tin73man

I think you are the second person to email me about this type of situation. I wish I could give you great advice, but all I can do is share from my experience. As of now, my g/f and I are doing great. I don’t know the exact quote from the bible, but it goes something like…blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted. It seems like an eternity, but I see her slowly changing. I’m sure she will never be 100% the person she was before her mom passed, but I see someone who is now able to visualize a future. We are living together, and saving to be married next year. She has a lot of things going on in her life that have been blessings, hopefully I am one of them. Q. How long after the death did she start to come around and talk to you again? A. Well that is hard to say, because some days I thought we were talking like we would be back together. Instead, the next day she would say it is over. I would say it took about 2 months before we got on a track of spending time together again. It started slow, and there were so many obstacles…but eventually it happened. Q. How long before you were a couple again? A. I would say after about 3 months of being together did we become a couple again. But in all honesty, it wasn’t till about 6 months did I feel some sort of security in our relationship. Q. What kind of things did you say to her that helped her through it? A. What you will find out one way or another, is that it isn’t what I said to help her. I can’t…and they are just words. If I could give a bad analogy, I imagine it’s like someone telling you everything is ok while you are on fire. The words don’t mean anything. I don’t know the feeling of losing a parent, but what I see in her is so much pain and sadness. My words won’t ever help anything. I learned a lesson that I can’t do anything. All I can do is be there if she needs me, and not be there if she wants to be alone. What I did was to stop texting or calling initially. I would email her instead. I would suggest maybe writing a letter ( I wanted to, but she moved and did not let me know where she went). Don’t focus on your relationship, instead let her know you are there if she ever needs you. Also, I would suggest a lot of prayer. I 100% credit our relationship on that. I struggled with God and when I started giving up, he took over and changed the situation when I thought there was no way we would be together. Anyway, that is my 2 cents. Lots of luck

I'm sorry to hear that. I can't answer why your gf is doing that. Perhaps she does not know either. Perhaps the person she is now right now is looking for something completely different than what she wanted before her mother passing. Maybe she is trying to self-sabotage herself unconsciously, I don't know. All I know is when my gf broke up with me; she went out clubbing and actually started meeting guys. When I asked her about that later on, she said that we were through in her mind and that she wanted to move on. But as she spoke, she would mention that other guys were not as interested in her life as I was…I guess what I am trying to say is that she compared other guys to me. My hopes are that your gf will get to a point soon where she can think clearer. She may walk, talk, interact with others and she will seem normal and clear headed, but I don't think she really is right now. I don't want to give advice, but sending flowers to her work right may make her feel smothered. It may be better to take a break for yourself and her, and hold off from contacting her for a short time. How long? I don't know, but enough to let her breathe. What I did (which I got advice from this forum from great people) was to wait a bit before contacting her…then I emailed her. I truly believe it was God, but she later told me that when she received my email, it came at the exact right time when she needed to feel like someone was there for her. She was in a period where she did not feel safe, and I'm not exactly clear what she meant by that, but she said the letter gave her comfort. As far as this other guy. It might be hard, but you cannot control her. You may have to let that run its course, and hopefully she will get some sense back before it is too late. Remember the questions I asked you? Well this is a perfect situation where if you answered yes, then you have to take the hurt and swallow it. The possibility she may take time to come back or not at all is real. But if you have faith that God is in control, then you have to let go and let God do what he thinks is best. Try not to control the situation and her, just be a support…that might mean putting your love aside and just being a friend. I know it hurts, but this is where your true character will come out and also your character will be developed.

