Lina

Next month on the 8th it will have been two years since Arthur died and I have to admit it still hurts horribly. I don't feel crazy anymore and I guess it is a bit less sharp...but it still hurts every day. I still cry at every anniversary and holiday. I still need to sleep with his shirt at night and I still ache for just one more hug. Will this ever stop hurting? I am 38 years old and I miss being in a relationship. Sometimes I think about dating again in the future, but I still feel like Arthur's wife and the thought of loving another man feels so alien. Next week he will have been dead longer than we were together. The total sum of our relationship together was one year, eleven months and four days....and then he died. In two days he will have been gone for one year and eleven months. I hate that I am reaching this milestone. This much pain that just does not seem to go away makes it hard to hold onto the hope that it will get better and that eventually it won't hurt so bad....so out of desperation I ask everyone who is further down this path...does it truly get better? Will it ever stop hurting so bad it takes my breath away?

I lost my Arthur 14 months ago. I joined you all shortly after, but found that I was so filled with rage that I could not handle being here. As a young widow I felt so jealous of everyone who had gotten more time with their beloved. I still have moments when I feel angry, cheated and jealous of those who still have their beloveds. I was married to Arthur for 10 months and 4 days before he died at the age of 36. Anyway...I just wanted to let whomever remembers me know I am ok...still struggling at times...this has been a hard spring. We lost my husbands senior German Shepard right around the one year anniversary of my husbands death. That was a real blow, but his other dog Couper is doing well...which is a comfort. I still cry sometimes without warning, I still talk to him, I still feel married to him...even though people keep asking when I am going to start dating again...my answer is always "when I no longer feel like Arthur's wife." As long as I still feel married to my husband I am not going to date anyone else. I hate being called single...I did not divorce my husband...he did not choose to leave me...thus I am not single...not yet. Maybe someday I will feel single again...but for now I accept where I am on this journey and i am giving myself time to heal. I am sorry I left without warning. Everyone was so loving and supportive. I was concerned I would start lashing out at people. The rage was so huge inside me. I am doing better...but as we all know it is a process. I do feel I have made progress...I can now see my blessings...I know how blessed I am to have had the time I did...even if it was too short. I know Arthur could have died before I even met him. Our time together was a gift from God and I am grateful for it. Losing him was the most painful thing I have ever experiences, but that brief window of time was worth the pain. Loving him and being loved by him was worth the pain. When I first lost Arthur I seriously consider suicide...eventually I realized I had to live...my daughter still needs me...just recently I realize I WANT to live. I do not feel done with this journey and I feel confident that Arthur will not go too far ahead of me on his. He sent me a dream and let me know he is right there on the other side of the door, waiting for it to be my time and that he is ok waiting. I am not sure why I felt compelled to write you all...but I needed you to know I am ok...I love you all and I am grateful for all the support you gave me when I was the most lost. Knowing that what I was feeling and experiencing was "normal" helped so much. I was not crazy, I was grieving. Thank you. Love always, Lina

I was 36 when I lost my husband very unexpectedly to heart problems 14 months ago. I did end up joining a young widows group on facebook. Everyone here is very nice and supportive, but I felt I needed to talk to others who had an experience closer to mine. I did not get to spend 40 years with my beloved and found I was having a lot of anger issues come up...and honestly a lot of jealousy...so finding a group of young widows and widowers was helpful to me. I am very sorry for your loss. *hugs*

Arthur has been gone for 14 months and I still talk to him regularly.

I am so very sorry. *hugs*

Honestly unless the house belongs to your son (step-son?) you need to tell him to leave. If the house is yours then you have the right to control what happens in it and how you are treated. He has no right to smoke in your home or disrespect you the way he is. He is causing distress for your grandchildren who in my opinion are more important since they are the children. Also remember that just because a teenager acts like they do not like you does NOT mean they no longer need you...in fact it may well mean they need you more. I tell my daughter it is not my job to be her friend, I am her mom, not her BFF. *GIANT HUGS* You deserve to like YOU....honey remember you are worth loving and liking.

I am so sorry. I am praying and sending lots of healing thoughts....and of course hugs.

*hugs* I am so sorry.

I think it is normal to have days where you just don't function...I truly think it is part of the grieving process. I know I have days where I feel like I have just shut off...I feel numb, brain dead and useless. I have other days where I can't seem to stop crying...and there are days where I seem ok....grieving is not something you are just done with one day...it is a process. *hugs*

Dude is a Cat and I do not feed him people food, but thank you. I sometimes give my dogs tiny amounts of things like turkey, but only tiny amounts.

Congratulations to you and the Glorious Bentley.

*giant hugs* I am so glad you celebrated your anniversary in such a special way.

I did want to add...I know the song is written as a conversation between a widow and her husband, but truly I think it works for anyone who has lost their partner in life. *hugs* I am not in anyway trying to exclude anyone. I am simply writing from the perspective of a widow. *hugs* I honor everyone here. Sending love and *hugs*

I think it looks great. I love that when you post a link from youtube it now shows up in the message. That is a really neat feature I was not expecting when I saw it yesterday.

Dude seems to be doing a better. The vet diagnosed him as having Pancreatitis and said it could flair back up without warning or this could be a one time thing. I am just glad he seems better. He threw up repeatedly for five days and was not eating. Truly he scared me silly. My Dude is what makes my bed bearable. He snuggles with me every night and when I am aching because Arthur is not there Dude purrs me to sleep. Kay I am sorry your dog has been sick. Do you know what is going on with him? I think the thing that makes me so mad about being told I am strong and brave is that I am not...I am simply doing what has to be done. I figure I can give up and commit suicide, drink myself into numbness, take up drugs or some other form of self destructive numbing...but if I do that I am giving up on my daughter. So maybe it is brave and strong to live, to breath, to admit it hurts like all get out...but it is not stronger or braver than the person talking to me would find themselves. By and large we either give up and die or we keep on going. Personally I don't really feel like I have a choice as a mom. I can't give up yet...that is not being strong, that is just putting one foot in front of the other. Enna, thank you for calling Arthur a hero also...it is funny he always insisted he wasn't and I would reply that he did not have to think of himself as a hero, he just needed to remember he was MY hero and that I was proud of him. He was such an amazing mix of strong, brave, tender and determined. He always seemed to know where he was going and what his goal was. I admired that so much in him. I used to ask him if it was possible to love someone too much...he always assured me I could love him as much as I wanted and he would be happy to accept it all. I don't think he realized that my fear was not in loving him in life, but how it would destroy me to lose someone I loved like that. Truly I loved him more than I thought it was possible to love a man. I loved him with my heart, body and soul. Every fiber of me craved to be near him. I missed him when he was at work and always felt overflowing with joy when he walked in the door. I used to snuggle my face into his chest and breath deep, telling him I was trying to absorb him in so that he would never be truly away from me. I was so paranoid about losing him. He was late once from work and did not think to call...he found me in the garden watering his plants sobbing, terrified something had happened...he ALWAYS called after that. I felt insane about him. It scared me how much I loved him. I used to ask him if I made him feel smothered and he assured me that he loved it...honestly though if there was anyone who needed love like that it was Arthur. He clung to me the way I clung to him. We were each others universe. I told him he was the most wonderful gift from God and that I would always be grateful. I am still grateful, even though this hurts so much. Have you heard the song "little talks" by Monsters and Men? That song always makes me cry...but I have to say that it expresses the experience of being a widow so eloquently. It contains a conversation between a widow and her dead husband...so heart wrenching. (Here is a link to the song with Lyrics: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=onsvUSp_y_I )