valley

Teny in Greece, hello! Sept. 9th my husband will have been gone 2 years. I move forward each day, but like you........I miss him all the time. Our conversations, laughter, arguments even.....discussing our kids, my mom, what we are going to do each day. I long for him. I keep asking myself...."where are you Tom"? Sounds stupid, but still I cannot believe that big, strong man is not just around the corner and will come to me. Yet I make plans and entertain and enjoy my friends and mow my lawns and problem solve on my own. I do business, make decisions, learn things that I never needed or really wanted to know and part of it is.....my two grown children need me to put my best foot forward and not live in sadness. I could live there. But I don't let myself. They loved their father and they cannot move forward if I do not. I have learned that. And Tom would expect that of me. I am still "in love" with Tom, it is an active feeling and has not gone away. Like many of you I have lots of responsibilities and do my best to carry them out and do a good job. But darn.....today I was out using my weed whipper and picking raspberries. Enjoying my place. Came in the house with a cabbage from the garden and looked out my window and there was a huge brown bear. I ran out on the deck and banged some pots and pans. Nothing happened. The bear looked at me and then continue breaking my ornamental plum as it tried to get the tiniest little plums. So tomorrow I need to clean up the mess and then I plan to cut all my grapes and haul them off. They are small, but around my porch deck railings and I know that will be the next place the bear goes. So my life keeps me busy. Is my life rich? No. Not like it was. I believe, not like it will ever be again. Because I know in my heart that Tom was my match. We clicked. We got each other. But I will move forward because it is my nature and because I am surrounded by friends who reach out to me, a mother who is 93 and needs me to be strong for her, my children need me to be a sign post for how to survive when all you want to do is surrender. And as I say, "I am in love with Tom" and for right now, that sustains me. Love to all you dear people, Valley

Korina, What a lovely daughter. Go Monteal Go. Go Canuks Go. Like you, I loved talking sports, politics, EVERYTHING with my partner. Love to you, Valley

Happy Birthday from me too...... All the best, Valley

Mary Lou and all of you good people, Yes, the only way I have been able to survive my loss is to go one day at a time. Live the day I am in. Gradually I have been able to think a week ahead. And try to make each day count....for you. If you need to cry, then cry. If you need to talk to someone, then talk. If you need solitude, then take it. Let yourself feel what you feel and do not feel guilty for that. I never knew what a broken heart was....now I do. And like the bones in your body, it takes time to mend. Allow yourself that time. For me, this loss has been sometimes unbearable, and yet I am still here. I miss my partner all the time, and yet I can laugh again. Grief is something I did not truely know, as it was always only a word, eventhough I had lost very important people in my life, people I loved intensely. But nothing, nothing prepared me to lose my life partner. I feel a deep ache inside, but I am still here, still functioning, and yes.....I can laugh and enjoy friends and family, the beauty of my home and environment, the warmth of the sun, the crow that flies by. But yes, grief is overwhelming. One day at a time. Bless you all, Valley

Dear Suzanne, Yes, the pain of this intense heart ache is enormous. This broken heart. My husband died 19 months ago and I miss him every day. Like you, I felt I could not go on, or rather didn't care to. That joy was gone forever. We do go on, as our partners would want us to. We scream and we cry and we finally come to a day where that is less intense. Where we find a tiny bit of balance as we move forward. I still cannot sleep well at night. I cry, but not every day. I am beginning to learn to do the things around our place that Tom always did. I can only do this by thinking that he is watching me, finding it funny, finding it good. He was someone who did not like to see things fall apart and so in his honor I am trying to pull myself together and our place. I ask friends. I pay people. I do what I can now to keep the place going which requires that I keep myself going too. I was in the hardware store the other day to buy stain for my deck. I didn't know if the old stain was oil based or latex and all of a sudden I started crying. Caught the salesman off guard. I never know when my longing will surface and hit me. I left the store and drove home and thought "why am I doing any of this"? And then I think, because Tom loved this place and I need to keep it up...for him and for me. You will at some point feel stronger, but it is so different for everyone. But you will. The loss of a great love and friendship stays with you, but I am hoping mellows into something I can feel happy to have experienced and grateful that I had that in my life. For now, I still just feel the sadness of this huge loss. Take care and write what you feel. I am so sorry for your loss. Valley

