JohnG

Lately I have been experiencing mood swings that bounce back and forth throughout the day and night. I can wake up in a decent mood, go out for a run, get ready and go to work all before 4am and then be reduced to a a terribly sad mood instantly from I don't know what cause. I've paid attention to diet, exercise, sleep habits, everything. What may work one night, morning or afternoon won't the next. I have analysed this and it's driving me mad. Why can't I get a hold on what is causing my highs and tap into that?!

Another one of those days where everything is gray. I'm just going through the motions so far today, I don't feel like doing anything. Conversation seems pointless, friends are welcome but I don't feel like I have the energy to deal with much. I seem to be floating around the edges of everything, not taking part, just here. It's all part of the grief process I know but it's such a hopeless feeling. It will pass, I needed to vent it, I guess. Take care all.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARSHA!!! PEACE & LOVE, JOHN

Kim, I feel the same about each and everyone of you on this site. Thank you and love all you guys!!!!

Hi Sue, I'm so sorry for your loss.We are all feeling your pain. You have found a good place and can say anything you need to here.We will help you get through any way we can. We are here for you. Peace & Love, John

laurieb, You are back with us and we're glad. Uninspiring post? You hurt! Anything we can do to help ease your pain is what we care about. Pour out whatever you need, we will all listen, support and love you all we can. Peace & Love. John

Dear Kim, I know how you feel.Everything in my house, every photo of Krystal, every place I remember seeing her standing or sitting, every aspect of the house that she designed, the exact spot where she took her own life, everything about this place brings me pain. Seven months later I have very few good memories and what I do have turns sad very quickly. I feel stuck in this grief. My therapist is encouraging in that she does see progress, but to me it feels like I'm chipping away microscopic pieces of Everest. I weep continuously, everywhere. I am sure that some day I will find peace and I'm sure you will too, how or when I don't know. We are all on a very long, terrible journey that we can get through with each others support. Please keep talking to us, let us know everything you feel and we will do everything we can to help you. Peace and love. John

As of late I have found myself feeling a great need for solitude. It's not a sitting around brooding, feeling sorry for myself, wallowing in my misery thing, it's a genuine desire to want to feel my emotions to their fullest good and bad.I review issues raised in counseling, feelings my family and friends have brought up and anything and everything to do with my my present reality. It really feels good to know that I can go through these feelings and survive. I find I have a bit more clarity about issues in my life past, present and future and I am certainly stronger. It's easy to understand wanting to feel the good ones but the bad ones?! They seem to help the most once felt, thought out and dealt with. These brief episodes don't solve or end my pain but they help get me a little closer to wherever I'm supposed to end up. This may contradict my lonliness and feeling of abandonment and I honestly can't explain why it's different, it just is. It's something I need. I don't want to be around anybody, it's not that they aren't needed but for this part of my grief journey I need to be alone.

I don't know if this is "irrational" but I got into my car and just drove and drove and drove until my mind was so numb with being tired that it took every bit of concentration on the road to get back home. Maybe not irrational but definitely irresponsible. In the intense grief and disbelief I was in who was thinking rationally?! Even now, 7 months later, I have to fight the urge to want to flee in that manner when the fear and panic begin to rise.

The grief suffered by those of us touched by suicide is something that can not be described. I'm left with so many unanswerable questions, what does a final note reading "I am sorry, I do love you" explain?! All of the professional explanations that I read and even comprehend and understand don't stop my emotions from continuing to feel lost and abandoned. The sudden loss haunts me constantly. She is in every part of this house and I find no joy in that. The good memories lead me right to the horrific fact that this woman who I shared these memories with and who was loved immensely, destroyed her own life. The sense of numbness and emptiness is a feeling that has left me shattered. I have so many wonderful people in my life but I sit and stare wondering what happened?! Therapy is helping but today and tonight I am lost. I'm rambling I know but that is one of the worst things about my grief. My mind is a constant storm of thoughts that never take shape but are formed just enough to create confusion, I want to voice these thoughts so badly yet when I try it is nothing but a convoluted mess. I'll continue to try though. Hopefully tonight in sleep I will find some escape from this horror with no answers.

Hi, Susie Q. Just this morning I awoke to a feeling of absolute gloom. I thought "what's going on here?! I've had two days of relative peace and happiness and now I'm back down again!". Your post this morning was a godsend, the good periods in my life are preceeded by episodes of absolute despair. I too notice that after these times of terrible pain I seem to gain strength from my 'meltdowns' and that they are not lasting quite as long. I'm able to bounce back, in tiny, almost imperceptible increments, a bit quicker and easier. So even though today started out dismally, with the help of your words I now "KNOW" it won't last forever and understanding this helps me get through this grief. Thank you so much for saving my day. Peace and Love. John

Over the weekend It became obvious to me how much of a victim I felt I had become. Almost everything that happens now whether it's the guilt from people telling me I shouldn't let it get me down to getting half way home and discovering soy milk was left out of my coffee, I feel bad, victimized. I don't want this! I am strong, I know this. I know I will come out the other end of this horrible journey, not the same but alive. How do we differentiate the sadness of normal grief from the reaction of feeling like "one more injustice" heaped upon us? I don't know if this really makes any sense, it's a feeling that was with me all weekend. I want to be sad but I don't want to feel like a victim.

Six days after Krystal died I was driving my parents back to the airport when it all of a sudden hit me that at 45 years old I was now a widower, a term I had always associated with much older men. I started laughing at the absurdity of that and when my Mom asked what was so funny I asked did you ever think your son would be referred to by that term. She sadly shook her head and said no, never. I use the term officially on forms just to avoid bureaucratic trouble but I don't really use it any other time, single is usually what I use which doesn't really bother me. I seem to have gotten past the still being married/wedding ring problem. It seemed natural to progress through that quickly.

It's 6 o'clock on a Sunday morning. My weekend so far has been a struggle to do normal things such as clean house, do the marketing etc..., all of which have taken herculean efforts to keep from just sitting down in the middle of what I'm doing and giving up. I've spoken to friends and family on the phone and I can't say that it's helped me at all, I don't know why they're words miss the mark. I've driven past bars on my way home and really wanted to go in and just sit and drink all night just to dull the lonliness and for the personal interaction but that's not me. I've sat in coffee shops staring over my coffee trying to come to grips with this pain. I've virtually run out of my coffee shop, church and the market because the tears well up and I know that the emotional anguish that will emerge is not something I can cope with publicly, not to mention that it's manifestation would horrify bystanders. Sleep has only come with the help of a sleep aid, but anytime I have been awake I am weeping inconsolably, choking on tears, screaming out to God to help me. I'm scared and lonely. Those around me don't help. I can only tell you, my dear friends here on this site, the agony I feel and know that you understand.I just had talk to somebody. Thanks.

I've read that some of you find great comfort in keeping a journal. I 've started one and written in it periodically but I can't seem to develope a relationship with it. It sounds like such a wonderful personal thing you have and I'm sure it could be of immense help to me. Any of you who can give me some advice, tips and/or techniques for developing this wonderful tool I will be eternally grateful to you. Love you all