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Hoping

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About Hoping

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Jacksonville,FL.

Previous Fields

  • Date of Death
    12/23/2012
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA
  1. Thank you all so much. I always knew people I helped would not be there for me. When I broke my leg badly, my poor husband was so stressed about losing his job, no money and my not going back to work he became furious with me. He was out of town and didn't come home for 3 days. I was in the hospital 3 days alone then he came home, still furious with me. He took care of me but he was so tired. He had to work so I was home, confined to bed. I asked a neighbor twice for help to let my dogs out. She let me know it was a bother the first time and the second time she said they were sleeping and my husband would be home soon. I was SO hurt and never asked for help again. I had to crawl on my left side and scoot down stairs to let them out then scoot on my left side up 2 steps all the way back to bed to let them out. I never asked her for help again and she never offered. I had done so much for her in the past and it was a horrible feeling to know she didn't care. She knows we need her now but I REFUSE to ask. Then all the other things happened and I had only my husband. He is fiercely independent and gets upset if I ask him if we could ask anyone to help us get to the hospital Tuesday. He feels it's my turn to do my part and I am MORE then wiling to help him. But I am partially disabled and walking is so hard and so painful. The drive there and back is SO scary. Our son was going to take a day off to take us and my husband said no, I would do it. I will. When I found out he had Lymphoma, I made it to the backyard and silently screamed because I really don't know how much more I can mentally or physically take. I am not as emotionally strong as my husband. And I know he has a lot of unspoken anger toward me for all my health problems. He has essentially been my caregiver. When my parents needed me, I'm ashamed to say I acted just like my son and his wife are acting. But my Mother called constantly berating me for not being there, telling people how my sister cared and I didn't and, when I was around her, it was constant anger and insults from her. I admit, I ran the other way. This is why I haven't said a word to my son and his wife. I want them to help us because they want to....and they don't want to. To make matters worse, my husband defends them. He has always paved the way for my son in life and gets mad if I ask him if we can ask them for help. He said we don't need any help. that I can do it. My husband has always seen me as a weak person and said now it's time for me to step up to the plate. He's right. But that doesn't make it any less scary for me. I've even gone so far as to ask God to take me in my sleep to relieve this awful emotional and physical pain. I know that was wrong. When I had my near death experience and was on life support for 5 days, I remember walking up a flight of beautiful stairs. I looked down and saw my dr. standing over my hospital bed and 3 others with him. I was in the bed with a yellow light around me with a small white light. I remember thinking, "I must be dying". I kept walking up those beautiful stairs to a white wall. The next thing I remember was waking up in the ICU and feeling so disappointed I had not been able to finish my walk up those stairs. My only hope is maybe talking to a social worker if my husband gets sicker. Right now, they can find no cancer in any other part of his body. He fully intends to recover and I think he will because he is so strong willed. But I'm so emotionally tired. And scared. Not knowing which way to turn. No one has called and I'm calling no one.
  2. My son has a neurostimulator implanted on top of his brain that has stopped his seizures so far. He is 38 years old and ou only child. He knows he is not suppose to be drinking because of his medical condition but his Father's recent diagnosis has sent him completely reeling. My husband is blissfully unaware of the medical world but I have lived it a long time. His dr. is very nice and downplayed it but I was dying inside. He has surgery to remove three tumors under his left ear, one a bit larger then the other 2. The may remove only the larger one to see what kind of Lymphoma is is and what stage it is. A PET scan showed no other cancer in his body at this time. For over 15 years, I had to move mountains (Actually, God moved then) to get help for my son. I had a nervous breakdown and then all my other health problems. I still have a great deal of pain from y hip and knee replacements. My husband came out one morning and said, "Honey, I found this lump when I was putting shaving cream on". The first ENT said it was benign from an FNA and surgery was scheduled. But then he retired and the newer dr. questioned. After 8 days of agonizing waiting, they called and said it was Lymphoma. The dr told me they would probably just inject the tumors, they would melt away and my husband would live to a very old age. He is 65 years old. I said nothing but I know it's not that easy. The dr. said some Lymphoma is almost not considered cancer because it's so easily treated. I said nothing to my husband but I see the big picture here. I don't think it's going to be that easy but I will say nothing to my husband. Again, it feels like my whole world has imploded. I have talked to a few friends and neighbors but "they have to work". I'm on my own with God. I love my husband SO much and I always dreaded the day this healthy man would get sick. He has always been there for me. I don't want to upset my son any more then he is. He's already having trouble at work because he can't concentrate at work. He says he just drinks before he goes to bed to "take the edge off". If I try to address that, he gets too upset. I am a mess.
  3. I have been here. But right now, I feel at the end of my rope. We have dealt with our sons brain tumor, my broken leg, my life support, a hip replacement, a recent knee replacement.....and now we found out my husband of almost 45 years has Lymphoma. When they told us, it was like my whole world spun out of control. Thankfully, it is so far only in three tumors beneath his left ear. They have found none throughout the rest of his body. When we pulled up at the Cancer Center for a PET scan, I felt like screaming. He also has a very bad cold and now has been in bed for days. He has surgery next Tuesday. I am doing my best to cope. Of course, there were a few calls when people found out but I'm on my own with God and Jesus to care for him, the house and our sparse finances. My son and his wife have been of no help whatsoever but I know my son.....His Dad is his best friend. My DIL couldn't care less. But our son is hurting so badly, he has started drinking. I explained how that saddens me so much but only he can use his common sense. I feel so alone and refuse to call anyone. If they wanted to help, they would call or come over. When my sweet son posted on a social media site his pain over his Dad, he was told he was feeling sorry for himself and other people had worse problems. Life seems so different to me. I have no one to talk to. I did talk to my sister 5 hours away and all I got was, "I'm so sorry you are going through so much but I have to run now". Maybe it's because they know bad things can happen to them and they don't want to think about it. Or maybe they are afraid if they get too close it will happen to them. You find out who your family and friends are. I don't have any. I just ask for God's love and blessings and pray he sends his blessings. I have to get my husband to the hospital next Tuesday during a scary 45 minutes drive all congested Interstate with the terrible hip and knee pain I still have......but there is only me to do it and I will. But I have no more tears. I usually go to my best friend.....my husband. But I can't now. HE needs ME. I will try to be as strong as I can.....and I will call no one.
  4. Long Story.......