Like others, what causes me the most pain......it is that Tom did not get to live out his own full life. He was a man who totally loved life and expressed that to everyone. He was happy. He wanted to be around his kids and to imagine their futures. It is this part of grief that stuns me. It is not so much for me (though I miss him every day), it is that he did not get to live out what should have been many more years. As I write this I weep. It is not for me so much, but for him. And somehow I get stuck in this place and do not know how to move past it. I weep for him. I can see his face and hear his words, "I am gonna get past this and live'. He wanted to live. In that way, it is unlike divorce. Two people part ways, but they are still alive. I don't know. I agree, comparing situations is wrong and doesn't really help. I only know death....that is enough for me. Valley

I am so sorry for the loss of your dear husband Dan. As Kay said, you cannot fill the role of two people, no matter how hard you go at it. This death is all so new for you, so raw, so overwhelming, that of course you feel adrift and "less than whole". Focus on taking care of yourself and rebuilding the business you and your husband shared...if that is possible and something you want to do. I can imagine right now that each task seems monumental, impossible, huge. Take care of you. And you have the wise words of Dan, telling you that and wanting you to be able to find happiness in your life again. My husband, also my best friend and long time life partner of 40 years, died 19 months ago in a few days. I have good days and "lost" days, and often am overwhelmed by the work of managing our big place. Some days I do nothing. Some days I do one thing. Some days I have lots of energy and feel accomplishment at the end. But like this morning, when I was looking around (spring time) at all that has to be done this spring and summer, (rebuild the front porch, fix the lawn mower, turn over the garden, pull the weeds, fix the kitchen counter and on and on and on ) I tell myself..........just think of one thing at a time....chip away.....that will be good enough. Don't get caught up in thinking you have to do it all at one time. My heart goes out to you. I still feel much like you do, 1/2 of a whole and I still yearn and long for that best friend of mine, my funny, strong, wonderful husband. Please take care of yourself. The pain does become more manageable, or at least it has for me. And I am forever thankful for my two wonderful adult children. Bless you, Valley

Boo, You are a friend to all.....we love you.....for your openess, your wisdom, your caring, your kind and gentle soul. I hope some of the rough edges have rounded in your life and that your Cliff lives strongly in your heart. Valley

Thank you so much. I celebrated my 66th year with my wonderful son. Besides the awesome dinner he brougt over for us to share...we talked and we talked and we talked. I felt loved. My daughter is coming on the long weekend and has invited some of my good friends to come to my house for dinner...which she is doing....French Canadian, though we are not French. My son will also come and it is a tribute to my dear Tom that our children are stepping up to celebrate, not only me, but our old family friends. I have been gone from my home since late November, so have not been staying up with my friends here. In my heart, you have all helped pull me along the shores of grief as I look for some emotional peace. Love to you all, Valley

Love is powerful. You are a testament to that. Kim and Dan, a love story. All the best, Valley

You wonderful people! Yes, it is so hard. I passed my first year without my husband and still when I think about him, focus on some wonderful time with tom, I cry. I still cannot help it. I long for him, I miss him, but mostly, mostly, I am so sad that this wonderful man did not get to live out a much longer life. To all of you dear people, my heart goes out to you. My love is coming to you. I believe there is nothing harder than losing someone you trust, you have fun with, you believe in, you make plans with, you move forward with. But at least we can come here together and know that this moment in time with share with soul brothers and sisters. I am sharing your load tonight. Bless you all, Valley

