Daughter2010

Kay, I am so sorry for your loss. My deep condolences to you. I am truly touched to see the beauty in your words referring to your mom. Being able to see her for who she really is , is a blessing to you and everyone else who was able to experience that first hand. The greatest lesson of all for everyone of us is to be able to understand the power of love. The time you spent with her these last couple of years allowed you to see that. Love and forgiveness. By the way, I loved that comment about your mom saying "That's not the right word but it'll do!" Life is so complex and yet so simple too. Letting go of the bad and keeping the good allows us to move forward and heal, live and love. Big Hug to you! -L

KayC and Marty, Thank you both so much for those words of wisdom!! I will meditate and reflect on your advise. I have many thoughts and ideas of what I would like to do but like everything, it requires exploring and time for ideas to mature. In my moment of crisis I felt like a rug was pulled from under me and I didn't know what foundation remained there metaphorically speaking. Thank you so much again! -L

I have been trying to make sense of things for the last 4 years. I don't know where to begin. My dad passed away 4 and 1/2 yrs ago to cancer. He was 58 yrs old. I'm the oldest of my siblings. We are trying to move on and continue with life or trying to at least. Decisions decisions, so many decisions. Each one of us are coping differently, trying to move forward. Life is meant to be enjoyed, to be lived to the fullest, and I feel broken, so broken. I'm overwhelmed with what the future will bring. Business decisions, family decisions, career decisions, love decisions. Sometimes I think, ,my dad would know what to do. How did he manage to move forward after losing his parents at such an early age? As I write these words, I don't know what tomorrow will bring, or the day after. I have always been a rational thinker and I cant come up with the right way to go about the decisions I will need to make sooner or later. Do you ever feel lost? I need to have that sense of direction and I don't have it now. Thinking about making these decisions makes me anxious, its a situation I haven't experienced before. All I can do right now is cry, and write. The thing with decisions is I want to make the right one, and trying to make everyone happy in the process. This is the first time I feel like this. Lost. Where do I begin? I know each situation is unique, but I was wondering how have you dealt with situations that cause so much anxiety? Thanks, -L

Hello, It will be 4 years tomorrow since my dad passed away. It still hurts that he is not here. I miss him so much. My grief is not fresh and raw as year 1, but is there. I know Dad is ok. Some people say there will be a time when you can smile instead of crying when remembering your loved ones that passed. I haven't gotten there yet. I don't know when I will get there. That's life, you cant change it. His passing changed my life. I am not the same inside. I wonder what last 4 years would have been like if he were still here. He would be 62 years old now. This is a rememberance to my Dad, the best dad I could ever ask for. I love him, I miss him, he will always be in my heart and mind. You are not here physically but you will always be in our hearts until its time for us to go too. Love you soo much Daddy. A big hug for you wherever you are. -L

Hello Niamh, Its been a long while! I think it must be some kind of cycle. I've been feeling the same way lately. Looking back, these 3 and 1/2 years really seem like a blur. Where has my life gone? I wonder. I've been busy keeping one foot in front of the other, being there for my family, and facing situations and problems I had never come across before. In many of those situations I find myself thinking my dad would have been of great help and that keeps reminding me he is not here and oh well, getting those SUG waves (Sudden Unexpected Grief I think its called) and find myself crying and really wondering about the future, my family's future and mine. I am sorry you have been through a lot. Thank God your mom is doing ok. I think all of the grief for your dad resurfaces when facing difficult times, at least that happens to me. It is part of being human and dealing with those feelings of loss. Let me tell you, I'm sure your dad is very proud of you for taking care of your mom the way you have. Like I told someone else on this forum, life doesn't come with a manual of instructions, we just learn to deal with situations as they come along. This is one of them, you are doing great in dealing with the entire situation. However, don't forget to take care of yourself. If you are not ok, you can't be 100% helpful to others. I keep being reminded of that, so I just wanted to tell you I am glad you are seeing a counselor that will help you sort through all those emotions and life experiences to move forward. You are doing great with how you've handled what life has thrown in front of you. Be gentle with yourself, we all go through rough patches and they are part of life. Continue to reach out, it will be a positive experience for you :-) Good to see you again. Hugs, -L

