Lostdaughter

Thanks pjm. Good to know I am not the only one with these sorts of thoughts running through my head. I, too, live in AZ. I am sorry for the loss of your partner of 22 years. That must be very hard. As to the guy who never responded...no, he'll be well-attended to by his family at that moment. Maybe in the next life he won't though... I guess I cannot think about it being so cold, even though it really is. I just feel sorry for my dad being all alone in that cold place. I am not particularly religious. About the only thing I hope for is that he is living on in a different plane and happy and at peace.

Oh, and then to add to things, I rec'd a sympathy card today from a person I'd known for 10 years and was so cruel to me during my dad's death. Months later. I just don't get it...

My dad died in MN. This is their first blizzard. His funeral was September 1 on a beautiful day. I could deal with him being buried under these conditions. But now I just don't even want to think of how cold it must be for him. I know this sounds crazy. Then I was cleaning out my cupboards and found 15 cans of Sprite - the favorite soda of the guy I wanted to marry - the one I am still not over who never even acknowledged my email when I told him my dad was close to death. There is so much pain in life. LD

Thanks, Grace. I hope you are feeling better, or at least as well as can be expected or hoped at this point in time. I, myself, knowing I blocked this person am doing much better. Still, even last night, when talking to my best friend of 35 years - the issue came up. Her mom died at 67 and my dad at 95 and therefore....what she doesn't realize is that she had her mom for five years less than I had my dad! Yes, I was born late in his life. It is NOT a competition. Each of us only has one biological parent (for some of this it's good, for some of us it's not so good, unfortunately). Anyway, this guy has my address and I will not hold my breath. I WILL be grateful I have the empathy I do, to relate to you and others. Ok, sort of tired here. Sleeping patterns very erratic. Signing off for now... LD

Long story short, those who "don't get it" are not going to get it. It's been three months since dad's funeral on September 1st and I continue to receive hate-filled emails from a former "friend" who I regarded as a surrogate father. I won't get into the details, other than to say he says "we all have losses" and has just diminished mine completely. I sent him an email this morning telling him that I have blocked his email address and if he ever wants to apologize for being such a jerk someday, he has my address. I kept thinking he "might get it" for three months now to no avail. This is a person I had to TALK OUT OF sending hateful letters to both his wife and her family members when his wife's father was on his deathbed due to a stroke. My friend's regret is that he didn't get to tell this man how much he despised him before he died (again, based on my recommendation to not do so). Some people kick you when you are down and I am glad I am not that kind of person. Only weaklings do that. My reason for writing is both to vent and also to encourage those who do not feel the love and support from friends and family to realize maybe they are incapable of being there, for whatever reason. Sometimes hearing nothing is better than hearing what I've heard. Find people who will understand and not diminish your experience. Take it as a learning experience when those you thought you could count on don't come through for you. At times, silence really is golden. LD

Absolutely they have helped me and, in my case, they are essential. Last year I went through sort of a mini-breakdown. The man I loved, well, it turns out he was only deceptive and a womanizer. I wanted to marry him so you can imagine what a disappointment this was. Due to his making me feel slow and stupid, I stopped all of the medication I'd been taking (for diagnosed psych issues) and just crashed and burned. I went through three weeks of detoxing (from what I was supposed to have been taking) and felt horrible. This year when my dad went into hospice, I really needed something in advance of his impending death. I had one Dr. who refused me two Klonopin (one for the plane ride and one for the funeral). The good news is my regular MD came through for me. Right now due to so many stressors I take an anti-anxiety med, along with other drugs. For this reason, I am a big proponent of medication at least for a few months until things get more stablized. I know one is not supposed to self-medicate through grief, but this really is a matter between Dr. and patient. If you think it will help you, please talk to your Dr. Good luck and Best Wishes. LD

