Aquarius7

I am SO sorry! Losing both parents leaves us with a feeling of being all alone in the world. It has been 3 years for me and I miss them both more than ever. I don't feel I am doing much better. It is indeed the feeling of thinking they are going to come back and this is all temporary. Well, we WILL meet again one day! I am so sorry!

Well, I don't know if my story is archived or not. I lost my Mom in June of 2010. It was lung cancer and a horrible ordeal. She was my best friend of my entire life and knew me like nobody else ever. I am single but in a relationship (which has not been the same since my Mom passed away). I lived in her house and contributed and have a job. It was a big house and we had our space. My siblings and I had a big falling out after she passed away. They evicted me and wanted to sell the house. It was not quite paid off. I could not afford to buy them out. I begged them to not sell it and to possibly go in on it with me so I could still live there and they could have a place to stay when they are in town. But no. They sold it for a ridiculously low price, just to get rid of it. There is still bad blood. They are trying to reach out to me and I am now reciprocating reluctantly. Anyway, I now live in a small one bedroom apartment with my loving dog, who my Mom also loved dearly. I have a LOT to be thankful for and a lot is good. I am trying to rebuild my life and have had some great times that have been healing in the past 3 years. However, for the last few months I have been not wanting to get out of bed in the morning, having crying spells at any given time of the day or night and even suicidal thoughts (though I would not carry them out). I just feel sad every morning when I wake up and don't want to do anything. I am so depressed about the life I used to have and everywhere I go, there is a memory of the life that WAS! I feel so alone in the world other than my sweet and loving dog and feel such a feeling of abandonment. My dreams at night are telling me this too. I can't seem to find any help anywhere or anyone who wants to listen. The place who did hospice for my Mom has not been answered my calls in 2 years and I think my counseling sessions are over, as far as being free, which it seems they were for about 6 months. They don't send me any mailings anymore and have not answered my calls. The lady who I was seeing never calls me to see how I am doing anymore. I feel they abandoned me too. It has been 3 years and I feel I am NOT doing better. I feel trapped at times in this place and just want my old house back and a feeling of familiarity! I just feel I am not doing better and feel so alone. I cry a lot and just miss my Mom and Dad more than ever. Thanks for reading.

Thank you Marty! I too have had dreams about my Mom and Dad. And my Grandmother. Once, I saw my Dad in his favorite backyard chair. I was shocked! I said, "Daddy! What are you doing here! I thought you were dead!" He laughed his unique laugh and said, "No my boy! I am here!" Another time I saw him lying in his bed where he loved to lay down and read. I said "Daddy! I am so sorry! I am sorry!" and was crying. He hugged me and said, "It's alright my boy, It's alright!" I said, "I love you Daddy!" (something I never told him in his life). He replied, "I love you to my boy." I was crying my eyes out a few hours ago thinking about him. It has been 18 years! Does it EVER get better?

I am so sorry. I agree with what others have said. You need to get healthy and away from the negative influences. Don't rely on people to make you happy!

Hi ShanN, What can I say? You are in my prayers and thoughts. Know that your Mama and Nana are RIGHT THERE with you! I cannot say I am sorry enough! Any of us who have lost our Mom partly understand where you are coming from. Your story makes those of us who did have our Mom's into adulthood even more grateful. It is never easy no matter what. My Mom was my best friend from the day I was born. My life will never, ever be the same! In my prayers and thoughts!

