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Miss Ngu

Contributor
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About Miss Ngu

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Hilo, HI

Previous Fields

  • Date of Death
    5/12/11
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA
  1. Family Estrangement after Death

    Hi -- I am always happy someone writes on this thread. Well, happy isn't really what I feel, because I know how painful this subject has been for me -- but at least someone else is willing to share their story -- and I don't feel so alone. First, let me say I am so sorry you are going through all of this, and I hope you are recovering well from your accident. You also lost a good support in your mother-in-law. She sounds like she was a good woman to help you, and to love your husband so much, and him being a "mama's boy" shows just how much he loved her. I see that your husband is her youngest child, and am a bit confused about your statement that his siblings have not lost THEIR mother yet, so please forgive me if my response assumes anything incorrectly. I also don't have many good answers for this situation, as I am still estranged from my sister and her family, and my brother is deceased. Thankfully, I still have a good relationship with our 86-year-old dad. I can say that I was extremely close with both of my parents growing up, and considered my dearly departed mom to be my very best friend. What I have learned, in my situation, is that since my birth, my siblings have harbored a great resentment and jealousy towards me. They were 8 and 10 years old when I was born, and I got LOTS of attention -- so I don't really blame them, but I always wished they could've really loved and accepted me. Maybe his siblings also harbor some resentment towards their youngest brother, given the closeness he had with her -- that both of you had with her. Unfortunately, I do feel that withholding their communication and love is a kind of punishment from them -- like -- you've had enough attention already -- in their eyes. Maybe I'm wrong, but these original childhood grudges seem to extend into adulthood, and no matter what is said or done, "redemption" for me hasn't been possible, to overcome their deep-seated feeling towards me. I also held the belief that blood was thicker than water, and that family was everything. It is difficult to speak about this to most people, as they don't share this experience with their family. Still, there are PLENTY of people who also suffer this situation. When I went to hospice counseling (which by the way is free), the counselor said that she sees this type of behavior from families all the time, and I felt very understood by her. If your husband isn't ready to go to a counselor, maybe you will try it out. It's very helpful, and I recommend it highly, to gain more insight and to relieve some more of this pain. Lately, and mind you it has taken me many years, I have been feeling better in my own skin, and choose to share my life with people that actually want me in it, rather than chasing those in my family who I feel "less than" in their presence. It's been empowering to focus on, not what I have lost, but what I have gained from this situation, and that is a greater sense of self worth. This first anniversary will be very difficult, and I wish strength for you, your husband and son.
  2. Family Estrangement after Death

    Thank you, Kay, for your response. You are right that I need not personalize others' behavior, and that acceptance is key. The choices I made regarding my Dad were correct for me, and I wouldn't do anything differently. It would have been nice for my family to just acknowledge and allow it in their minds, and let it be - but that's not what happened. I do need to make sure I don't "take on" what isn't mine. I appreciate your response.
  3. Family Estrangement after Death

    Well...off I go to see a Hospice bereavement counselor tomorrow. I am hoping that I can glean more information into how - and why - my family broke apart after Mom died. If sadness is the root of anger, then I guess I am really sad. I feel sad for my Dad, me, and for my whole family. So much grief has been unleashed since my Mom's passing: my Dad changing, my Mother-in-Law passing from complications of Alzheimer's, my fertility, my family's estrangement, my friend breaking-off our friendship, friend's parents dying. I know that some of this comes along with the aging process. And it all seems to be wrapped up in abandonment (like the Susan Anderson information you turned me onto, Marty). I don't know how much of this falls into the right category for Hospice bereavement, but am looking forward to finding out more.
  4. Grief And Peri-Menopause

