niamh

Oh thank you all so so so much for the lovely replies. As usual if even 1 person is "helped" or encouraged by this I'm glad. I've no doubt we all have thought at some point "I am the exception". Kay thank you so very much, made me smile a lot to hear this made your night. Yep pretty sure my Dad is up there thinking "YEAAHH that's my daughter,never doubted her for a second" :-). Love & thanks as ALWAYS! Niamh <3

Hi lovemydad, I am so very sorry for you losing your darling Dad. I lost mine suddenly too on 17th Dec 2009...still feels like only recently. I wish there were words of comfort but I don't think there are....all I can say is that I can relate to what you are going through and feeling. I was 34 and my Dad was only 65....a very young 65 at that. I also witnessed CPR being done in the hospital....they were at it 20mins before my Mom and I were brought in so he was gone already by then. And all he was in for was a simple kidney stone. Honestly I have struggled so much to barely exist the last 4 years which sounds like a long time but It doesn't feel that long. I started grief counselling last summer....better late than never. I refused for years no matter who suggested it....I figured NOBODY could "help" me or "fix" me,nobody could bring my Dad back Which was all I wanted and needed. But things became too much last summer, I had no clue why I was falling apart because I had spent 4 yrs talking about my feelings, never hiding my grief. My very first session was mind blowing.....we discovered that I had blocked out my Dad completely & every part of me that was like him (which is 99% of me actually we are so alike). Also discovered that I was completely traumatised from witnessing the CPR. In telling friends after the session it turned out that none of them ever knew I saw that. I had not forgotten myself but although I spoke about everything else that happened in the hospital that night I never ever spoke of the CPR. It's been a long road for me but I feel I have come out the other side. Right none maybe none of this makes sense to you (it never did for me reading other people's experience....I always thought I am the exception,I will never ever really "live" again)....and it's ok to feel like that. Everything happens on YOUR TIME, this is YOUR grief and nobody else's. My only "advice" for you is to be kind and gentle with yourself....do what you need for YOU for the moment.....your entire heart,life,mind,body & soul have been turned upside down and inside out. This site and everyone here have been a life saver for me because everyone just "gets it" & nobody here judges or has any expectations that someone "moves on" etc and all those stupid terms. So keep sharing here there are so many who can relate. We all have our individual stories and feelings and no 2 people on this earth grieve the same way....but we can relate to many different aspects for sure. So as alone as you feel right now I promise you are NOT. Sending you so much love, my heart truly goes out to you hun, (((HUGS))) Niamh

Hi All, It's been a while & much had changed. I continued counselling until oct when unfortunately my counsellor went on long term sick leave. I tried 2 more after that which was pretty disastrous unfortunately. However I also started sessions with someone who does kinesiology/craneology/EFT (emotional freedom technique). Well it turned out quite well and I broke through quite a large wall. The process works more on the subconscious layer and it was astonishing. Long story short through the sessions I discovered that subconsciously I was feeling guilty,feeling that I should have/could have done more and my Dad would still be here (never consciously thought this). It made so much sense to me that "this" along with the trauma prevented me from "living". I ended up travelling to USA in Oct for 3 week vacation & some serious downtime for me alone. I faced things there I never thought I would. I went to New York on my own for 3 days,did everything my Dad and I used to do there and I never felt an ounce of loneliness there,I genuinely enjoyed every minute....I felt so close to my Dad there,it was always "our place". Much of what I did for the 3 weeks I had done before with my Dad and this time did it all alone. It certainly boosted my confidence and it was great to be able to truly enjoy life again. I continued my alternative sessions when I came home, anxiety was something that hit me very hard from summer-December but it finally subsided. For the first time in 4 years I went out with friend and went to parties in the run up to Christmas....I shopped for gifts,strolling around the city and again actually enjoyed it all. I even went to my work party on 20th dec,3 days after my Dads anniversary....to say this was a big step is beyond an understatement. I put up the tree and spent time with my Mom decorating it and having a few drinks while doing so....a treasured memory. Christmas Eve& Day were still hard and I can't say I enjoyed them, the sting was still there very much so and I was glad to see the back of them. New Years was also extremely tough...I never liked it and since Dad it's way harder. Had a bad panic attack but it all subsided and I made it through. I've also taken up yoga since Oct and am doing it more and more.....the mental benefits again from this amaze me....the "exercise" benefit is just a bonus for me....how its changed my inner thinking and mindset is the real gift for me. I still miss my Dad more than ever....I still don't really reminisce out loud ....maybe in time who knows. I still have moments where he is the only one I want to share something with,he's the only one I want advice from....but at the same time I know he's got to be there helping me through this. These are days and times I never ever thought I would see again,it seemed beyond impossible but I've found some sort of peace. So that's me for now & long may it continue and grow from strength to strength. Much love as always to you all as I will be forever grateful for the compassion patience and kindness from you all, Niamh <3

