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starby

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  1. Thanks everyone for sharing thoughts and experiences. I'm glad I'm not alone with this. Carol Ann I'm pleased you don't find that things have such an impact now. Hello - no I don't watch Eastenders but a few years ago I watched Corrie when Vera died and I sobbed hysterically all night. I hadn't experienced any major grief myself but I have always had problems with loss, so I absolutely know where you're coming from. I still remember watching Vera's funeral and the look on Jack's face as he studied Vera's coffin - a felt a bloe to my chest as if I'd been stabbed. Very hard. I'm sorry you're experiecing so much pain.
  2. P.S. Just wanted to say, I also do understand how you feel about the comments some unthinking people can make. Yes maybe it doesn't change a lot according to who we're grieving for. It's hard.
  3. Kay thank you for your kind words. Yes I'm sure I'll move on in time although I do feel the need for some support at the moment due to the difficult ongoing situation I'm in. While I see where you're coming from re professionals normally keeping a distance, my therapist has always believed in being 'real' in the sense she isn't a blank slate, but her emotions haven't disrupted the therapy. Given the choice between having a real relationship with a therapist and one who remains detached, I know which I'd choose. My grief is greater because I formed such a deep bond and I know she cares and has done so much for me. I also know she's grieving while at the same time she has always encouraged me to blossom and move on. However, I've had the gift of a true connection with someone and I wouldn't change that. In genuinely caring she has helped me. I might well end up seeing someone else in the future and I know it'll never be the bond I had with this therapist, but that's okay. I don't need that anymore - I've had it, and it's given me so much. I have the choice to see her at a later date, which is an ethical decision on her part due to the ongoing nature of my current situation, but I think deep down it's time to move on now. That's not due to 'dependency' or any sort of inappropriateness, but simply because of where I feel I am in my life with letting go.
  4. Carol Ann thank you for your kindness and understanding, it's much appreciated. I'm not currently sure what the future brings but I have to keep hoping it'll work out for the best. I'm so glad to hear that you were able to find someone ethical after you had moved on. Kay - thank you for your words. I understand what you're saying about it being her job and about needing to move on and whatnot, but this is where I struggle. My therapist volunteers at the place I see her, so she doesn't get paid for it, and there is caring and grief on both sides. Yes it's a different relationship, but I find it hard that people accept the loss of a friend or a family member as a matter of course, condolenses are given, pain is accepted, whereas when it's about a therapist it's more 'time to move on,' 'it was just a job,' 'the relationship wasn't real.' 'this is really positive change.' I'm under no illusions that it was never going to be forver, but at the time it's such a close, personal, deep relationship because you share everything. Dependng on the therapist concerned it can be one sided, but my therapist invested a lot in me and shared a lot of herself. I'm sure I'll move in is devastating, but I wish there was more recognition of the grief involved and less stigma attached to seeing a therapist, never mind hurting over the goodbye.
  5. Dos anyone else find they are hyper sensitive to anything remotely connected to loss or endings? I had a frightneing experience today. I was sitting in a cafe reading the paper where it was interviewing Ashley from Coronation Street (a British soap) whose character had recently been killed off. I can't remember his real name but the actor was talking about leaving The Street and what a priveledge it had been to be part of it. I think it triggered the upcoming goodbye with my therapist and all the other losses because I suddenly came over really sick and faint, I could hardly breathe and really thought I was going to pass out. My heart was pounding and I was shivering, it was the most awful feeling. I'm now home but still shivering all over and feel like crying. I'm shocked at how something apparently so unconnected (I don't even watch Corrie, for starters!) could trigger something so powerful in me.
  6. I'm so sorry for the loss of your partner Pjm, it must be so heartbreaking especially as it all happened so suddenly. I know my situation is very different but gosh yes I resonate with all the feelings and experiences you mention. I'm suffering very badly with nausea at the moment and I can;r focus on anything. It's good to post here if it helps, I also have a journal but sometimes I find I need to reach out to real people who are reading and listening. I'm dreading Christmas and not bothering with decor this year, just been so much loss and sadness. You're not alone here.
  7. Thanks so much for your reply and for the healing thoughts and prayers. I'm really sorry about your partner and understand how hard the holiday seasion is. Sadly my therapist doesn't consider it ethical for me to stay in contact with her, so that isn't an option. It will be a permanent goodbye.