Seventeen months since my Tom died. I still live with his things all around me. Medical records in a file box. His truck in the carport, now unlicensed, but still there. His studio full of the projects he was working on. His paint pallet with oils still on it. Shoes by the door, hat on the door hook. I can't help it. I figure I will do something about it someday......I'll get up one morning and think, now is the time. But for now I love seeing his things, like how it was when I got to enjoy him in real time. I still badly need something from Tom, his strength, his love, his support...and I get some of that by still living with these parts of him. I did throw away a toothpick the other day......it was funny how I found it where he left it, knew it had been chewed on by him, and I debated long and hard if I should throw it out. Oh my gosh. It became kind of funny and I did throw it in the trash. I wear my wedding ring and feel married to Tom. Maybe someday this will change, but for me now, it gives me a sense of belonging to him and as others have said, "keeps him alive" inside me. I feel his footprint on my soul, but I like all the other physical "do dads" too. As long as I am not crazy, or going crazy, I think it is just fine for me. Oh.....I did get rid of a cabinet full of medications by taking them to the drug store and turning them in for disposal soon after he died. it did seem a waste as we spent hundreds of dollars on them. I did not have a hard time getting rid of them. Not at all. Since Tom also went to a naturopath we also had bottles and bottles of vit., supplements, min. etc.....and I take those. Much love to you Marsha. Valley

friends, I was moved by Marsha's post here, about people stepping forward to share with you their own grief. That has happened to me to. And it is so touching and so real. A few weeks after Tom died, I came in the house and had a message on my answering machine. From a mechanic at Midas, where we had taken our cars to be worked on. I didn't know Steve well at all, but could put a face to his name. He said, he read about my Tom dying in the paper. He was so sad and wanted me to know that I should not worry, he would always be happy to help me keep my car running. I was so surprised by this message. A few months later I had to go to Midas. Steve was working that day and he walked out to my car with me. He told me that his wife had died young and left him with their two young boys who he has raised. He is a younger man and wanted to tell me his story. He wanted to tell me that he knows my pain and how sorry he was. How he liked my husband. Even remembering this tonight brings me to tears. So many of us walk around with grief that is not known by others. but we do feel the pain of others when we hear of their loss. Steve took it upon himself to personally call me at home to say his kind words. To someone he only knew in the smallest way. This is kindness. As are all of you. Thank you, Valley

John This site was a tremendous help to me because I knew the people here could relate to loss and all the feelings that go with it. My friends were great really, but I started feeling bad after many months, that I was bringing them down. I didn't want to feel a responsbility to "be up" with them. My grown children were another matter, as I felt such longing for my husband, their dad, that I could not talk about anything else, but sadness. Finally I realized that I was hurting them even more than they already hurt losing a father they loved...they couldn't stand to see me so sad all the time. I did try to reign myself in a bit with them. I think when we love someone and see them hurting, we just want to help, to fix things. With death there is no fix. Each one of us goes through it in different ways, at different pace, expressing ourselves differently. We all have to find our way. Suzie has it right in that we cannot change others, but we can ourselves. A good, good friend of mine told me that a fellow she knew had lost his wife 6 months ago to cancer and he was so down. She casually said to me, "he should snap out of it"! I had to shake my head. She was a friend that was always right there for me through my deepest grief. It made me think that she believes I have become stronger, less grief stricken, and yes, that has happened. Good thing she was gentler with me. Snap Out Of It....how weird is that! How insensitive. Spoken by someone who never lost a deep love. My love died over 14 months ago and I love it when our friends talk about Tom. Bring him up in converstion, like he is right there with us. For me he is. I haven't been able to find the space between his life and his death and the distance that perhaps I should by now feel. He was/is one of the better parts of who I am. or so I see it. Certainly the fun part. Believe in what you feel and just feel it. There is no way to really walk around it. Love your friends. Love yourself. Go at your own pace. To each, his/her own. All the best, Valley

John, I write like I am talking....to a piece of paper. Just let it roll. For me journals can be like historical records of how we felt, who we were, where we were at during different times in our lives. We have a tangible way of capturing our ideas and feelings of the past. Sort of like how photos trigger memory. But in the present, they can just be a place to lay down your load, peacefully. Sometimes the creative act of writing just helps. Valley