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LadyCarrie

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  1. Our hearts go out to Butch. It seems impossible for him to endure so much pain, and still stay strong. I see him as a strong man suffering. A weak man could not be as he is. May our Lord continue to see that he is a "come back kid." Carrie
  2. Happy feet! Oh, yes! Happy feet! Jerry, Amberly, and I join your other friends here in rejoicing with you, precious friend. God is so good. We thank Him for blessing your daughter, her husband, their children, and you with another little Love. Hugs and squeezes, Carrie
  3. We are so very sorry. Thank you for letting us know, Kay. We will keep praying along with you all. Carrie
  4. Dear Butch, I join your other friends here to tell you that we love you, and that we continue to pray for you every day. I have not written on the forum lately due to health happenings and changes in my life and home, yet you and others here are in my heart and on my mind. I'm glad you had a bit of a respite, and along with others, I wish the length of time could have been longer. May our Lord hold you up and close tenderly. Blessings and Warm hugs, Carrie
  5. Hello to all, Mia, I have been praying daily that your toe will heal quickly and completely, and for your pain level to lessen to none very soon. That was quite an accident you had. Regarding my cataract surgeries, I am delighted with the outcome, although my vision did not return as it became after my first surgery. I had never seen so well in my life as after that first surgery. It was surely good while it lasted. My vision is at least as good, if not better, than I was told to expect, so I'm delighted. I am to get a new prescription on October 7. God is good, and I am so grateful to see. I asked the doctor why my vision became scary-blurred after the second surgery. He explained that this happens when surgery is done on the second eye. This confirmed what I thought had happened. They work together, and what happens to one affects the other. You know how it is with twins. I am happy to tell you that I am not in a full-fledged Meniere's episode, as I thought I might be. I believe the medications I was given likely caused the symptoms to become worse for a while. We all depend somewhat on our eyes for balance, but people who have Meniere's depend on their eyes for balance a lot. My blurred vision affected the Meniere's until my eyes began to work better. I am back to the way I was prior to surgery Meniere's-wise. Another blessing. Amberly is back from her forensic nursing class at Sacramento. She bounced in late Sunday afternoon and announced that she is now a Medical Forensic Examiner. She passed her written and practical state exams. She says that she loved the science part of the class, and found the law parts interesting. She isn't great with the photography part, but will learn. She was happy to find herself average, for she had been apprehensive about the photography test. She found parts of the information in the lectures sad and angering (e.g. antiquated laws; story of ER docs drawing straws to see who had to do the "tedious" work of examining the rape victims). Amberly will be the examiner for the clinic where she works. Her position at work didn't change. The forensic work is added. I told you in my last post that Amberly was looking forward to dinner and live theater on the Delta King on the Sacramento River. She had not anticipated becoming part of the cast for an interactive murder mystery. She had so much fun doing this, for unlike her mama, she's never been shy on stage. She and her friends enjoyed exploring Old Town Sacramento, including the museums and restaurants in the early evenings. The Butte Fire, which is 15 miles from us, is now 84% contained ("contained" usually means to have a bulldozer line around the fire). Full containment is expected by October 1. Four hundred and seventy-five homes, 343 outbuildings, and 42 other structures have burned. Most people have been allowed to return to their homes, but some evacuation centers are still open. One of the doctors with whom Amberly works had to help evacuate his parents, and her supervisor's house is now pink due to flame retardant. Amberly's supervisor's neighbor's house burned, so the plane dumped the load of retardant onto her supervisor's house. I'm sad to tell you that two people were found dead. One is believed to be the man who called his son to tell him he was trapped. Amberly said that she heard at work that he had only one leg, and could not get out fast enough. I know this has nothing to do with our much-loved and precious pets, but I thought you might want to know the update since I told you that we are near the fire. Warm hugs to each of you, and thank you for praying for me. I'm going to be just fine. Each of you is special to me. I thank you for your care and responses. I pray for each one here that God will meet your needs ~ and a