I have not posted here in awhile, but that does not mean I am "healed." Far from it. My Mom has been gone for almost 3 years. This past week, I put half of her remains with her parents and grandparents and my cousin. My uncle was also put there by some of his children. I was the only one of my Mom's kids who was able to be there. Even though, it was 3 years, I was not ready for it and it all felt hurried. My cousins wanted to do it at the same time as us, in order to not have to have the tomb opened more than once; as it is kind of expensive to do so. My sister had my Mom's ashes all this time, then my brother gave them to one of my cousins to pass on to me at the tomb. I did not mind doing it, but had told everyone that I know my Mom wanted to be spread in Spain and possibly some other places her and my Dad loved to travel. So they recommended I keep one of the two boxes of ashes and put one of them in the tomb, which I did. Looking in that tomb was really rough. I did not know what happened to my Grandmother's coffin and the bottom half was sealed. This is an above the ground tomb. There was a shelf where I put my Mom's and they put my uncle. After this was done, I was seriously regretting that I had not taken a photo of both boxes of my Mom's ashes together. I still have the other one and both cardboard boxes and the velvet bag, but I still wish I would have documented this. I thought about taking it out and photographing it with the other one, but I did not want my cousins to think I was weird. And after they left, I thought about doing it, but did not want the grave worker who may have been around to think I was doing something weird like taking out whatever we put in without the rest of the family knowing. I went back later, but the tomb was already closed. I was devastated and remain so. I plan on scattering her ashes in lots of places she loved and at a later time. I know this sounds silly, but I really feel regretful. Maybe I just cannot let go and am doing ANYTHING (like taking a picture of boxes of ashes with her name on them; even though I have an identical one) try to hold on to her? When I was holding the box, I was hugging it with love. I just cannot let go. I feel like I am back at the beginning again. I am sorry for ranting. Thanks for reading and I appreciate any advice on how to deal with this.

Sorry. I just had to post this at this hour. I feel so alone and abandoned. Lost my Dad in April 1995. We did not always get along and agree on everything, but the last 5 months of his life we were getting along great. We were becoming friends and he was trying to patch things up that I know he had wanted to between us. Had an operation for lung cancer. Was looking okay. Then had a pulmonary embulism in the hospital 3 days after surgery. Then he was GONE! Then I lost my Mom, who was the best friend of my entire life in June 2010. Diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer! How can a pulmonologist MISS that????? She had gone to him for check-ups regularly and I always asked her "what did he say?" She would say, "he said my lungs are fine," and then I had to take her to the emergency room to find that out on a night when she told me she "doesn't feel good." How can it happen?! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! Gone less than 3 months later! I just cried my eyes out a few minutes ago. Nobody gets it. Not my siblings, not my significant other, not my friends (except for maybe 1). I can't sleep at night and do not want to get up in the morning. A lot of times I just don't want to go on. I know everyone has to pass away at some point. But this all seems so WRONG. Also, I had been seeing a grief conselor after my Mom passed away. Since it has been over 2 years, she has shown little interest in me; no mailings about meetings etc., no return phone calls recently. I guess the "free" sessions have ended. I have nobody to talk to. Everyone has gotten tired of listening to me. I guess after 2 years, you are supposed to be "over it." Yeah...right. I had a meltdown tonight and had to post. Sorry. Thanks for reading.

I am so sorry for your loss. You can read my story in my other posts, but I can totally relate to what you're going through. Been 2 years and 2 months of this horrible loss and I am still not doing well emotionally. I try and try and try not to think about the reality of it all. I do not feel I am where I "should" be. Every day is a struggle emotionally of some sort or other. Some days better than others. One of the many things is that there is so much I would love to talk to my Mom about and ask her always excellent advice on. Same with my Dad. I often say I wish I could at least call them and talk to them. Yet, I have to remember how they really were and know what they would probably say or advice about so many things. Here it comes...I am starting to cry. Sorry.

Very thoughtful of you and a great idea. I think anything bright and cheerful would be nice. Whatever you feel brings peace and contentment.

