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Vickie O

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  • Posts

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About Vickie O

  • Birthday 01/28/1955

Previous Fields

  • Date of Death
    8/6/07
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Baptist Hospital

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Phoenix, AZ
  • Interests
    Hiking, music, animals...esp large Dogs & reading.
  1. Unreal..I'm so glad its my day off so I can mourn in peace. No one seems to remember..except vaguely it was this time of year he died. Pat grins happily at me from the posters in my office & Jesus looks seriously at me from the opposite wall. I feel an urgent need to start packing up the Suburban & loading our dogs to go the cabin..& then I realize our dogs are all dead, so is Pat, the cabin was sold & the Suburban, too. Me & Kitty the last Survivor's. The air conditioning moans endlessly..how can this happen in 5 years? We should be going to the Cabin but we are not. It is no more. In the mean time life goes on. I have managed to hang onto my house, & got a job after the Real Estate Market crashed selling Furniture. I've hung on through True Grit..endless frugality & a need to survive. It has been 2 1/2 years since I had a vacation. I have taken 9 days off for sanity at the end of August. I'm at the end of my rope. If my boss had not approved my vacation request I was ready to say go blow yourself & walk out. I work on mostly comission & it is so very slow in the summer. I have to fight for every Sale.I'm so tired..no health insurance & I will receive the Huge Sum of $250 for 5 days off..but I'm beyond caring. If I don't get out of here I will die. I have to see some pine trees & breathe some unsmog laden air..the brown cloud never ends I have to go & be by a creek or lake & see the stars or I fear I will go insane. I have pushed myself too hard..exhausted. The heat is relentless this time of year..113 tomorrow. 90 in the mornin. I feel blessed by my love for Pat & also tormented. I cannot forget the last words he said to me in the Hospice "ambulance' a mini van in August its so Hot! I was riding in the back of this minivan that took the the long way to Baptist Hospital..holding on to the Gurney & fanning him..Its so Hot. He fell in the street on July 30th & laid on the blistering concrete concrete for an hour before I heard his screams..the damn air conditioner running getting the newspaper. Pat never came home after the fall. May the Lord bless him & keep him..he is in God's hands. As I am. I am content that I knew him & loved him..& I miss him so much. Vickie O'Neil
  2. I simply can't handle another Christmas. I put our last dog to sleep in August, We lost the lease on our Main Store thatI worked atin July..The Kitty has stayed on & it's been Hell on Wheels . My vision went dead.in July.Cataracts in both eyes!I was driving a long ways to work...legally blind..trying to get my eyes fixed. No Insurance..of course, & unwilling to ask for help..although I had plenty of advice. I broke out in shingles on KAYC'S birthday..it was a major Upset...I just plain freaked out...October 6th My brother was in town..& I was too blind to drive & meet my sister & him for dinner! It was night..a storm came in. I broke out in these nasty Ugly Shingles..itching like crazy..blisters across my back, armpit & breast. I was at work..not that far from where my brother was.I just knew I couldn't drive there at night & make it back home I had 2 Dr's appointments the next week,,another Eye Surgeon & the MD for the Shingle's. Remind me never to get so upset again! The cataract cost $4,200. Cash.& there is one more to be done. In the mean time we opened the New Store & its a short drive...Thank You Heavenly Father. My Mom is paying for the 2nd operation..Pat's life Insurance policy paid for the 1st.I can drive again..well kinda sorta.I got on the freeway recently. Vision will be better when the next eye is fixed. I sold a bunch of furniture this month, too! Yay!!
  3. Dear Teny, It is all a big change...it will be 4 years for me on Aug. 8th. You are so right about things changing, & not being the same person. How can you possibly be the same person when half of you is Missing? I'd liken it to an amputee trying to learn to use an artificial limb. We make baby steps sometimes, fall down, cry, pick our selves up & try again.Each person is different...& Teny, you are not far away, you are a brave widow, a wonderful artist, & Lianny loved you!
  4. Oh Little Jeannie, she had so much heart. A campfire girl That loved a good fire, & her husband, & her Kids. I hope the Boys remember their Mom. I hope you keep singing! Love Vickie