whole lot of your wants ~ each day. May He heal your hurting hearts. I'm convinced He gives us people when we need them, and so He gave us to each other here on Marty's forum. Our hearts hurt so badly for our babies, Ashely, Callie, and Beauregard. I've managed to not cry after surgery, but have had some really close calls. One of the closest calls was when our neighbor Dave came to visit and reminisced about the babies. He talked about watching them romp around the front deck, even when they were so little that all three could be held in our hands at the same time. When he sobbed three times, it was almost too much for me. He meant no harm. He doesn't get along well with people, so gives his whole heart to pets. His grief is genuine. I'm having a bit of trouble with the font, so I hope this posts correctly. I do hope it doesn't look like I screamed at you. Please know it's an accident if that happens. Blessings, Carrie
  6. Thank you, Marty❤️. Several have reached out to me, and I am grateful. I care about their hurts as well. Here on your forum is where I want and need to be. I know what to expect from arthritis, and know how to treat it (I know you understand, unfortunately; I'm sorry you understand so well). It's Meniere's that I have no control over. It has a mind of its own. My not having any control causes me to feel frustrated, for there's little I can do to help myself. If something needs to be done in order to help myself, I do it, even if I hate it. With Meniere's, there's little to do but wait. I'm praying it's at its worst now, and won't get as bad as the two major episodes. There is a difference between episodes and symptoms. Symptoms are what episodes leave behind. I was diagnosed at UC San Francisco in 1992 after I suddenly lost all hearing in my left ear (massive doses of prednisone brought it back to about 75%). I'd never had an ear problem ever. I had been to a Celtic fair, so I thought perhaps I'd gotten just too danged happy following the Petaluma bagpipe band around all day, but it was more likely the prolonged loudness that caused the nerve to object. Jerry, Amberly, and I have fun at the Celtic fairs, but we can't get Jerry to wear his kilt. He will wear other items to show his clan pride, but he won't leave his knobby knees hanging out (his words, not mine; he has cute knees). Amberly and I love wearing our outfits we had made in Scotland, but he won't join us clothing-wise. I had to learn to walk upright again after the second major Meniere's episode, because what seemed upright wasn't. I was mostly in bed for 5 months due to severe vertigo, so this is the reason I'm a wee bit nervous. Meniere's is an ugly beast, and affects different people differently, and even the same person differently. The positive thing is that thus far, I've been able to function well. Each major episode takes something away permanently to some degree. Considering, I think I've done well. Perhaps this is a time of prolonged symptoms rather than a major episode. That has happened before, so that's what I choose to expect. I believe whatever is happening is at least partially due to my not being able to cry after surgery. "Tears are God's gift to us. Our holy water. They heal us as they flow" (Rita Schiano). There is much truth to this. My doctor was concerned that I was going to have an episode due to extreme stress when Jerry was in the hospital and since. Crying helped me during that crisis and afterward. I think my not being able to cry while Beauregard was so pitifully and miserably sick and after his death was the last straw. I've worked hard at not crying as instructed, and with God's help, I've succeeded thus far. Not being able to cry is unnatural and absurd though. Jerry just has to be all right until my retina heals, for I do not have the resolve or strength to control tears where he is concerned. I'm telling the results of my not crying here so others will cry out their hurts, if possible. God gave us our tear ducts to protect our eyes, and to pray from our heart when we have no words. Blessings, Carrie
  7. Harry, I am so sorry. I join my prayers with those of the others here. Please know I care that you all are hurting. Blessings, Carrie
  8. Dear Butch, I cannot add to what has been said, so I will add my voice with the others. I pray for you and for your family each morning. Like Kay said, they have each other. Try your best to take care of you for this time. You are special to all of us. Carrie
  9. Mia, What an accident! Shots in the toe sounds like as much fun as shots in the nose (or eye). What was your speed when you banged your toe into the furniture? It was probably about like mine when I got my foot caught in the tree root. It didn't feel like we were breaking the speed limit, did it? I suspect you are going to have one sore toe for a while. Your heart and spirit are in a good and right place, and God is indeed with you. I will add your toe accident to my prayer list (I need to write lists these days), and will ask God to heal you quickly and completely. I also pray He will keep you out of pain. Blessings, Carrie