Yup, you are not the only one. My father passed away almost 4 years ago and still to this day I struggle with life without him. Now that I look back, I feel like all these 3 1/2 yrs have been a blur, placing one foot in front of the other trying to make it through the day. I have been there for my family, my mom, my brothers, and trying to take charge of situations that I feel at times my father would have been very helpful had he still been here. Life definitely doesn't come with a manual, life just happens. I know I cant change the events, it is what it is, its just at times I have a hard time accepting and facing the challenges in front of me. However, I also know that hiding under my bed will not help me. I encourage you to seek professional help, you are not only dealing with your mom's loss but also with the emotional stress from what happened with your siblings, can feel at times like too high of a burden to handle. I want to tell you that you are not alone, we all struggle in one way or another but we need to continue to move forward, make an effort to find some brightness in our day. For me, I still can't look at photos of my father without sobbing inconsolably. There are only a couple I have gotten used to seeing but I also know my father lives on, and the memories of him reside in my heart, and I will always love him. Love never dies, I know he is ok. It is me who is still struggling to move forward with my life and reassessing what I want and what my future looks like. Do not despair, keep pressing ahead. Joy can be found in the simplest of things, if you are willing to look. It is hard to know what to do when your loved one, your rock is no longer physically with you, but we must reach inside us and move forward. Look for a positive change in your life, I think it will help you move forward, and I assure you, your mom would want you to be happy and live a fulfilling life. And Be gentle with yourself, you have gone under a life changing event, take it one day, one hour, one minute, one moment at a time. Hugs, -L

Hello fellow members, My father passed away back in 2009 and this will be year 3 of my grief and my new reality. I have learned many things and have learned to understand others in similar situations a lot more. This experience is so personal that when you hear about others going through similar trials it brings you back to where you were with your love one before he/she passed. My grief is not as raw as in the beginning but it is still there. In my heart, inside me, in my mind, my soul. My father was/is and will be the backbone of our family. I still can't believe he is no longer in earth. At times I have difficulty understanding why he is not here. He passed away from Cancer, after being so healthy his entire life. I struggle to understand it.I accept it but I still have difficulty adapting to my new reality because I miss him so much, I wish I could have spent many more moments with him in these three years. My father was only 58 years old. There are times that I cry inconsolably because there is nothing I can do to change my reality. I know I need to adapt to it and I try, I really try. I also know I am not the first nor the last one to lose her father but even knowing that doesn't make it any easier on me. My father is such an inspiration and I simply wonder why he was taken so soon. I miss him dearly. I have tried to put one foot in front of the other and will continue to do so, but at the same time my heart aches for my father. I don't know when I will look at his passing in a new way. I have heard others say the day will come when you can remember your loved one and smile without feeling pain. I will not force anything, things will simply come when they should. This life is certainly very short, and every minute of it must be lived fully. My life is forever changed and I am still trying to figure out how to move forward, how to envision my future without my father in it, physically present. I am not saying this do discourage others in their grief process because everyone is different. This simply describes what I am experiencing and feeling. Is there a lesson to be learned when a loved one passes away? I have learned many things about grief, but for me my father's death happened way too soon or so I think, maybe that is why I am struggling to adapt. All I know is that I remember my father every day, I miss him dearly, and he is in my thoughts and I wish I still had more time to show him how much he means to me. One thing I know, love never dies. Thanks for listening, -L

Hello All, Niamh, jodo, Angel,Kavish, thank you for the feedback. It gives me the assurance that I am not the only one feeling this way. I guess it is part of the grief journey. I have been extremely busy the past week that I didn't get a chance to reply sooner. I have realized that even though my Dad is not physically here, I can look up to his legacy, I can always go back to seeing how he lived and led his life through different situations and it shows me how I can handle this or that. Sure, I would love to get a hug from him, a smile, a glimpse of him. But I also know he is very much alive in a different dimension that I can't go to just yet, and while it is my turn to do that, I can find him in my heart. I can see what he would say or do. He is not gone. He is with me. It is the physical contact that I yearn, but can't do much about that. Every time I think of him, I remember him as if he were with me, it is comforting in the sense that my father is not gone or vanished. He remains with me , in my heart and mind. He set the example, and that remains with me. My dad watches over me. I guess when we go through times and trials in life, we feel vulnerable, we yearn for that contact, we yearn to physically interact with our loved ones. I still hope I can see my dad in dreams again, just like that one time I saw him a week after he passed away. When I go back, and look at my dad's life, he lost his parents early in his life, in his early 20s. I think he was 21 at the time and he managed to keep going. When I think of him I smile but I also cry a bit. I guess it's normal. He pursued his dreams, he was able to do what he liked and had many happy days on earth, so for that I am grateful because he lived life to the fullest. I am also grateful for finding this site, because I can express how I feel without feeling judged. I am grateful for each and everyone of you. I know the grief journey is unique for each of us, but we can also relate to one another in what we feel. Of all the changes that we must go through in life, this is the major one and I think we all are slowly but surely adjusting to our new situation. We don't like it, but we are slowly adjusting. Remember I didn't say forgetting our loved ones, because they will ALWAYS be with us. A big hug to everyone of you, have a good day and a great week. XOXO -L