(((big hugs))) Deb, I find it hard to believe I'm now into my 5th year without my Dad....it's like the last 4 years flew by in minutes! Yep I hear you on sometimes missing your Mom even more, Much love to you, Niamh Xo

thanks again Kay. Yeah it's difficult which is the "right" way, to be with someone or not in that moment and the circumstances surrounding it. I know often people who have known they are going to lose someone say they couldn't deal with my situation but then I often think I couldn't deal with watching someone slowly lose their life. So I guess we each just have to deal with the way it happened for us. I'm very sorry to hear you also experienced insensitivity from the hospital, I think there will always be something "wrong" with the manner in which we lose a loved one because it's not something "good" for anyone. thanks a million for your encouragement too, I haven't found my own lot of full optimism yet but I guess it's there somewhere and hopefully will come out in due time. ((hugs)) and much peace to you as always, Niamh x

thanks as always Marty, this grief journey never ceases to surprise me that's for sure. I hope someday I'll be posting a happy story on here about my life, xo

thanks so very much Anne, I appreciate your encouragement, I certainly think a miracle is needed for me and hope that I will get there in time.

hi Aquarius7, my friend in grief, We've shared much over the last few years, so many similar feelings. I am so so very sorry that you feel depressed and so alone in the world. I can totally relate to that feeling. I've wished so often I could just go be with my Dad, wished to be able to fast forward life. I feel like I am stuck in a cage, I want to run from life. The insecurity I feel really annoys me, that was not me before but I worry about people in my life abandoning me. I feel like my Dad "let me down" when he passed away, although I know it "wasn't his fault", it was the first time EVER that he let me down and what a way to "do it", just leave me alone so early in my life. I also lost my relationship with my first cousin who was always like a sister to me. We don't talk, hang out anymore and I know eventually that's something I need to work on too. Who knows how long all this will take, nothing is happening quickly for me. I am now going for counselling and I hope you can read my other post sharing that story. I am sorry the hospice is not returning your calls and that the lady you were seeing has stopped calling, that's not right to me. I'm very slow to suggest or recommend to anyone what do to but I just hope that you can reach out, look for options for talking to someone. Perhaps you haven't met the right person yet, perhaps the time wasn't right before. I can honestly sit here and write that as much as I tried rebuilding my life, I've also had some great fun times the last few years but there's always been something missing, always an emptiness that never goes away. Now I am aware of what has actually happened to me, why my thinking is the way it is and it's all thanks to going for counselling. I have a way to go yet. I don't know what more to say, I just so understand where you are coming from. Complicated grief is certainly me, I never thought I was "stuck" before recently. so sending you hugs and peace and hope too that you can reach out and can work on getting YOU back. Niamh

