Cheryl

I was very active on this site after my husband died in a motorcycle accident 7 years ago this August 25th. Fast forward now almost 7 years. I'm engaged to a wonderful man, my daughter is newly married and my son is leaving for college. I'm feeling so sad without any reason. I'm so blessed. A wonderful success story of hard work, perseverance, counseling and an awesome future. Yet today everything feels so hard. I miss my husband and the life we had planned. Yet I'm so happy to share a life with a man who adores me and I him. Maybe it's because he's traveling and I'm alone with my thoughts. No distractions. Even so I feel propelled to post here tonight. I hope I don't offend those who are in the throws of new grief. But tonight my grief feels so fresh and I hope someone may understand. I just miss him so much.

I just logged on for the first time in several months. I saw this post and realized it started with my post back in 2010. It has been almost four years since my husband died in a motorcycle accident and it has been a long journey, a transition, to become this new person. I am no longer sad all the time. I don't lie in bed tryng to figure out what to do next. I have healed in so many ways and my life is very happy once again. It took so much work. Even more than work it took perserverance. It felt painfuly slow in coming and most of the time I felt like I was failing the grief class. But over and over I kept trying new things. I went to new places, I met new friends and I just refused to think anything other than happiness would be possible. I have heard that time heals and I thought it was a load of crap. I was wrong. Time heals if you do something with the time to enable yourself to heal. I cried endless hours, days and months. I screamed about the same amount of time. I hid in the house behind the curtains unable to reach out to my friends and family for comfort. In time I forced myself to take those baby steps that carried into big steps and eventualy I was eager to be a part of the world again. It feels sooo GOOD to be alive. I am so lucky to have a second chance. I hope my words will bring someone hope and inspiration to keep moving forward. As a last thought I wanted to share that I have met a really neat man. He's completely different from my husband and it feels good to be a part of somones life again. I'm afraid in a whole new way. Afraid to take new steps as a couple but that's another topic. The whole dating thing has had it's challenges and is awful in my book but again perseverance at the game has lead me to someone a lot like me! take care, Cheryl

Melina, What a big decision. I know you don't take it lightly. What an adventure to undertake. The process of making changes is so scary and painful but the reward when you realize it's all about your own happiness is genuine. I wish you well as you begin the process. You should be proud of yourself for even thinking so big!

Just wanted to comment that I attended one of these Phx area support groups and found it very helpful. Most importantly it got me out of the house and I was with people who were in a similar place and understood my pain. It is very much nonpressure group. Highly recommended.

Deciding to be alone is making plans. I think the most important thing is to decide what you want to do and let your loved ones know. Then be prepared to make adjustments to your plans based on how you feel at the time. Grief is ever changing. I think your therapist would agree that what's important is not to pretend that everything will be okay or that you feel great when you don't. My first holiday's were much better than I anticipated. The days leading up to thanksgiving and christmas were horrific. On the actual days I did manage to be with family and friends for awhile and the distraction was beneficial. But I allowed myself a lot of alone time to just be sad. On both days I took either a long walk or bicycle ride to get my body moving and the positive energy flowing. Later in the day I curled up in a ball and rested and wept. Only you can determine what your soul needs. But thinking ahead so that you have some type of an idea of what you need is the best advice.

Melina I think you are hitting that point in time when you can't stand the whole crappy grief thing and need to start formulating a new lifestyle that you like! Feeling grief and just getting through each day is getting really old. You sound sick of it all and worn out from living pain. But what now? I'm sure the qustion screams at you all day long. It did with me. Been there. Stood in the front window looking out and was completely stumped. Paced the house. Walked around the block for the millionth time alone. What now? What now? It was worse than the crap I had already been through. Being sad all the time was a hell of a lot easier than trying to figure out a way to live a happy life again! Making any kind of uncomfortable change was not only difficult but horrifying. My twenty years with Mark were engrained. He was my life. It made absolutely no sense to me that I had to start over. But at some point you will be ready to take the step and try something, it will be uncomfortable. It will suck each time for a while but it gets easier. It's a part of our grief journey. It's your next sucky step. But after trying different things something or somethings should start to click and you begin to feel better doing some of them. The trick is finding somthing you enjoy or finding people you enjoy. And hopefully both! If you don't take the leap, or maybe its a baby step. you'll stay where you are at for a while longer. It might be another day, a week, a year. Maybe the rest of your life. Welcome to year three.

