pastmidnite

I am so sorry for your loss. Sometimes there isn't anything to do but cry and remember and talk. It sounds like you had a great relationship with your cousin and I can only imagine how it is to learn more about him now. Hang in there.

I have found that for me it helps to have a grief counselor I can share deeply with that I don't have to deal with on a personal and professional level. I think that people at work mean well, but as you note--it is a lot--when dealing with grief and expecting anyone to fully be there for me seems to lead to disappointment and feeling worse. I am especially careful with work relationships, because although people might mean well I don't want them to know my deep down personal as it can lead to betrayal too easily and I have to work. I'm so sorry for your loss and hope you'll find support in a variety of places. The emotions and complications that come when a death of a parent is coupled with a really rocky relationship. My dad died in September. I'm still in the ups and downs of dealing with that as well so don't hesitate to come here and reach out any time!

Don't get me wrong he didn't give them to me I learned them as so many survivors do. And of course I'm up and down and all over the place emotionally right now--and it doesn't help to say this is normal and to be expected, but it does...you know. I appreciate this site very much and was just remembering that I joined 4 years ago when my grandpa passed away and my sister and I had to help get my dad to sign himself in for evaluation--what a horrible time that was and all of it happening at the same time. I'm thankful for the space to heal and the wisdom of those who have built this community.

keep breaking the chain I had thought over the years about the gifts that my abusive dad helped me develop. The ability to deal with stress, talk to people, problem solve. I had to shift from what I didn't have and get to look at what I was able to become not only despite but also because of the difficulties I faced in my house.

I thank you all for your responses and kindness. I agree that the complications with the relationships we wish we had with people can add so much uncertainty in the grief process. I had done a lot of processing and expected a different response for whatever reason--probably because I forgot that you can prepare all you want and that doesn't change the way the reality of the finality of death hit you. My dad had been in a nursing facility for the past 4 years and Kay as I've read your posts about your mom I have thought I kept about the right balance for me and I hope you are for you as well--it sounds like it and constantly checking in about that. He had dementia as a result of long term MS and being in the end stages of the disease. Some days he was back working and he often thought my mom lived at the facility as well. I needed to visit although I didn't think I would when I no longer "had" to in order to see my mom. I only visited two to three times per year, but I sent cards and called as well. I agree that my dad (as many abusers are) was a truly unhappy person deep down and I also believe he had an undiagnosed personality disorder. I certainly know that he had a difficult childhood himself. The last two weeks of his life I went through getting him set up on hospice and he went very fast. It had long been expected--he had been sick for years. It is true that I currently spend a lot of time thinking about the good times, the bad times and the in between--feeling many different feelings at the same time. I am glad that I was there with him to say goodbye and that he is no longer suffering. Despite the fact that he made the choices in life that alienated him from my sister, me and my mom I still found it important to approach him with compassion and make the visits and cards meaningful. Thanks again and I'm sure I'll continue to process.... Another note--as we all know, people tend to get strange about things when they are grieving (I was so upset about an email for work and it seemed so important at that moment--the next day I realized it was just that I was feeling so raw that everything was a bigger deal than it was)and I try to give them the benefit of the doubt. So although asking if one is in the will may seem inappropriate it likely comes from a place of did he really love me or I want something to prove he cared despite our estrangement. My family asked about the STUFF at the nursing home, and at first it was a bit weird to me, but I realized it was more about their need to process and less about THINGS. That isn't always the case, but I think it is often.

...and we had a difficult relationship. He was not a good dad to me and my sister. He was emotionally abusive to us and our mom for 40 years. I didn't know his death would hit me this hard. I am so sad and reliving so many memories. Additionally, there is the weird dichotomy because he was so nice to people that weren't family that most people don't get it and think he was such a great guy.

I have been reading your posts and note that I respect you very much and the fact that you keep trying to find the help that you need--keep at it. Have you contacted Catholic Charities in your area. I am not religious, however, they have licensed therapists in many areas that offer low cost and even free counseling to those that need it regardless of religious belief, social, etc... They are non-faith based counseling services from my understanding. Good luck!

Sometimes life is so very hard to deal with and grief over many loses can make that harder. There are still times that I really need to tell my grandpa something and it just makes my heart heavy. Try not to judge yourself by what you think others are going to judge you with! I have found counseling so very helpful to me when I was dealing with multiple difficulties and although there is that stigma of being "crazy" overall I was able to recognize that this is a tool that many people find very useful in dealing with the difficulties life throws at us. That situation with your jobs sounds HORRENDOUS! Good for you for standing up for yourself as hard as it is. Try to set it aside and not dwell on it except for when you are preparing or have to. Know that this board is full of helpful people! Hang in there.

I'm glad that writing this out helped you--keep at it there are many people here to listen and share with ... just knowing that there are others who are dealing with loss and do indeed still mourn past what others seem to think they "should" has been helpful to me. What I find is people are really uncomfortable with loss because it is too much reality for them and they would like to think that life just goes one and everyone is okay with that when it doesn't really work like that. For me finding ways to honor my loved ones that I've lost and integrate them in to my life as I get used to the new world I have to live in without them physically present is what I've been doing. Some days that works and other days I just cry and cry because I don't want to accept that this is the reality of the world that I now live in. One moment at a time. Peace

Your post really touched me--I am very sorry for your losses and have been very close to my grandparents as well. My grandpa died June 1, 2009 1 month before my grandparents 60th anniversary. Part of the process for me was letting myself feel really sad and cry, but I was/am still working so I have a routine -- in the beginning it was hard to keep going, but as time went on it gave me some normality in this new world without grandpa. I wonder if finding a volunteer activity that interests you might be a good start to making new connections with people and leaving yourself time and space to grieve?...

I'm not quite there, but my wife is going through peri-menopause and recently lost her father. She has shared that it is difficult to know which emotions are triggered or intensified by which thing. I wanted to let you know that I had read your post and I am sorry to hear how difficult this is for you and I have witnessed some of this for my wife. Thinking of you.

There aren't many words that will likely give you much comfort, but know that there are people thinking of you and sending you comforting energy. Thinking of you during this difficult, unthinkable situation.

If it was me I would probably think of him as gone for a coping mechanism and keep an eye on the paper online, because I would want to know. Grief can make people do and say horrible things to people they previously cared about. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this and can only encourage you to keep breathing and coming here to share your thoughts feelings.

My friend said to me that although people say it gets easier to him it gets "different" rather than "easier" like people say... I am sorry you have to deal with this!

I'm so sorry you have to deal with the insensitive jerks of the world like your manager. People are so ignorant and lack understanding too often. From reading your posts I know you have dealt with not only the insensitive comments but violent responses to your relationship and sexuality. I am always amazed by the kindness and thoughtfulness of your posts in addition to your growth of spirit that is evident. I am hoping that sharing someone else has noticed and been help will help ease your struggle as well. As you grieve your loss of your bike and search for new ways of clearing the cobwebs I'm sending you positive energy and hugs to support you in that search. Thinking of your today.