Lea W

WaltC, Hugs to you, I am so sorry for your loss. Today also holds special, but not so wonderful, meaning to myself. It was two years ago today that marked the beginning of the end of the life of my split apart. I wish I could say it was cancer, or something more explainable, but reality is that a stupid routine ERCP caused the death of the love of my life. I think what hurts the most is the fact that I forced him to go for the test that killed him. God knows I didn't want him to die, I wanted him to be with me forever. The dye that was shot into the pancreas caused it to pretty much eat itself up. as well as every organ in the abdomonal area. Three and a half months of hell in icu on life support, he finally passed from my world. I loved him for thirty years, we have 5 beautiful children together, but I thanked God the day he finally took him from this world. I don't know if I can forgive the Lord for all the pain he made him endure for the last 3 1/2 months of his life. Patrick was so selfless, he gave his all for his family. Not to take away from your pain, I just wanted to let you know that your pain is shared, and God must know what he is doing. He sure has taken those who are most special from this world. I guess they have already fulfilled thier obligations on this earth and you and I still have work to do. Take care, Lea

I'd like to Thank everyone who read and replied to my post. I do still, after a year and a half, take it day by day. Most day's I'm able to keep it together, until alone in my bed, but waking with swollen eyes everyday, kind of throws it in my kids face that I still hurt daily. I worry about my youngest children in that I really haven't seen them cry much. I've tried to make their life as normal as possible and give them everything, but I know they must miss their dad. Yes, he was a wonderful father. They are wonderful children, but without their father I know they are missing out on so much, that only a father, their father, can teach them. My oldest son's do step in and try to fill their dad's shoes, but that sometimes angers me. Why must they play father to their little brothers? There are no answers and life was never said to be fair. I think right now I'm just going through one of those out of the blue phases that I just have to work through. I know that I should be, and I am, proud that we raised such wonderful children who are willing to step in and try to be a father figure, so why does it anger me sometimes? I don't know, maybe because they shouldn't have to feel that responsible, at such a young age. So you see that is why I always try to be the strong one. It is not for my children to take care of me, but for me to be strong and take care of my children. Gosh, I just answered my own question. But it is nice to be able to open up to everyone here, and I thank you all for the shoulder to cry on. Lea

I'm new at posting here, but have been lurking for over a year. I come along and read the post from all of the broken hearted, take what I need and leave without offering any comfort to anyone else, I apologize for that. I've always been one to hide the pain and put on the strong game face, it seems to work for me, or should I say it is expected from me. I'm so tired of feeling like everyone is watching me and I have to act a certain way. Loooong story short. I was married to my split apart "Pat" for 24 years when out of the blue he bacame ill. I forced him to go for a scheduled test "ERCP" on 1-2-08. Things went really bad, exploded his pancreas and after 3 1/2 months of hell he passed from my world on 4-20-08, 3 days later on my birthday I buried the love of my life. We have five beautiful children. Three of which are young adults in college and the youngest are our 12 year old twin boys. After almost a year and a half I still feel such anger and guilt. I think my tears are more frequent than before. You know I just really miss his arms around me and hearing the words "I Love You". He was my knight in shining armor always treated me like a queen, protected me from the hurt and pain of the real world. To top it all off my sister just on 11-09-09 committed suicide. Why...Why..."I'm the gosh darn baby of the family" is it all put upon my shoulders to entertain the family and see to it that she is properly "disposed" of. Yes, I am angry..no worries I am bringing her ashes home and planting a tree...I love her soooo much...but when can I be the weak one? Why do I always have to be the strong one? I know that this is heavy and no one has the answer, but I really need to just say it, even if it is just typing on a gosh darn keyboard. Lea