kellymarie

Hi Derek, Just wanted to say hello and how glad I am to hear that happiness is coming back into your life. It is hard to believe it's been two years. Kelly

Hello old friends, I was thinking of you all today and wanted to say hello and send some warm thoughts to you. Karen- amazing story, gave me goosebumps, there's no other way to explain it than it's a gift from Jack! Today I realized how meaningful 'hope' has been to me over the past (almost!) 2 years. The minister said to fill the void with hope. I didn't understand but was willing to give anything a try. Without hope, I don't think I could have come this far in just 2 years. Hope that Josh is doing well, hope that life can go on, hope that someday things will be better, hope to see Josh again, hope that my life will someday be more happy than sad, hope that I can go on. Well, somehow, it happened! Actually, I realized today that my life is now in a place that is even more wonderful than I could have ever hoped for. I am so glad that I didn't give up on life and on hope that I could be happy again. So I hope that this story doesn't cause anyone angst... just thought wanted to let someone else know how powerful "hope" really can be. With much love and hope for everyone here, Kelly

Corinne and Kay, Thank you for your thoughtful words. At times, I feel like I've come so far from my initial grief, that I don't remember it anymore. But then, out of nowhere, there grief is again. A strange thing that I imagine will continue to change throughout my entire life. Kelly

Thanks, Derek. It's nice to come back to friendly "faces," and know someone will understand you when you're feeling crazy. I dated someone for a couple of months last fall, and I wasn't ready then either. But I am really glad I did date him then because I think it helped me be ready for a relationship in the future. It was hard but good to do all those "firsts." Today, however, has been just plan exhausting. Thanks for your reply and it's good to hear from you. Kelly

Hi all! I haven't been around for months... I've started a new relationship with someone absolutely wonderful. I still think about Josh, talk about him, talk to his mom every couple of weeks (instead of every couple of days) but not anywhere as much as I used to. Tomorrow will be 1 year and 6 months. I've definitely "come to terms" with it all; I have a special place in my heart for Josh but now I have a new love to fill my heart. Never really thought that would happen again; I do feel absolutely blessed and can't believe it at times! But here's where the feeling crazy part comes in... Today when I left work, the radio gave a traffic report: a fatal car accident right exactly where my new love lives. And he lives in an area with not alot of traffic/people so I thought it was so unusual to hear about an accident right there. I tried calling his house phone and cell phone and couldn't reach him; I usually have no problem getting in touch with him. Well, I completely lost it. It was like re-living the first 2 hours after I found out about Josh's accident. The panic and horror and I just couldn't calm myself down. I thought I cannot live through this again; I don't even know how I did it once. The feeling like you're so upset you don't even know what to do with yourself. I even had my friend call the police dept. Well, he called me about 2 hours after my full-fledged panic attack; he was out on his boat with his family without the cellphone. He's wonderful and very understanding and said it's just a part of who I am. But, man, I just wish I didn't feel so crazy. It made me realize if you open yourself up to love again (which is absolutely worth it!!!!!), you open yourself up to potential hurt again. I would never go back, love is amazing but gosh....... Re-living that horror and panic was just that... horror. You just never know when grief will rear it's head up again............... sigh...

Dolores, I am so very sorry for your loss of your Sean. I lost my boyfriend at the age of 27 in a car accident on March 5th, 2006. He was also an only child, and I have become very close to his parents, especially his mom. So I know your pain from seeing through Josh's mom. I've heard of an organize called Compassionate Friends for bereaved parents. Again, I am so sorry and just wanted to send you a hug and prayers during this painful time. And you will always be Sean's mom... that will never change. Kelly

Hi Jessica, I am so very sorry to hear about the loss of your James. I lost my Josh on March 5, 2006; he was also killed in a car crash. I was 26 and he was 27. Yes, it is hard because no one our age understands, thankfully so because it is a miserable experience. I think 3 months after he died was one of the hardest times for me because I came out of being completely in shock. I know it may sound cliche but right now all you can do is survive each day. I even had to look at each day as 20 minute intervals to survive the overwhelming grief and pain. This site was exceptionally helpful for me as was reading books on grief, talking to a counselor, going to grief support groups, keeping a journal, talking to friends and family, especially Josh's mom. I felt I needed to face my grief face on and not avoid it. And because of that, now at almost 16 months, I feel alive again. But it is a very long, lonely, and painful road. It is nice to have company along the way sometimes, and we are here for you. Many hugs, Kelly

