a sign, it was his way, he would have come through no matter what obstacle they would put up for him on the "other side".  So, now I feel if there is an after life, my parents and family have just abandoned me, left me floundering here.  

if there is no afterlife, my heart breaks for my mother that battled cancer since I was a child, it never left her alone. My parents could never plan anything, they never had extra money because of bills, my mom had so many things unaccomplished and "God" gave her a crappy hand in life, her disappointments out weigh my own.  For this my heart will ever feel so sorry for her.

I'm not sure why any of us are here, do we have a purpose or just accidents of nature that were cursed with "feelings" ?  I have out lived any spark of interest in life. I have little to look forward to but losing my pets, getting sick and being alone and lingering in a nursing home where I witness how poorly those people are treated. 

I know many of you are thinking the same way, lonely also, cursed with "feelings". I say cursed because if I didn't have feelings, I might be in a different frame of mind.

 

thank you all for listening (again).    

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I totally believe in afterlife, I'm not sure about physical, but spirit for sure.  While they do not have physical limitations that they had here, neither do they have the physical help either.  It's likely that we often do not recognize whatever signs they might try to send us.  Rather than blame God for whatever happens in life, I tend to think of it as rather random, it doesn't make sense to me otherwise.  I know we all have to figure these things out for ourselves.

Now "purpose", that's a hard one, that's one of the things that took me the longest.  I think it's something we have to work out for ourselves.  It was easy when my George was alive, my purpose was for him.  But now that he's gone it's been harder to work out...I think I have purpose here, I help where I can, at my church, at the senior site, and definitely I have purpose in my animals' lives.  I didn't have good parents, so you had a head start on me there, and I had loveless marriages that were not good.  All until I met George.  He and I just clicked, we communicated well, we adored each other, and life was bliss until one day he was taken from me too.  I had a hard time with that, feeling that is my kind of luck, but then I learned to look at it that I was blessed to have had him at all, and that is for sure!  It really isn't about length of time, it's about quality of relationship, I do get that, some people never have it.  I am not blessed materially, but I sure was with George, and I am with my dog and cat, they mean the world to me.  I know I won't have them much longer, and that is hard, but I've also learned that life is ever changing and nothing stays the same.  It helps to have something to look forward to, something to hope for, but I've also learned that's something we have to build in to our lives, it's not necessarily something that just happens.

I know what it's like to be alone on holidays, my children are grown and have their own lives now.  I've spent holidays alone, I have gone to churches or museum where other folks who were alone could share in a holiday meal.  I have found a lot of enjoyment volunteering, it gives me some purpose and it gets me out around people, excepting my Treasury position which is pretty much alone, but at least that keeps my mind active.

I've learned that much of how well we do with this is our own attitude and focus.  We can choose to look for good in life or we can choose to wallow in how miserable life dealt us a hand.  I have had people tell me I just don't understand, they aren't as far out as me, well that doesn't hold up, because for me it began two weeks after my husband died.  I started trying to find things in my day that were good, no matter how small, and that was a life changing focus for me.  If I can do it at two weeks out, anyone can, it's all in our choice of how we look at things.  For me, those little joys would be seeing an elk or a deer or a hummingbird (I love nature), a beautiful sunset, sparkling snow, a phone call from someone, a stranger letting me merge in traffic (now there's a miracle!).  It's not even so much about the thing itself as it is transforming our minds and spirits to focus on good.  That began a life changing experience for me.

I'm sorry your experience with counselors has been so bad.  No, I would not want to pay someone to sit and yawn at me either!  And to go through that many and get nothing out of it, I can see how you can give up on them.  Our own Marty, here, has blessed us with good resources, a listening ear, and suggestions when we need it.  I hope you glean a lot from this site...I've been here for eleven years and I can't begin to tell you how it's helped me!

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you guys get it !! thank you, it helps.  my heart goes out to all of you 

I think I have chosen to be miserable,  I saw an interview with Billy Bob Thorton and the loss of his brother when he was small. the loss still gets to him, he embraces  it now and is still .meloncoli, he said his brother deserves that, I could relate to it.  

 

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Hi there Hol, you've been on one rough ride.  9 years is a long time to spend in a job you hate, with no support group in friends or family.  There are some s*** therapists out there, but even the best therapists can only do so much.  I hope you are able to find a way to make your career worth it.  I don't know your circumstances or job prospects, but I don't think I could tolerate an environment like what you describe.  I wonder if there are opportunities for you elsewhere, but I'm sure you've already considered that.  As far as making friends, it's really hard as an adult.  People are busy, tired etc. etc.  We all are.  It really takes time and effort to make quality friends as an adult.  Friendly acquaintances are easy to find, and sometimes they can turn into friends, but often their life and yours just don't align in a way that can lead to a committed, trusting friendship.  I am not master of this.  It often seems like the people I'd like to be friends with simply don't have time, live too far away etc.  But I never give up, because to give up accept a lie that it's impossible and that's just not true.  