Melina I know how uncomfortable it is to do things without your mate. But the only way to not be lonely is to get out and do things and talk to people. Talking leads to conversations which lead to getting to know people and then on to friendships.I won't try to give suggestions. You need to come up with your own list. No matter how awful it is to start doing things alone it is the only way. People are not going to come to you. You have to go to them. What do people do in Noraway that is social?

Melina, Without exception each time I have read your posts I am shocked at how much your thoughts have mirrored my own. Out of all the people posting here I often think that you are walking a similar road as me. I tend to only post when I get a handle on things and want to let others know not to give up. You seem able to use this board as a way to shed your grief and reach out for help. If I bear my soul prior to figuring somthing out I feel like a big fat failure. Which is ridiculous. Thankyou for being able to let us know what you are struggling with in the midst of the struggle. It really does help knowing others are going through somthing similar. My husband died on August 25th, three years ago next saturday. I don't think anyone is in pain anymore but me. Even my kids seemed to have gotten over it. I am greatful that I have made a lot of headway but still feel shocked that this is my life. By the way my daughter is still at PLU and dating a nice Norweigen boy named Arvid. cheryl

Marty, Thanks for posting the link to your article on guilt. As you can tell by my notes I copied a lot from that article and posted it on my bulletin board. After many, many months I still review it often! It made a big impact on my thought process.

Melina, I have felt a lot of guilt. My therapist gave me several exercises to do that really helped me shed some of the guilt. Marty also posted an article on guilt back in 2011 around new years on Open to Hope. Maybe she can dig it up for everyone. Here is what I copied down: Write a letter to your loved one and list the things you are sorry for and regret. Let it all spill out. Ask your loved one to forgive you. But do it in writing. Review your letter whenever you feel really guilty and read it outload. (this really helped me!!) When you think about all the should haves, could haves and if onlys. Stop and tell yourself that the past is something you can do absolutely nothing about. It's how you live and behave now. Remind yourself that you did not know your loved one was going to die or you would have done things different. Now that you understand the guilt and horror associated with death you will live your life in a different way and you will treat those in your life with a better understanding. Channel your guilt into a worthwhile project. Volunteer somewhere just once. It will make you feel good about yourself. Understand the difference between guilt and regret. Guilt is the normal response that we somehow failed in our duties and obligations. It creates feelings of shame, inadequacy, insecurity, unworthiness and self judgement. Regret is the feeling of sadness that results when things don't turn out the way we had hoped. Guilt makes us feel we are at fault and regret is a reflection that we are human. As humans we are limited in our capacities, there is only so much we can do and a lot of things are beyond our control or have consequences we can not foresee. We need to forgive ourselves for not knowing what we know now. Write a letter from your husband to you. Write down the things you know he would say to you about your relationship, write down the painful things too. Would he forgive you for the things you didn't do? Would he forgive your shortcomings? Write down those words from him to you and read the letter back to yourself.(really helped me move on!) Melina I think guilt is part of the grieving process. We need to get the guilty feelings out where we can examine them and deal with them in order to get over those feelings. You are on the right track. I don't think you are any more/less farther behind than I felt at two years! The whole process just plain sucks and wears you out. Hang in there. cheryl

The month of August begins the death march for me. It will be the three year anniversary of Mark's passing on the 25th. As each day passes I'm finding my thoughts drifting back over the past three years and all the changes. It's like a silent march leading up to that dreadful day. My emotions seem to be both up and down. The pain surfacing unexpectedly when I'm alone and the house is quiet. Of course I still miss that old life. The past four months have been very nice with a great guy entering into it and making the pain much more bearable. It's amazing how as humans we can love again. I think the best part of falling in love as a widow is that you know how precious love is and how fragile life is. I know that at any moment it can all be taken away. Yet the soul longs to feel loved and the body yearns to be held. To have the opportunity to connect a second time in life is indeed a gift. I watch as my children mature and become confident. Birds ready to fly from the nest but wings not strong enough to sustain flight. I struggle as there mom to make all the right decisons and be both mother and father. Knowing that these teen age years are hard enough and fearing the scars their father's death have left behind. But we all push on and we all adapt and we all are fighting for happiness. Each day is an opportunity to live. For the newly widowed these opportunities are just surviving the pain. Life can feel so far away and empty. I remember watching the world move around me unable to engage or even comprehend the passage of time. Just one blurry day after another. Please understand that this too will change. Life continues on and at some point most widows/widowers find meaning and strength from their loss. You begin to realize that death has made you stronger and a better person. It becomes an opportunity to change and evolve into something better. My goal is to be happier with myself than I was before Mark died. I am close to reaching that goal. My dream is to feel once again the security and happiness that a soul mate can bring. So as I travel through the month of August I try to understand the lessons my grief carries with it. I truly believe that each painful part of our life can bring a positive reward. My prayer is for perseverence and relief from all our painful moments. Cheryl

