It is hard for me to describe this.
My mind gets blocked when I think about it, and my feelings have been cut off.
It started when I spoke with my mother in June. I live in US, and my parents and my sister in Russia. My mother said that my sister didn't come home, and there was a body found in the neighborhood. My mother said it was her, died of heroin overdose.
I was not there to see that for myself. I don't believe that it happened. I saw her photos from the funeral. She looked like she was sleeping, and I could wake her up. I didn't see any reason why she couldn't get up and continue being with us.
It has been several months, and nothing changes. She is not coming home. She didn't even say anything to me before it happened.
I no longer understand what is real and what is not. I don't understand the difference between life and death. No matter how much I think about it, I cannot figure it out. I don't know where she is now. I don't even understand if my sister ever existed, or she was just in my imagination.
Am I supposed to face something that I am not facing, or should I stay frozen? I cannot even look at her pictures. I wanted to buy a nice storage box to put her belongings and photo albums in it, but I started feeling like I was ready to faint and sick to my stomach. I didn't want to think that all that was left from her could fit into a little box.
I wanted to make a nice memorial scrapbook, but the moment I think about it, I become frozen again.
I don't know if any of this makes sense to anybody.
I don't know if it is good to stay numb or not. At least it is not painful. What should I do now?
It is hard for me to describe this. My mind gets blocked when I think about it, and my feelings have been cut off. It started when I spoke with my mother in June. I live in US, and my parents and my sister in Russia. My mother said that my sister didn't come home, and there was a body found in the neighborhood. My mother said it was her, died of heroin overdose. I was not there to see that for myself. I don't believe that it happened. I saw her photos from the funeral. She looked like she was sleeping, and I could wake her up. I didn't see any reason why she couldn't get up and continue being with us. It has been several months, and nothing changes. She is not coming home. She didn't even say anything to me before it happened. I no longer understand what is real and what is not. I don't understand the difference between life and death. No matter how much I think about it, I cannot figure it out. I don't know where she is now. I don't even understand if my sister ever existed, or she was just in my imagination. Am I supposed to face something that I am not facing, or should I stay frozen? I cannot even look at her pictures. I wanted to buy a nice storage box to put her belongings and photo albums in it, but I started feeling like I was ready to faint and sick to my stomach. I didn't want to think that all that was left from her could fit into a little box. I wanted to make a nice memorial scrapbook, but the moment I think about it, I become frozen again. I don't know if any of this makes sense to anybody. I don't know if it is good to stay numb or not. At least it is not painful. What should I do now?