  10. Dear Marj, I am just learning about Hamish and your prayer request for him. I will pray for you, as well as for him. We've all learned to love him, you know. I haven't been on the forum a lot lately due to a combination of an arthritis flare, Meniere's episode, and cataract surgery. It's for certain suppressed stress can upend us. I've been upended before, and by the grace of God, have been able to fight my way back to reasonably good health. I expect to again. Tonight I sound like the little old lady I am. Not being able to cry for my babies pushed me into a Menieres episode. Stress and sodium are the two primary things that cause Meniere's episodes. I definitely control the sodium (500 mg), but the long-time stress caught up with me. I feel like I'm neglecting you and others, but each of you is in my thoughts and prayers daily. Please let us know how you are when you feel like it, and are ready. Warm hugs, Carrie
  11. Dear Anne, I really enjoyed hearing your happy heart, and I'm so happy for you. Your happiness warms my heart. Kay, it hardly seems possible your little one is three months old! I'm happy you'll get to see her soon. Carrie
  12. Carrie, You know all of us fell in love with your Chester. That boy even had a special tail! ❤️ Carrie, too
  13. Good morning, I'm writing to say "Hi" to all, to give an update on my cataract surgeries, and to thank each of you for caring and for praying for me. God is good, and although I'm not "out of the woods" yet, I will soon be fine. The only problem I had with the first surgery was that I felt the block. I didn't even need a Tylenol when the feelings returned afterward. My vision was crisp and clear, and things were so much lighter and brighter. Because I felt the block the first time, the second block was done differently. I had the worst headache afterward than I've had since giving birth to Amberly with the help of a spinal (11-day headache then!). My head and eye hurt terribly all afternoon, and throughout the night. There was no ease or let up. I'm sure the Tylenol 3 (codeine) must have helped, but not nearly enough. I felt the first block because the numbing drop had not taken effect before the dilating drop was administered. I was supposed to have just these two drops, but I was given four drops in quick succession. Apparently, two nurses did the same job, or one did it twice. The bottom line is they washed out my numbing drops causing me to feel pain, rather than pressure, during the block. After the second surgery, I no longer see things as crisp and clear with the first eye corrected. Things are much blurrier now. My hope and prayer is that my vision will not become even blurrier. Because the second surgery took longer, my retina is "bleached out," and there is little difference in brightness than prior to surgery. The positives are that I can see, and there is hope corrections can be made with a prescription. There is also hope that my retina will heal on its own and within a few days. I am so very grateful to see as well as I do. I'm not complaining. I am explaining. I am fine and am very appreciative. I believe I will improve with time, but I could live contentedly as I am. My Meniere's symptoms are bad (I feel intoxicated and wobbly-legged ~ like walking in a small boat on water). Stress and sodium are the two major things that cause or exacerbate Meniere's symptoms. I can control the sodium, but cannot control the stress completely. The stress of the surgeries and struggling to not cry over the loss of our babies (Ashely, Callie, and Beauregard) until my eyes heal are among my stressors. We are socked in with smoke from the Butte Fire, which is still burning out of control fifteen miles from us, and ashes are falling here like fine snow. The ground is covered with ashes deep enough that when we walk, we leave footprints, and our footfalls cause little puffs of ashes to jump upward. Amberly said that the ashes seen in her headlights as she was coming home last night, looked like lightly falling snow. Melones Dam is between us and the fire, so we feel reasonably safe. We have friends who are evacuated, and friends of friends who have lost their homes in this fire. Rescue teams are getting as many horses and cattle out as they can. Between 200 - 400 horses have been brought to Sonora (where Amberly works), and others to different locations. Please remember these people and the precious, terrified, and frantic wild animals in your prayers. Many animals are in physical pain. One man called his son to say he was trapped. The latest news I heard is that he has not been heard from since. Perhaps he's found safety. My problems pale in comparison. Amberly left this morning for her forensic nursing training at the Department of Justice Building in Sacramento this morning. We encouraged her to not cancel this training, especially since