    Things seemed better then problems tonight. I do love my husband so much. I know I am not easy to live with and neither is he. My husband is very hurt by his siblings. One was executor of his parents estate and stole all the inheritance once his Mother died. My husband woud never speak to him again. He said it was not the money. It was the fact he was capable of doing that to 2 brothers who loved him and they worried so much he would go through the inheritance before their Mother died. It was HER money. After she died and all the money was gone, his brother acted like nothing was wrong yet still tried to talk to his brothers who wanted nothing to do with him. He died a lonely man. His other brother is a very sweet man and I like him a lot but his wife has always treated me so badly, my husband will not speak to either of them. She is a social climber and name dropper and I'm not in her league in her eyes and she can't stand to be around me. The feeling is kind of mutual but I have tried with her. She jet sets to Europe for her very expensive haute couture designer clothes and seems embarrassed to have me around her in my off the rack department and even Thrift Store clothes. So, I have accepted that it's not to be and have not seen nor heard from her in 10 years. I'm not ashamed to shop at Thrift Stores but she woud be afraid one of her rich friends may see her go in one, I'm sure. But the brothers. They are all they have left of immediate family. Their children are like their Mother. But I have always liked his brother who has always been so kind to me. I've seen none of them nor heard from them in 30 years, my own nieces and nephews on my husbands side. I have also tried with them but gave up. Just not high enough on the social ladder again. Tonight I made a mistake. I was calling my aunt and accidentally dialed my BIL and SIL number. My BIL answered and I realized I had called the wrong person and apologized. He was very kind and kept me on the phone and we talked a bit. My husband's contention with him is that he has never addressed with his wife the way she treats me. I no longer care about her but I do wish my husband and his brother would at least talk. I gave up trying to bring them together. He is 75, my husband will soon be 64. I told my husband of my mistake and he became so furious, he threw a bookcase across the room. He said I lied, that I knew I was calling his brother. He yelled and screamed but knew better then to touch me because of my health. He looked at the bookcase and said, "Look what you made me do". (A child statement). I told him I made him do nothing, he made the choice, his actions were his own, HIS hands did that, not mine. HE made the decision to do that, not me. It further infuriated him, he called me every name in the book and grabbed his keys and left. He came back later and I have to be very careful with him because he reaches a point of rage he can't stop and I could get hurt. But I said to him, "You know we have little time left on this earth together and you treat me this way when I love you so much? And when your brother is gone, he's gone". He said, "Then he's gone". I honesty think his anger is hurt. I'm so upset. This means days of him not speaking to me, such precious time lost. But I won't beg him. And the bookcase can stay that way until it rots before I pick it up and put the books on it. I'm just so sad.
  5. Long Story.......