I have already tried to start a post here, to express how I feel but some how end up hitting the backspace button to delete my words. I don't know if this happens to some of you or not. I feel like 2.5 years after my Dad's passing, the pain of the loss is in my heart and at times I feel as if I didn't want to be reminded of it. At times I have looked at some postings here and find myself closing the browser because it will remind me of whom I lost. At the same time, I feel this is the place where I have been blessed enough to have people who care, or at least understand what I am going through. The place where I can say the same things over and over and people will not get tired of it. I still remember the afternoon we buried my father. I still remember the pain of knowing my 58 yr old father passed away. I still remember the pain of his sickness. I still remember the times he fought so hard to get better. I still remember his laugh, his eyes, his hugs, his love for the family. Why does the veil of death have to separate us? Living with loss...I am try to keep going, everyday. I would love to be able to hug my father right now. I miss him so much. Why can't I see him in my dreams? why hasn't he visited? I know he is at peace, he is ok,and we will reunite again, in due time. However, there are times that I wish I had him here for advice, guidance, to tell him how much I love him. But that simply won't happen. Life is different with him not physically present. It is painful to remember he is gone. I feel a bit of anger. I want to help my family to move ahead, but we seem to come across things or obstacles that seem to not take us in direction intended. Dad not being here feels wrong. I know, probably wrong in my mind, at this time. I know we are all visitors on this earth. One day we will leave too. It just seems just when we start getting attached to this place, we end up having to leave, but when we look into it, it is the people we love we don't want to leave behind. I know this post sucks, but it is shows what I am feeling. If I tell this to my friends, they would think I really need to "get over it" but I am saying this to you guys,and I thank you for listening to me. I so wish I can see my father in dreams, so at least I can get a glimpse of him. Anybody else feel this way at this time in your grief journey? Thanks, -L

Hi Niamh, Its been a while since I saw you post last. It's been a while for me too. I have been reading posts in the past couple of months. Not much to write. I wanted to say thank you for sharing that beautiful eulogy with us.I cannot agree more with what everyone else is saying. You definitely carry on with your father's legacy. He sure is proud of you. The last few days have been tough. I miss my dad too, so much and yes I am not the same, Christmas doesn't feel the same with him not here. I can't help but to go back in time and remember the times when he was in the hospital. I know my dad got to experience so much in life, so many good moments, but in the middle of grief is hard to remember that. I also wanted to say you have a big heart and whether you realize it or not, you carry your dad's legacy. It's almost like it is in your DNA and it is just surfacing. Thank you for sharing those photographs with us, those are there to remind us of the good moments spent with our loved ones, and those will remain with us forever, until our time to join them comes. In times like this is when I would like to be able to see my dad in dreams, I miss his hugs and words of encouragement. There are times where I wonder if I am moving forward in the right direction, and his advice would help a lot. Anyhow, thank you for being you Niamh. Your words of support mean so much not just to me but to many people in this forum. We need to carry on, and when we are down we need to be reminded they are with us in many ways. Have a blessed day. Hugs, -L

Spika, My dad passed away from stomach cancer two years ago. I often find myself remembering that last week with him. Me being far away, receiving call from my mom saying doctors gave out any hope and that the cancer had spread to his intestines, hence making it more difficult to treat because he had lost so much weight. There are times I wonder if the doctors did not tell us the whole story because a month before that my father appeared to be ok, but had trouble with food circulating. In that last month, he lost so much weight, everything he would eat would either go right through him or come back out. 8 months prior to that he had his stomach removed and a part of me thinks something just didn't seal right after surgery, or the doctors missed something they could have spotted. There are many questions but also the weeks after my dad passed, mom, my brothers and I decided any investigation on the matter wouldn't bring him back,it would be more draining for us and would make the grieving process more difficult. On the other hand, I know the doctors did all they could to get him well during treatment, it is just that I get the feeling that something was missed. Again, that is not going to bring my father back, things happen the way they did and know I just have to adapt to this change. It has been 2 years and I grieve for my dad, I have a hard time expressing all that I felt during that last week with him. Seeing him cling to life, we didn't tell him what the doctors said, my father wanted to get well. How would you tell someone that? We didn't have the heart for it. However, deep down my father knew his time was near, and it was hard to see him trying to be strong for us and seeing life was coming out of him day after day. That is why it's hard for me to relate what went on. Even at one point during that week, when my dad and I were alone, dad said he wanted to get better and would seek treatment somewhere else if there was not much to do in the hospital, but also told me that his time was near and to take care of mom. How do you respond to that? I supported him in his desire to get better and promised him that if anything happened to him I would take care of mom. All of the emotions felts those times have remained inside me. I talk about them with my family from time to time, except that moment dad and I shared which is meant to be kept as a conversation between he and I. I can't believe it will be two years tomorrow and yes if you ask me, cancer does affect people including their personality. My father at times seemed to be on the other side than here. I know angels were waiting for him to assist him to the other side. He presented the signs of looking up to the ceiling as if staring at something out there. He passed away after we told him it was ok to go, that everything would be ok. Lately, I haven't experienced the raw emotions grief brings, I guess now those emotions have settled and reality kicks in, this is the second year,and there will be a third, fourth and so on. Going through this experience with my father and seeing other cancer patients in that hospital showed me how fragile life is and what many emotions and situations a human being can experience through that sickness. Spika, a big hug for you, be gentle with yourself, these things happen and we don't have all the answers to life. Do what feels right for you. If you feel the need to vent, please feel free to drop a line. Hang in there, -L

