kelzo

I just read your post. I am so sorry you lost your only sister. I understand how hard it is. Believe me! I lost my big Brother in 2010. There is a shock on you now, naturally. You are just going through normal human emotions of losing a close member of your family. But there is goodness in this, you just have to be open to it. She passed peacefully and in the most beautiful way. (We should all be so lucky!!)You are a strong woman and will get through this. I don't know how old you are or who you have in your life to lean on, but in my experience, God is the BEST place to start!! He never puts more on us than we can handle. Please believe that! Press through this and stay above water. The shock of losing her will eventually lessen with time and you will start to recover and heal. We all go through this. At one time or another, we all do. You are not alone. MAke a list of the things you need to do. MAke your sister proud of you and handle everything with dignity and grace. Peace be with you honey. xo

Losing your Sister has been hard, I know from experience. I lost my Big Brother not long ago. But I am sure she would not want you feeling like this. I too am always battling these feelings you are experiencing, but then my Mother always clears my head by saying, "You know your Brother would not want you feeling this way at Christmas. He would want you happy and cheerful and enjoying your life." And as hard as that is sometimes, it's a choice we must all make in life. Enjoying our lives and remaining happy even though we have lost someone dear to us is not dishonoring them or dismissing the feeling we have, it's about us continuing to live and enjoy OUR lives in their honor. That's how I am living my life. It's a choice I had to make. And it's a choice you must make. I recommend you do some cooking and preparing just as she did. Do it in her honor!! Make her proud of you! I'm sorry you are hurting.

April, I'm so sorry to hear about your Brother. Life is just not fair sometimes, I know. But the fact that you are on this site, talking about it, shows that you are a fighter and that you are strong!! You can't ever allow this event, although a huge one, to define the rest of your life. You have a very bright future ahead of you, so keep doing what you are doing. It does get easier. Ben has been gone now for over a year and although I think about him everyday, the sadness and the grief in my heart is not as pronounced as it was. But if I allow myself to go to that dark place of remembering, it comes back and consumes me. I know my Brother and I'm sure your's, would want us living on productive lives, happy lives, knowing we will be reunited with them again, when the time comes. I will keep you in my prayers and ask for your peace and wellness. Kelzo

Thank you. Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I am including Ben in our wedding ceremony. An empty chair, a while rose, and dedicating the entire wedding in his memory, listed in the program. I guess it's just time to grow up and realize that people do die. People come into our lives and they leave. That we must live everyday we have here to the fullest. I know this. My head knows this, but my heart still aches. Thank you for your words.

I am new to this group. I was looking around for a place to talk and found this website. My Brother Ben passed away on Oct 20th last year, 2010. The 1 year is this Thursday and I am feeling very fragile. Ben had cancer. He was diagnosed in July of 2009. He lived with this for 15 months and fought harder than anybody I have ever known! NEVER, did he complain to any of us. He was so brave. What an example he was to me and the rest of our family with regards to courage and bravery. The last 3 months of his life, he kind of stopped communicating with us. Just text messages and occasional phone calls to our parents. He was so tired and was in so much pain. The cancer was in his bones. As I'm sure you all know, it's so painful to know your Brother is hurting and not be able to do a damn thing about it. We had a wonderful family vacation in June 2010. He had so much fun.We sat on the beach with our parents and other Brother (younger)who played guitar under the tent while the cool breeze blew on all of us. Long days and early nights. Very memorable. That is the way I'd like to remember Ben, smiling, laughing, all that. He loved Mother's cooking and ate it up on that trip. We scheduled a family reunion for Oct 16th 2010. Ben chose the date. All the cousins and aunts and uncles would all drive in to see one another, but the truth was, we were all coming in to see Ben. SO when we left him in June, he looked great! He was doing EVERYTHING he could to survive. With his diet, his chemo, you name it, he was doing it! 3 months went by and October rolled around. I knew that he had been having a hard time through conversations he had with Mom and Dad. He kinda withdrew from me a bit. Only texting every now and then. The reunion was upon us and we were all very excited to see him. When we arrived, he had completely changed. He looked like a different person. He was so doped up on drugs that I did not even know if he knew I was there. IS this really happening?????? OMG, my Brother is dying right in front of me!! (Is all I could think.) He was poolside and family that had arrived earlier was all around him. I walked up and knelt down to hug him. I stayed right beside him for the rest of the day. Holding his hand, rubbing his arm, getting him water if he needed it. We all knew what was happening. As sad as it was, we were ALL there and that was what mattered. And HE KNEW IT! My parents and son and I and younger Brother sat around him before we left for the night and prayed on him. He closed his eyes and let us do this. He was not very spiritual, but we are. The reunion weekend had started and we went to our rented house. I went to my room and cried my eyes out. The last time I saw Ben he looked great! He had flown into the town where we had our vacation last June and was fine....how could he be like this in just 3 months?? God Bless HIM, he got dressed and went to the reunion location. My fiance' and younger Brother helped him up the stairs and he sat with everyone for a couple hours. He was so out of it. He went home (a mile way) and laid down. He was hungry, so Mom made him grits and sausage early in the a.m. As I walked in to bring him the food, he was crying. Tears streaming down his face. It was all too much! I'll never get that image out of my head!! My sweet, beautiful, talented Brother, in so much pain. I stayed with him for a little while and then went back down to our rental. I laid my head in my Mothers lap and cried like a baby. SO did she. We were losing Ben. It was never more clear to me than it was at that moment. We went to him later in the morning and left back for Atlanta. Planning to come back in 2 days. In 2 days, Ben had entered hospice care. The minute I heard, I jumped in my car and made the 5 hour drive. When I got there, he was in the bed with an oxygen task attached to his face. I don't even want to tell you what I heard coming from his body, but it horrified me to my very core. My parents arrived soon after me and we all sat in the room with Ben. I held his hand and stroked his forehead. He left this world an hour after we arrived. He waited for us. He also waited for the reunion. He held out as long as he could. It's amazing to me that a persons will can be so strong that they can actually keep themselves alive. I miss this man so much. My big Brother. I am getting married on 11.11.11 It would have been Ben's 48th Bday. My parents are doing ok. My Father is who we really worried about. We are all still very raw. It's always right there on the surface for me. I'm not comfortable with this kind of pain. Thursday at 6pm will be 1 year. Any advice for me and my family? Please somebody tell me it get's easier. I think about Ben every day of my life and still find myself in disbelief that he is gone for good. This really happened. It was not a bad dream. I feel like my self is still accepting this happened in pieces because accepting it all at once is too much. (sigh)