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Grief Healing Discussion Groups

hopediva

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    2
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  • Date of Death
    5/21/2011
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

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  • Location (city, state)
    Foxborough, MA
  1. I agree with you. It's one thing to go through a miscarriage (I have had 5 and a stillborn birth) but it's another to see someone you are close to continue with all the things you were looking forward to. The plans. The way that we all make room for a new one. Someone else is still doing that, where-as you are still dealing with the shock and changes of going back to being yourself before you were pregnant. Everything, (no matter how small) reminds you that you are no longer pregnant. If you have a headache and you look into the medicine cupboard, you automatically reach for the tylenol instead of the ibuprofen. Or when the waitress comes to ask if you would like something to drink and you hesitate, realizing that you are not longer restricted from alcohol. Every pregnant woman you see grates on the nerves. Their happiness is like a direct hit to a tender area deep inside. I hate to say that I understand. How inadequate. No one honestly does. No one. Husbands really can't comprehend it on the same level we do when we are carrying a child. They may be thinking of it as a change. But it's a "In 8 more months..." Or "We will have to look for a car with a back seat." It's not in the same intimate way a woman does. They aren't altering the most personal space (your body) with the anticipation of new life. They are altering their bedroom or house. As involved as a husband can try to get, they are still an extra on the set until the moment that new life is placed into their arms. That's when it really hits them. That's when they are able to participate. When they loose sleep. When it begins to take on a new meaning. Before that. Even with the kicking and throwing up and every other physical symptom that is associated with pregnancy. They still can't participate in it. They feel the loss too. It's just not the same. They see their spouse struggling and can't fix it. They alter their plans too, but with a going forward mentality. More of a "What's done is done" outlook. Unfortunately it feels extremely callus and distant. That is also how they deal with it. My husband has been very careful not to talk about our losses. He skirts the subject in public and won't participate in private. Sometimes I think this is how he deals with it. How he comes to terms with it. A lost possibility that he shouldn't dwell on. It feels very different to me. Anger is such an intense emotion. Hurt seems so passive. With anger I have always felt more in control. That somehow I was able to harness my feelings and direct them. Intense exercise or exertion seems to be the only way to completely drain it though. Running flat out, punching bags, screaming into a pillow. All seem pointless, but they let off steam on the pressure cooker. I can't imagine how difficult it would be to live with someone who was pregnant at this time. It's almost been a year since my daughter died (from stillbirth) and I still can't look a pregnant woman in the eye at the supermarket. Luckily my sister has no children, although she can't relate to my situation with the pregnancy, miscarriages and stillbirth she has always been open and honest about not knowing what to say to me about it. There is something reassuring in that honesty. That she will listen when I call at 2:00 am crying or vent my frustrations in an angry email. That she loves me anyway, but that she can't fix it. That she will hurt because she sees me hurting. Although it feels like something stitched on a pillow. There is every possibility of you having a normal birth in the future. Sometimes that seems so far away. So inanimate, intangible. I hope everything works out for you and your husband. It can be very difficult when you don't feel like they are with you in grief. hopediva
  2. Hello All, I was told by a counselor I started seeing in December that I should join a grief support group. I am new to the idea of blogging to strangers about something so personal I have a hard time talking to family about it. Last year we lost our daughter. Alexandra Hazel. She was 36 weeks along. Although I have had many miscarriages. (A total of 7 pregnancies with only one live birth.) This is my first third trimester loss. In the past we have been very careful about getting attached to our baby until we have past the 5 month mark. Not even telling family or co-workers about the pregnancy until that point. After the fist few times and trying to explain when catching up with friends who were absent in our lives for a few months. That while we were pregnant, we are no longer. We decided to keep everything very quiet until a later date when it was more of a sure thing. Alexandra wasn't a very active baby. She didn't have the acrobatics of my previous daughter's pregnancy. Although she moved, she wasn't a strong kicker, or a frequent mover. I was assured by our OB that this isn't necessarily abnormal and we proceeded along with everything. I started to have nightmares and a sense that something wasn't quite right about 2 weeks before we lost her. For some reason, all these premonitions centered around premature labor and delivery. It never once crossed my mind that we could have a stillbirth. Depending on the different literature one reads, stillbirths are rather uncommon. In our particular area, we had a very low risk pregnancy pool. My particular OB had only seen one in his 20 years of experience that occurred some 15 years previously. The shock of our drastically altered circumstances, while trying to convey to our (then) 3 year old daughter that she would no longer have the little sister I had told her so much about. Was quite stressful. In addition to that, a career opportunity came available for my husband that we had been hoping for for the past year. A chance for better pay and advancement. However it came available on the East Coast. 2500 miles from where we were in rural Rocky Mountains. We have had other major changes. My husband was traveling back and forth to Japan for work. He happened to be at the Nuclear Site in Japan when the earthquake and tsunami hit just previous to our loss. In addition to dealing with all this. I do not get along well with some of my family. We have had strained relations for over 10 years and I have made a great effort to include (my mother specifically) in my pregnancy as I knew that it meant a lot to her to be involved. My mother had 9 children. All have lived, She had a 1st term miscarriage then went on to have another two children. Although I do not mean in anyway to marginalize the loss of a child who is simply younger than one of my own losses. I simply can't agree that she could possibly understand what I am going through. In the past our attempts to keep silent our early losses stem from her interference and determined efforts of bringing our private affairs into light with whoever she happened to be talking with. I honestly think she does it for the attention and sympathy from co-workers and friends who she has indiscriminately told of my issues with conception and carrying children. I just received a Mother's Day greeting from her. In which, she rehashed all the things I have chosen not to include in my correspondence with her. Including a choice phrase of hers that she completely understands where I am coming from and hopes that I can realize that other people go on to have normal pregnancies. We had decided to wait to try and have another child until we felt more settled after the move. In January I got pregnant again. My husband and I (admittedly) placed too much hope in our new life far too early. After a month of bed rest we still lost our latest addition. She of course has no way of knowing that, so I can't blame the timing of her letter. However it only serves to separate us further. Other family members have been horribly callus and uncaring, cutting off contact with us and shunning us when they feel uncomfortable. Two of my sister in laws have had babies in the last year. Another family member has had two pregnancies in the last year and a half. All of which were unplanned. I can't help but be jealous. Not necessarily of the babies they are having or the families that are growing (although it is partly that). But mostly I am totally jealous of their ignorance of the many things that can (and do in fact) happen during pregnancy and delivery. Their happy unplanned nonchalance toward bringing another life into this world. And I'm jealous that I will never again be able to plan a pregnancy without a plan B. Where to give the car-seat, crib, blankets and toys to if (or often times when) we lose our baby. I had never before had to consider funeral arrangements. Birth and Death Certificates. Cremation VS burial. All I was considering was what color scheme I should try and get the crib linens in. I am jealous of their innocence. Their naïvety. And at the same time I hope they stay that way. hopediva
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