Korina

While I am quite lucky in that I have supportive in-laws and family (and friends), I only have one daughter. It might sound stupid, but I worry about being alone when I get older (I cannot expect my daughter to stick around to be with me and forgo living her own life...). She is only 2, so this is a long way off, but it is in the back of my mind. Korina

So very lovely. Korina

You said in part of your post that your compassion is a curse. I think your compassion makes you a very special and wonderful person. That said, not a person to be pushed around, as you have demonstrated. Korina

Tammy: Anything I could offer has already been said in this post. Therefore, Happy Belated Birthday to you. Korina

A candle is burning for Scott right now. Korina

Do whatever works for you! Korina

A website I have found interesting is http://www.nderf.org/. There are some fairly long-winded (but interesting) essays about near death experiences, and related topics, but it is comforting to read all the submissions (all follow a similar format because they are responding to form questions). A related website is http://www.adcrf.org/ - after death communications, same format as the near death website. Korina

Melina: How difficult for you! You know, I usually am pretty good on a daily basis (though of course I have moments just about every day); then a couple of months ago, I ran into one of Scott's friends, and it was all I could do to hold it together. Seeing him was just so 100% Scott - so from his world, the world that is no longer a part of my life, it was like a slap in the face. As for all the Christmas music, this being my second year, though more difficult in some ways, I find I am able to enjoy Christmas songs, even the sappy couples music. I think this is because I have always enjoyed Christmas music (Scott kinda tolerated it, so I don't have any real special Scott Christmas music memories). It is the presents that hit me. He loved buying me presents and would have been in heaven (no pun intended) buying Kailyn presents and watching her open them on Christmas morning. Korina

Giving back to others, no matter what our personal circumstance, I believe is always a positive emotional/psychological experience, and in our cases, healing. There are many words of encouragement in this thread - a wonderful thing at this difficult time of year. Korina

Thanks for all the replies - your love and encouragement mean the world to me! And to everyone having just trying to survive the holidays, hang in there. In this second year, Scott's mom is also having a really rough time. I, too, think the first Christmas was survived through a certain degree of numbness, plus concerted planning to survive. Truly, stark reality this time around is just so ... blunt. And all the moments with Kailyn where I wish with all my heart Scott was here, physically, watching her beside me. But my sign has helped me a great deal, as has the joy (bittersweet though it is) of watching Kailyn truly entranced by the Christmas season (last year was exciting, but she was not even a year old; this year at 22 months, ...well, all you parents know what I mean). Korina

It has been a few weeks since I have posted (busy, tired all those things). It will be my second Christmas without Scott, and I must admit it has been almost harder than last year. I think this is partly because I spend Christmas last year with Scott's family and New Year's with mine; this year, I have a homestay student through to mid-January, so I will have to wait till then to visit. Anyhow, with all the ache in my heart that has been intensified over the last few weeks, I had an experience that has lifted my spirits. I have a wireless connection for my home laptop. Last week I was working away, but apparently lost my connection (nothing too unusual - just go in an unplug the D-Link and plug it back in). But when I looked at my connection, it appeared to be still intact (the little blue wheel was there). I clicked in and it said I still had full internet connection... Hmmm. Then I looked at the name of the connection. Here is the weird part. It was Scott's ID that he had set up when we first got wireless. I haven't used that ID since he died - I had to reinstall the whole D-Link at least twice since then, with completely new IDs and passwords. Not only that, it had Scott's ID and then my ID in brackets - SCOTT (korina) - these are not the real id names, as Scott's consisted of at least one naughty word, something he thought was extremely funny when he was setting it up. Very weird - the IT guy at work has never heard of such a thing. Anyhow, I took it as hello from my man, and it gave my spirits a definite lift. Korina

Very tough - my heart goes out to you. But I am sure you have brought the important things and memories with you. That is how I am going to look at it when we move (the plan is for next year, and to get a place with my parents). Korina

Oh, boy, those first weeks definitely felt like the twilight zone! It is good that you have found this site, because one thing that helped me immensely, and still does, is being able to talk about Scott without fear of making people uncomfortable, whether it be here or in person. So talk and post away! Korina

Carol Ann: I think you are very brave to share such a personal thing. While I have no words of wisdom, please know I am thinking of you, and hope you can feel the love from this site as you face this new difficulty. From what I can tell from your past posts, though I know it is going to be tough, you will persevere! Korina

I don't have the option, as I had Scott taken back to Montreal to where his family is (mom, sister, etc) (we have been in Vancouver since 1993). Though we lived in Vancouver, I believe Montreal was truly his roots. His mom visits his grave usually every weekend, and I visit once every time I go back to visit. Scott didn't care for cemetaries either, as he never went to see his father's grave. When I go, I always feel sad, but in truth, it doesn't faze me much one way or the other. I will always go as I feel it is kind of like visiting 'him' and do feel the need to go, but I am surrounded by him everyday at home, I talk to him (though only sometimes out loud ), and have found this to be enough. I can totally relate to the slow motion. In those early months, I often felt like I was watching myself from outside my body, or was watching things from inside a plexiglass case. Very strange feeling. Korina