Haley

To All When my MOM left me a year and half ago I am not sure if she new she was going, it also started with her going to the doctors and one thing led into another, and the next thing you no they have hospice in there trying to talk to us about it all. I know the doctors talked to her but at the time they were talking to her I just wonder if she new what they were really saying I had a professional come in and they say she did but I just wonder all the time if she new she was leaving and that made he stop talking I am trying my best to think in a good way but at times like the holiday times its hard I am here alone and I miss ny MOM so much that I hurt all the time, I get this feeling like some body is stomping on my heart, I have had many of conversations with Shell on this board and thanks to her once again. I hope we all are making it this holiday season hang in there we are all hurting. Thanks Haley

Shubom My name is Haley and I swear you have just replayed my life over, really I lost my MOM April 2006 and my older sister (my best friend) moved away to Maryland and my younger sister moved away to tampa and took my nephews that I watched all the time they were with me all the time, and my brother lives in New york, I am stuck in Inverness where MOM left me while everybody is moving and esploring there lives without me I mean we all were so close that I live in Germany and moved back to Inverness because we missed each other so much and no they are all moving on with there lives my younger sister got married to a guy who is awful and I bit my tongue and went with my kids and it hurt so bad I cried so bad and wished MOM was there but I also feel like they are past all that with them hurting over MOM leaving its like it does not bother them. I pass MOMs house and that does not help no other way arounsd that. I also am ready for change and I am not sure who, what where when why and how. I have a poem I will type in next time I am on it helps I have to read it all the time just to help Thanks Haley

We all Grief in different ways, my MOM left me April 2006 with me by her side and still am and always will be,but I can not get past that day in any way I do not talk about this anybody at all not a word I cannot do that except you Shell. I also am dreading the holidays I have my 3 boys but thats is for the holidays and its to hard not that my boys are not goiod enough they are the best..... I miss my MOM and all and we never bought gifts we just made time for each other and the time was priceless the best and nothing. My boys are at the age where they are mom go away we want ot hang otu with friends man I feel so LONELY. Birthdays are awful also when you are so use to things one way and than the next there are different MOM use to call mine in to the radio station and sing to me in a funny voice nothing. As the holidays are coming fast we all need to hang on to each other and get ready for the roller coaster ride. Some how some way we will all make it and move on to the next stage of the saddness in our lives. Thanks Haley

clrw I also have lost a parent and its is my MOM in 04/06 and it still hurts today I am still numb, but my brother gave me a phrase that I live by everyday " GOD DOES NOT WANT s*** IN HEAVAN HE ONLY WANTS THE BEST " that why my MOM went up there I am a mom my self and think about how my kids would feel if I left them and no way no how and no will do but if it helps you just remember we are all here for you and each other Just think that oyu and your MOM could be together helpping each other out together even if you sit and cry. I know what you mean with people saying you have another parent I hear that all the time with my boyfriends MOM but you are right she is not my MOM and I am not going to replace my MOM not now not ever it jsut shows how rude people can be Hang in the there Haley

YOu are so right people that are not going thru it have no idea and it makes it all the worse. Hang in there and follow your heart, do what you feel you should be doing. God will only give yiou what you can handle. you we always there for you MOM and you will continue. How are your babies doing hang in there Shell are soulders and ears are here for you haley

Hey everybody It is always so hard to say good bye, and we never want to at all as some know I lost my MOM over a year ago and it is still killing me I was with her and in rjb445 you were in a way through the birth of your daughter I bet if you look in to your daughters eyes when you are sad and thinking hard about you MOM you will seee her and talk to her sounds weird but just try it might help. Hang in there you will have good days and bad days but just do the best you can. Haley P.S. hey sorry to everybody for not checking in lately just lost and still trying to figure out who, what where when & how.

Mcky Sorry to hear about you loosing your mother. Its sound like you need to talk toa professional and have them explain things to you. I do not believe you have your self to blame you said that your mother forgave you and thats between youand your mother. Just hang in there and as soon as you can talk to a professional.

Hi ALL I have a few questions that I was wondering if I am the only one that feels this way. To begin with my MOM left me April 9, 2006 and her birthday is April 11. So WHAM huh well I am try to cope but as we all know its hard and not a bit easy but here is my first question. 1. Am I crazy to still feel selfish even this amount of time I can not acept that she is in a better place cause she is not here with me. 2. What about the voice I try so hard to talk to her but nothing in return no sign no nothing am I looking to hard or just not to that part in my life yet. 3. I am still feeling that she needs to be here even if she was hooked up to machines and not breathing on her own at least I could touch her and talk to her and feel her and look at her and just be with her. Is thatmean that Ithink like that or is that normal I just want ot feel her talk to her Ido not feel if she was here that I would need her to talk back but jsut to feel her talk to her let her no that I love her and that I need her her with me, Iam not done growing and needing her. I hear people tell me that I can talk to her and have he proud of me but its not the same, I tell people that I want ot be kept alive no matter what so that I can be felt touch and talked to even if I can not talk back it does not matter. 4. Why will I not talk to anybody over this I claim up and stop speaking and will have nothing to do with that person if they start. 5. Finally is anybosy eklse have family members that are so rude and kick you when you are down about loosing somebody. My sister who is younger than me compares every one that is in her life now to my MOM like he5r low life looser boyfriends mom and just htings like that its nuts I am ready to go off on her and let her have it I am redy to tell her that no body is like MOM not now not ever. Well thanks for taking the time and reading this some times it helps to just write and get it off our chests huh. Thanks Haley