    Hi! I am still here. Still struggling emotionally but my husband seems to be doing better on this med so far. He's very quiet and stil seems a bit depressed but has so far been easier to get along with. And I found something that has heped so much....Guided Imagery! The CD's are too expensive for me but I go to this site........FragrantHeart.com It is helping me sleep so much. I don't use each recording but I do listen to many. Also, I am going to a ne Endo to help with my diabetes. I am still anxiety ridden but this site and all of you have helped me so much!
  6. Long Story.......

    My internist was SO mad when I called him and he found out they sent me home. He said that wasn't their call and he would deal with it. So, he has arranged for home health care to give me an injection once a day for 7 days. I am worried because it's a really strong antibiotic and could affect my kidneys. They will have to keep drawing blood to test my kidney function. So far, my husband has been ok. There have been times I considered divorce when our son was younger but my son sensed it and it was so upsetting to him. I know it's better for a child to live in a broken home then an abusive home but he was literally shaking when I consulted a lawyer. He had been through SO much with his brain surgeries and I realized he needed his father in the home on a consistent basis. So, I worked hard with counseling and reading on how to deal with a husband like mine. I bought a book called "Rage" about how to deal with his rage. It laid on the floor by his desk for weeks so I threw it in garbage can. The next day, there it was by his desk again. He was reading it I realized but did not want me to know it. I threw it away again to see what he'd do. The next morning, there it was on the floor by his desk. A few weeks later, my son was taking to me about a bullying problem he had at work. My husband was sitting on the couch reading the paper and he said, "Son, I'm a bully. You want my point of view?". My son and I were astounded. I walked out of the room so they could talk because my husband often sees me as the enemy and won't open up if I'm around. He is right. He IS a bully. He's a huge man, 6'5" tall, 300 pounds. He once threw me on the floor and I got up and said, "Big man! Picking on someone smaller then you who can't possibly defend herself. You're a coward who has never been bullied so you don't know how it feels". He became infuriated and took one of my dolls and tore her up and said he was going to break my Depression Glass collection if I didn't shut up. I told him to go ahead. My possessions don't mean so much to me that I will take that off of him anymore. He told me he was going to give me a reason to call 911 and came after me. Despite my bad hip, I managed to run. Our son came in, at age 17, and tried to protect me. His Father threw him out the front door and out son ran back in and called 911. The change in my husband was something to see. He became SO scared and retreated into the house. Our son talked to the police and he came in and told my husband that they said he better come out and talk to them or they would come in and get him. He came out of the bedroom shaking and we both went out. One of the police officers was a friend of ours but he told my husband that didn't matter. He said he was lucky he saw no marks on me or our son or he WOULD arrest him. There was a change in my husband after that and I SO admired my son for having the courage to do something that I should have done. My husband willingly went into counseling after that and liked his counselor so much he was making his own appts. So, I am with him because he does try. It's emotional abuse now and I think even he sees that. Plus, I think this antidepressant is helping. He seems so much calmer and things that used to set him off, mainly my poor health, don't seem to be bothering him. He even helped me in and out of bed, up curbs, asked if I took my meds...WOW! But I will always be there for myself since he is so erratic. You DO have to be your own advocate. I learned that quickly. I have had to deal with the medical community and had to learn to stand up to egotistic drs, mean nurses. I used to be quite aggressive but have learned how to make my point as respectfully as possible. Even then, I will only take so much. It was hurtful that my husband would take their side and even apologize for me. But I would tell them, "HE'S apologizing for me, NOT ME. You were way out of line and you know it". This is a big deal because I've always been such a little mouse. But I HAVE had some wonderful drs. and nurses. I can spot a good one within minutes and I did NOT get a good ER dr. last night. It does help to get it all out here and I feel a bit stronger. An easy life I have not have but many have it so much worse. Thank you KayC and Marty. I wish I could hug you.
  7. Long Story.......

