waltermeyer

April, you are in my thoughts and prayers. Life can be so so hard. I just don't understand sometimes why some of the best people have the absolute worst things happen to them. Not trying to say "oh woe is me" but I think you understand what I mean. I wish there was something that I could do to help you. But in the months after my best friends death, I went to his daughters 10th birthday party at a roller skating rink, and shattered my right wrist and hand. And yes I'm right handed and I deal poker for a living. So I was out of work for 3 months. Then in the months after that I had so many days where I just couldn't function in public. I just couldn't keep my composure in a professional setting. So I lost my job, and my home. This has been the most painful and defeating time of my life. And if you read my profile you will see I have had more than my share of tragedies. The traumas I have endured have all but taken me too. Please try to do all that you can to keep yourself together. Because I fell apart and it only made things so much worse. I keep wondering when my life will come together. But I feel like I am destined to suffer. Don't be like me. You are young and you have your whole life. I wish you the very best. I will keep you in my heart and say a prayer for you nightly. Take care. John

That is a whole other part of the issues that build this mountain to climb. I spent 54 days in the hospital. 23 days in a level one trauma center, and 31 in ICU. You start to feel like you could be a dr. You know all the routines, what kind of infections they could run into, maintaining body temp. That goes along with the infections. The x rays, breathing equipment, what meds they are treating him with and how often, and many many things that go along with a long hospital stay. I took a leave from work and spent on average 16 hrs a day there. And thats a 54 day average. There were many 18-20 hr days and some 10, and the all nighters. Had a lot of them. I always knew it was time to go home and get some rest when I started seeing things. Shadows and things out of the corner of my eyes. Weird lights. But I would go home, sleep, shower, change, and back to the hospital. And there were some wonderful people there. To some he was a number. But we knew the ones who cared. He was in for so long and was making such progress, the nurses and some dr's were blown away that he had passed. We actually had nurses who worked with him in Trauma for the 23 days he was there, come into his room after he had coded and was on life support, in shock, actually shed tears and try to comfort us. Hug us. They didnt have to do that. It was probably their break. But it was very nice to see that there are people there who actually remember, and cared as they cared for him. Anyway, we lived out of the vending machines and the UMC Bistro. LOL! Sounds alright huh? Its really not. But the kinda weird thing to me, is now, if I drive by it I almost automatically turn in. That can be understandable. But I find myself wanting to go there and just park where I used to park, go in, hang out like I did for so long. I guess its just the last place I saw Ryan and for so long and intense for a hospital stay. Ive never missed someone so much. Well I know Im kinda off subject sorry. But that just reminded me of the hospital stay experience. Obviously they didnt feel our personal feelings but for what they do every day of their life, it was refreshing to see that not everyone there treated him like a number.

