Scorpio

Thank you for your thoughts, I'm actually pretty computer savvy, but seem to have trouble responding your response. Probalby because my hands are still shaking, My apologies for what is probably multiple postings. I thought I came to terms with my mother some time ago, looks like I have more to work on. My brother, who wasn't there, called me today. He didn't really know what happened, but offered support and reminded me that he's there for me. We'll see, I have my husband and children and am starting to pull this all together. I'm so glad I found it, I feel relief having a place to share my feelings, hopefully I can offer support to someone else here. W

On Christmas morning, my entire extended family (35 plus people) gathered at my sisters house for breakfast. After breakfast, my siblings and I were summoned by my mother into the Living room so she could give us her gifts. There were about 20 of us there, the rest were wandering in, and my mother held her court, she said that she was giving gifts this year that weren't new, things that were in her house that she wants us to have. She then said that two of the gifts were sad and two weren't. She pointed to my sister and I as the recipients of the sad gifts. I wasn't sure what to expect but waited my turn, my sister went first with her sad gift, it was a figurine that had been my grandmothers. My mother told the story of the figurine, we all kind of laughed and then is was my turn. I was relieved that my sisters gift really wasn't sad, just a memory of my grandmother. My Father passed away 5 years ago and I guess I was expecting something relating to him. I opened my "gift" it was a plate that had a image of a little girl that had the same name of my baby that was stillborn 9 years ago. My mother had told me some years ago that she wanted to give me that plate someday, which I was touched by. At first I didn't know what it was, so my mother told me to turn it over to look at the name, at that moment I realized what it was, and immediately went into a panic state. I took the plate and handed it to my husband and left the room. There was nowhere to go, the house was full. It triggered a grief inside me that was overwhelming, right in front of everyone. I wanted to (needed to) leave immediately, but my kids were there; I hadn't given out any gifts, had nowhere to go, so I sucked it up and went back to the room. No one said anything to me, everything continued as before, everyone else opened gifts. After about 30 minutes my sister asked me if I was okay, I said no, not even a little bit okay, and that was it. I had to leave before I collapsed in front of everyone. We packed up and started to leave, I spoke to both my sisters, and told them how upset I was and how I couldn't believe Mom did that to me in front of everyone. My sister responded, you know, Mom meant well, she's just trying to show you that it's not forgotten. I said are you kidding me, a public show like that, how is that a gift, and how exactly was I supposed to react? I also said that I am really upset and I’m not going to suck it up so my mother would feel better. My mother knew I was upset and went to my husband, not me, to explain. She said, you know I didn't mean to get her so upset, my husband said what you did to her was cruel. My mother then ran to my niece, (who is a 37 year old adult) crying. My sister also talked to my husband and told him she couldn’t believe that he said that to our mother. My mother has done things like this to me many times before, airing my personal business, heart breaks and disappointments to just about anyone she was talking to. That was incredibly painful, there was nothing I could do then, I would tell her how embarrassing and hurtful it was to which she would respond, you are just too sensitive. But this line that she crossed was just too much, how exactly was I supposed to react? The plate, which was promised to me when the baby died was something that I did consider special and I appreciated that my mother had it displayed in her Living Room. To have received it privately would have been special, to receive it so publicly and on Christmas, was devastating. This plate and the circumstances triggered a well of grief that has been very difficult to control, I left my sisters and had to immediately host a dinner at my own house for my husbands family, so I had to keep it together. But later that night and since then, I’ve been a wreck, and a crying mess. The hardest part about all of this is that no one has called me to ask how I am or anything. I’m in a state of disbelief, how could no one contact me to check on me? The grief is bad enough the abandonment is so hurtful. What do I do now, just continue with my family and act like everything is okay? How did this become all about my mothers feelings?