donovanl

Um, I really did not mean for that sunglasses emoticon to show up there. that was supposed to be a 'b'

Arlene, I'm so sorry you're going through this. And I'm sorry your sister is such a bad support--one of the hardest parts of my grieving process is finding out that a) there are many people who I thought I could count on who I can't and there are people who I thought I could count on who've actually made it worse. That is really a horrible thing to learn. Although I know this is different for everyone, I second KayC recommendation to take baby steps in trying to establish some real-life social network or supports. I'm a sociologist by profession, and sociologists have written books and books on how meaningful, real-life social supports and networks can improve all sorts of outcomes--but especially health (physical and mental). Taking my sociologist hat off and putting my introverted-person-grieving cap back on, it can be incredibly hard to meet people and feel comfortable. It takes a lot of time. One thing I do is give myself rewards after I do something social. I joined a softball league this summer, and after each game I would go buy something nice to eat at a restaurant. After a while, I enjoyed the league and the people and it was a reward in itself. Just an idea. I hope you take care of yourself.

Hi everyone. I'm very happy to find this forum. My brother died of a heroin overdose a month and a day ago. We were very close and I know he was only using casually--he seemed to be getting better and holding a job, writing frequently, studying for the GRE. I was taxi'ing on the runway on the way to Arizona for a work trip when my partner called me to tell me to get off the plane because my brother was dead. My family lives halfway across the country, so there was a lot of planning and travel involved in having a memorial for my brother. My partner was fantastic in the first 2 weeks after Derek's death. He was supportive, helpful, and kind to my parents and my extended family. And then last week things seemed to change. On labor day he pointedly asked me to stop being selfish and include him more in planning things for us. He says that he feels he's nothing more than a vehicle to secure my needs. I was surprised to hear this, as I thought that before and after Derek's death I was doing nice things for him as much as I could and including him in all my planning and daily life. We had a huge fight and then resolved it, both us ultimately saying that we've been under a massive amount of stress and were taking out insecurities on each other. One thing he also started doing around the same time, is whenever I am sad or crying or emotional, he says that I need to be stronger for my family, specifically my mother, and not be so self-involved. When my mother emailed me about a heartbreaking dream she had about my brother, I started crying and he took a stern tone and told me to call my mother and not cry or ask her for help, that I need to help her. Yesterday we went to a large party, a work party for my partner. I'm an introvert and my partner knows I do not like parties, much less going to parties after the death of a close loved one. I drank too much at the party and on the way home I started crying in the front seat, quietly. We had our neighbor in the back seat and my partner basically told me to stop (I was drunk, so I don't remember the exact words). Then, we got in a fight and he slept on the couch and won't talk to me today. I went on Facebook and posted a status that read something like, "F*ck you, everything is lost." My partner told me this morning that he's embarrassed of me and that I made a fool of myself (which I did). I'm wondering if other people have experienced intense relationship stress following the death of a loved one. I cannot help but feel that my partner is often telling me what and how to feel, without trying to even understand why I might be feeling the way I'm feeling. I feel like I have to hide my grief from him and that we're both pushing each other away. I love him very much and would be completely lost without him. And I already feel incredibly lost and alone with Derek gone. I can barely concentrate at work and most of my co-workers and friends seem to be avoiding me because they don't know what to say--they're all quite young and most haven't lost anyone close to them. Are there resources available online about grief and relationship stress? I've looked around and haven't found much that goes beyond, "Everyone grieves differently, be supportive." Anything welcome. Thanks for reading.