Lee Dozier

Niamh, I'm glad that you are doing better. I hope that I can achieve the peace that you have. But for right now I struggle with my grief and the pain of loosing my Mom. I am deeply sorry for the insensitivity that you experienced at the hands of the hospital, I was lucky for the most part, and most of my Mom's nurses were kind, the doctor's are another story. I too suffer from the trauma of watching my Mom pass as she died from sepsis and I was with her the entire time, I still have flashbacks of the hospital room and experiencing her struggling to hang on, it is something I deal with alone mostly, but I am working on it with my counselor, who thinks it is mild PTSD. I tell you this only so that you know I understand the pain of watching a loved one suffer and die, and offer my love and prayers to you and your family. Peace and Love.

Hi, My name is Annalee but I go by Lee. On October 14, 2013 my world shattered my Mom Rosie Dozier-Sanford was just 55 years old when she sub-came to sepsis possibly related to her long battle with cancer and valley fever. On that day my world crumbled I lost my best friend, my mentor, my confidant, my hero, but most of all I lost my Mom. I don't know how I am supposed to go on my heart feels as if it cracks a little more with each beat. I am lost and the one person who always found me is gone. I am the oldest of nine and I have tried to be there as much as I can for my siblings, particularly the four that lived with my Mom including my youngest brother who is seventeen. While I took a week off right after her death I have been able to work and "function" a majority of the time since her death. There was a period immediately after her passing that I relied on alcohol and marijuana to get me threw but besides the all most non-existent night out with well meaning friends I have not had a desire for either one, nor really anything else since my birthday in January. I have been seeing a grief counselor since January and while I'm grateful that she pulled me out of the dark destructive pit that I was in I just feel like if the best it gets is instead of the raw burning pain that it was to the chronic throbbing pain that it is now then what's the use. I mean I get up every day and every day I tell myself "it' gonna get better" and "gotta get done what has to get done" but in reality it doesn't get better and I just want to say **** what has to get done! I don't know some days it feels like I'm on the verge of....I don't know, a break through? And then it's right back to wailing and wanting to just burrow in my room until the world stops and f****** realizes that my Mom one of the bet damn people I ever met is gone and is never gonna come back and I just want to scream! I want to shake my siblings who all seem to have moved on and who tell me "at least she's not hurting" and scream in their faces that don't you get it "I DON'T CARE! MY MOM IS GONE!", and I know that might make me a horrible person but I just don't care! I want my Mommy back. I'm sorry if this is rambling but I'm just having a really bad day. My counselor wants me to go to the support group but I haven't been able to and I found this group online in the resources that Hospice of the Valley offers and it just seemed warm and caring and I'm just tired of putting on a front and trying to talk to people who don't get it. Anyway thanks for letting me vent I feel a little better now.