HisWife

Marg, you said this was just your second visit with this new doctor. Did you not have a primary care doctor prior to her? It sounds like she spoke with your surgeon but doesn't believe him. I'm not a proponent of "doctor shopping" at all but I've learned that my health comes first. So if a doctor gives me an indication that he/she finds my case or special needs hard to believe, I would need to find another doctor I would have confidence in. Can your surgeon just not take care of your scrips?

Tomorrow, February 2, at 5 pm, my husband of 33 years drew his last breath three years ago - his last defiant act in the face of the cancer that took over his body in the short time of just 141 days from the test results to his death. I'm not new to this site. If you go back to March or April 2014 you'll see that I was pretty active on this site. There is no sanity the first year, but this site allowed me to understand that my insanity at times was normal for me - exactly what I needed to hear from those of you further along in the journey at that time. While I read this forum everyday and feel as though I know each of you, I stopped regularly posting because my words/thoughts were just playback of what all of you were already experiencing and saying. These three years have been marked with their own unique experiences. The first year was just that -- getting through the first year of "firsts." Realizing in my heart at about the 6 month mark that he was gone and I was alone (my mind knew but my heart still carried hope). That was like losing him all over again. When the second year began, I struggled with the question of "why?" It seemed like I was consumed with that question searching for the answers that never appeared - why didn't the doctor run tests earlier instead of treating the cough with cough syrup, why did I have to insist that his pc doctor make a referral to a pulmonary specialist, why weren't the treatments working, why was time going by so quickly without the results I/he/we had prayed so hard for? And the big WHY question -- Why him??? It wasn't until towards the end of that second year that my Why question was answered - and it was answered by all of you with your sharing on this website. The answer that spoke so loudly one night while on this site was -- WHY NOT? Why not my husband? All of you lost someone you loved dearly and didn't want to lose so why would I think my husband's life should be spared at the expense of your loved one? My tears began to fall at HIS answer but after that revelation, I have been able to move on. This past year (the third without him) has been one of growth for me. Learning who I am as an individual but knowing that who I am is because of my husband's unending love for me. I still wear my wedding band and always will because we took our vows for life - I'm still living my life. He's buried at his family plot about 160 miles from our home and I go every month to sit quietly and reflect, remember and now even smile at things I remember during "our time." My heart still hurts not hearing his voice to calm me when I'm frightened, my heart still hurts not being able to hold his hand or to hug him, my heart still hurts when I reach for him in bed and I'm all alone. It always will hurt - it's the price we pay for loving one so deeply. I've learned to accept the hurt and carry it along with me as a reminder of the love I had, have and will continue to have for Al. Know that as I read each of your comments, my thoughts for you are always that you find some comfort knowing that who you lost loved you so much that your heart still hurts. Sue

Being alone and feeling ill or "not right" is so scary for me as well. I'm going through some health issues now that could be caused by grief-related stress and everyone tells me I just need to try and relax more. Easier said than done. This grief journey is difficult enough w/o throwing in health problems.

Patty65 - I had a similar experience to yours that you mentioned in your July 26 post regarding someone asking for your husband. Al has been gone now 30 months and a few weeks ago I received a phone call from the alumni association of his university. The student was very polite and asked to speak to my husband. I replied, "I'm sorry, he's deceased." The student then replied, "Oh, ok. Would there be a better time to reach him?" I about lost it. I said, "No, because he is DEAD!" The student, who seemed to speak with an accent, was totally beside himself and apologized profusely and said he didn't know what the word "deceased" meant. A few days later, I did receive a note from the alumni president apologizing and said they would remove my husband's name from their call list. Very nice but still a total ambush that just blind-sided me. No matter how far along I am in this grief journey, I've found there are going to be set backs - some minor and some major. This was definitely a major one for me.

Unfortunately, we live in a society where we are associated with titles reflecting who/what we are or do - wife, husband, teacher, lawyer; and now add to that the title of widow/widower. Our identity seems to be defined by these titles. In a GriefShare program I attended, a speaker made the analogy that as a married couple, our lives are like a fine piece of material - woven together to become something beautiful. Now with the death of our partner, that fine piece of material is torn and ripped and has jagged edges. It will take time for the jagged edges (who we now are) to become smooth once again because one of the titles that seems to allude us is the title of "me." Who exactly am I w/o my loved one? After 2-1/2 yrs, I'm just now seeing the beginning of "me." I'm now able to re-arrange furniture, wear my hair a different way, cook certain foods - all little things, but things that are beginning to define who I am by myself. Filling in 24 hrs, though, is still tough. I take walks, volunteer at my church and go to free programs offered at the library. I do make it a point to get out of the house everyday for a bit even if it's just to get a cup of coffee and read the newspaper. This new "normal" takes a lot of time and gentleness to ourselves to adjust. It took time to become who we were, now it will take time to become who we are. Sue