  5. I'm here, & my life with out Pat has changed drastically...but I've survived...over 3 1/2 years!The main thing was getting a job...I was out of work so long. I can also manage Christmas this year...on a greatly reduced scale...but that is all relative.To what you Used to Do...as a couple...with 2 incomes. Christmas Eve at work today, was quite hunbling..cards & gifts from people...& I did not buy one gift for the people I work with. I gave out a few cards...& I received big hugs! Gosh I almost got a hug from my Boss...very Scary! I really wanted that Hug, too, Ken reminds me of my Dad..& I just wanted to hug his big belly. I had the nicest hugs from my warehouse nen, too. A big hug from Steve..sll sweaty...with a big belly. Male, sweaty smelling hugs. Quite Frankly...not to mention my deceased Dad's name...but Frank would be Proud of me...for hanging on. To my szanity, my house, & my life. Pat would be proud, too, he'd say little one , I love you. Those 2 Major Men in my life...know what ...their little one is made of. & I know they stand beside me...if not in this world..but in the next.one. I think the warehouse guys get it, & the office people get it...that I'm widowed..& struggling to make the Mortgage Paymnt..on one income. Less income. I hope the little boy that I adopted for Christmas loved his new jeans & shirt that I bought him for Christmas. We brought from South Dakota to Phoenis,,,a can of Hominy, that was Symbolic. We were Never so Broke that we had to eat.it. My Dad told me a Story of how he had lived on bread & peanmut butter when he got to Phoebnix.Mom & Dad had 6 Ki. So Merry Christmas ...Girl's & Boy's..Maybe you don't need tlo compare yourself to others..or on the Grief Books
  6. Dear Teny, It is the 4th Christmas for me alone...& the economy is crashing in the US & Arizona. I find my self hanging on...grateful for my job, & the fact that I've managed to hang on to my house. Every day is a blessing...I have a roof over my head & my old dog & my kitty. I've simply refused to compare myself with others this Christmas...I'm broke...but I'm not poor! The ladies I work with are poor...complaining of the facts that husband doesn't fix stuff...& I had to buy a new Christmas tree...& I just think how Lucky they are to have a husband! 2 Incomes! I bought a few things for our adopted fanily at work...brand new stuff for a Boy named Freedom...as I looked at my work shoes...they were new 8 months ago...& I have worn them every day for 8 months! The poor women I work with are showing me their newest pair of boots...UGG boots...& telling me they have to go to Kohl's & spend their Christmas cash! The more you shop...the mre you save! My shoes will serve me well...& my gift for Freedom, too. I keep in mind the widow's mite
  7. Deborah, Sorry this is late, I just read your post. I'm sure Larry is holding & hugging you Tight in his new spirit body..he is with you every single day. I know that there is a Silver Cord that binds the hearts & souls of those that have loved much...the Cord tugs on me in my mind during the day, & when I'm sleeping...not every day. I'm not sure why or when that it comes...I only know it is there & recognize it. Its a Tug on my Heart Strings. Love, Vickie
  8. The aloneness is quite shattering at times. But being with others can also be difficult, even family & friends. I went to a get together a month ago at my cousins home, & they are 10 years older than me, & I felt like a fish out of water, everyone was paired up with husbands, my 72 year old Mom, my sister, my cousins with their good looking husbands. I listened to the talk about Grand Kids, family, retirement, .I tried so hard to be involved in the moment, but I just felt empty. My cousin hostess offered me a drink & my other cousin poured a drink & we escaped to the patio & the sunset. A breath of fresh air, from admiring the decorating. Maybe Jeri saw the strain on my face. I talked briefly about Pat & felt the tears welling up. Not a fun time, but at least I had the opportunity to say what was in my heart, & my cousin listened, & I was grateful.
  9. Deborah, Walt, & Marion a belated Happy Birthday to you all! I must share this silly story about my Pat, 1 year he forgot my birthdate, & the next day made up for it with flowers, & a card & dinner out. He made a silly joke out of it, for the next 3 Months on the 28th of the Month he presented more flowers & more cards on the exact date...pretending he'd forgotten the month! God Love the Irish, I sure miss my baby. Vickie O'Neil
  10. Dear Wendy, I already wrote to you personally, & I don't want to beat my drum & drown you out, but as I re read your post it brought to my mind...again, the importance of being an Organ Donor. As you know my Pat died waiting for a Liver that never arrived...he was called twice & both times the organs were not good. We walked the Organ Recipient Balance Beam. Thousands of lives are saved & healed each year, maybe not our loved ones,but others. So grief healing visitors, we can't bring our mates back, but this a very positive thing we can offer & do. DONATE LIFE!!! Vickie O'Neil
