LoriW

Barb, I really admire you sharing your story with us. I hope you are able to build your relationships again as I am sure they are missing you too. I say this because my brothers and myself are on the side of having been cut out of our Dad's life not so long after our Mom's death. It's been difficult and painful and quite frankly shocking! I know he hurts that my Mom died...I miss her too, but rather than drawing on those who have been near, dear and loving to him he's pushed us all away and wants nothing to do with any of us. I pray that he discovers the things you speak of.....I've tried to reach out, only to get hurt even more. I figure he'll come when he's ready...it that every happens. I wish for you Barb, happiness....not having lost I spouse I cannot understand that pain. Know that this board is always here and we learn from one another. Once again, thanks for sharing your story with me, it gives me insight into what my Dad has been going through

Deb, I know you are having a rough time right now and as hard as it is we must go through all the milestones. Getting through them....sometimes just by existing....sometimes by crying for hours....and yes, sometimes by laughing we begin to heal. You are only 9 months into your grief. Be gentle with yourself and don't expect yourself to be okay on certain days. I often found myself, within the first year of my Mom's death, much more at peace on that "dreaded" day. It was often times the days that built up to that day that were much worse. I can remember getting really worked up about the 1st year of the date of my Mom's death, when in actuality the day prior to that was much worse. Just know that missing someone and grieving that loss is never easy. You will be okay and one day the hurt may ease a bit. I never thought I would be where I am at after my Mom's death in 2005. I'm now coming up on 3 years without my Mom. I think of her every single day....every day. I spoke of her to a friend the other day and I could feel the tinge of sadness and missing her, but I know that she'd want me to carry on and remember her with a lot of smiles and laughter. You're in my prayers.

D2 I can relate so well to what you are going through. My Mom died 2 and a half years ago. She was 62....my Dad was 64 at the time. They had been married 44 years, they were very young when they married. Within several months of her death he was trying to find someone else to love and care for him like my Mom had. His demeanor changed he began doing things I never seen him do in my life, his interests changed. My brothers and I tried to get him to come spend time with us and our families which include his grandchildren, but he avoided us. Within 6 months of my Mom's death he met someone online and began a long distance relationship...he flew cross country and on the year mark of my Mom's death, he was visiting his new friend and called to tell us he was "in love". One month laterm he flew back again and got engaged. He will be married 1 year this August. This is what hurts.......he has tossed aside anyone who had a meaningful relationship with my Mom......including his 3 children and his grandchildren. He has treated my Mom's family (his inlaws) horribly and done something to my Grandma (his mother-in-law) that is quite shocking. I cannot believe that this is the same man who raised me and taught me about loving people and doing the right thing!!!!! His behavior is that of a complete stranger. I never saw any animosity or disdain for my Mom's family in all the years of their marriage, I know there were annoying things but that is standard in any family. This behavior leaves me and my brothers, as well as friends dumbfounded. He has not spoken to us, his children, in almost a year with the exception of some pretty nasty emails in which he insinuates we are replaceable because his new wife has children and grandchildren as well. He no longer associates himself or talks with any of his old friends he had with my Mom, some he has known for decades. Believe me when I say I know your fears....I pray your Dad reaches out and finds help. My Dad did not seek any counseling, never really liked to talk about my Mom's sudden death and basically has tried to ease his suffering by finding a replacement so he can feel the same. I'm not sure how this is working out for him as anything familiar to him has to be completely gone. I don't know if things will ever be repaired and that distresses me. I would almost think that after seeing the sudden and unexpected loss of my Mom he would try to live his life differently and value the people who were there in the days...weeks and months after my Mom's death. There's really not much you can do but just hope and pray that he finds his way back. We're here for you if you need to talk. Lori

I've not lost a spouse or a significant other, I don't think it can be generalized. However, had my Dad been the one to pass away, I believe my Mom was much more equipped to handle things better. She did everything...paid the bills...housework...cooked...entertained, his world at 64 years old was turned upside down. I'm sure her grief would have been just as intense as what my Dad has gone through.....but I don't believe she would have turned her back on her children...inlaws and friends. I think his grief has never been dealt with...he's just tried to cover it up....it's a personality thing.