Well, bless your heart. I am thinking you give more credit to these people than I do. There is a side to people we often don't know, until we lose someone then we see it. And for reasons I won't get into here, things have changed with people and this country. Once in a while I am surprised when someone does a really kind thing for someone, but my expectation is that unless I have the money to pay someone, to expect nothing at all. Of course, forums like this and people like you are the exception, but I belong to other forums and you would not believe what I come across. I am starting to think most people are basically just self-centered and self-absorbed who have no interest or feigned interest or interest "as long as it's not too hard" in their fellow compadres. It is so sad what happened with your "friend" and I imagine that made your Thanksgiving not a good day at all. I can tell you my "friend's" cold and cruel comments sure did not make my day a good one. And it is different when one has invested years in knowing someone - in your case 20 and in my case 10. I really do not bring up this topic out there in the real world and even less so now. At first I thought people would actually HELP me deal with this, but now I am realizing they often make it harder. So I am just keeping to myself and talking about the weather to others and that is pretty much it. Yeah, it's safe to process these feelings here and, like you, I see a counselor to discuss these things and others. Oh, and to add, I don't even talk to my mother or anyone in my family about my dad. It's a lonely place to be. In fact, half the time she sounds irritated when I call her, so I am even shutting more down. Oh well.

Feeling horrible today. Forced myself to go to a breakfast meetup with nice people I'd never met, all went well, I stopped off at a couple of thrift stores on the way home, and then just cried all the way home. It wasn't anything anyone said or did, except maybe my friend asking me when I was going to quit "whining" about my dad the other day. He calls me to tell me he didn't mean the horrible things he said as he was under the influence when he said them, then tells me he is not at that point, then asks me how much longer I plan to whine over things. First, if he had ever said a proper I'm sorry or asked about my Mom or the funeral or sent a card all of this would be a non-issue. My GF of 35 years also said some horrible things to me yet she DID come to the funeral and I never bring up my Dad to her. In fact, I never really talk about it at all. I read Grace's post in my other thread where her friend dissed her on Thanksgiving and that Grace said she was done with her. I am sorry that happened Grace and agree it's time to be done. But then I reflected on all the problems I've had with people and how things have ended with so many people since Dad went into hospice and it just makes me wonder. Is it me? Is it them? Is it both? Why when we need people to be the most compassionate and helpful to they turn out to be the biggest disappointments who just end up making us feel worse? I have an acquaintance who called me a couple of days ago. She wanted me to call her back. Truth is, I didn't feel like talking on the phone with her for many reasons (guess I've been withdrawing in general) so I dropped her an email asking her to do me the favor and drop me a note as to how her trip was to see her son, her job situation, her husband, etc. I explained I didn't feel like talking to anyone on the phone and that I'm dealing with some tough situations on my end but that I'd love to hear about her life. Do you think she emailed me back? Nope. Anyway, this is a post asking these questions and a post just venting too. What are others experiences and how do you cope? Me? I am going to go take a nap and try to sleep now. LD

Thanks, Elb! My favorite quotation in life is from Krishnamurti: It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society. I think of this often and realize that *I* am not the crazy one for being upset over certain things rather others are just really insensitive at times. I think all of us who post here are probably very sensitive souls and that is why we carry our loved ones in our heart and it hurts so much. I do hope you are able to enjoy this holiday more this year and that I am too!

Elb, I am really glad you feel this way. You are not weird or crazy. This society is. I did a bit of preliminary research and discovered that societies with more individualistic bents (such as ours) expect us to "pull ourselves up by the bootstraps" and get over it. This is also the case in Britain and Germany, where isolation is actually admired in Germany. Seems odd to me. My guess is that in the Oriental and other cultures this isn't the case. I know the Jewish faith has what is known as Shiva and I think it's a week long observance of grief - not just a one or two hour service. One thing I did forget to mention, and I am still fuming, is that in addition to what my friend more calmly said, he also said not to expect "us" (meaning those who have to "contend" with the griever) to build a funeral pyre and pave the road for Kathy's grief (that would be me). What a moron. I sent him another email and told him that I never want to talk to him again, that I am still astounded by his cruelty, and that he will NEVER get the chance to use language like my effing dad or my effing Dad's funeral. Of course, he used the real word, which I cannot say here. I told him he was something else I cannot say here and that no amount of wine or pills does that to a DECENT person. And I believe it. It's tough enough to grieve and I guess maybe it's a blessing in disguise when some people are silent. Because maybe some people think the way this person does and it just brings pain to a new level, and especially considering I already deal with clinical depression and have no plans for tomorrow. I wish we could all have a big HOTV Thanksgiving get-together (for those of us who could use it or are alone), but not possible. I thought about volunteering but just am afraid I'd start to cry and I don't need that. And now, I have to go do all this paperwork to deal with my Dad's IRA. I would much rather have my Dad still here (that is to say healthy) than have to deal with his IRA. Yes, it's nice he is leaving a bit of money to us kids, but at what cost. I just don't want to do this but my mother is on me constantly about getting this done and I can't put it off any longer. And I know sometimes I write long posts, but today is a crying day and I'm trying to put off having to leave the house. Take care.