I can honestly say that 28 months into this journey, I have experienced many more days filled with hope and calm as I wake most mornings than I did 6 months ago. That being said, I find myself wide awake at 2:45 a.m. reading and posting on this forum. Why? Because the one thing that I haven't been able to overcome is the fear of going through health issues/medical tests by myself. That happened this week. I had a test done 3 days ago (everything came back normal) but now I have this delayed anxiety attack thinking about what if it hadn't? I would be going through whatever by myself. So I'm awake, finding comfort reading all of your posts. Fortunately, this has been the first time in over a year I've experienced any real anxiety that would keep me awake. That's pretty good.

I think it a bit strange that I never have had a dream of Al or heard him in the 28 months since his death. I know he's watching over me, but it would be nice to dream of him.

Hi everyone. I'm Sue (also known as "HisWife" on this forum). Briefly, I lost my husband, Al, in February 2014, to a rare but deadly cancer - Double Hit B-Cell Lymphoma. From his diagnosis, on his birthday, to his death was just under 6 months. I found this group in November 2014 and was a frequent participant; but as the first set of major holidays/birthdays approached, I found it very difficult to participate/offer words of encouragement to all of you when I was so deep in my own grief. After the first death anniversary, I was able to come back to this healing forum as a daily reader but was not yet ready to fully participate. Now that I'm into this new, unwanted life of almost 28 months, I feel I may be able, based on discussion topics, to offer my insights as I've traveled this lonesome road and where my journey has led me. Since I read all the posts daily, I feel like I know each one of you and find comfort in your words. I hope by my posting on a more regular basis, you will soon feel comfortable with me as well.

Kayc, know that you are, and will continue to be, in my prayers for a successful and, if possible, not too much pain surgery. I hope you will be able to feel our comfort with you on the 23rd. Sue

Dar, the ache in your heart is felt by all the members of this group, unfortunately; the journey we all knew would one day begin but yet never dreamed it would. I loss my husband of 32 years in February 2014 from cancer and getting through all the "firsts" have, at times, exhausted me. I know one should never wish days away but it would not bother me one bit to skip over December with all the celebratory activities being thrown in my face everyday. When I first began reading posts from this forum and people mentioned how the pain does, ever so slowly, begin to not feel so raw, I couldn't believe it. But now, 10 months later, I can attest it is getting slightly better (except when all those "firsts" ambush me). As far as removing your husband's name from things - I haven't seen the need to rush into this. His name still appears on all my bank documents, stocks, etc. My estate lawyer said that his name can remain forever, if I so choose, because when I pass, my Will/Trust will kick in. I know you have so many things to think about but if you haven't done so, I would update your Will/Trust as soon as you are able to. Also, you may want to contact a financial advisor to discuss the best way to extend your funds (most reputable advisors provide free consultations). Sending you prayers of comfort today. - Sue

My best friend's dad passed aways a couple of weeks after my husband died. I could not bring myself to attend the funeral even though I loved her dad as my own. I just phoned and was honest saying I was still trying to handle my own grief and hope she would understand my not coming. She made me feel much more comfortable by saying she did not expect to attend because she realized it would be too hard. Your "in-laws" may already know and understand you are not at a place yet in your grief that would allow you to attend. I would make a personal call, though, to tell them. Sue

Kay, my bd is 12/18 and my son's is the 19th. I pray your surgery goes well and your pain is relieved. Sue

This is my first Christmas w/o Al as well. Also my bd is next week, which he always made me feel so special on. My kids, while meaning well, keep asking how I want to celebrate. Really? Celebrate? Both are local and are coming with their little ones on Christmas. And while I am thankful they will be here, all I really want to do is go to sleep and have it be January. I attend GriefShare mtgs and they have a special website dealing with the holidays. It's www.griefshare.org/holidays. The info there, as well as coming here, has given me hope that I can get through this month but only if I take it day-by-day. Sue

Harry, so sorry you're having that uphill battle grieving Jane's loss as the anniversary is approaching. Those ambush emotions are brutle. This is my first year going through the holidays immediately followed by the first anniversary of Al's death. Know that your words are making a difference in my grieving process. I hope you find comfort in your writing and in coming here. -Sue