    Hi twalkertf - First, please accept my condolences for the loss of your Mom. My Mom also passed in 2011 (May 12th). I am glad that your search on this topic led you here -- and led you to write. There are many views of this topic, so, I figure we are not alone. I don't have much insight into all of this, other than to tell you to hang on for the ride. Loss, grief, confusion, swinging moods, sweating (along with continuing work and marriage) -- so much happening all at once! Taking good care of yourself is essential (like how you would treat and nurture a friend - being gentle with your dear self) -- and remembering that this too shall pass (remembering that the stressors will change - and also to enjoy your time in life, as it is precious). I can tell you that you will love when your period finally goes away (and it will) -- but that too, is a loss. Another one to grieve - and to celebrate. I'm big on getting support, and I found that writing, and reading the many topics, in these groups really helps me. I am also going to see a Hospice bereavement counselor again, as I am moving through more layers of grief, and am hoping for more clarity and focus, now that my hormones are settling down. Sending you support!
  5. Wow, Kay! Such amazingly true words, "If we live our lives trying to please someone else that usually doesn't appreciate it anyway, we lose ourselves in the process". And Marty, I SO agree with "...put on your own oxygen mask first". Great reminders for me. Thank you!
  6. Hi IrIr - thank you for this topic. I am sorry to see that your mom is so ill, and that you are going through this difficult decision. More than anything, it is good to see you are taking care of yourself, and have gone on with your life and created a support system for yourself. I also find it commendable, forgiving, and compassionate that you still care for your mom, even though you say she "has never been able to really acknowledge her lack of reponsisbility as a mother". My family situation is different from yours, in that no abuse occurred from my parents, so I don't mean to make any comparisons. What I can relate to, is what to tell my estranged family (when the time comes) that our 86-year-old dad is dying/or has died. It is good for me to read this situation from your perspective, as I seem to be on the other side of this same coin, as my sister and her family have all stopped communicating with our dad, and me and my husband. If our dad was sick and dying, I probably would let them know, if there was time for them to say their goodbyes, but I am a bit concerned about how they would treat him, as they have said some abusively mean things to him, and I don't know if I'd want to set him up for that if he is in a helpless condition (unless he asks for them, of course). And...when he eventually passes, do I tell them when the service will be taking place? Knowing me, I probably will. I feel that (in their eyes) I can never be "right" whatever I do, regarding my family (as they don't have that kind of space for me or my dad), so I have to do what I can live with. So...back to you and what to do? You say your mom didn't hate you. She probably loves you very much, but might now be in a difficult position - wanting you there, but not wanting the upset that may occur between her children. Your mom is too ill to be left unattended, so private time with her, if you were to visit, is probably not going to happen. It also would be smarter for you to make this journey with a friend, as not to be alone with your family without some support. Whatever you ultimately choose, I hope you make peace with that decision, and that it's one you can live with. My best to you! (Also, thank you for also using the word "abandonment", as this is a new concept for me in regards to estrangement as a kind of death, which needs to be grieved.)
  7. Family Estrangement after Death

    Hi Marty, I found some links you included in a post from 2015 regarding Susan Anderson's work with abandonment, and have been learning a lot about how estrangement is linked to this issue. Just the fact that I am working so hard at finding out information regarding this matter, reminds me that I am a caring and conscientious person. I know that I am at fault in my family's eyes, but I also have never seen them take responsibility for anything -- go to counseling -- ask for help -- or do anything but see their side of the situation to justify their attitudes and behaviors. I always find comfort and resources here. I have also learned not to take the lack of responses personally. Such a big lesson, that is serving me well in my "real" life as well!!
  8. Family Estrangement after Death

    Thanks, Kay, for your kind words, as always! Coming to terms with my family estrangement has been very complicated and painful for me. Thanks for the reminder to take good care of myself, with understanding and patience.
  9. Family Estrangement after Death

    Thank you, Marty, for your comforting words and understanding. Since my family situation shifted into estrangement after my Mom died, I thought I would come back to this grief forum, thinking that there must be others who have gone through this as well. I will keep looking through the topics to find more written on this subject. Thank you for letting me know I am welcome to write here, and that, yes, I am grieving. These discussion groups have helped me so much. I am very grateful to you for this safe space to write and share.
  10. Grief has forced me face all of my fears

    Hi sharirouse, I am so sorry that you are experiencing these feelings - and at such a young age. I feel for you, but can't even imagine how you feel, as it took me so long to be enlightened to the realities of life, and at 55 am still amazed - and appalled, at times, of how people can behave. Please accept my condolences for the loss of your dad. Since my mom died (6 years ago this May), my world shifted as well. I lost family and friends, created fears I didn't even know could exist, and found strength in myself that I didn't know I had (with the lessons I'd learned from my parents, and from my departed angels: my mom, grandmom [mom-mom], and brother). My rose-colored glasses sure have come off! So...no...you are not alone. Thank you for this topic!
  11. Family Estrangement after Death