  11. Suzanne, I don't believe that Prayer's are ever wasted, they have an uplifting influence on the Human Race... as long as they are for good, & not evil...it works both ways. I know Prayer's are not always answered as well. Sometimes God refuses our requests,& we are knocked out, God WHHY!!! Suzanne, this is an age old philosphical question, As for me, I shall continue to pray. On the other hand those that say its in God's hands only...what is Praying? An uplifting of the Human Race through Spirit!
  12. I took our 2 dogs last night at dark on the Mountain Preserve to this little secluded box canyon where my husband & I always hiked. Our dogs ran & chased coyotes, & ground squirrels, when they were tired, I sat down to pray. I was thinking & praying about my deceased Dad, & my deceased Husband, & suddenly the mountain air was full of that familiar scent, they both wore...Old Spice. It lasted for 4 seconds. Might be a sign that Dad & Pat heard my prayers. Might be a sign I need to be hauled off to the Loony Bin. I should have added this earlier....in the day I realized I had broken a window in my house threw a rock thru a window with the lawn mower, & just wishing I could call them & tell me how to fix it.
  13. Dear Closs, My heart goes out to you! It is normal to have anxiety attacks, & feel your heart racing, & panic.I won't share our sad story with you...just a few thoughts.., I know Pat, my husband, loved me, & Vs VS. I will never forget him & his goodness & our compatibility, no one will ever replace him. No one will ever replace my Dad, either. Love is Love...it never ends. Closs, I still wear my Dad's jacket's & an undershirt I've kept for 13 years. I still have pain in my heart over the unecessary deaths of my 2 Men that I loved best! I often feel unprotected, they were my shields. I have not died from this pain in my heart, & perhaps it has made me stronger. 2 1/2 years since my husband died. I went through stages, shock, roboticness, anger, & I included God in that matter of anger, & finally got to the point of some kind of acceptance. I made it Closs, & you will, too! Love from Phoenix
  14. Suzanne, I'm so sorry for your husbands death. I know how difficult it is to keep the brave front & the prayers & all the balls in the air during an illness. I know how devastating it is when the end happens, & the Dr's were not right. Mistakes were made in the "practicing" of medicine. I know how Pat & I felt, we had become like highly trained dogs, jumping through constant hoops & tests bearing the flag of hope in our hearts. I recall the afternoon Pat was in the hospital, & the Dr. said his body was not strong enough to handle a new medicine they wanted to administer. The next day they gave him the medicine & I had a call at work saying he had flatlined. I rushed to the hospital & Pat was alive, & awake & just told me had nearly died. That medicine may have been the reason that he went down so fast a month later. Fell in the street getting the newspaper & laid on the hot pavement in July in Phoenix, Until I heard him screaming. Back to the Dr's & he had no blood pressure...suddenly they were putting him through more heart tests, said he was diabetic, & on & on. Pat never made it out of ICU, he was disqualified for an organ donation. One wonderful day the Dr's walked in & asked Pat if he was in pain, & he said yes, & they gave him pain meds. The hospice talk was held, & he was moved to Palliative care at Baptist Hospital. I rode in the minivan Hospice sent with no AC in the back & his last words were "its so Hot" At hospice they knocked him out with heavy duty morphine & they finally decreased it daily claiming he would be in pain, selfish on my part but I wanted to say goodbye, & I love you. The Hospice nurses kept bringing in trays of food, I never did understand that. I was very angry & still am about Pat's death, & the way family members acted....like bringing the kids to hospice? My husband's brother came 1 time, his sisterinlaw not once & his Dad not once. My family showed up, Mom & a sister, but the constant praying & reading of cheery books just wore me down, I am grateful they were there for me. You know sitting there almost drove me insane. Watching the last urine drip out of the catheter, & Hospice's Irish Chaplain that said Prayer's & the whole thing was simply anathema to me. Pat & I had promised one another many years back that we would use the silver bullet, a gunshot to the head, but I was not brave enough or strong enough to do that
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