I In regards to the songI don’t know how to express the sadness I feel for you. I know what you are going through is so difficult, and the heart break is sometimes unbearable. In terms of my relationship, yes we are together again, but it is not easy. She constently tells me she is just not happy in life. She is still just trying to make it through the week, which is better than trying to make it through the day(which she was doing for months). I have found that I have to take on a lot of her load in everyday things, plus she is short tempered. I have gotten used to the fact that she cannot meet my needs for now, while I give her my full attention. I guess I’m trying to say that you have to resign yourself to the idea of constantly giving without getting anything back. But if you love someone, sometimes you have to put them before you. That being said, we do have plans for a future, hopefully by next year we will be married. We have set our engagement in October, and my hope is that she will be in a place that we can truly build a future on. I want to say that your situation does sound similar, but if there is one thing I have learned in this forum is that grief is unique to everyone. All I can say is that she might seem to be acting strange or disconnected, but it may stem from the fact that she is so distraught that everything pales in comparison. In other words, everything to her seems pointless now. My gf is not the same person she was before she lost her mom. You have to remember that you have not changed, but she definetly has. The scary part for me is how much of her original self is gone in that one instant. I don’t know what advise I can give you, but what I did was to be able to give her space, but after a few weeks try to reach out again. I suggest excerise during this phase because it allows you to channel your hurt physically. It really works, plus I used that time to pray. I’m not sure if you are religious, but I found praying really worked. It brought me hope in a time of despair and peace when I felt like my chest was going to explode. Being long distance may not be a huge problem because it allows for that distance she may need. But when you speak to her, try to not allow for your feelings of hurt, betrayal, anger, confusion to come out. Instead try to be a listener, and to constantly let her know you are there for her and you are going to patiently wait. Basically your relationship has taken a huge leap backwards. The questions you have to ask yourself are, can you live the foreseeable future living with that hurt feeling, because she will pull away constantly? She may break up with you again simply because she had a bad day. Are you strong enough to swallow your pain without verbalizing it? No matter how good and supportive you are to her, she will treat you badly because she can’t see past her loss. Can you live with a relationship that is going to be completely one sided? You are going to have to bend over backwards for her, only to be taken for granted. Are you willing to give her everything, and know that on any given day, it may be the last time you see her because she will break it off? Can you live everyday feeling your on pins and needles, and that as she is sad, you will be also? I ask these things because if you hesitate on any of these questions, then it may be too hard for you. If you think she is going to get over this, and return back to who she was…and you guys live this happy life together, it doesn’t work that way. Have I scared you off yet? I hope not. It’s not my intention, but that is what you are going to face. If you love her completely, you have to let go of what you thought you had with her and start over. You will never understand what she is going through, so what I do is imagine she is like an alien, and that all my preconceived notions of how she is supposed to act goes out the door. Pray for patience and selflessness. Most of all pray that God’s will be done, whatever that is. I probably didn’t give you comfort, but I wanted to give you a pinhole into what you will face in these upcoming months. Right now, everything in her life is being reexamined, and everything seems wrong. That is including you guys. She is probably feeling 100% that you guys are not meant to be, but try to bring up some good times you guys had in the past to hopefully help her to see some light because her thinking and feelings are masked by grief. I know that fear and anxiety you are facing is hard, but I guess you have to decide to either move on or stick with it. Sorry for the long post.

During the grieving process, do you make decision thinking they are logical and clear, but they are totally the opposite? In her head does it seem like a sense of clairty, but it really isn't?

Niamh, Thank you for your insight. I actually read that post before, but I see the poster stopped posting. Can you give me some insight. I heard from one of her friends that she is resolute in her decision, but can she really be that clear right now? She has mentioned to me that she feels so ugly inside. Is she directing her feelings at me? If I send her a card, will she feel touched or more angry? She has a personality that she is head strong, but I can't beleive that she is really thinking this through. I imagine any relationship is going to feel not right. If I send her a card will it put the nail on the coffin? Why is she so cold to me? What did i do that casued this. Why is she so sensitive to what I say, but so open to others? We were so good together till her mom passed. I feel so guilty that i am thinking about our relationship, but how can I not?

Ron B. Thank you for the advice. I want to turn to friends and family, but because I am their son or friend, their concern is on me. All they see is that I gave so much to her and she dropped me. I don't think this helps me, thus, I'm on this forum.

Thank you for the advise so far. Should I not even try to contact her? I was thinking of writing her a hand written letter telling her that I cannot even fathom what she is going thru, and how i will cherish some of our memories together for the rest of my life. What do you guys think? Will it just make her feel like I'm crowding her?

I am a newbie to this site, but i really need some help understanding whats going on with my girlfriend. We were deeply in love and we were to be engaged this month. Everything was great, but about 2 months ago her mom was diagnosed with terminal stomach cancer. During that time, she wanted to get marreid right away so that her mother could see us getting married. I agreed, and we scrambled to make all the arrangements, but ultimately her mom told us to get married on paper first then have a ceremony later. We rushed, and were about to get married 2 saturdays ago, but her mom died right before. We naturally put our plans on hold, and I stayed with my gf everynight. I could tell she was getting upset and snapped at me a lot. She says she feels ugly inside and that we just don't seem right anymore. Finally, wednesday, she texted me to break up. Thurday night she texted, "I'm hurt" I went over there and we spoke. I think i made a huge mistake talking about how she was my life and that we were supposed to get married and have children. The next day I texted her saying I will give her space,and I will listen and be there for her whenever she needs it. She texted back "thx, but I think we should go our seperate ways and not speak anymore. I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose her. Some good advice and perspective would be really appreciated.