Dear HAP, I hear your pain. Losing my father to cancer made me wonder about how so much funding that goes to breast cancer, but I hardly ever hear about fund raising to support the fight for other forms of cancer. Cancer can hit anyone at any time, any moment. What I see as opportunity to learn from Steve Jobs is his desire and passion for innovation and looking for the next thing. A true sense of vision can take anyone far down the road. Steve loved what he did, he had a passion for it. We have a passion for something, we should look into it and add fuel to the idea. Grieving the loss of someone close to us, makes us even more aware of the fact that tomorrow is promised for no one. Living a life that matters, is important. It is a good reminder that every minute, every second of our lives matters, lets make it count. -L

All I have to say is, what I liked about this place when I joined is the non-judgmental approach. The fact that I was able to get responses of people in the same boat as I was, was comforting to me. This forum is seen by many, as a place of refuge, you can find solace, and it somehow has helped us to get through the storms of life and the storms of grief. I certainly understand people’s eagerness to share what works for them, and that is perfectly fine, but keeping in mind that each one of us is different, our grief is unique and each one of us, at our own pace need to find the best way to move forward, however that may be. I as a Christian will always attempt to the best of my ability to not point fingers or be judgmental toward others, because that is not my place. I know I am not perfect, but I also know if there is one thing we all need is to feel loved, appreciated and be kind to each other. The love I have received from God, I try to give to others. Isn’t that our command? Love thy neighbor as yourself. I don’t say this in a preachy way, I just bring this up, so that we all can take a deep breath and remember what makes this forum special: the love and non-judgmental approach. People need to know they are welcome. We all have grieved; we have that in common with one another. We are in no place to judge others or come up with conclusions without knowing all the facts. Let’s get back to basics and keep moving on our grief journey. A hug for every one of you. We are in this club none of us chose to join, but here we are, going day by day and trying to understand the changes we go through because of grief. Grief has taught me to be more understanding and compassionate of others who have suffered a loss. In that respect, let’s keep on doing that, new and old members here are in need of being understood. At least, I felt understood when I couldn’t make sense of what I was feeling. Let’s all take a deep breath and move past this. Much love, -L

Di, After reading all the replies I hope you reconsider your decision to leave the forum. I do not post often in this section as I lost my father, but I read threads from time to time. I have been here for almost 2 years, if there is one thing I've seen in this forum is that people are non-judgmental. Sure, each one of us have our own beliefs and that is fine. The reason we all came here was to understand how to cope with the loss of a loved one, to vent and express how we feel, what we go through each day. It is also true that because we are typing words and not talking to each other, statements can be misunderstood and it can lead to what just happened here. A simple misunderstanding. I hope you haven't felt judged or out of place here. We come from all walks of life and our common ground is that we are human and that we lost a loved one. Misunderstandings can be dealt with easily, with communication. I believe that's what each one of us is doing here. The grief journey is a tough one especially when you are surrounded by people who haven't dealt with a loss or that are not understanding of other one's feelings. Ultimately, you can choose to do what feels right for you, but I definately encourage you to meditate on all of our replies, to think about your own grief journey and reconsider your decision. If you decide to leave, that is ok , I wish you the best, hope that little by little, day by day you get to a place in your life where you know that even though your dear husband passed away, you are able look forward to the days and years to come. I am sure that's what your husband would have wanted for you. That comes with time and with healing. If you decide to stay, please know that you are welcome here (so is everyone else), feel free to drop us line. It is really comforting to know there are people out there dealing with similar situations so we don't feel so alone in our journey. I would give you a real hug if I could, but in the mean time I am sending you a big big e-hug! I hope to see you here again Best wishes, -L

Just wanted to say grief hits everyone differently.There is this guy at my job who lost his wife two weeks ago and I can clearly see he is trying to bury his grief. He has been going to happy hour get togethers and in my mind I think....he lost his wife to breast cancer, here he is trying to party.....clearly trying to bury his grief. It's been 2 years since my father passed away and I am not the same. The world expects you to get back on your feet and be who you were, but you are not. I simply don't understand. Grief is a long journey. Sometimes I think....do I really need to find myself? Who I am I now? Losing a wife or husband is different than losing a father but it doesn't change the fact that it means losing loved one....... How do people do it? I just needed to vent. You guys understand, you have been through it. Thanks, -L