Elb, I am so sorry to hear that you've been dealing with this sort of stuff for eight years. I guess people (some people) just don't understand or want to be bothered or really believe we should just be over it pronto. I think this might be a cultural (American) or western world sort of thing. I think I'll research other cultures and report back. Here is how it was explained to me (by same person who said cruel words but then calmed down) in a subsequent voicemail. "We care and we don't care. We've all had losses and have to deal with them ourselves. No one can really know what it feels like to another person, so don't make us feel bad or guilty for not wanting to hear about it/talk about it/ etc" Ok, this is a paraphrasing and some actual verbiage, but you get the idea. It's a very each man for himself way of looking at life, but maybe men are just that way. I know there are a couple of men on this forum who display great sensitivity so I don't want to insult men, but maybe women just have a harder time getting over losses. I don't know. Thanks for your perspective.

It's fine not to observe holidays. A lot of people are alone, believe it or not. Some of us say we have other plans, so as not to feel stupid that we don't have other plans (not saying this has been your case, but has mine). Your loss is so recent. Why not do something non-traditional like order a pizza and watch movies, or go for a drive or nice long walk? Our country fixates too much on holidays, anyway.

Niamh and hello123 and everyone who has responded. I am still reeling from those comments last night and sent him an email (which he will not get for days) that just as ignorance is no excuse for breaking the law, his substance abuse is no excuse for his cruelty. For some reason he seems to think it's ok and he can just say sorry he was under the influence. Well, no more. While he is ok when he only drinks, he turns into a monster when he adds the Soma. Yes, he has addictions but won't get any sort of help so be it. Sad thing is he probably will not remember saying it but I will never forget. Yes, the world doesn't want us "dampening the mood," to be sure. I have so many real issues right now to deal with (no job, no friends where I live, money issues, medical issues) that I just want to break down and cry or crawl into bed. I know it's safe to "talk" in this forum and I know we've all had our moments of incredible sadness, pain, loneliness, frustration, loss, etc. Anyway, I am not alone as long as I can come here, but there are days I just don't want to go on and today feels like one of those days. Who can be trusted is my question? I am getting the answer from you all that it is *ourselves* only. What a sad realization. Then I look at my two baby doll Shih Tzus and my kitty and I know I can trust them. They'll always love me even if they're not much at conversation. Well, I am going to bed and today can just take care of itself. Thanks for everyone's support and I will try my best to get those horrible words out of my head.

Ok, so this man I've known for 10 years, who I thought of as the father I never had, just told me that no one gives an eff about me or my father and will I get that into my effing head. I just don't even know what to say here, but I did hang up on him and turned off my phone. I mean, this is worse than being ignored or what have you. I told him I was incredibly hurt that he had not asked one question about my Dad's funeral, how my Mom was doing, or how I was doing and this is the response I got. And I wonder at times why I just want to kill myself. I am obviously a VERY POOR judge of character. That is all. He says to me, "oh will you just get off that? No one cares." It's not about you or your father. The world does not revolve around you. And not ONE time has he EVER asked me about my Dad's funeral. Just incredible. I guess I'm speechless.

Wow, I just told this person what I told all of you here. I had to. And if this isn't bad enough, he had a person come to his doorstep begging for any work. BTW, my friend is under the influence of alcohol and pills. It didn't sound friendly. He told this poor person that he had no work and then hung up on me. I called him back to tell him that was not ok to hang up on me and then told him we spent more time talking about his hatred for his FIL's death and that he had never ONCE asked me about my dad's funeral. So...where to go from here...this country is in sad shape, but I digress. The guy is question gets a gov't pension and healthcare for life. I asked him if he didn't have any bushes that needed to be trimmed and his says he does his own bushes. My God, what have we come to? I am going to keep to myself even more than ever now.