Dont ever let someone influence how you deal with your personal tragedy. Its all different and your brothers memory will be with you forever. I have lost some very close people to me, and just 4 months ago got what feels right now like the most devastating so far. I have talked to people who have been through less, and people who have been through more. How long it has your spun out and otherwise is all relative. Ive talked to people who were in terrible accidents and been the sole survivor out of their whole family. Wife, kids, gone. They have to pick up the pieces and try to go on with life. I cant even fathom that. But the person is doing well. There is no wrong or right way to handle losing a loved one. Just take care of yourself. If you do nothing else, try to eat good, excercise, what ever you can do. And when your ready. But dont wait to long. I will go run my dog with headphones on and just totally weep the whole time. Ive been in some stage of mourning for the last 25 years for one thing or another. And just got another dropped on me 4 months ago like I said. Not everyone gets it. And thats not their fault. Thats why we come here. How you or anyone else deals with loss of a loved one has nothing to do with weather they were a friend, sibling, father, mother, grandparent, aunt, uncle, nephew, niece. None of that means s***. Its the place they had in your heart. I have had my share of loss over the years, and over my father, grandfather, uncle, other friends, 15 year marriage end in an affair and divorce. But a friend, dont get me wrong he was someone I considered a brother. I was best friends with him for almost 30 years. My profile about me lets you know what he was to me. But his loss is the most devistating loss I feel like I have ever been through. So there is no book on whats supposed to be and what you should feel, and for how long. They have generalizations and averages documented, but theyre just tools for the average difficult loss. But you cant listen to someone who thinks you should be feeling better. They mean well, but really dont understand fully. And thats not their fault. But take it one day at a time and dont feel like your going to feel better on a certain date. It will be with you for life. Dont be closed minded to everything people try to tell you. But dont expect everyone to get it either. Pick and choose what makes sense to you. And put it alll together. There are no absolutes in life I believe. Black, white. The answer to me at least has always fallen in the grey. It does get better. It wont feel this way forever. You will never forget. But life goes on. Like it or not. And the better you address things, the sooner you will learn a little bit about yourself that you never knew before. At least thats my experience. Im no therapist. Everyone, and I mean everyone, will handle each of their situations differently. Like I said there is no wrong or right way to feel. It comes natural. And let it. keep in touch here. It does make you feel even just a little better to get some of this off your heart. Its hard to get out. I usually cant make it through a post with out crying, but after, there is the feeling of a little bit of the weight being lifted. Even if its just temporary. Be good to yourself and dont try to "get over it". It doesnt go anywhere. So its essential that you address the issues. Either with therapy, journaling, posting here, or if you have someone you can trust then talk to them. Whatever works for you. Whatever you do, dont cork the bottle. When you cork it, its always gonna be there. Face your issues on your own time and terms. But dont bottle it up. Its a lifelong journey. And in time you will understand a little more, if not about your brothers death and coming to terms with it, but at least about yourself and how the tragedy shaped who you are and how you live the rest of your life. Be good and God bless.

No one should question how they are grieving. Even others who know what it's like to grieve. And what's normal? Who says? It meant something to you, and the others it still means something to you. Who's writing the book on what's normal? Probably someone as crazy as we sometimes feel. Just grieve and do whatever makes it easier to get through one more day. You can only take something like grief day by day. Sometimes less. Maybe someday you will throw away your dads bags of chips, or your brothers chocolate chip cookie. Maybe you won't. But remember no one is in your shoes exactly. We can relate. But only you know everything about your feelings no matter how much we dump out on these forums. God bless whoever started forums for us all to communicate with people who share a common sorrow. Someone who doesn't think your crazy when you tell them you have a four year old snickers bar in your freezer. Just do your thing. And make decisions day by day that are good for YOU. Only you can do that and it's so important. That's just my opinion.

I lost my dad to suicide when I was 10. I'm 35 now. Trust me it is absolutely normal to go even yrs with it not really affecting your day to day life. Not that u don't think about them, but you aren't "in mourning". I don't know if it makes sense. But I find myself going through the years living life on a rollercoaster as far as that subject goes. Its not an ideal situation, its hard, but it's what builds the character in us that you know you have, that others around you don't. You said earlier and it's true, and it's why we all come here. Not everyone understands. They for whatever reason don't need to. It's life long. Do the best you can with it and know it's alright and perfectly normal. Get this. My dad was buried on the total other end of town in vegas. To me, especially at 10, it was a long way to go. I visited, but not like I should have. Just coincidently I found a house when i was looking after my divorce, didnt know where it was, knew the area, but everything sounded good. Ends up the house I got was walking distance from the cemetery he's at. They put him over here so he could be by his dad. I never got to know him. He died before I was born. But I've lived here about a year and it definitely pulled it back in my face. It goes like that. Not always the same way. But the swings are still extreme. Like I said it's lifelong. Hope things stay manageable. Good luck. By the way, I know this is a sibling section, Im unfortunately kinda well rounded when it comes to the loss of loved ones. But the feelings that come along. The straight up grief, confusion, sadness, guilt, devastation, depression, loneliness, helplessness, frustration, and I can't forget the good old anger, are common feelings.