Hi All, I wanted to share the latest in my grief journey, if it helps even 1 person then that is good enough for me. Long story short I lost my beloved Dad suddenly 17th Dec 2009 and my entire world crashed down. I lost my spirit, I lost myself and have hated every waking moment of life since. I carried on doing the best I could but reality is life has been on pause/stopped mode. Life has not had any meaning for me since and many's a night I've spent wishing I simply could go be with my Dad. Friends and family have suggested counselling to me on and off over the last 3.5 years and I refused all the time. I didn't want to "talk to a stranger", what would they know about my closeness with my Dad, words cannot describe our relationship. So I refused over and over and over right up to only 2 months ago was still refusing and "arguing" my side. About 5 weeks ago something changed, I don't know what, I just felt like I could no longer cope with anything. So for 24hrs I toyed with looking for a counsellor. 24 hrs later one evening after work I was in such a horrible state I went looking again and found a centre 10mins from where I live that were open until 9pm. Out I went not having a clue "why" or "what" I was going for but I just needed to talk to someone. Their policy is within 24 hrs you would see someone, no delays. I asked if there was anyone available that evening and there was so I had my first session. I've had 5 since and continue to go once a week. What came out of even the very first 2 sessions shocked me a lot.Through simply listening to my story I was asked: If I thought maybe I have blocked my Dad out completely did I feel like I buried my spirit with him did I feel like I buried every part of myself that was like my Dad (which is probably 90% of me we are so alike) All I could do was nod in tears, each of those words made perfect sense to me. I also realised this was something I could absolutely never have uncovered on my own. Believe me I have done my share of research and reading on grief the last few years but nothing close to this ever ever came to my mind. I was told it's all under there somewhere just buried deep under "complicated grief and trauma" & it will be painful to bring it out but I will get there. Here's the next part that truly blew me away. 2 weeks ago I explained what happened the night I lost my Dad. Spoke about being called into the hospital at 3.20am & being asked immediately if he had. DNR (do not resuscitate) because they were 20mins doing CPR. Please bear with me as I share this. I panicked telling them "keep going he doesn't have a DNR". The hospital immediately began telling my Mom & I that he couldn't have been in a better place (THE ER) when he went Into cardiac arrest because they found him immediately when he fell in the bathroom....something was so so rotten about how defensive they were while I sat agitated wanting to know where the hell was my Dad and what was happening and wanted to tell them SHUT UP about defending the hospital. We were then asked if we wanted to go see him...YES OF COURSE. But I think reality began to set in, I fell to my knees as we walked down to the ward, over 20mins of CPR ....how could my Dad be brought back as the same person without brain damage, it was too late now?? In we went to witness a doctor performing CPR. I grabbed my Dad's hand which was almost cold, no defibrillator to be seen, no heart monitors, machines....NOTHING but a bed in the middle of the floor....again something was off. I held his hand so tight screaming for him to come back to me. After about 5 mins a nurse had to tell the doctor to stop CPR and they called time of death. This is what you see in the movies, not reality, not my life. I fell over onto my Dads tummy and started screaming. I literally felt something leave my body in that moment....my spirit, gone. A nurse proceeded to tell me to be quiet as there were other patients asleep. Seriously????? My Dad did not get a minutes sleep in the 2 nights because of police and drunken people in and out all night. Yet I WAS being told keep quiet! I then ran to the bathroom and started throwing up, this was it, the moment in life I dreaded since death became a reality to me. I never ever wanted to lose my Dad, thought he would live to be 90, walk me down the aisle, be the most super Grandad in the world......but it was not meant to be. That was the night my worst nightmare came through. My counsellor was horrified we witnessed this, we should NOT have been taken in there while that was going on. So this is the trauma that has "caught me" and needs to be worked on,talked out over and over until "it loses its grip on me". Even now writing this I feel my heart racing, I feel the tears, a little panic. Here's where I am once again stunned. I shared the "issue of the trauma of seeing CPR" with some friends. Well by last Monday I came to learn that with 4 of my closest friends, who have been there thoughout and with whom I have spent many long hours talking about my grief, this was the first time any of them knew what I had seen. They all recall me talking about that night in the hospital but yet I never mentioned the CPR to them. Honestly I felt like I was losing my mind hearing this. I recall talking over and over about that night, I could have sworn I spoke of ever part of it but apparently not so. Somehow I highly doubt 4 of my closest friends could forget something like that. So although its always been in my mind, I didn't fully block it out but I never ever spoke of it. I guess it all bubbled over finally after 3.5 years and needed to come out. So now the extra hard work begins in terms of dealing with this. I feel like I am back in the place I was 3.5 years.....I am so anxious all the time, trying not to force anything. I'm getting sick a lot. I try positive thinking but it's not working for me .....YET. Life scares me still and I want myself back, I want my life back and I really hope I will get there. I'm trying everything to relax, relaxation music, iphone apps for relaxing, breathing,visualisation but to be honest I'm struggling and most of the time it's not working. So if anyone has any extra ideas I'd appreciate it. (Exercise is not for me btw :-) ) So that's where I'm at now and wanted to share especially for anyone who is like me when it comes to the hesitation of going to a grief counsellor, just so you get an idea of the type of thing that comes from it. Much love hugs and thanks as always to everyone here. The support had always and continues to be amazing here. Niamh Xo

