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enna

Contributor
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About enna

  • Rank
    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 12/05/1942

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Goodyear, AZ
  • Interests
    an active member of Hospice of America, level two certificated volunteer as an end-of-life death doula

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    wife
  • Date of Death
    May 25, 2012
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Hospice of the Valley - Phoenix
  1. Grief Bibliography

    This book by Megan Devine has already been listed by Marty but I wanted to give my recommendation also. It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand by Megan Devine Well, I am through the first reading of her book and found it to be filled with wisdom and a definite knowledge of what it means to lose a loved one. We have heard that there is no time limit in grief and it really is OK to not be OK. I have marked so many sentences in her book that I will be going back to. Three that I’ve marked but it is so difficult to list only three: p. 10 “What I would have given to see my reality reflected back to me.” P.15 “It’ isn’t “wrong” and it can’t be “fixed.” It isn’t an illness to be cured.” P.24 “Grief is not a problem to be solved; it’s an experience to be carried.” I recommend this book to all who grieve.
  2. An Angel's Whisper I Must Address

    I am so very sorry to hear of the death of your angel child. I have no words for the way you were treated as you spent time in the hospital with your child. How beautiful and brave that you included all those who took care of your child. I believe that it is a special gift to 'educate' anyone who has the privilege of caring for the dying and to recognize that grief is traumatic. We need to be so aware of those around us to never say anything that may be overheard by a grieving person. We need more empathy and hugs rather than name-calling. I am sorry this happened to you as you were coming to terms with what was happening around you. Anne
  3. Thinking of you as you begin the many firsts and holidays coming up in the next months. You sound so wise as you go through those 'debilitating grief waves' ~ they will continue but your support group will help you along the way. Thank you for sharing. It helps us to know that we are not alone. Anne
  4. Significant Quotes

    “Losing a loved one is torture, especially for those left behind. They say time heals all wounds. It doesn’t. It just patches a broken heart. It doesn’t get any easier over time. You just learn to live with the pain.” ― Mary Ting
  5. Articles Worth Reading

    The Side Effects of Exploring Grief I’m pretty sure when a doctor prescribes medication to a patient they’re supposed to discuss the potential side effects with them. By pretty sure I mean this seems to make sense to me but I’m actually not 100% sure what the rule is because I avoid taking medication at all costs. It just seems like good practice to warn patients about all the weird symptoms they’re likely to experience as a result of a medication, treatment, or therapy. That way they don’t show up at your office in a week all like “well, my acid reflux is gone but I haven’t gone to the bathroom in a week.” Or, in the case of emotional exploration and certain therapy, saying “What’s going on doc? I feel like a basket case!” My current outlook has me contemplating this and feeling a bit remiss. Since our inception, we’ve discussed many ways to explore, express, and seek therapy for grief, but we’ve never provided the disclaimer that sometimes some of these things may initially make you feel worse. On some level you probably already understood healing means opening wounds and poking around. It’s why we avoid thinking and talking about the things which force us to feel the sting of being scared, angry, guilty, hollow, and small. We avoid the road that leads into darkness because we aren’t sure it will ever open onto a sunny path. Maybe we should have warned you that when we asked you to explore your grief, we were really asking you to dive into the pain and keep swimming. We were asking you to tolerate it, sit with it, and even embrace it. Perhaps we should have clarified, many of the methods we recommend – journaling, art, therapy, etc – have the potential to make you feel miserable before you feel better. I remember someone talking about being in couple’s therapy, I can’t really remember who, but they said it’s kind of a nightmare. For an hour they are forced to open up in a way they never have before. Theoretically, things like honesty, communication, and truth are positive, but anyone who’s been in a relationship knows they can also sometimes lead to pain. It makes total sense for a couple to leave these sessions feeling like crap, unable to recognize any progress in their capacity to communicate, empathize, and cope which (in theory) ought to happen in the long run. The same sometimes holds true with individual therapy, sometimes you wander down emotionally dark alleys, admit truths, and accept the unacceptable. Some days you might leave feeling refreshed and invigorated and some days you swear you’re never going back again. Oftentimes the burn means it’s working – read this article on whether it’s time to break up with your therapist and if the answer is no, stick with it. Then there are the areas of creative, artistic, and expressive coping – journaling, art, writing, photography – these can be just as frustrating. I’ve had a few people ask me if I think writing this blog has been cathartic and I think ultimately the answer is ‘yes’…but every so often I feel like the further in I dig here, the worse I feel. Some days there are just no words or pictures to express how I’m feeling, and some days the words and pictures are right but troubling. In my journal, I have at least a dozen opening paragraphs on a dozen different topics. I write a paragraph, I stop writing, I look into space, and I think “no I don’t have the energy to explore this today”. I’m not a writer so I don’t know if this is what writer's block feels like, but I am an avoider so I can say with complete certainty that I’m avoiding. In order to write honestly it means admitting things and right now I’m just not in the mood. My frustrated self tells me I’m better off lounging on the couch watching The Real Housewives of God Knows Where….but deep down I know I’m not. My mother died many years ago and honestly it wasn’t even close to being the first time I felt the pangs of despair and hopelessness. I’m not new to the game, I’ve experienced several different shades of anxiety and depression since my early 20s. I know the frustrating feeling of “nothing I’m doing is working”. I know what it’s like to stand at the bottom of a pit without a ladder. But I also know the only way to get out is to start digging. To keep the things I know to be helpful even when I feel like I’m getting nowhere. So this is my disclaimer to you, dealing with grief sometimes comes with a few emotional side effects. The sting of sadness, guilt, shame, and despair – often these mean it’s working. Don’t give up, keep trying, and call me in the morning. Hey, you, make our day. Subscribe to 'what's your grief' to receive posts straight to your inbox.
  6. This video was created to remember a special little angel that touched so many of our lives. It was my gift to Butch and his family and he asked if I would share it with this forum family. Some of the pictures he shared on the forum and others he sent to Kay and me over the year since Gracie’s birth. We continue to mourn with Butch and his family. Thank you, Marty, for this safe place we have to come to.
  7. i think i need some help

    I am sorry for the loss of your mom. I am glad that you are better now and that you have a great job and a great family. Holidays are always hard. In my case, the pain of loss will always be there just not as intense. The way I have dealt with the loss of my mother is to prepare one of her favorite dishes for a holiday dinner. Now that I have grandchildren we bake some of her famous cookies and make popcorn balls during Halloween ~ a favorite holiday of my mother’s. My grandchildren never met their grandmothers for they were deceased. Over the years I have found that if you share memories with other family members it eases the pain of our loved one not being with us. Sadness is something that is present when we have lost someone we love.
  8. To our forum family, Kay and I received news tonight that Butch’s granddaughter, Gracie, passed away on Monday. Gracie’s precious life was short lived but she had a smile that melted most of our hearts. Butch is not able to come on right now but he knows that you would want to be informed. It is beyond my understanding why so many of Butch’s family members have been taken away from him. For those of us who have known Butch our hearts ache for all he has been through. Grief cannot be solitary so those who wish let us gather around and let the family know we are with them and we will not let them go through this alone. It has been our way of doing things and will continue to be this way. No one goes through this alone. We are here for each other. Anne
  9. Significant Quotes

    A different picture.
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