    Thank you so much. I have looked for relaxation tapes but never could find one that helped. Then I remembered it was a "guided imagery" tape my Counselor gave me. It calmed me right down and I would immediately fall asleep. I wore that tape out! But now that I know what to look for, in a CD, I will certainly get one as soon as I can afford one. More anxiety was piled on tonight, however. My internist called me and said a urine culture showed I have an infection called Pseudomomas. He seemed quite concerned as it is toxic to kidneys and hard to get rid of. He sent me over to our small beaches hospital and told them I needed IV's. They however, said, I was not sick enough yet and they did not want to start me on a strong antibiotic until I am. This makes absolutely no sense to me. I was sent home in pain. My husband was fine with me and when I cried said, "Don't take it out on me". I am confused about that statement because I had said nothing to him. But he did hug me and said we would get through this somehow. I knew I should have gone to the Mayo ER but my internist is not a dr. there. I am just so fed up with drs, hospitals and the $$$$$ they cost us. It takes finding the right dr. to help and that's hard to do. My first ortho decided I had bursitis. He looked at my MRI and said he saw a little spot but, no, I had bursitis. As my pain worsened, he decided I just wanted drugs. I left and went to the Mayo. It took 4 visits to the ER before they took me seriously about my pain. I was sent to an ortho who was exhausted after surgery. He had me walk to the door and back and decided it was NOT my hip but my back and sent me on my way. In tears, I asked the ortho dept. for help and they sent me to ANOTHER ortho who knew what she was doing. In short, I had a fractured hip from a fall and had to have a hip replacement, which I did. So, I have contacted the Mayo and asked them what to do. Now, I wait. I have a very hard time trusting drs. anyway because I have found so few who really care. It just never seems to end. I sat out watching the stars tonight with my little dog and know God will lead me through yet another crisis.
  8. Long Story.......

    I wish I could find a medication that helps. I don't want to go on anything addictive and keep telling myself I just need to be stronger. It's only understandable a lot has happened in 64 years of life. I had a wonderful counselor for many years until she retired. She was my one source of peace. I can't tell you how much I miss her. I recently wrote her a sincere thank you note but said nothing about any negatives in my life. She is retired now and does not need to hear my problems. She once called me from her home when she knew I was having a tough time (This is when she was practicing). I asked her if she knew her phone # pops up on CID and her patients could call her at home. She said, yes, she rarely called patients from home but she knew I would never call her and she was right. I could never call her in the sanctuary of her own home even when I found out her dear husband died. That doesn't mean I haven't wanted to but never would I. She has no idea of all things that have happened since she retired. I really think I may have PSTD on several levels. I just don't know how to deal with it. Maybe that's why this anxiety creeps up on me when I've otherwise had a good day. During my son's illness, my only family member in town found out she had cancer. (She has since died and how I miss her). I was taking my son to the Mayo for his check ups after brain surgeries and then picking her up from the Mayo after her chemo.. There were days I just hyperventilated and SO wished I could call my counselor. I tried several other counselors but could never find one I was comfortable with. I have again woken up with this severe anxiety. I wish I could read other posts here and be of help to people but I feel like my problems would seep through in my answers and that would be of no help to them. I hope I can get to the point where I can be of help to others here someday, as KayC has been to me.
  9. Long Story.......

