Alden

Valley, I could relate so well to your remembrance of meeting Tom. I met Susan when she was 20 and I was 24, and although I had dated quite a bit, the relationships were just as you described; fun, but not terribly deep. When I met her, everything changed in an instant and we soared together for 20 years. Things fell I lost her not to death, but to mental illness. It has been 7 years and I still pine for that amazing person who I could totally be myself with. I have dated here and there, but no one seems to compare with Susan. But we never know what life may bring us and who it may place in our paths. Neither of us will ever have the connection that we had with our spouses, but perhaps we can have a new connection, different, and wonderful in it's own right. There is always hope. Alden

Thanks to all of you for your insights and stories. I am in my 7th year of grief over my ex, but lost my best friend and my sweet mom two years ago, so things are all jumbled into one big wad of grief. So I have known these sensations for a long time, and have had that "on the edge of coping" sensation for a long time. I feel like I should be pulling out of it all, but I just don't. The tears still flow hard. One day at a time here. Alden

I think it is a very personal choice, and also depends on where you are at in the process. Obviously, in the case of viewing a body, the choice has to be made at that time. But when it comes to visiting places you can wait until another time, when you feel a bit stronger. I think it is probably best to err on the side of flight, than fight. Think of the case of a child whose parent has died. Seeing the body might very well leave lasting traumatic memories, and not be a healing experience. When my mother died two years ago, my brother and I chose to say goodbye to her at the wake, my father and sister did not. It was a personal choice, and I doubt whether that choice has greatly influenced where we are in our grieving. Maybe the best thing is to simply not err to far to either side. I don't think it would be good to constantly immerse oneself in traumatic and sad reminders. Likewise, total avoidance of anything to do with grief/trauma events is not good either. Play it somewhere in the middle, that would be my advice. Alden

Yes, I have Ted. Just not an angle that the courts will take on. And someone with MPD is an expert at being who they need to be at the moment, so when the time would come for an evaluation, they would look just fine. She has never hurt the kids physically, but does more mini abandoning things, leaving them alone, not preparing dinner, those kinds of things, which were simply never enough to make a case for full custody. The kids are older now and these things are not so much of an issue. Thanks for asking, Alden

Marty, thanks for your response and reassurance. When they strike and seem unrelated to my loss, it leaves me feeling as though I simply cannot cope. (and believe me, they strike a lot). Alden

When he was 74, Mark Twain lost his adult daughter to epilepsy while at home with her. His essay "The Death Of Jean" is a very poignant account of what the 24 hours after her death were like, his feelings, perceptions, thoughts on life and reflections on the many losses this great man endured. He lost his wife at age 60, and three of his four children died before him. I think as we go through our own griefs it is helpful to know that many people that we have perceived as "having it all" have gone through huge losses. If you are interested in reading The Death of Jean you can find it here. Alden

Since losing my wife I have been experiencing what I call and "aching" sentimentality. If I see one of my kids' old toys lying in the basement, I can tear up thinking about how fast they are growing up. Watching my 87 year old father wave goodbye to me as I drive away will send me into a puddle of tears. A Christmas ornament from my childhood home gets me going. And as I look to the future I well up thinking about the losses to come. MY oldest will leave for college in the fall and I feel like I cannot face another person "leaving me". But somehow I will. I suspect I'm not alone in this sentimentality but am curious what others experience and who can relate to this phenomenon of being sentimental about things that are not directly linked to the person we lost. One of the things I find most helpful in facing grief is the sharing of experiences, helping me know that I'm not out here alone with "my stuff". Thanks to anyone who can comment on this topic. Alden

hi, Freddy Lea. I'm so sorry about your loss. I lost my mom two years ago and I know that lost feeling very well. I also have periods where I feel terrified that she is not in the world, even though I am 50 years old, can take care of myself just fine, there's is something primal about losing one's mother. I think it touches all of our most basic fears to lose a parent. Who will take care of us if things get truly rough? And it is also very scary to start to feel one's own mortality. The world has taken on a much more serious, harsher tone since I lost my mom, and I doubt that it will return to the lighter, happier place that I knew. I think that is just part of life. I think in time, the pain will diminish, but there will always be a hole. As time goes by, I wonder if we just learn to live with more holes in our hearts. Perhaps. If you can find a grief group around, it can be a big help just to hear what others are going through and have support, much like this site offers. Alden

I am new here, and it is a few months since this post began, but thought I would add some of my odd behaviors. (by the way, I lost my wife to mental illness). For the first two years after she left I could not get to sleep before 4 or 5 am. I tried for a while, but the grief would overwhelm me, so I finally gave up. I would do anything to "distract myself" late into the night; crosswords, TV, surf the net. I found that I was calmest and most centered at night and I didn't want to give that time up. So I would stay up later and later until I would just collapse into bed. I'd be up two hours later, deal with the kids and get them off to school, then sleep some more. My strange routine. I have one friend who, after losing her husband to cancer, would get her kids off to school, then sleep all day, setting the alarm until it was time to get them at the bus. Then she would shift into mom-mode, do dinner, spend time with them, and after they were in bed she would watch TV all night. She was forced to take two yours off of her career because of being so incapacitated by her grief. We find strange, but perhaps effective ways to cope. I still have my grief, many years later, but I can now get to sleep at a reasonable time without having thoughts consume me. Alden

Thanks, KayC. Yours is an interesting analogy to my situation. She was having multiple affairs, then coming home and being a wife and mom, but even at home there was a lot of switching of personalities. Like you, I could never hate her and in fact still feel intense love for the person who is gone. That is my grief, love her and miss her like crazy. one of the difficulties for me now, is that I have to constantly see her due to our custody arrangement. It's a hard thing. Seven years now and I stlll grieve hard. Alden

I read an article at this site that said before we can grieve a person, we have to let go of the anger we feel towards them. This would seem to make getting over a divorce particularly challenging. In my case, I was happily married for many years but my wife developed multiple personality disorder. Suddenly our lives were plunged into chaos. In addition to frightening changes in personality throughout the day, she also became paranoid delusional and hallucinatory. Ultimately she left me, believing that I too was "out to get her". That was seven years ago and I still feel completely devastated by losing her and by the very scary events that led up to and followed the divorce. In the midst of the divorce, she did horrible things to my children and I (never dangerous or violent, but nasty and hateful). I have struggled all this time to come to terms with the anger that I feel. While I know rationally that she was/is ill, emotionally I still feel the anger from the hurt and destruction that she caused. I simply don't know how to get rid of that anger, and have tried numerous approaches in therapy. Meanwhie, I fell hopelessly in love with the "old her" and pine for her constantly. Her MPD has led her to become a very different person, one who barely recalls who I am to her, so there is no hope of ever reuniting. So I slog along, seven years now in nearly constant pain, feeling lost and having no idea how to heal, or even incorporate this into my life. Does anyone have any insight as to how they handled anger in their divorce, whether they felt they could grieve and deal with anger at the same time, or did it have to be separately? Complicating things further is the fact that we share custody of our kids and she continues to do hurtful and upsetting things to the kids and myself, which furthers my anger. But I know a lot of divorced people who deal similarly with ongoing anger towards their ex. How do we negotiate these tricky waters? Alden