Hi Daughter2010, It's so great to hear from you, thanks so much as always for your never ending support. Yeah my Mom is doing even better now again than last time, a day I really wasnt sure would come so its an almighty relief. Oh how I wonder too where my life has gone. I feel like there's a tiny part of my finally wanting something back again as hard as it is but I guess it has to be a good thing. Thanks so much for all your encouragement. Although I haven't doubts at times about my Dad "still being with me", I think underneath it all he has to be somehow helping me through. The counselling has been such an eye opener it has truly stunned me. I will share it in a separate post actually for anyone to see. I have certainly been one of the most "stubborn" for want of a better word when it came to going to see one. Lots of love hugs and thanks to you & as always wishing you much peace and hoping we all find as happy a place as we can in life again, Niamh Xoxo

thanks as always for your kind words Marty, <3

hi gusdet, I am so sorry for the loss of your friend's Dad and the pain she is going through. Your posts remind me very very much of what my friends have been through and possibly continue to go through with me. I lost my Dad suddenly 3.5 years ago (you will see A LOT) of posts on here from me. Withdrawing is something I did VERY much the first 2 years, came out a little after that. Time and time again people mentioned counselling to me but I was never open to it. I wrote a lot on here and it helped me hugely just talking to others who "get it". But like your friend I refused to talk to a counsellor and eventually most stopped saying it to me. I needed to deal with everything my way , in my time. I think they only thing you can really do for your friend is be there when she reaches out, DO NOT give up on her. If she withdraws, let her withdraw but maintain some contact whether it's email, text, voicemails just letting her know you are thinking of her and are there to listen. That meant the world to me at the time. Those real true friends never gave up on me, they pushed through but they also let me pull back when I needed without taking it personally or taking offence and deciding to cut me off. There is absolutely no time frame on any of this unfortunately, each person will deal with their grief so differently. one of the main things I truly respected and appreciated was my friends not suggesting anything to me, while I know they wanted to they bit their tongues because it was too much for me to have people "trying to fix me". Although I totally understood it was coming from a place of love, nobody knew or knows exactly what I was and am going through so I just needed them to listen, be there and NOT GIVE UP on me. While you might actually feel like you are helpless and can't do anything to "help", the fact is you are looking into grief and how to help, and you are there for her. Helping someone doesn't always actually mean you have to do something active with an actual result on her part. This is a situation that nobody on this earth can actually "fix" because nobody can bring back her Dad & I would think that's about all she wants right now. The only suggestion I would make to her is to have a look at some grief forums such as there, it's easy and safe and one can come here when they want in their own time, write when they want, stay away when they want, or simply just read and see what others are going through. It's taken me 3.5 years but I finally did actually go to a grief counsellor 10 days ago and I have had 2 sessions & plan to continue once a week. But I had to do this in my own time when I wanted not on anyone else's schedule. It's certainly been an eye opener for me and believe me I read everything there was to read on grief, loss etc. But going to the counsellor has definitely raised some things that I was NEVER aware of and most likely could not have discovered on my own. However I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason and I was most likely NOT READY for it the last 3.5 years. So hang tough with your friend and just be there for her. please feel free to ask me anything, I feel I can very much relate to what you describe what your friend is going through. And remember you really are helping by what you are already doing although it doesn't feel like it to you. Wishing you all the best Niamh

thanks again so very much Kay for taking the time for me, I really appreciate it. I haven't yet seen or spoken to him, maybe I'm afraid right now I feel so fragile I will just cry and get very upset in front of him. I go to my second session tonight so will speak to her about it. I would give anything to just have my old life back with my Dad. oh Kay that is very worrying with your sister, I am sorry to hear that. Is there anything that can be done to "help" if caught early, sorry I'm pretty ignorant on that. I am kind of looking forward to the session tonight. They do use this CBT method which I'm a bit wary of because it seems to focus on "here's the problem" now let's work to resolve it but I feel like I'm so all over the place I can't pinpoint any one single problem. But I definitely plan on giving it time. much love hugs and peace to you Kay, Niamh x