    Tonight is just a confusing time for me. I have had a pretty good day but around suppertime, fear and anxiety crept in. I felt like, "I don't know how much more I can take". My husband was very kind to me and asked me what was wrong. I told him I felt an anxiety attack coming on. He was hit from behind last week and it scared me badly. He's ok and his car is being fixed. Luckily, the accident happened at a red light where he was sitting. The woman sitting behind him saw traffic going in the other direction and, after putting lotion on her hands and putting it back in her purse, just started forward. But my husband's lane had not started going yet so she hit him. He was a little shaken up but knew I would probably react this way a few days later. He knows me too well. It was a real hassle getting his car to the body shop, getting a rental car, etc. He got all the way to the rental place and forgot all his paperwork and had to come half an hour back to get it. He was a bit nervous and agitated but then,most people would be. Luckily, our son was able to help out. It really unsettled me and has increased my anxiety of the future so much. Despite all the problems we have had between us, there is love. I think me drawing the line about buying a house for our son created some respect for me despite his anger. But my anxiety for the future is still bad. Both my husband and son drive a lot for their jobs, long distances.. My husband has had one bad accident while driving, our son two. They weren't hurt but the cars were totaled, neither accident their fault. So, this fender bender brought all this fear up. My depression has been worse in the morning. I literally can not get out of bed and if it weren't for my dog, might stay in bed all day. But once he gets me up to go out, I kind of get going. The first thing I do is call my husband to "check in" when it's really to reassure myself he's ok. But I have lost interest in almost everything. I love to draw, paint, make cards, read, decorate, do paper sculpture, etc.. Many of my drawings, my favorite thing to do, hang in our home. But I have lost interest in almost everything. I feel like my days are numbered at age 64 so what's the use? I feel like so many bad things have happened it's just a matter of time before something else happens. We've had marital problems, we are having severe money problems,our son became ill with a brain tumor, 5 brain surgeries, an implant in his brain, his divorce (which I took very hard), my husband losing his job, extended family problems, I broke my leg, went on life support after an simple out patient surgery, a hip replacement after which I got an antibiotic resistant infection, an upcoming knee replacement I dread, diabetes, my Father's death, I have no friends, my sweet DI smokes 2 packs of cigarettes a day and it worries me since my son has been through so much already, we have home repairs we can't afford and on and on and on.....It just seems never-ending. I try to look at the positives. My husband's new antidepressant seems to be working so far. He has a more positive attitude. My son has been remarried for years to a beautiful, sweet young lady. I have a sweet Chihuahua. I was able to make decisions on my own during my husband's horrible bout with severe depression. I look forward to Saturdays' when my husband and I spend the day together if he feels like it. (His depression sometimes hits but not like it did). But even now, I am having problems finding more positive things. I so fear losing my husband and being alone in this world. Maybe his accident really stirred things up. I don't know. I just know when I wake up in the morning, I am so depressed and dread the day. I believe God gave me my dog to get me out of bed! Why am I so scared of everything? I sure wish I could figure it out.
  10. Long Story.......

    How sweet of you, KayC. My Mother is in an ALF and has Alzheimer's. I live 5 hours away but do talk to her on the phone. She still knows me but no longer calls me like she used to. I can't ask her too many questions or she gets confused. Luckily, there is family that visits her often. She and I were never close but my heart so goes out to her. Dad died 2 years ago. They were married 65 years and the pain of seeing her losing him was so hard. I talk to her and she talks about him and it's almost a guttural cry of pain in her voice. She told me he visits her every night and I said of course he does. And I believe he does. Her tears just break my heart. She is not adjusting to her ALF very well. She's taken two falls, breaking her hip once and fracturing her pelvis the next time. She won't stay in her wheelchair and doesn't understand the pain of her falls. I think she should be in a nursing home but they keep saying she doesn't qualify yet. She calls the ALF the "penitentiary" and says her room is her jail cell. She keeps asking to go back to her home and she wants her dog back. It's so sad. My sister is exhausted with her. She wants to live with my sister but there is just no way as my sister has a special needs child still living at home. I still can't travel but we all do the best we can. It's wonderful, KayC, that you are there for your Mother. Even tho my Mother and I have never been close, I would work something out to see her so she wouldn't be alone. So many people are and I feel so bad for her. I was in a Rehab/nursing home one time after being on life support and felt so bad for those that never had any visitors. And I only saw my son and husband a few times as they worked. I had no other visitors. It was like those I thought were friends just forgot about me. I have had several health problems and ended up in the hospital. People thought I was a hypochondriac and one "friend" even said she was fed up with me. It hurt but I learned a lot from the experience.....to be there for myself. It was a lonely time for me and some people never saw anyone except those that worked there. Your Mother certainly has an angel in you.
  11. Long Story.......