I am sorry, but this has been bothering me a lot. It has for over 40 years, but I still cannot let it go. With my Mom's passing and all that has happened, it has resurfaced very intensely. Kind of long. Sorry! One day when I was 5 years old, my ever-loving Mom was bringing my older, selfish, teenage brother, who was either 14 or 15, and his neighborhood friend somewhere in her car. I went along for the ride. It was a hot, sunny day about 5:00 in the afternoon. We were driving on a raised highway on a slightly inclined up-ramp (not a merge lane, but there was one ahead). Also, there was no emergency lane on this road. It was a 2-lane highway going one way with 2 lanes of traffic traffic going the other way, divided by a very low cement barrier. In other words, there was very little walking area and safety area. Then suddenly, the car broke down. Not sure what it was, but this was a 1966 4-door Buick that my Mom loved. My Mom did not know what to do. The car would not re-start. Instead of being a helpful, kind, compassionate and loving son, my older, selfish brother tells his friend, "Come on, we are leaving!" His friend kind of looked like he did not know what to do, but felt he had no choice to go along with my idiot, older, selfish, arrogant, teenage brother. My Mom said, "Please don't leave us. Please!" My mean, idiot, older, selfish, teenage brother then jumped out of the car and started hitch-hiking. My Mom got out of the car and once again pleaded with my disrespecful, mean, idiot, older, selfish, arrogant, teenage brother and said, "Please don't go! Please stay and help us! What am I going to do?", this time in tears. I very clearly remember my heartless, disrespectful, mean, idiot, older, selfish teenage brother yelling something very mean at us like, "Shut up! And stop crying! Both of you! We're going! You are not going to keep us from doing what we want! This is not my fault! We don't need you to give us a ride! We're getting out of here and have to get going!" My poor, ever-loving Mom cried even more and said once more "Please don't go! Please help us! I have your little brother with me. He is only 5 years old! We need your help! Please don't leave us here alone!" At this point, her youngest son (me) was crying too and very scared. While totally ignoring us as cars were driving by which were also ignoring us, my good for nothing, mean, idiot, older, arrogant, selfish older brother ignored us and continued trying to get a ride. Suddenly a car stopped, picked up the hitchhikers and there was my Mom with her 5 year old son, both of us in tears. I was scared. REALLY scared. It was getting close to sunset. Remember, this was 40 years before cell phones and texting and all that. My ever brilliant and smart Mom told me to stay by her and had put the blinkers on and stood on the right side of the car on the very small walkway along the road and kept waving her hands and saying "help!" This walkway had a guard rail only about 4 feet tall and very easy for either or both of us to fall about 50 feet to our deaths. Not to mention the speeding cars passing by and ignoring us. After about 45 minutes of fear and feeling completely helpless, a man pulled up behind our car in his car. He was very calming and told me and my Mom that everything was going to be alright. He opened up the hood and found out whatever the problem was. Being that this was still before cell phones, we had to call a wrecker. I remember getting into his car with my Mom and him giving us a ride to a phone to call a wrecker. Then we went back and waited and the wrecker came and towed my Mom's car somewhere to be fixed and the man stayed with us the whole time and then gave us a ride back home. Now just THINK for a moment if this man would have acted like he was helping us, but really was abducting us and could have done anything to us. Kidnap? Rape? Robbery? Murder? All of the above! Just think of what could have happened because of my good for nothing, mean, idiot, older, arrogant, careless, selfish older brother! That is a lot of why this still upsets me so much. Luckily for us, he was none of the above and in fact the total opposite. My Mom got his name, address and number. We never saw him again. I really think he was a Guardian Angel. His whole demeanor about him was so calm and calming. All this talk of heroes? Well, this guy was a hero. I remember telling my Mom what a great guy this man was and that we really needed to do something for him. My Mom said, "Yeah, he sure was. Maybe get him a wrench or something." That was my Mom. So anyway, thank you for reading if you still are! So my whole thing is, is that I am still angry at my cruel, disrespectful, mean, idiot, selfish and life-endangering older brother after almost 42 years. Okay you say, "kids are kids and it is all about them." I disagree. This was flat out MEAN. He could have cared less about the welfare, safety and of his Mom and little brother. Even his friend knew it was not right. I could see it. Why does it also bother me after all these years? Because I SERIOUSLY doubt he ever thought about it again and SERIOUSLY doubt he EVER apologized to my Mom about it. That is the main thing that bothers me after all these years. He certainly did not apologize to me and has to much of an EGO to do so now, 42 years later. I am sure his EGO has made him completely forget about it and would think I was crazy even remembering it and bringing it up. And even if he admitted the incident happened, he would find someway of justifying it because of his EGO ("well we had to be somewhere." "We were going to come back and check on you." "I was going to call someone to go help you all."). Would you be surprised if I told you he is now a defense attorney?! LOL! Anyway, it still bothers me and I don't know what to do. Part of me wants some kind of vengeance, but the real part of me knows that is not how I am and that I do not believe in that. Just knowing this happened and what he did to my Mom (more than what he did to me) makes me furious and livid 42 years later. I don't know how to deal with it. And by the way, this was not the only thing he ever did to my Mom, which I know he never apologized for. At least whatever stupid things I did to my Mom (Nothing like what he did. Never!), I made it a POINT to apologize for. And I also THANKED her for everything she did for me and our family. Numerous times. And I would give her little gifts occasionally and say "I am really sorry for what I did on such and such a date and I hope this helps say I am sorry and that I hope you forgive me." or "This is to say thank you so much for what you did for me on such and such a date." She would always appreciate this and sometimes laugh at how I even REMEMBERED such things and dates! By the way, this was all said YEARS before she got sick and I even did it again when she got sick. She forgave me completely and told me I was welcome for all she did. I cannot tell you how great I feel that I did this. Thanks for reading all this!

