marcplum

Arlene, I frequently view the posts in this forum but rarely comment as I fear that my observations are not always well received. Your post however touches me and inspires me to offer some insights from my perspective. It has been noted repeatedly in this forum that absolutely no one can tell you how you should cope with your loss and that revelation has helped me greatly. The people who suggest to you a specific duration for tears and associated elements of the grieving process are simply ill informed and sometimes even brutally harsh. This is the third holiday season without my Lisa and the depth of my grief has not diminished. The thing that amazes me is the variety of triggers that induce the tears to flow. It can be a book, a song, a smell, a memory, a visual, and a list which seems to be endless. The only thing I can offer by way of encouragement is to not be surprised by your tear triggers, but allow yourself all the time you need to work through the process. Peace be with you, Marc

Zeeks, I have read your post a number of times. It touches a subject, that for me at least, is difficult to repond to. It should not be that hard to share with anyone who would listen, just how much I loved my wife, and yet as time unfolds I just figure no one wants to hear my sad story anymore. But I am glad you were able to say what you did in your post, it makes me realize that no matter how much time goes by, I will always love my wife. Stay strong, you are not disappearing, you are transfiguring. Marc

Melina, It is hard to believe how well you have stated many of the same things that I have felt over the past two years. No, the marriage between my Lisa and me was not perfect. In fact I am quite sure it was her own goodness that saved us more than once. Yes the challenges of working, surving, raising a family and an abundance of other elements has a tendancy to distract us from the one we have committed ourselves to, and yes it is only now in the reality of their absence do we fully comprehend how precious it is what once we had. In fact my own guilt has led me on occasion to post some rather dark and brooding thoughts here, and for that I have regret. The fact that you have shared such depth of emotion in your post signifies to me that you were the best wife you could be. In my own reflections, I know in my heart that through out the duration of my wife's illness, I was given the opportunity to tell her repeatedly every day how much I loved her and how blessed I was that she allowed me to share her life with her. I hope that you were able to convey that to your husband and that it brings you peace. I hold onto the belief that somewhere, somehow, that those who have gone before us are waiting for us and will receive us in the fullness of time. I pray that you hold on tightly to the good things and keep guilt at bay. Marc

Mary, Good for you. I hope your lack of visibility here is breif because you are so willing to respond in a positive way with so many who post here. Many good wishes to you, Marc

There is a painting by Edvard Munch entitled "The Scream". The image in the painting is that of a man with his hands clasped to his head and his mouth is locked in an agonizing, silent scream. That image is representative of me as well as every one who contributes and participates in this forum. July marks the end of the second year of my wife's passing and the agony of that event is as brutal now as ever. The one thing that keeps me in focus is our children, the blessings of our union. Even though they are themselves adult and independant, I choose to be present for them as much as possible, and as much as they will allow. They continually demand that I take care of myself, even though I selfishly would rather not. I must confess that I view life now as a dull progression of days awaiting some new catasrophe to strike. I have come to the conclusion that the lonliness that envelopes me is the force that mandates how I function. I believe all contibutors to this forunm would like to be able to post positive and encouraging sentiments, however this is also a good place to simply vent and I am grateful for it.

Mary, I am not sure why I am responding to your post. I think it must have to do with your unique gift of understanding. I am in a particularly dark place at the moment but your post gives me a degree of peace. Thank you, Marc

Thank you for the guide, it is spot on. I shared it with my 25 year old niece who lost her husband to suicide last month. Marc

Debbie, Your post is so well articulated and it encompasses a large part of the spectrum of the statements made by everyone on this forum at one time or another. It is striking that each of us has experienced the identical elements that you mention. I have felt the anger you feel, I have been lonely in a room full of people, and I also wonder what good can come from the loss of my wife. It leads me to believe that the only galvanizing human experience is the loss of someone you love above all others. We are all unique in every facet of lives, and the common denominator is the grief we find ourselves inextricably immersed in. It has been my experience in the last sixteen months, that only on this forum do I find full understanding from people who know exactly the depth of my pain. You mention in your post that you feel a need to connect. That resonates so deeply wwith me, and I am sure others as well. This forum is just such a place to make that connection. Please know that even though not everyone will reply to your post, you will have the deepest empathy of everyone who reads it. Blessings, Marc

