Hello Jesismom!
Your post caught my eye because my little girl's name is Jessi and she is now 13 born in October. Not many spell Jessi with just the i at the end.
First let me say how sorry I am for your loss of your only child. There are just no words good enough to express a tragedy like this.
I know your heart is breaking and all you long for is your daughter.
My son was taken from us instantly in a car wreck. He just turned 20 years old and one month later he was gone. A very special boy. IT was a dark night on an unfamiliar road that he was taking my nephew home and didn't see a stop sign and the curving of the road. His car hit into a ditch which sent the car airborn and hit into an old tree.
Losing him has left our family so empty. My heart breaks new every day to just see him, to hear his sweet voice, to touch him.
I am no longer the same.
It's like when you lose a child you lose your identity as a mom.
I was so lost inside.
Time does not heal the pain or make it all vanish away. Only having our child back could do that. But time does help us to learn how to cope.
We function, first like a robot it seems, just going through the motions with no feelings in it, but in time we learn how to cope with this new way of life, a life without our child.
Of course we carry them in our hearts and oh how sweet it is to have a dream of them. At least in a dream you can see them and hear them.
Writing was always a big part of my life and after this I just could not write but then I began slowly but at least I began. I am so glad I did. Journaling does help. You can get out a lot of emotions on paper.
God helped me, even though I felt like God had vanished with my son, He had truly never left me and He is there for you too. He provides the strength needed to face each day.
I planted a lot of flowers. Seemed like getting my hands into the soil helped me. Seeing the new flowers grow gave me peace somehow.
Sitting at my son's grave I really felt the closest to God and felt peace there because there I was able to weep openly and talk openly to my son.
Being part of a grief support helps also. Talking with others who truly understand this heartache, makes you feel you're not alone.
Keep us posted on how you are doing.
My heart goes out to you.
~rose~