Im so sorry for your loss. I know first hand how it feels to lose close family and friends that you consider family. My story is a long one. Its on my profile page. If you have the time then you can read it so you know Im serious. I just lost my best friend/brother of almost 30 yrs in the last week of September '10. I cant say your gonna feel this or that. Everyone grieves in their own way. Its a piece of you and you life that you will never get back. I am still a mess. Its only been 4 months yesterday. But I see no light at the end of the tunnel. I dont have to tell you how hard it is. It will never go away and you will never forget. But it does get eisier. Its slow, dont get me wrong. Just take things hour by hour if you need to. Thats what I have done. I have his children to take care of. Which is a pleasure dont get me wrong. But I dont have any kids of my own. Now I am thrust into father hood of a 9 yr old little girl who just lost her father, and a 14 yr old boy. Its so confusing and unfair. Again Im so sorry. Coming to this site and being able to share with people who "get it" is theraputic. If you ever want to bs it would be my pleasure. We unfortnately share a common sorrow. He was only 35. And it wouldnt hurt to just be able to bounce things off someone. Just to release some pressure and try to decompress. Take care of yourself regardless. One thing I learned was that if you dont take care of yourself, you will draw everything else out. Especially if your trying to be there for other loved ones. Its no good to yourself or anyone you care about if you neglect yourself. Another lesson I learned the hard way. Whatever you do, I wish you the best, and my offer stands if ever or whenever you want to take me up on it. John

I also thought my bro was going to make it. We stuck it out for 54 days. 30 days in the trauma icu and the rest in the regular icu. He had many surguries and was healing great. The last surgery he had was like 9 hrs and it went well like all the other ones. He was in recovery for 4 hrs. When they went to move him from recovery to his icu room, he coded. They got him back but after 25 min of nothing. No oxygen. They couldnt believe they got him back. So they put him on life support just long enough to get his children down from Reno to Vegas to say goodbye because he was obviously brain dead. We later found out that some respitory tech changed his trachea before they moved him from recovery and missed his airway. They were bagging him from recovery and thought everything was fine. All of a sudden the bag wouldnt squeeze. They had missed his airway so all they did was fill his chest cavity up with air and collapse his lungs. They took something and poked a hole in each side of his chest and it was like popping a tire. But he had already coded and so it was too late. After him fighting for 54 days, and recovering so well, he wasnt going to need to be maintained in a hospital for much longer. We were ready to take him home. It was so devistating. Going from not thinking he's going to make it when we brought him in, to realizing there was brain activity and with reconstructive surgeries he would live. He was walking and writing the day of this surgery. Then just lights out. Like someone just flipped a switch. So fucked up. Someone at the hospital killed him basically. And they have the balls to send a bill, made out to him, after his death, for $1.2 million. We are in the process of a lawsuit. But this hospital has a $75k cap. So if his kids get $25 a piece for college then I guess thats as good as were gonna get. Just wasnt supposed to happen. He fought so hard. Only to have his life taken by someone who we and he trusted to take care of him. I know it was an accident, but when your dealing with life or death, you need to make sure you at least hit an airway with a trache. It wasnt like he coded in surgery or something. This was totaly avoidable. I dont even know what to say or think anymore. But I definitly feel your pain. The rollercoaster of his recovery. To end this way. 35 yrs old. So bad.

One month down. R.I.P. Ry.

Thank you. I will. God Bless you

Saturday the 23rd will be the one month mark. People say it gets better but every single day is getting worse. I have been through enough I feel I should have better coping skills. I feel like this is the first loss I have ever encountered.