    I do have a secret weapon.....his wife. She is very mature and doesn't put up with much from my son. I called her and she said, "WHAT"? She told me she would handle it. She's trying to get him into counseling. My son has not had an easy life but neither have we. He was married once before but caught his ex-wife with another woman at a time he was very sick with seizures and brain surgeries. It broke his heart and his. Talk about abusive! We had him come back with us when she bought the man back to their home one night and led him to the back room while my son was there. He called us, falling apart, and we went and got him. She fell apart because, in this state, it's no-fault divorce and his absence and filing for divorce meant she was responsible for all the bills. It took our son, and us, a long time to get over it and her life has fallen apart but we never speak of her. I was thankful there were no children. I don't think he and his wife are going to have children. He met the wonderful wife he has now and they dated 3 years before they married. She's smart, responsible and no nonsense. I do know what I am seeing in my son.....He hates his job and is lashing out at those around him. But only he can change that. He's NOT treating me this way. But it's no wonder I am having the problems I am. I anticipate because I can't trust my husband and son. I even thought about going to a shelter when they pressured me about buying this house but there is my dog. I can't take him with me and my husband travels. There is no one to care for him and I adore him. My son is usually very loving to me so his actions shocked me. I would expect it from my husband but not HIM. In some ways, I feel bad for him. He loves us both but my husband demands complete loyalty to him, not me. My husband even changed his high schools because he wanted him on another baseball team.....without asking my son OR me. This stuff has to tear my son up inside. But the counselor ripped into my husband, in her way, over it. She said, "Who do you think you are, making decisions for other people"? He had this confusion on his face because this is what he saw growing up because his Father was this way. But he DID get him back in the school he loved. I just pray every night things will get better. It hits me as soon as I wake up. It just has not been an easy wife with childhood abuse and my marital abuse but I have never given up. Although my anxiety level is so high, I am stronger then I have ever been,
  12. Long Story.......

    When I told my husband about a man taking out a loan in his wife's name for $80,000, his comment was, "How did he do that" It really shook me up that he said that. I said, "Well, she obviously TRUSTED him and signed papers he told her were for something else". I was so shocked he said that. I read everything I am supposed to sign. Never would I just blindingly sign. Our son is our only child and he's used to his Father handing him things in life instead of working for them. Like I said, this made me the tough love Mother. I made him get a job, I took his truck away when he got fired for stealing, I was the one that went to school with him for a week when he got in a bad crowd and started skipping school, I was the one that went into the bathroom crying each time something happened. It really was very hard on me because his Father would get SO mad at me. In many areas, we work well together but our 37 year old son is STILL a point of contention between us. My son asked to use my car for work for 2 days and I said it would be fine but I needed it after those 2 days. He said, "But you could use my car". He knows I can't because it's physically hard for me. I told him no, I wanted my car back in 2 days. It didn't happen because he got "held up at work". I called him every day but he did not show up with it until 7 days later. I told him I didn't appreciate it. He told me to get over it and went to talk to his Father. I followed him and said, "Don't you talk to me that way"! He said, "Whatever". I said, "DO NOT TALK TO ME THAT WAY". My husband and he just smiled at each other. He left later, taking MY car. I called him and told him to bring it back. He got furious, returned, threw my keys at me, grabbed my purse and dug his keys out, throwing my purse on the floor. I said, 'PICK IT UP" but he just left. My husband did his usual and retreated to the bedroom and shut the door. But I know my son. He came back later and was so angry, yelling at me that my car just sat there so what was the problem? I told him when he could sit down and talk to me like an adult, we would discuss it. He was furious but eventually calmed down and sat down calmly and said, "Ok, I'm sitting" because he knew I would not give in to his anger. I said, "The point is it's MY car whether it just sits there or not. You do not have the right to take it without my permission, You do not have the right to just use my car as long as you want. There has to be a time frame. Now, you pick up my keys and hand them to me. My purse too". He did. I said that was physical and emotional abuse the way he talked to me and threw my keys at me and he would not be welcome here if he did that again. He sat back down, very embarrassed. I told him he may use my car in the time frame I gave him and if it's not back in that time, he would not use it again. He said, "Dad said I could use it". I said, "Then I give you permission to use his". He looked at me amazed and I said, "Oh, that's not permitted"? And if he DID use his Dad's car, you can bet he'd have it back in time. I told him I did not need this stress and again, he gave me a smart alec remark. I asked him to leave and come back when he decided to be a respectful adult. He left and came back 2 hours later and apologized. Later, I got an email of apology. But my anxiety level is very high. This is all so hard considering everything else we have been going through. I should not have to "discipline" my 37 year old son. And it's sad I don't trust him or my husband. But God leads the way and I know better days will come. Worse one also and I will handle each thing with God's help. I am so glad I found this site and appreciate your help so much. It helps to just get this out. God Bless!
  13. Long Story.......