Hey Everybody Well Its only a few days away from when my MOM left me and I am going nuts its like the Roller Coaster Ride starts over again. I am going nuts, all I can picture and think about is from the night I got the call of her being put in the hospital March 26, 2006 up until they took her from me April 9, 2006 . man I want to scream my lungs out and cry and go nuts. I do not no what I am going to do I am going to have a nervous break down. I close my eyes and it all plays in my mind and I try to sleep and I can not I try talking to her and nothing I I really do not no what to do. I am so scared to come up to the day April 9 I am going to freak really I am. I am having anixety attacks and my mind goes blank except the picture of my MOM from the dates above. how can i get through this what can I do please somebody give me advice I am actually leaving the state so that I do not hurt anybody that I love or care about here and I am taking that time off from work I will not be anygood to them and I need my job I do not need to put that in to jeopardy well if anybody has any input in this please tell me. Thanks Haley

Hey Everyone I am needing a shoulder to lean on it is coming very close to the year of my MOM leaving me. What in gods name do I do help I am choking up already and my stomache is in knots and I am a reck. I feel so alone and depressed and going crazy I thought I was doing ok but the other day I was looking at the calander and saw the month of March and April (MOM got real sick in March and left me in April) and on top of that her birthday is 2 days after she left me I want to crawl in a hole and stay I am a reck. I still have ger ashes and all but man I am scared and lost I want my MOM back. Thanks Haley

To All I thank you from the bottom of my heart and I really take to heart what everyone has said to me about this. I am still so mixed up to me its likehow can I take her to the cementary where she said she wanted to be burried next to her dad (my grandfather) (the best man in the world) and when my grandmother passes she is going to be there also but how can I put her in the ground and cover her up with dirt how thats my question and why would I want to I no it is what MOM wanted but she never said when. I wrote my brother a letter a few weeks ago and asked him what he thought and I have talked to my sister (Heidi) and I am no it is up to me but I am starting to wonder if I will ever be ready also the cementary is up in New York and I am in Florida so how can Igo and see her the whole her you no but I also am starting to think that I am not being fair to her by keeping her in my house and I have talked to her all the time I still do I have asked her to let me know that she is ok but I don'e see where she is letting me no that she is ok. and to make matters worse next onth it will be a year oh man I am choking up already bad I have been ok this year up until now and I am starting to look at dates and all man this hurts bad. I thought about maybe on the day of the year but I am not sure I can. I really am at a lost of this I have heard so many things abot this and all but nothing makes it any easier. Thanks Haley

Daddylivesforever As everone else Welcome. We all are going thru the same things (kinda) and it helps to be able to come and talk (type) and get things off or chest and not be judged, the people here are great they really give you advice that makes you think and try and listen. We all here understand in a way that we can cry on each others shoulders. We are here for you. Thanks Haley

Annette Thank you and I also have a little heart with part of my MOM in them and I also got one for all of my family and they have theres but my question is what about the rest I have her with me and it hurts so bad to know that she will be put away from me and I will not beable to wake everyday and see her its bad enough that she left me but I have wrote my brother a letter asking him his thoughts on it all and I no my sisters thought on it but its me what about me I no that I am not suppose to be selfish but man it is so hard I have always been there for MOM just like she was and is there for me how can Iput her int he ground and cover her up I think I would hit rock bottom butI am not the only one in the family so it is up to all of us but it seems like they have hte same opinion and mine alone is different. They say it is only right top let her rest in peace. Well I donot bother her or anythngI just feel alittle comfort knowing she is with me. I know there is no real answer but how does one do what the other want????? Thanks Haley

Annette Thanks I just found out that they have that kinds of things I have a little heart that I got one for me and one for everybody (all 5 kids and my grandma and my Aunt) but I feel that it is not enough for me I don't have that answer of why but I feel like I need her with me. I also can not believe they actually burry them that sound funny I know but I have never had to go through this before I mean I have but I was so little I do not remember I mean they actually put them in the ground and put dirt over them and than I was told that I could put her in a wall but I can not go and take her out when Iwant can I? I mean its like the finale step and thats that how can I do that? I like your idea but I am so rough oin things I would lose it or what ever I am on the go all the time and if I ever lost it I would lose my self well anyway I have my heart in a MOM box with a saying on it. I really just want my MOM I am doing ok I guess but hey I have no choice in the matter. I hate that thought of not having that choice but thats the man aboves choice and It helps to no he takes the best and only the best it just shows MOM was and is and will always be the best. Thanks Haley

It is 8 months today for my MOM and I am still as numb today as I was 8 months ago so I agree there is no time frame and if someone says there is than they have no idea about love and feelings because we as people can not turn off emotions and I do not want to. Just because they are not here with us does not mean they are not with us and we have to stop feeling for them, I have no idea of stopping. I have encountered some weird feelings lately like going back to the church where we had the service and I lost it I cried the hole hour non stop nat a dry moment from the very first step i took in the church until I left down the street. Weird huh I know but I could not stop I tried but could not stop I was with my sister and she was fine but I lost it. I still can not talk about my MOM out in the open I claim up and thats that with me I am still in the numb mode. Thanks Haley