I want to wish those of you who have lost their Father's a peaceful day of remembering. Keep your memories of your Dad near, tell a story or two of him to your children, grandchildren or friend. Recall a memory with a sibling who has just as many memories as you do. It will keep his legacy alive and bring a smile or two. Peace to you all for the coming days and on Sunday. Lori

I too am sorry for the loss of your Mom. I also want to congratulate you on the birth of your baby boy. First, do not expect yourself to be back to where you used to be. It may never happen and it's going to take time to heal from such a sudden and unexpected loss, especially at such an emotionally vulnerable time when you are expecting nothing but joy. Go easy on yourself and do not expect too much of yourself. I cannot imagine having to take care of a newborn and yet grieve the loss of a Mother. Grief in itself is exhausting and to take care of a new baby and another child......you must be on auto-pilot. My Mom died suddenly 2 and a half years ago. 5 days after Thanksgiving. I was numb and being that it was close to Christmas and had kids that still believed in Santa Claus, I just went through the motions. I cried a lot. I can only imagine how you feel....as I know having a baby comes with it's own set of emotions and then not to have your Mom to call just compounds the emotions. I'm glad your fiance is supportive, he will need to be as you must work through grief at your own pace. I can kind of relate to the situation with your stepdad too. My own Dad, has basically disassociated himself with his own children, myself and my 2 brothers. He no longer speaks to my Mom's family or the friends he and my Mom had for decades. He may not be out drinking but my Mom's death has profoundly effected his life and he has chose to cut us all out rather than feel the loss and grieve. He has remarried and basically has told us he has a new family. I can see where you would want to stay connected and yet your stepdad pushes you away and then you feel even further from your Mom......that's how I feel. As time passes you will relive the vivid memories of the hours and minutes before your Mom's death less and less. I know that my mind often would find itself going back to that day and reliving everything over and over again. It was almost like watching a movie. Like I said, I cried a lot....especially alone in the car. I didn't want anyone to think I was a total basket case. Now, however, I miss Mom like crazy...think of her at least half a dozen times a day but it's better....not the same.....but I'm learning everyday to adjust and make my way. You will too, even though you may not believe it now. Take care of you.....because you have to be there for your babies, your Mom would want that most of all! Hugs and prayers. Lori

Rosanne, I have to agree with Leeanne regarding the 1st marking of your mom's passing away. The day before that milestone for me was much more emotional than the actual day. It's now been 2 and half years since my Mom died and it will get better. I think about her every single solitary day of my life. I miss her every single day of my life.......but, I know she's not coming back and I hold tight to all of the beautiful memories and her love. Do you what you absolutely must that day. If you feel as if you cannot go about your usual daily life.....stay in bed if you must....cry if you must....feel the raw pain of missinger that day......it is how we heal, and although life is NEVER the same, we find that we grow from the loss, learn about what is important to us and who is important to us. You may even find that you will be very peaceful on that anniversary date. I know, I surprisingly found myself much more calmer than the day before.....as I felt like that the day before the 1 year mark of her death.....I thought so much about what she had planned for the days and weeks ahead and never got to do.....then the next morning came and I was at peace. I sometimes like to think it was my Mom's and God's gift to me. To have a special day to think of her love. I know how hard it is to miss you Mother. I know that it's a yearning and desire every single day.....no matter how old you are. I am 42 years old and there's been so many times I've wanted to call her and tell her something about my girls. Holidays are not the same and my family of origin, in general, has been destroyed. Grieving is a long time process....to feel all the pain is to allow yourself to grow and heal........I know, I have been much more sympathetic to those who've lost a parent since my own Mom died. Do what you must on that day and the days ahead. You had only 1 Mother..........they are our nuturers....our touchstones.....our hearts......it's a bond that is truly amazing. My heart and prayers go out to you. Hugs Lori

Although my Dad did not turn to partying after the sudden death of my Mom....things have changed drastically! Within 18 months of my Mom's death he remarried a woman from the other side of the country (got engaged after only seeing her 2 times).....turned against his in-laws (my Mom's family), no longer associates with his friends he had when my Mom was alive after his marriage last summer.......and the worst.....he's no longer speaking to my 2 brothers and myself. There's nothing more I can do. I truly believe he has not dealt with the grief associated with my Mom's sudden death in 2005. It's almost as if, anyone that had anything to do with his 'old' life that included my Mom of course is too painful for him to be reminded of. It's confusing...it's hurtful.....it's frustrating and it makes me angry. So, in a way I know how you feel. I just hope with time....he will deal with all of his grief and realize that those he has pushed away are still here waiting for him to come back....just like you are with your dear friend. Hugs Lori

Shauna, I no longer keep track like that as much. Although, the 30th of April marked 2 years and 5 months since my Mom's death. When she first died, Wednesdays seemed difficult for me. I used to keep track of them...week by week. Then, that faded and all through the first year the 30th was significant. Now, not so much. However, with the coming of Mother's Day I'm feeling more emotional. Sometimes, I don't realize it but then it hits me. I think of my Mom every single day. Missing her, and taking things she taught me and trying to live them and apply them to my daily life. My girls were only 6 and 9 when she died, I definitely keep her memory alive so she's not fogotten.