    Thanks, Kay, for your compassionate response. It means a lot! It also feels good to write, and let this some of this pain out. Sad that family can behave this way. You sure are right about not being able to change people! My door is open, but the trust and respect aren't there - and never really have been - and the honest work it would take isn't something I've seen them do -- but -- you never know what will be. I think I need to move into the "anticipatory grief" section, as these "behaviors in bereavement" have created new fears - like how to deal with my Dad's death without my family? Or -- with them?? I'm not sure if I should be writing here at all, given that my Dad is still, Thankfully, healthy (at age 86). No one is "dying" -- it's the grief of the death of my family - while they are living, that I am experiencing. But, it's not the same as them no longer being on the planet, which is what this forum may be intended for.
  12. After my Mom died, my sister's family no longer approved of how my Dad lived his life. They stopped communicating with him -- and have now stopped talking to me (since I still have a close relationship with him). I have lost most of my family members because we disagree about how an old man, our Dad/Grandpop, should live his life. Family estrangement is the new death that I am now grieving, and for 10 people all at the same time, who no longer speak to me. I read that this is common -- don't know if that is a new thing, or if it always has occurred -- but family ties seem more flexible. I was taught to stick by your family, but apparantly, all don't feel this way -- not even a sibling that grew up in the same household, with the same parents (and in our family, no physical or mental abuse, rape, or murder occurred, Thankfully). Trusting my sister's family didn't work that well for me, but, at least I have some good memories, and know who they are -- and I learned that if you're not with them 100% -- your against them (in their eyes). They have estranged many important people in their lives, so my Dad and I (and my husband) are not the first. As I have previously written...I work two days a week with my sister (my Dad no longer works with us). I didn't just evaporate when I was dismissed. I don't involve myself - other than to say "goodbye" at the end of the day, but I am not interested in opening myself up to them -- just to feel this loss again. I do love them all, and wish them well in my heart and prayers (as it takes more energy to be angry at them, which, ultimately hurts me). So, I get to see that they are alive -- and that is good enough for now. There are other people who care, and have a gracious spirit towards me, my husband, and my Dad -- they just aren't my sister and her family. I sometimes do wonder how they rationalize and communicate their shunning to people who ask them how their Dad and sister are doing? Sorry -- from my perspective, I see it as disgusting on their part. I also pray for their Souls, as honoring Mom and Dad was a Commandment -- and I wasn't willing (even though I'm not ultra religious) to test my fate when I meet my Maker. I hope there are some who will read this and relate to it -- and maybe you'll even write and share what you have experienced -- and, mostly, how you are coping with it. Thanks for reading...
  13. Grief And Peri-Menopause

    ...a little more, Unboundstash, as I re-read your post, I see that your Mom passed away recently. Please accept my condolences. Losing a treasured loved one (on her birthday, no less), and then going right into the holiday season must have been rough. Right after my Mom passed away, my teeth went wacky, and I needed three root canals. When my husband's Mom passed away a few years ago, he had a bout of meningitis. I feel that the grief and strain manifested itself into some physical illness - like a bodily release of sorts. I have been exercising and meditating to reduce stress, which has been very helpful for my overall health. Sending supportive thoughts your way.
  14. Grief And Peri-Menopause

    Hi Unboundstash, I am back on this forum, and thought I'd respond to you. I am glad you are managing your menopausal symptoms, and also glad that you wrote on this thread. I have been in full menopause since 2014 (three years since my beloved Mom's passing). I still get hot flashes occasionally, and agree with you that stress makes it worse. Yes, it was hard to go through such big life changes during a time when my body was also going through big changes, and still hard not having my dear Mom here to guide me through it all. She is, however, always with me in my heart (and my voice and mannerisms are much like hers). May we keep gaining in our emotional strength, confidence, and good heath (with kindness and compassion) as our departed loved ones would want us to.
  15. Well ... here I am -- back again -- with a bit of an update. Looks like the grieving process has led my family to estrangement. Mom died in 2011, and in 2013 my sister told our Dad that he was not "core" family to her (that only her children and their offspring were her core family). After that, my sister and her family stopped communicating with our Dad/Grandpop. Their complaint with him was that he was, and still is, more interested in dating than interacting with family (even though Dad is now 86 years old). Ok -- I was able to maintain a relationship with everyone (separately), until Thanksgiving 2015 when Dad had no holiday dinner plans. I told my sister (the Sunday before Thanksgiving Thursday) that I will need to take Dad out if he has no dinner plans - which is what occurred. Well -- after that, my sister and her whole family started shunning me too. I know this happens in families, but, of course, didn't think it would happen in mine. I have had some time to deal with this estrangement, and know that I did what I needed to do for my Dad and for my Soul (not to mention for my dearly departed Mom who loved my Dad). I am not conflicted in my decisions, and not to deal with my sister's family, as I am not interested in reviving a relationship with them that they can so easily cast aside. I am worth more. I have some good friends, but I know I am more cautious knowing how people can hurt each other so carelessly. Just signing back into this forum gave me some relief knowing I am not alone.
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