Janine, there is not much I can add to the posts you have already received. Everyone who has responded to you at this point have articulated perfectly well the nature of this forum. The one comment that resonates so resoundingly was written by Mary, and it is this, or at least my interpretation of it. Your tragedy is terribly fresh and everyone around you is sensitive to your circumstance. In a shockingly short time, close friends and perhaps even family, in an effort to diminish your pain, will try to encourage you to be strong and carry on with your life. They will not be as receptive to grieving with you as they are now. This is not an indictment of the people in your life, merely a statement of fact. Every one on this site recognizes that your experience is singularly unique, and not a single one of us will ever tell you that everything is going to be alright, because it isn't. Life will continue as surely as the sun rises, but you are forever changed in ways you cannot imagine. The place I come to when no one else seems to care, is right here, among strangers who have become friends because of our shared life transition. I hope you can find solace and courage here as I have, and for as long as you need it. My favorite bit of wisdom I have learned through this ordeal is this quotation, "God knows you have the right to grieve, but no one except you has the right to determine how long that process should last". Marc

Cheryl, Thanks for your inquiry. It sounds like you may have some debris in your sprinkler system lines. If you can, remove the three problem heads. Make sure no dirt or gravel falls into the pipe openings when the heads are off. You may want to attach a small piece of rubber hose that it slightly larger than the pipe diameter comming out of the ground, be sure that this piece of hose extends at least 12" above ground level, this will prevent unwanted contaminates from entering the system during the flushing process. After you have done this, turn water on full pressure to the system. You should see a small geyser at each opening. Turn the water off and replace the heads. This should flush the system clean. You may have to repeat the process at least once. Small bits of gravel and sand may push up against the heads when the water is on, and when the water is off, these bits of debris fall away from the opening in the heads and the water remaining in the lines may take a while to completely evacuate. This may account for the noise and vibration resonating through the sprinkler lines and into the distribution lines within your house. There should be a vacuum breaker array at the control point of your sprinkler system, this should prevent irrigated water from reentering your domestic water source. I hope this helps, Marc (PS, the Vegas I live in is located in New Mexico, not Nevada)

Cheryl, Kudos to you for taking the inititave on your repair project. I believe that we all have discovered that we must take positive action in tackling all the mundane issues that confront us, even if that positive action may include a few mistakes along the way. FYI, for you, and anyone else who may be interested, I am a plumbing and heating contractor. I may be able to provide some technical assisstance in these areas if you ever find the need. Actually it would bring me great pleasure to be able to help in a tangible way. Marc

Di, Your post has to be the most tragic I have read on this forum to date. You win! Now that I have your attention, your stance on religion should have no bearing on your participation in this site. It is my understanding that everyone is welcome here so that they may find solace in others who know first hand your pain. Your posts have encouraged many who visit this site, try not to let your grief block your ability to reach out to others. It is only by helping others, can we begin to help ourselves. Marc

Pam, my deepest condolence on your loss. Given the fact that your loss is so very recent, you are very much in our thoughts and prayers. You are beginning a chapter in your life that at times will feel impossible to cope with. You can do it. I lost my father two months prior to the passing of my wife, so I felt particularly drawn to your post. As much as I admired and loved my Dad, his passing did not have the same impact on me as did the loss of my dear wife. I wish you courage and peace for the comming days. Marc

Hi Suzanne, Vent all you want, we need to be able to do that. Nothing you say can offend anyone here, we all share your thoughts. It is fascinating that each of us are so uniquely in a place of such despair, and yet we are all bonded by the same emotions. I too share your position that I don't want to feel better, it just is not where I want to be. That statement, taken by itself, would seem absurd to the world that has yet to be impacted by what we have. I think perhaps that this anguish is a validation of the depth of love and committment to the one we loved. I know that I don't have answers, just know that I can fully appreciate everything you posted. Marc

Hello Everyone, 7-20-2011 marks one year since my Lisa passed. Even though we lost her in the days before this date, the actual cessation of life, the brutal finality of that moment is an event that is as stark now as it was one year ago. No one has a salve or the ability to assuage that grief. I say this not with rancor, but rather as a part of the reality all of us must share. I simply want to remind as many people as possible that she lived, she was our center and our compass, and she was and is still loved beyond the limitations of this mortal state. Marc