Thank you for the links to those sites Marty. Im sure they will give me a better idea of whats normal and what isnt normal as far as whats going on in my head. And being here has helped. I dont have time to explore them right now because I really should be sleeping,, and sleep right now is such a huge gift for me when I get it. But I have 3 days off this week to try to occupy so I will definitely check them out. And your ideas Ron are all good ones too. I will be looking into those also. I cant thank you guys enough. As far as the alcoholism goes, I know its not the answer. Like I said before, my mom was a total drunk as were both my grandparents. And everyone else who is currently left in the family that keeps shrinking. And Ryan battled alcoholism his whole adult life. He never got the chance to tackle it. It was the alcohol that ended up making him just sloppy enough to have this terrible accident. Not to mention the turmoil I have watched him go through with his kids and legal trouble. I sit there and see more and more of him in me. I was never a bar person. By the time I was of legal age to drink, I was pretty much over it. I had my share during my childhood and my teenage years. That was something me and Ryan always bickered over. He always wanted me to go to the bar and have a drink with him, now I cant. I have never missed someone so bad in my life. And everyday seems to be getting worse not better so I need to try out both of your ideas. But God bless you guys and everyone else who comes on to try to help out someone when I know your also grieving. Thats a gift no one can give but someone who has been there. Again I cant thank you all enough for just being there for me. Thats a major thing for me. Im having dinner with a good friend from work who lost her 18 yr old boy one yr ago yesterday to a drug overdose. He was also a little nephew so to speak of mine. Just someone I tried to look after because I was closer to his age than his mom. But I am going to have some very deep conversations with her about how she has made it though this last year. That cant hurt. But anyway I really need to try to get a couple more hours of sleep. I will be back frequenting this site.. I still feel kind of drunk, lol, and I cant go to work that way. Again, God bless all of you. Talk with you soon.

Dont get me wrong. I have drank my share of alcohol in my life but never been drawn to it as a coping mech.

I have had many issues in my life but never been a drinker. But I just got home from the bar and this has been a pattern I have developed since Ryan died. I have no one to talk to because of my shift at work. I know its a cop out but its been getting worse. I cant end up an alcoholic. I have had too many in my life. I know how shitty it is for the kids. But I cant find any other way to occupy my long long nights. Its 8:30 am and I just got home. I cant keep this pattern up. I am so f****** lonely.

Being here on these forums will help some. Nothing is going to ever heal the kind of loss that so many of us have endured. I am so sorry about your sis. I know how close me and my best friend for 28 yrs were, I consider him my brother. I just lost him in september of this year. So mine is very raw still. As yours is because of your repressed grief. I dont know life without him by my side. I dont even know how to move forward. And I have lost several loved ones to tragic circumstances. But never has a death effected me like this one. I feel so alone. He was my councelor. He was the person that kept me grounded when something horrible spun me out. My confidant that I trusted with my life. I cant say I know how you feel, thats a pet peve of mine. NO ONE knows how any of us feel. But we can relate. And I have only been here for a few days on this forum, and I have felt some relief in reading others stories. Knowing Im not the only one in this state of mind. That I am not crazy. And it also feels good to try to comfort people who are going through something that only someone who has gone through it can speak on. I feel for you. Its a long road. You will never stop grieving your sis if you were as close as you say. But time is on your side. I feel like all the horrible things I have been through, if nothing else good comes from it all, if I can help with some heart felt comments and or be someone to chat with to someone who has never lost anyone, and feels like no one understands, then its good enough. I have lost friends and family to suicide to drug overdose, to natural causes. I watched my brother fight in a trauma center here in Las Vegas for 54 days only to watch him end up dying because of a complication after I thought he would be ok in the end. And want to agree with Lindakay, nurses are angels. Without them, the doctors would never have a patient to help. Its people like you who care for them daily and have to deal with their emotions and their swings. Emotional and physical swings. No one I have ever lost had ever made it to the hospital. But after spending 54 days in one day in and day out, I have a new respect for nurses. After he had passed, we had nurses coming up that had worked with him in trauma, (he was in trauma for 30 days and regular icu for 24 days) the nurses from trauma that had worked with him durring those 30 days had come up to the icu to console us and actually cried with us and embraced us. It was very surprising to me because of the amount of death they deal with. You will be one of those people one day who helps someone like you or me through the hardest time of their life. I know none of this helps right now and Im kinda rambling, but if you have no other recources available to you, then stick around here when you can. I am. And just being able to talk to someone who "gets it" is huge. I am so sorry about your sister. Words cant explain. Life is so hard. You will be in my prayers. Keep in touch here K?

Thats funny because since all the loss I have run into, especially the one recently that brought me here, I have been listening to so much music. I dont watch tv at all anymore. I just sit outside with headphones on and stare at the stars. But it seems to me that music really makes me sad. Me and my brother listened to the same music and together a lot. So when its on, it only reminds me of him and makes me straight sobb. I know thats healthy, but at the same time I cant get through some music without breaking down and balling. But for some reason I keep doing it. I dont know?