    I can only hope to be as strong as you, KayC. Tonight, I am up in pain. I made the mistake of wearing the wrong shoes yesterday and am paying for it today. I desperately need that knee replacement but have no choice but to wait until November when I mercifully, I hope, go on to Medicare. With new changes next year, I will probably have it in November or December. This will hopefully take a lot of strain off our marriage. We have only his income which is less then $30,000 a year. We had planned on going out tomorrow which I probably will not be able to do. I am ready for either his temper tantrum or his staying in his room all weekend. I have no control over that and do the best I can. I am 64, he is 63. But God HAS stepped in so many times and for that I am so blessed and grateful. I took our insurance booklet and read it inside and out. I saved us thousands on my insulin and we now pay only $200 a year, down from $2,000. I found out that, because of certain things in our insurance, they paid 10% more then usual, saving us $7,000. I also earned us another $1,000 in another area. So, I have pared $10,000 off our bill this year and my husband was very impressed. Had I not read the booklet and made calls, none of this would have happened. Still, we owe $7,000 in medical bills and $40,000 to the bank. I have arranged payment plans on both and we have paid off 2 credit cards with one more to go. We have never been spendthrifts which helped a lot. I watch our bank account like a hawk, which rankles my husband. But I feel it's because he has always taken care of us and does not like me getting involved. I think all of this has made him feel less like a man but I told him it's a marriage, 2 people working together. I do not watch the bank account because I do not trust him but to make sure we do not get below a certain point. We have had to take a bit from his 401K and I try to make sure the balance does not go below a certain point. We have pared all we can from daily expenses and will continue to do so. I see so many places God has been and know he is always with us. One area I pray he helps us with is our son. We both parented differently. He was the very permissive parent and because of this, I had to be the tough love parent. Our son is now almost 40 but still they go behind my back and blindside me. It causes me great anxiety on top of already great anxiety. The latest they cooked up is that WE would take out a loan to buy a home he and his wife could rent from us. It was real fireworks but I REFUSED. If something happened to my husband and they lost their jobs, it's bankruptcy for me. It hurt greatly to do this because what Mother does not want to help? But I had to be realistic because my husband would and never will be able to say no to our son. It's caused me great heartache and found out later my husband tried to take out a loan in his name but was unable to do so. Still, we forge on. We pay our bills, have food on the table and have never, in our whole marriage, had a bad check. My anxiety is that I HAVE caught my husband going behind my back several times paying our bills from a loan account. Hence, we owe the bank so much money. I can not trust my husband nor my son. He and his wife make twice as much as they do yet accept any money my husband has been able to sneak them. I have informed him that, if he wants to continue to do this, we could face bankruptcy. So, if he continues, so be it. I have done all I can. Life as been so tough but I do place my faith in God. I always will. As always, I thank you, KayC. You have helped me so much.
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    Thanks so much for your replies. Things have gone from bad to worse. It now looks like my husband may lose THIS job after 10 years. He lost his first job of 25 years to a company buy out and it liked to killed the poor guy. His job has always defined him and he had a hard time finding this one. Now he is only one year from retirement and they are treating him so poorly. They say they are restructuring and will "let him know more next week". Corporate people are so cruel. Then they are shocked when it happens to them. My husband has had so many knives in his back. Even though he can be SO hard to get along with, I do feel bad for him. Still, if this happens, I can't stand the thought of maybe having to go through it again. I went into a tailspin but have caught myself. I "anticipate". Even though it looks like he MAY lose his job doesn't mean he is going to. I did have a major panic attack and there will probably be no sleep for me tonight. It's like it just takes one thing to set me off into panic. I wish I had been given a better foundation in life but my Mother didn't have one so did not have one to give to me. I woke up every morning even as a child so scared. The panic attacks started as a teenager. I never knew what my day was going to be like. Some days were calm. Other days, I would hear Mother screaming for me to get my <blank> downstairs. She would tell me she didn't have teenage daughters for nothing, that she was through doing housework and it was OUR turn. She was like 2 different people but got a lot worse as we got older. So as not to ramble. I have decided to try something. I'm not sure I can as I am very agoraphobic. But I want to try to go back to church this Sunday. We are Catholic and I always found the mass very calming But having so many people around me was disturbing to me too. They even, at one time, would have people hold hands or hug and that really disturbed me. So, I always sat in the back where I could walk to the corner. Also, because of my hip and knees, I'm not sure how long I can sit. I have a lot of pain. But, despite these obstacles, I WILL try and my husband MAY go with me because he sees how upset I am. I have tried to live in the day but this will take a lot of work.
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    Oh, goodness, I just wrote a long reply to this and my computer crashed. I will try again tomorrow!
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