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Stairway

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About Stairway

  • Birthday 10/23/1962

Previous Fields

  • Date of Death
    June 3, 2010
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    n/a

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  • Your gender
    Female
  1. Kay, Thank You for your words of encouragement. I am sorry to hear of your loss. I can barely fathom that things will subside and eventually get better. I believe that Michael is in a better place and that keeps me going. I completely understand how you feel about his family and I am sorry that they have been so unkind. I don't see how people can behave this way in such a difficult time. I admire your courage. I am just learning how to take things one day at a time. I am trying hard not to blame myself but it has not been easy. I am having a difficult time understanding that there was nothing more I could have done and letting go of the "what if". Knowing that there are people like you who truly understand what I feel is keeping me sane. I feel lucky to have found this place.
  2. Kat, I am sorry for your loss also. Thank You for your kind words. They have meant alot to me. I have family but they just don't seem to understand how lost and empty I feel. I am going to take your advice and start a journal. I am trying to take care of myself but it hasn't been easy. I wish I could just feel normal again even though I know that will never happen. I take some comfort in knowing that I am not alone. I feel blessed to have found such kind and caring people.
  3. Melina, I am so sorry for your loss. I wish you strength and courage for the hours to come. My prayers will be with you and your family. You are not alone. Even though your family can't physically be there with you, I'm sure their hearts are. I understand your pain and anguish. ((hugs))
  4. I lost the love of my life. Michael passed away unexpectedly, he had just turned 55. June 3rd was the official date. Its hard to put it down on words because I 'm overwhelmed by emotions. Michael was my boyfriend. We had been together for 11 years. He finally asked me to marry him. We had our ups and downs. It began spiraling downward around mother's day when he called and let me know his phone was broken and he'd call me when he had a chance. The last time i spoke to him was around May 22nd . I got a call from his mom on June 2nd. She called 3 more times. I was unaware because i'm really bad with my voicemail. I didn't check it till June 5th which was a Saturday late at night. She had left me voicemails saying she was worried about Michael and had I heard from him or could I go check on him. The next morning I called his mom and told her I was gonna go check on him. That is when she gave me the horrible knews that changed my life forever. It all seemed so surreal. Her words were "he didn't make it". At first it didn't register. It took a while for me to understand and comprehend what her words meant. She told me she had a bad feeling and had sent his brother to check on him. Michael passed away a few days before his brother found him on Friday morning sitting in his chair. I hung up the phone devastated, in shock, and scared. I do not understand, how could this have happened? Michael liked to disappear for days at a time. He wouldn't call or answer calls. When he didn't call me I just assumed he was being himself and hiding, so I wasn't worried. The second week I didn't hear from him I was really angry he hadn't called. I had no way of reaching him except for driving the 40 miles to his house. I was so angry I said to myself, I'm just going to wait for him to call me.... he never called. That weekend I was going to go yell at him was when I found out I had lost him forever. Michael was addicted to Alchohol. Which is why he would disappear because he knew I would be angry with him. He avoided everyone. He was in a bad situation leading a very risky lifestyle of not eating well, not taking care of himself or his responsibilities, drinking heavily and very depressed. We had the conversations of getting help, and how severe his situation was endless times. We cried together. He would always agree he needed the help, promise to go but wouldn't go through with it. He knew it was bad and where it would end if he didn't get help he needed. I was at the end of my rope. I was tired of the fighting, begging him to stop and get help, emotionally drained, and very worried. I knew he was a very sick man and needed help he wasn't getting, by his own chosing. I never imagined he was so close to dying. You can't force someone to do something they just don't want or can't do. So I slowly began to stop going to see him because I just couldn't continue to see and be apart of what he was doing to himself any longer. I was scared and couldn't witness him killing himself slowly. Although we spoke several times every day on the phone. I never imagined he was so close to dyng. Alcholism takes its toll on loved ones helpless to do anything more. As with all addictions its an ugly disease to witness and be apart of an alchoholic's life. Michael wasn't close with his family or his children. He would see them maybe twice a year and speak to them only a couple times a year. I'm not sure if his family was unaware or just didn't want to face his addiction. The only person I spoke to was his mom once in a while. She was aware he drank alot. We never spoke of his problem. I'm not sure why? His brothers I seldom spoke to. As far as I know, his family never made any attempt to help him. A few days before the funeral I ran into his daughter at a gathering his friends at the local bar were having in honor of Michael. His daughter and I had a fall out a few years back because I was trying to get him some help. I had asked for her help. She came only to degrade her father for his situation. I disagreed with her and told her she was wrong in speaking to her father that way. From that moment she hated me. I decided to approach her anyway and say how sorry I was she lost her father and how I understood her pain. I told her how much I loved him, and how I was there for him always. I told her how I tried in vain to help him. I told her he was not alone. Her response was that she blamed me for what happened. She said it was all my fault. She said she knew her father didn't love me. She said as his girlfriend I should have known something was wrong in the last few days. What kind of gf was I? Her words cut at me like razor blades. His son I saw at the funeral. We never spoke. We only exchanged glances at each other. I chose to just leave things alone. I figured he was already influenced by his sister. Fast forward to today. I am devastated. I feel lost and alone. I cry all the time. Everything reminds me of him. I miss him terribly. Every night I dream its all a nightmare and I will wake up to the way things were. I am having the "what if" and the guilt. I feel guilty because I know I was the closest thing he had and I wasn't there. I keep telling myself there must have been something more i could have done. I can't get the thought of him passing away all alone out of my mind. I wonder if he was in pain. I wonder if he needed me. I wonder what his last moments were like. I wonder why he didn't call me. I wonder if he had a working phone would things have been different. I wonder if it really was my fault. I keep replaying things over and over in my mind. I feel sick to my stomache when i think about it. I get this overwhelming feeling I can't explain when I think of him. I can't sleep. There was an autopsy but it still hasn't come back yet so I don't know why he really died. I may never know. I'm not sure I want to know. My children have been very supportive but I can't really tell them how I really feel. They keep telling me I need to let him go. I've spoken to his mom twice since the funeral but it has been brief and superficial. His children closed me off completely. They refused to eveen let me get my things out of his appartment. My friends were his friends and I have no contact with them. Partly because they were mostly his friends. I knew them only with him. I feel alone in my pain. I have no one who understands or who I can talk to about all this. No one to talk about him with. I have lost loved ones before like my mom and brother but never have I felt so lost, empty. I loved Michael with all my being. I don't know where to go from here.
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