Hi Miss Ngu, I am so sorry for your loss. One step at a time indeed! Day by day. In addition to grieving and dealing with the loss of a love one, dealing with change can be a huge complicating factor. Myself, I do not think making huge changes while in mourning is a good thing. Bad decisions can be made and snap decisions are not a good thing in my opinion. Sometimes, however we are forced into things we don't want to do, as was my case and I am still very, very bitter and angry about it. After not quite 2 years, I am still in shock of it all. Not just the loss of my Mom and becoming an adult orphan, but also the change that was forced on me (not my own choice; read my story if you are interested). But anyway, my point is, we have to take it step by step and not make decisions we may regret later. Hope this helps.

Hi Kim, I am so sorry about you losing your Dad and all that happened with your Mom and your siblings. It sounds like you really were your "Daddy's girl" and that you like me and some others here experienced a degree of jealousy of the fact that you were closer to him than your siblings. It also sounds like you did everything you could to the very end to be there for him. It is really sad how when a loved one is about to pass away, sometimes family members absolutely freak out, take out their grief (if they have any and if it indeed is grief),become extremely selfish and want to only know "what's in it for me?". As Ron mentioned, I have indeed been through a lot of this type of situation with the passing of my Mom almost 2 years ago. I can relate to what you both have unfortunately gone through. If you are interested, you may read my story in my previous posts for the last 2 years. Ron, thanks for asking about and being concerned about me. I am sorry for the late reply. I really do need to come here more often and can feel the affects of not doing so, as I have been feeling pretty depressed about it all during the last few weeks. Kim, I cannot add much to Ron's excellent and well thought out responses and advice. He is quite amazing and was very supportive of me during this whole horrible part of my life. The loss will never, ever go away and my emotions seem to come and go. For a while I start to feel better, but lately it is more of a depression of just how much my entire life has changed since it all happened. There is no way out of it for me it seems. I will probably post more on this recent feelings in the near future. Again, I am so sorry for your loss of your Dad. However, I am a strong believer in the power of the spirit and I believe that your Dad is closer to you than you realize. Please keep posting and best of luck with everything.

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't agree with you more. The loss of my Mom changed everything. How I feel about things, what I do, what I think about and a lot more. I cannot "move on" as people think you are "supposed" to do. My Dad has been gone for 16 years and losing my Mom just makes that loss even greater. I feel so alone in the world. I rarely talk or see my siblings and do not get along with them. That is a story in itself and a lot of it has to do with the way my Mom's passing and all that went with it was dealt with. Anyway, I am so sorry. We are all here for eath other.

Thanks for all the replies. I appreciate them all. And I am sorry I posted this in the wrong forum. Meant to go in Loss of Parents and Grandparents but I put it here by accident. Sorry but thanks to all! And my condolences to everyone. This is such a horrible thing we all are dealing with no matter who it is we love and lost. Blessings to all.

I am sorry for everyone here's loss. It is horrible isn't it? I was feeling a little bit better, but in the last few days things have really been hitting me. It just seems that everything I see and hear reminds me of something do with my Mom and Dad in one way or another. Every song I hear reminds me of a time in my life when they were alive and when things seem so great compared to now. Tonight I cried my eyes out when I came home. Why? I saw a musician who my parents came to see my band open for many years ago. I would also call them at home when I would go see him on other occasions and tell them how great it was and that I wanted them to hear the music over the phone. Also, I bought 2 small bags or popcorn at the show. Cried a lot over that when I got back. Why? Reminded me of when I was from 7-14 years old how my Mom used to always give me money (back then about 50 cents) to buy some popcorn and a Coca-cola at recess at school. And how she used to either give me lunch money or make me my lunch. Oh how kids take their parents for granted! I don't think I did, but I know others who did and do. So anyway, it just seems I can't escape missing them everywhere. I feel I am not getting better but am degressing. I feel trapped by this feeling of being an adult orphan and there is no escape from the grief. Sorry to rant. Thanks for reading.