First of all....you cannot expect yourself to ever be the same again. You can't expect yourself to not feel the loss of your Mom just because it was anticipated. You have lost a person who has been close to you since your birth. You will not be the same but you will have gained wisdom and in turn....you may find yourself helping someone else. I wish more than anything my Mom was still with me. It's now nearly 2 and a half years. I have certain times where I still cry....but it's better. By losing my Mom, I have been able to help friends who have lost a parent or a close family member. It's easier to know what to say and do. Go easy on yourself....I wasn't even back in the office 5 days after my Mom died.

I saw the Primetime program about Randy. I had not heard of him before Wednesday evening. He is a remarkable person with a remarkable wife. I love his attitude and his outlook and his message. What an inspiration.

Joy, I'm sorry for the loss of your Dad. I remember the place you are at right now. I lost my Mom unexpectedly in November 05. I had just seen her 5 days before and she was fine. You must begin taking this minute by minute...then hour by hour....day by day....week by week....month by month. I cried every signle day, sometimes several times a day when it first happened. I worried for my Dad who was left behind....it was bad. I couldn't sleep well,couldn't think straight and I would replay the day and the details of her death over and over in my mind. Milestones of the first year of her being gone became a stressor....somtimes the buildup to the actual day worse than the day itself. 2 examples were her first birthday being gone and the day of her death. I felt peacefulness on her birthday....I spent it with my Dad and some of their friends, we went to dinner and talked about her. The year anniversary of her passing I was much more emotional on the day prior than the day of.....I kept reliving how normal my day was one year prior and how much it changed the next. Slowly but surely and with a great group of friends to let me speak of my grief....and this site.....the grief got better. I began not to cry everyday...memories of Mom would come and would be sweet. Kind of like little love notes left in the mind. I cherish each one! Now, it's nearly 2 years and 4 months since she died, there is not a day that goes by that I do not think of this woman I loved so much, who did so much for me and loved me all of my life! I miss her terribly....but often I feel her. Know that your Dad is with you...you are a part of him. It will get better, even though it doesn't feel like it now. Do not deny yourself your grief...cry when you must and feel that loss and in the end you will heal. Things are never quite the same as they had been, but a "new" normal will emerge. Peace to you Lori

Karen, I am right there with you! I am living this stuff right now! It's not about life insurance and it has to do with my Dad. My Mom and he were married 44 years, my Mom died and her Mom is still alive. She is elderly and needed to move out of her large family home she's lived in for 40 plus years. After my Grandpa passed in the 80's my Mom's name and her 2 sisters' names were put on the house deed so that all the money from my Grandma's home would be safe if something happened to her and they needed to sell it and use the money for her care. Mom dies. Grandma's in failing health and agrees to move into assisted living. The sale of her home will pay for her care in her new apartment. My Dad needs to resign the deed in place of my Mom because he is on her will. My Dad refused to sign never giving his adult children an explanation as to why he refused. Never communicated with my Mother's family...just nasty emails....and now he does not speak to me or my brother. I never in my life could have believed this.....but, it just goes to show what can happen when a death occurs. The sad thing is, my Grandma's not even dead! The house was sold, my Mom's 2 sisters signed the new deed and recieved no money from the sale and nor were they penalized (my Dad was told her would neither benefit or lose by signing)....my Grandma received her check and my Dad received a check. This money was never meant to be his and it has torn our family apart. He doesn't even care and it hurts so deeply. I know my Mom would be furious....I'm sure she is now. I wish he would have done the right thing...my Mom died and my Dad is gone, it makes me sad.

Rosanne, I have tended to be skeptical of those type of things. Right after my Mom died...it was exactly a week to the day, I went back to work and I felt a brushing on the left side of me...I swore I heard someone call my name. As strange as I thought it was, I let it go. The last thing that occurred was about 2 months ago. If you read some of my other posts I have been going through a difficult time with my Dad. It's not been good. I received a nasty email from him one afternoon, I was so upset that I could not finish reading the email right away. I had to go sit in my living room to calm myself and yet that was not working. The phone rang and when I answered it....it was my Mom's best friend for the last 10 years, calling to see how I was. I think between my Mom and God...they both knew....I needed someone and of all people....not a good friend of mine, but my Mom's! To me that was a huge message from her.

Rene, I can relate to what your feeling. My Mom died in Nov. 2005 and my Dad started a long distance relationship with a widowed woman in July 2006...by December 2006 they were engaged and they married in August 07. I had to know that my Dad deserved to be happy again but I definitely felt that once he met her and decided that this was a relationship he wanted to persue...we (his kids)were no longer necessary. Last year, he spent not 1 holiday with any of us....not Thanksgiving, Christmas or Easter. It hurt and still does..... Keep your chin up! Have you met this woman? You may like her and she could possibly be good for your Dad. I just wished that my situation would have worked out that way.