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Hi Hol.

You sound like me. I came and posted here in June after my mother passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. I don't continue to post though-- I just lurk around and feel for others' pain but don't feel that I have the right words to say anything.

Anyway, you remind me of myself. I have a small family and no friends sort of by choice because I am kind of antisocial. It was just my parents, my brother. and myself... and of course, my dogs. My mother was the center of everything. I cherish my remaining two family members but know that it is only a matter of time before none of us are left. I often think about big family gatherings as a child but all of those people (siblings of my grandparents) are gone now. One of my dogs died from a brain tumor the same week as my mother. In his last days, this large and normally friendly dog, who just wasn't himself, attacked my little 7 pound dog. The little guy survived but had to have both eyes surgically removed during that massively horrible week.

I wish I could give you a hug. At least I can let you know that your story has given me some comfort because I feel a kinship with you. I hope things get better for both of us. I wish you peace.

 

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I used to be on this forum also years ago, then stopped.  My new career started only six months ago, I quit my good one in 2014 and went to college for the first time.  I didn't make any quick decisions after my parents died. But this nursing has been so disappointing.  In a way, I did it for my mother, she always wanted to be a nurse, for me, I could never stand the sight of blood, but it is different now.  My mom never felt smart enough to go nursing school, I challenged myself to bring her desire to life, I got it done, even passed tops in my class. 

OKCrew - and all of you, I feel a connection also.  I also feel I'm retreating into myself, perhaps just passing time until I am gone also.  I have a "friend" for 30 years.  She moved out of state, but we still text (text, can you imagine, not even a phone call) and to be honest, I almost feel uncomfortable phoning her. She came back for a visit, but there was no time for me, she went to a concert, but could not invite me. There was something disappointing in that, something hurtful. This is not all the detail, but she lost everything and a job, she moved in with her daughter and does not like it there, but would like to move with me to a place I always wanted to go.  She knows she can live for free with me there.  Anyway, I never ask for anything of anyone. But, I told her it was a hurtful thing to do, knowing I don't go anywhere and to come back home for a concert and to not invite me.  Well, I concluded what I was never able to see all these years, there was no friendship, it was only using me.  I heard nothing back from her, no sorry, not even to ask what she did , even if she was clueless.

I just give up on friends and embrace I had the best friends at one time....

I wish everyone peace here as well and thanks for the virtual hugs

 

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11 hours ago, Hol said:

I think I have chosen to be miserable

It's a choice that will affect how well you adapt from here on out.  You might want to remain open to changing your choice at some point.  I want to add, that choosing positive attitude does not mean you do not grieve.  We continue to grieve, continue to miss them, but hopefully adapt as our grief journey evolves.

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7 hours ago, OkCrew said:

The little guy survived but had to have both eyes surgically removed during that massively horrible week.

I'm so sorry, that sounds horrible!  How did he do afterwards?

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It was hard at first. He would cry all the time if I wasn't touching him and he didn't know where I was. Now he's back to being playful and spunky. It's amazing how well he gets around but I can't fully let my guard down or he could be seriously injured falling down stairs, into street sewers, or who knows where. Here's a sweet picture of him emerging from under my couch. :)

 

ruface.jpg

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Ahh, he's so cute!  It's amazing how they adapt.

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18 hours ago, OkCrew said:

It was hard at first. He would cry all the time if I wasn't touching him and he didn't know where I was. Now he's back to being playful and spunky. It's amazing how well he gets around but I can't fully let my guard down or he could be seriously injured falling down stairs, into street sewers, or who knows where. Here's a sweet picture of him emerging from under my couch. :)

 

ruface.jpg

what a cutie

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Animals adapt because they lack something called "verbal behavior", at least don't have it at the same extent that we do.  Humans can talk about their thoughts, project feelings into the future and worry about what if's, verbal behavior also underlies our feelings of guilt and regret, and plays a part in all other emotions, but is especially potent in the way we worry about the future, and ruminate on the past.  It is likely that animals lack the sophisticated thought processes that humans use to ruminate on bad life experiences.  The cute little dog adapted because he isn't spending every waking moment worrying about, regretting and bemoaning his current existence.  He enjoying it with the senses he still has.  There is something for us to learn in that.

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Very well explained, and I think you're right, but then I've always felt we stand to learn from them!

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