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itaaa

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About itaaa

  • Birthday 03/01/1980

Previous Fields

  • Date of Death
    November 1, 2013
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    tampa
  1. i was 17 when my sweet little grey fur-ball was given to me. i was out of town, and was surprised by this amazing gift laying in the middle on my TV room. just 5 weeks old and so full of life, i swept him in my arms and felt my life was complete. i name him Billie and he was by far the most loving, affectionate, friendly, vocal, sociable cat i have ever met. people who weren't fond of cats loved him and rightly so, he was just the cutest most precious little thing. i moved around a lot since high school, and my Billie was there with me every step of the way. i was curious a few weeks back as to how many places this cultured cat had lived in, and i counted: 24 houses, 13 cities and 4 states in 16 years. i didn't think i was capable of loving something so much. i was always so overwhelmed with happiness to see him whether i had been away from him for a few days, or if it was just the next morning - and he returned the love full-force. the past year i had noticed his age started to catch up to him. he slowed down a lot, lost a little bit of weight and couldn't jump like before. i prepared myself for this and made sure my bed always had a little step stool for him so he could be comfortable with getting up and down. it became second nature to give him a boost on the couch. he'd get on his hind legs and look at me knowing i will help him the rest of the way. then a couple months ago it became worse: vomiting, diarrhea, extreme weight loss, lethargy, frequent visits to the vet, an ultra sound which resulted with his belly being shaved which made him look so much skinnier... last month he was diagnosed with Hyperthyroidism and was put on 0.2mg doses of Methimazole twice daily. i was desperate to try anything, but knew my options were slim given his older age. then, i was so happy to see that after 5 days on the medication, my Billie was acting like himself again. he had gained a little of his weight back and appeared to be in better spirits. he was still rather weak since none of the mass really comes back, but he started sleeping next to me in bed, and waking me up at 6:45a every morning to feed him. i did everything to make him happy, and was happy doing so. last week his progress did a complete 180 and for 2 days straight he stopped eating, his incontinence returned, he was a million times worse than before and i took him to the vet to find out what's going on. they ran his blood-work and they too were astonished to see such a rapid decline in his results just after 1 month. i was assured that i had done everything i could for him, and there is nothing more i could do. three days ago i lost my Billie. i sat with him in the room watching him unsuccessfully hobble around trying to find a comfortable position against the wall because of his hind leg in apparent pain from the blood-work they just did. he looked emaciated, sad and so helpless. my heart went out to him and i couldn't stop crying. he was always a small cat, but maintained a healthy chubby-looking weight at 9lbs. but i was looking at a 4lbs cat who was hyperthermic, possibly had cancer, and was all around the most sad sight i have ever seen. he began sniffing around like he was hungry and i just wanted to die. he hadn't eaten in so long, i was not going to let them take him away with a memory of him being hungry so i asked if he could have some food because i needed to see him eat. my vet brought in a bowl and Billie began to eat and i just watched him. he didn't eat much and ended up hobbling back to a corner to lay down uncomfortably. the vet asked me if i wanted his ashes to which i shook my head no right away. then she asked if i wanted to be there when he was put to sleep and i shook my head again. how could i sit there and watch him die? she then told me to take as much time as i need with Billie. i let her know my sister was on the way, and i wanted to wait. i couldn't get myself to stand up and walk near him. he looked like if i touched him, he'd break. i just watched him and cried. my sister walked in a little bit later, tears in her eyes.. they had let her know what was going on at the front desk. after a few minutes, the vet poked her head in and asked if i needed more time... i said no, i'm ready. i walked up to my Billie and carried him into my arms. i held him tight, then handed him to the Vet who then walked out of the room and closed the door behind her. as she closed the door, i looked at Billie who was looking right at me with big, scared eyes. and that was the last i saw him. the past three days have been so difficult. i'm blessed to have such a supportive group of friends and family to help me get through this, but nothing can fill this void in my heart. i have so many questions now that have been tearing me up inside. did i make the right choice? should i have waited and kept trying different things to help him get better? should i have been there when he was euthanized? should i have kept his ashes? my sister and my boyfriend cleared out my apartment by getting rid of his little box, his food bowls, water bowls, and beds. they did this all very quickly while i waited in the bathroom crying. i found out later that my boyfriend threw away one of his beds that i had in the closet, which had all his little toys in it, some of which i had since he was a kitten. i'm so upset about this and don't know how to react. i know he was just trying to help, and he saw how upset i got when i asked where it was, but i keep having to remind myself that acting out this feeling would be a misdirection of anger and unfair to him. it wont bring Billie back. i'm just so sad.. i'm trying to stay strong, but i work from home and am constantly reminded of Billie no matter what direction i look. i've allowed myself to break down a couple times and i keep telling myself it will get easier - it's only been 3 days. and, i understand my poor boy is no longer in pain now, so one minute i'm completely fine and logical about it. but then the next i cant stop the tears. i miss him. so much. i just want to hold him again, kiss him on his eyes, his belly, under his shoulders. i want to cuddle next to him when i sleep. i want to hear his meow again, the loud ones, the cute little chirpy ones, the one where it sounds like he's trying to talk. i want to feel his purr, and hear it again. i miss having him follow me around no matter where i walked. if i worked until 3am, he'd be by my side. if i slept in the middle of the day, he'd be next to me in bed. he always welcomed me at the front door when i walked in. he was always, always there. and now.. nothing but an overwhelming amount of emptiness.. i lost such a massive part of my life on friday and i have no idea how to deal with it. my emotions are in constant fluctuation. my mind is unable to concentrate. since i was 17, a junior in high school, i've been blessed with my Billie and his sweet, beautiful heart. i am now 33, and have never felt so lost and alone. rest in peace my billie boy, you have brought such happiness to me and all those around you. 5/17/1997 - 11/1/2013
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