  8. Oh Redwind I'm with you, it is so hard. I haven't experienced the losses you have but I hear your pain and it is difficult to see people being happy. That is natural. It's hard to see how life can go on so normally for other people when all these horrible things have happened. It's impossible to find a meaning in loss sometimes too. I have spiritual faith but it's very hard to hold that faith when in the midst of pain and grief. I think all we can do is take things a day at a time, even a minute at a time, and not put pressure on ourselves to feel or behave a certain way. I'm dreading Christmas, I really don't want it this year, it's been so awful. I'm sorry for all your losses and am glad you feel able to post about it here.
  9. Hi Carol Ann Thanks so much for responding to my post and for sharing what you have. I'm so sorry that you recieved such devastating and unethical treatment from a therapist - it makes me so angry that there are still so many therapists out there who take advantage of vulnerable people. It's sickening. I can totally understand how awful it must have been to find out she was leaving with no notice at all. I'm aware of how lucky I am to have some sessions to say goodbye although it doesn't feel like long enough considering the enormous blow. Thank you for empathising with me and although our situations are different I can see how the feelings are very similar and the resulting grief is very painful regardless. It's complicated but I do have the option to see my therapist after a period of 2-3 months on a private basis (the gap is set by her agency for ethical reasons); however, I'm not sure I will do this. I'm aware of how much I've grown with her and I had already been considering trying to end before I found out she was leaving. There's a weird sort of synchroncitiy about it that makes me think I need to let go, as painful as it is. I think I still need emotional support with my life and this is what she and I are trying to work through together, ie what happens now and what I still need from therapy. Whatever happens we feel this needs to be treated as the ending it is because I might not go back and see her. I would hate to think I had glazed over the ending and be left with terrible regrets. I have a history of difficult endings and I think my therapist is keen for me to share how I feel with her and gain some sort of closure as well as exploring future options, but at the moment I feel lost, bewildered and in pain. I'm sorry about your health issues also, it is so unfair. I have a friend who has Lupus very severely and recently had to terminate her pregnancy due to a severe flare up resulting from the pregnancy. I'm sorry too that you suffered violence at home as a child - I understand how that is. I really appreciate you reaching out to me at this time. Starby xx
  10. Christine...my heart goes out to you. It is so very hard. I can promise you it does get better after a lot of crying and time. At least, this has been my experience. I had to have my much loved guinea pig put to sleep a few years ago. She had issues with overgrown teeth and I hadn't realised until she became very thin and stopped eating. The vet advised I have her put down as it was apparently a genetic fault. Like you, I beat myself up over whether I should have done more, made the right decision etc, especially as I read somewhere that teeth problems can often be fixed. However, the vet assured me it was the right thing to do and I didn't want her to suffer so I agreed to have her put to sleep. I did the best I could with the knowledge I had at the time. This is key: YOU DID THE BEST YOU COULD WITH THE KNOWLEDGE YOU HAD. Right or wrong is irrelevant, you intended the asbsolute best for your cat and this is what I believe matters. This doesn't take the pain away but I hope it eases the guilt. Guilt is natural but it only causes more suffering. You did the right decision for your cat and nobody could ask more than that. You made it out of love and this shows me that your cat knew he was loved. Time does help. The pain doesn't go completely - my mum's beloved dog died 13 years ago and she still misses her - but you do get to a stage where it's in the background more. Give into the pain and hurt, this is what gets it out and reduces it to bearable levels. Being in the grip of strong emotion is hard and feels overwhelming but this is the fastest way of feeling better. Emotion wants to come but it wants to go. Thinking of you.
  11. ((((Hbgirl)))) Be gentle with yourself. Christmas is so hard in the face of loss and it takes time. I think it's important not to force yourself to do beyond what you feel capable of at this time. I'm not going to do much this year, there's been so much loss and sadness. I haven't even put a tree up. If you feel you can go for it, if not it's okay. I think listening to what feels right inside is best.