Kay, Sending you many hugs and prayers today. Kelly

<<<<<<<<<Shell>>>>>>, I am so very sorry to hear of your loss of your mother. You mean so much to me and to everyone in our family here; we're here whenever you need us. Sending you so many hugs, Kelly

Hi Jess, My Josh, who was 27, was killed in a head on collision by a kid that was driving too fast in the snow. That was 15 months ago. The kid goes to trial in Decemeber. For many, many months I thought about the accident, all those questions about Josh's last minutes, what the witnesses from the scene said, what Josh's face looked like plastered with makeup at the funeral home, etc. I just wanted to tell you that now my thoughts are from the happy times, Josh being alive, etc. Yes, occassionally I think of the accident, like yesterday I teared up on the highway where there was a memorial for someone else. But mostly the good memories are here now. But, yes, in the beginning it is all horror. I hope it's a tiny bit of hope to know that someday the good memories will come more often than the bad. Hugs to you and your children in this painful time. Kelly

Hi Chrissy, I dated someone from about 7 months after Josh died to about 10 months. Yes, I definitely compared him to Josh. I think it's inevitable. It made me realize how much capacity Josh had to love and how much this new guy didn't! Things ended nicely between us (this poor guy's mom, dad, and great aunt died while we were dating). Even though I compared him to Josh and it didn't work out, looking back on it now from 15 months since Josh died, I am so very grateful to have had the experience. The way I saw it was I had to have "the first guy I dated after Josh died" at some point in my life. And, for me, I think the longer I prolonged it, the more issues I'd have with it. Also I think it helped me in my grief in that I no longer had every waking moment about Josh and made room for new thoughts to come it. Also since I helped him in his grief process, I could stop thinking about my grief for a change. Which was much needed! Not sure if that helps at all but that's my story! Keep hanging in there. I was a wreck the whole month before the one year anniversary. Sorry you're going through this rough journey. Hugs, Kelly

Kay, It's so wonderful that you found just the right time to scatter George's ashes. Your story itself was a wonderful tribute to George. His personality and what you loved about him always shines through in your posts. Many hugs, Kelly

Thank you all for your messages. I do like to think of Josh as my guardian angel. It is nice but this has sent me through another mini-grief spiral, and at almost 15 months, I'm ready to be done with the crying. But it is a million times better than last year this time... There is hope for all of us!

So I've been thinking about Josh being here with me the other day.. and it reminded me of a picture we took in the backyard together. We were standing in the picture right where I "saw" Josh on Friday. So tonight I decided to look at our old picture together. And in the picture, right where I saw Josh, is this little white spot or shimmer in the picture. It's so strange... Check out the picture. Also, the dress I was wearing is the dress I wore to the funeral because it reminded me of that night the picture is from. Too many coincidences...[attachmentid=129]

I see that it's Gaby birthday today! Gaby, I just wanted to let you I was thinking of you and sending you birthday hugs. This morning on my way out the door to go to work, I had to stop to water my little flowers. I was in a hurry but as I was watering my flowers, a nice wind blew and reminded of how beautiful life can be. Then I walked down the stairs to go to my car... and then I caught a reflection in the glass of the french doors down stairs. It was the figure of a young man of my Josh's stature. I think it was Josh!! I tried to just dismiss it as my imagination but as I got in my car a shiver went down my spine and I got goosebumps. Later in the day, one of Josh's friends who he used to race with sent me a text message saying he was in Atlanta this morning picking up a car for work. I think Josh was visiting Atlanta this morning too! It's been awhile since I've gotten a little sign from Josh... and when I was least expecting it!! I think Josh stopped by for a few moments with me.