My husband would have turned fifty two months after his death. My kids and I gathered with his family and had one of his favorite meals. I dont remember much. I was still in the grief fog. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this very rough day. I think the best thing you can do is allow yourself to feel the sadness and the pain rather than ignore it. Sometimes lying in bed and crying all day is nessesary. Try to remember that no matter what you are feeling it is only temporary. Each emotion, each painful thought runs its course and is part of the healing process.

I've used meetup as a way to volunteer. What's nice is that there is no on going commitment. You click on the calendar and see what's going on and do the activities you want. You can also cancel really easily which was often as a new widow. A lot of people think it is only for singles and is a dating site. It's not! You can join a group for women only or moms only or families ect....If you want a singles club I guess they have those as well. What's nice is its geared towards interests. I have worked at the food bamk, homeless shelter, teen center, medical packing house. I also found a grief support group for young widows/widowers through meetup. All just a click away. It is nation wide source for getting like minded people together.

One of the things that became very apparent to me when I was thinking about dating again was where would I ever meet anyone? Obviously online was an option but way too scary for me as a starting out option. I thought I might be willing to cross that bridge at some point but not right out the gate. My counselor was the one who suggested that I start by filling my time with activities I enjoyed and let nature take its course. My first response was, "I dont enjoy dong anything without my husband!" She pointed out that I wasn't always married and there must have been activities I did as a single person. I made a list from my twenties. Gym, hiking, volunteer work, church, parties (attending and hosting), shopping, dog walking, music at the coffee shop ect... She then dared me to start doing some of them alone and to step out of my comfort zone and talk to people. She helped me set activity goals and then followed up to see if I had followed through. It was horrifying in the begining. Cried at the start and end of each activity. Talking to strangers, even small talk with women was very hard for me. But I gradually started to get comfortable talking to people I didn't know. It was a slow process in the begining. New women friends invited me to go see a movie with them. Church members asked me to help run a booth. Someone at a coffe shop said they like my dress. At the gym I began to make small talk about the new equipment. It all led to more self confidence and less time alone. I ended up meeting my someone at my own home. A couple I had known for years brought a house guest to my daughters going off to college party. We were introduced briefly and had very little contact at the party. I was very busy playing hostess to all my daughters friends. But he remembered me and 6 months later asked about me through my friends. I invited him back to my house for another social event while my daughter was home for spring break. We had a lot more time to talk and get to know each other. I must say I felt like a twenty year old again. First date jitters a couple days later. It's been four months and we are still dating and there may be a future here! Either way I intend to keep volunteering every other week. Going to the gym three times a week and church on sundays. I'm going to meet with my widows support group once a month to catch up and compare notes. It's become evident that I need to maintain my independence so I don't slip back into my old habit of hiding in the house. This new life is still very fragile. With or without dating I feel scared, vulnerable and anxious. I miss my old life and the security of a spouse. But that life is over and whether I like it or not I am forced to live in the now. Blessing and strength to us all, Cheryl

Dating is not the answer for gettiing over grief. Most grief counselors will caution the bereaved to wait until the pain has deminished and you are in a place to rejoin the world. We all know that during the thickest blackest days of grief we are not good companions! For me I know that I could not date solely out of loneliness. I needed to be at a place where I was capable of giving again. The timing is different for everyone. It took my 2 1/2 years before I felt ready. I can say that dating has been the best part of my healing process. But it is the culmination of alot of prior work. The one thing that upset me the most was when people would tell me, "Mark would want you to be happy again." or "You shouldn't feel guilty". Dating wasn't about guilt or doing what Mark would want for me! It was about being capable of being apart of something very special again. The only way to get to that point is to allow yourself to grieve what you have lost. Get the pain out and get to a spot where your loss has turned into growth and strength. And you don;t have to date in order to be apart of the world again. Infact I feel that the best way to meet anyone is to just live your life and let it happen organicaly. It's amazing how the law of attraction works. People pickup on your strengths if you are living life to the fullest on your own and by yourself. Who wants a needy sad widow/widower anyways!