hi Anne, thank you so much for your lovely message. I am very sorry for the loss of you husband. My parents were married 39 years, never made it to their 40th. Thank you too for your beautiful words about my eulogy, still surprises me that I managed to actually do it but it's something I will treasure for the rest of my life. I have definitely buried a lot in the last 10 months, prior to that I talked very regularly about things. I do appreciate your prayers and hugs, much needed that's for sure. hi Kay, thank you too as always for your very kind words. I haven't talked to my friend yet about the distance I am feeling. I feel very confused myself not being able to differentiate between me being needy and sensing something is off. We used to talk 7 days a week,now just about once a week and I am scared I will come across as needy & insecure and push him away further as you say. I feel like I would feel better if I knew things were ok with him but that also makes me feel too dependent on him to feel ok. I'm just a big broken mess ! I am very sorry to hear about your Mom, I do recall when it was starting a while back. Wow, you also have it so very tough ((hugs)) to you. I can't even imagine how hard all that is. Well I did take another step on Wed night and went and spoke with a grief counsellor. I feel like I'm right back where I was 3.5 yrs ago. I'm going to give it a go and see so I go back again Tuesday and plan to go once a week for now. She did mention complicated grief which was probably no surprise to me really. I guess as much as I thought I was dealing with things, maybe there are parts that I am completely unaware of and just cannot deal with on my own. thank you both again so much for the loving support. Niamh x

Hello and love to all here, those who remember me and to those who I don't yet know, I'm sorry you've become part of this "Club". I know I haven’t been here in quite some time. Life has thrown me to the wolves the last year. Long story short my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer last October, had a mastectomy 2 weeks later so was cancer free THANKFULLY after it but still had to go through preventative chemo which started in December. She had 4 sessions from Dec to March and was hospitalised each time with severe reactions & was also hospitalised couple of others times during it ……pretty much all chemo related. She spent 2 full weeks of Christmas in hospital and had very bad breathing problems and was told she had onset of COPD & had to get oxygen at home to take 16 hrs a day. However that was not the case as we finally realised after chemo was finished, it was all because of the chemo. I had to take her to the ER so many times this year, had to call an ambulance one night at 3 am, panic is an understatement. I have no words for the nightmare it’s been, I'm not a fan of hospitals after losing my Dad there.thankfully it was a different hospital my Mom was treated in. She is doing much better now, still on a secondary treatment until November. But it has all really taken it’s toll on me being the only person responsible for her & doing all this without my Dad. Thankfully I became friends with a guy living next door to me in January and he was an unbelievable support to me. He is so understanding of grief and loss and just really helped me through. We became the best of friends and I got very used to him being there all the time. He gave me a sense of security that I lost after losing my Dad. In recent weeks he’s become distant and I am really struggling with my own insecurity now again since. I feel like the last 10 months I just had to bottle up everything about missing my Dad because I had to keep my sanity to look after my Mom………..I guess adrenalin kept me going. Now that it’s all calmed down with my Mom, not having had my Dad around for it all is really hitting me again. I feel so lost and alone, friends are being so so good and supportive but it’s this constant male contact and support that I got used to and now I feel somewhat deserted yet again. I’m so weary from everything that is being thrown at me. I have new challenges in work that I am trying not to worry about, I’m sure it will be fine but it’s like all the confidence I regained over the last couple of years is disappearing again. I don’t like the insecurity I get, it’s not who I am, I hate the neediness I feel and I don’t know how to handle it. This guy is the only male who I really felt has been there for me fully this year (family included!!!!!) but I’m not his “responsibility” at the end of the day. I hate that I got so dependent on him, being around him made me happy which was something I never thought I would even comprehend again not to mind actually be. I think I know deep down he's not really going to "leave", we've become so close and I've also helped him through a lot. But i can't get rid of my fear or insecurity now. The summer is hard too, my Mom has been down missing my Dad. We’ve been having a heatwave and they would have been out driving, having picnics so so much. Some of her close friends are also off on holidays with their husbands pretty much till the end of August. So it’s hurts seeing her on her own in the summer evenings. She’s “ok”, probably better than I am but it still stings me. Maybe I just need time to process all that has happened as it happened so fast. Maybe it’s only now it’s all fully hitting me and I am totally over sensitive, over thinking everything, I just don’t know. I just feel so lost. I've had 2 friends mention counselling again to me, it's at the back of my mind alright so I don't know. I can't seem to take the next step. Maybe I feel too broken & nothing can really fix anything, I don't know. (((hugs))) to all, Niamh x