  12. I wanted to find a place where I could offload in depth and this part of the forum seems the most appropriate, although it's not about a partner. It's about a different sort of love relationship. It's about my counsellor. I've been seeing her for nearly three years and in that time I've grown so close to her. She has brought out so much strength and other qualities in me that I just didn't know existed. She has championed everything I do. I had a very tough upbringing and as a result I wasn't close to my parents or my much older siblings. There was a lot of violence going on my house and I escaped into stories and creativity to escape, but nobody was interested in what I did. I grew up and did my degree in English but lost all confidence in my writing ability due to some criticisms I recieved. Then life went even more badly and I entered an abusive marriage and had my son, who I love dearly but he is severely disabled and life is tough. I first developed an illness called M.E in 1998, but this went into remission before coming back worse in 2005. I'm now very disabled with it. When I started seeing my counsellor I was a very withdrawn, insecure, repressed lonely person and now...well, life is hardly a picnic but I have so much self belief. I've found myself again. I've started doing another deegree with the Open University, I've been taught to see the good in me and the creative child I was. When I achieve anything my counsellor is so proud, she has even read several of my essays! She gave me the confidence to study Psychology, a subject I've always loved. She encouraged me to start the piano lessons that I gave up when I was a small child due to believing I was useless. She spent a lot of the first year of our work together reading my childhood stories, and she told me it helped her see the little girl I was, and bring her into the room. As a result, I now feel proud of the child in me. I'm writing all this to give a flavour of just how significant this relationship has been and how much it has helped me. I go there each week and I talk in depth about what is going on for me that she knows me better than anyone. My family don't even know I go to counselling and wouldn't care if I did. Only two of my friends know and they've never been so find it hard to relate. I think some people are under the impression it's a sort of shameful thing to see a counsellor especially as you normally pay (I don't) and that it's somehow impossible to enter into a real relationship with them. On the contrary, my cunsellor has always been real with me; her stance is humanistic and she believes in being human within the therapy relationship, not a blank slate. She has invested a lot in this and genuinely thinkks the world of me. She has given me the sort of love, guidance, attention and encouragement I never had from family, and more than that, she has taught me to start giving this to myself and take pride in what I myself do. She has given me strength to believe I'm worth something despite my crappy life. I'm very spiritually orientated and she connects with me on a very deep, intelligent and spiritual level as well. I feel like a star when I'm with her - it's an anazing feeling. I am writing here because this relationship is coming to an end - my counsellor told me just four weeks ago that she has to leave the agency due to unforseen circumstances. I am utterly devastated. While I do feel I've come so far with her and don't need her in the same way as I once did, I am going to miss her so much I don't know how to cope. I thought I was over the worst, at least for the time being until she and I actually end, but I saw her last week and I've been thrown into unbearable emotional chaos. I spent Thursday evening and most of the night sobbing uncontrollably and in such despair I questioned being able to live through it all. I remember trying to ask for help (I have spiritual faith) but feeling cut off, I physcially crawled onto a place where I keep my crystals and beautiful shells to try and make contact with it. I was in such acute pain I don't think I knew what I was doing. I woke up yesterday morning feeling no better, sobbing non stop. I made myself go to my son's Christmas nativity even though I felt I couldnt - I didn't honestly want to go as didn't have the emotional strength, but I forced myself. Got there - only to discover he wasn't in it anyway. Then I got an abusive text message from my ex husband cos I'd told him my son's play WASN'T today - I'd thought it was next week. I tried to contact him this morning once I found out but he was in bed and didn't get the message. I've got five more sessions with my consellor and I'm trying to make the most of the time and not let this ending cloud how wonderful the relationship has been, but easier said than done isn't it? You can't do that if it's someone dying so I can't do it now. I guess the difference here is that I never expected to see her forever, she was only ever going to walk with me for a while, but I've grown too attached. I always do. I have so much to give and I end up hurt because I care so much. I care about my counsellor - she's a professional, but I feel I know her as a person. I love her deeply for how much she has helped me, for who she is and the connection we had, for the fact she took such pride in my stories, essays and achievements, for the fact she cared so much when I was at the funeral of my Great Niece recently that she played a beautiful classical piece of music that I gave her while I was there, to connect with me. She is the first person I've really connected with and felt closest to in my life and the resulting grief is devastating. It is also bringing up other losses but this is the main issue at the moment and while I found this site, even though my grief isn't conventional. I haven't really got anyone to talk to about this pain because the grief isn't the widely known type, so as a result I feel very isolated. I'd like to talk to/hear from anyone but if anyone is struggling with grief over losing a therapist I'd especially love to hear. Thanks for listening.
  13. Yes we can. My brother in law's mother died shortly after his father (I mean in the space of days) and they could find nothing that had actually caused his mother's death. His parents had been together for years and were very close, so we think she died of a broken heart. Equally, many elderly people when moved to a different residential home against their will often give up their will to live.
  14. Lynette I'm so sorry for your losses, I don't know about the dream either but I have a feeling it is common. I just wanted to reach out because it is hard enough to lose one child but two is unspeakable. My niece lost her baby a few weeks ago and she is still in terrible grief. I'm thimking of you.
  15. Thank you Carol Ann, I really appreciate it. I'm not good today, just dreading the goodbye so much. We had such a strong connection that I'm going to miss her unbearably. Thanks for your thoughts
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