her work requires her to take the class. All expenses and tuition are paid for, and as a bonus, she was given a surprise night on the Delta King in Sacramento tonight. Her evening will include dinner and live theater. We couldn't let the kid miss that. Her room is on the Sacramento River side, rather than on the city side, which is even better. I was invited to an evening on the Delta Queen, the sister ship to the Delta King, at Greenville, MS during my dating days. We are delighted Amberly has this opportunity all these years later. If you're interested in these ships (wooden paddle boats), you can find them on Google. They have an interesting history. Amberly arranged for two of her staff to be on call for us medically, and our programmer will be back from West Virginia late Tuesday night. He would get us out in case of fire. I promised Amberly that we would take only necessities if evacuated. We are surrounded by huge dead pine trees (up to 150 - 200 ft tall) that loom over us, so we are in great fire danger. California is in much trouble due to drought. We've lived in the same area for forty-seven years (over 30 in same house), and have seen nothing like the results of this drought. Not every tree will die, and after this time of being ugly, the area will become beautiful again. These mountains and this forest are an awesome place to live, and they're home to us. We stay. A big Thank You and big Hugs to each of you. Please remember me when you pray. I pray for you all also ~ every morning. ❤️ Blessings and hugs,Carrie
  14. Thanks, Marty.❤️ I write like I talk. Sometimes I write like (as) I think, and wish I coulc suck it back in. ? Carrie
  15. Mary, I agree that some vets need to have their license revoked. In the case of the vet who harmed Ashely due to his ego, aggorance, and high temper, I would like him to be suspended for as long as it takes for him to acknowledge to himself, if to no others, that he made a colossal mistake that cost a little Doxie to lose her life at least months too soon, and caused her horrible pain before she died. I would also want him to not be allowed to practice until he has had anger management therapy ~ successfully. He acknowledges he has a temper. He told Jerry and me years ago that he causes his wife and staff much hurt because of it. In retrospect, what appeared to be acknowledging his problem in order to help himself, appears to have been bragging. Skill-wise, he is among the best, and he knows it. That is what caused the problem. He wasn't as good as he thought he was, and he should not have played Veterinary Denistry Cowboy with my wee little girl baby. In truth, he does a lot more good than damage. He is a good man and a good vet who has some major faults. I pray he will obtain appropriate counsel, and will get well himself. He is sick. If he gets well, he will benefit many sick animals, and I will need to set my personal feelings aside. Today, I don't like him, I don't respect him, and I will tell the truth on him to anyone who will listen to me. I would like to add "only for the sake of his patients," but that's not the entire truth. I'm "mad" at him still. I confess that for a while I would not have minded much if someone had strung him up from a tall tree by some of his most precious-to-him body parts. As a Christian, I know this kind of thinking is wrong. Sometimes I struggle. I have a bit of anger myself right now. My hair is turning silver fast, but my Scots-Irish roots are still red. Carrie
  16. Dear Mary, I believe I understand ~ at least somewhat ~ your hurt, anger, frustration, and struggle to not have bitterness in your heart. Me, too. These feelings are common among us who advocate for our short-legged family members (and for long-legged ones with doctors). In hindsight, we see clearer what we could have done differently that might have made a difference, at least for a little while. It's difficult to keep the "I wish so much I had, or had not's" from driving us mad (sometimes we do a bit of that even, I think). I can do this with "the best ov'em," but it doesn't help my babies, my family, or myself. Although it hurts my family and myself, I struggle to not have these thoughts. I must consciously talk myself out of them, and pray myself through them. I know, for now, I must divert my mind (in a few weeks when I am allowed to cry, and am parroting back to you what you are feeling now, feel free to preach me this same sermon, for I will need it [smile]). The truth is, we are hurting together and are trying to help the other one (all other ones) to not hurt. We are going to hurt; we are going to love each other through it; and we are going to find other fur babies who need our help. We will help them, love them, and will make a new set of "mistakes" during their last days. I'm basing this on my own experiences, and realize it may not be true for all. For me, what else can I do? Blessings and hugs, Carrie
  17. Dear Mary, How can I tell you how sorry I am? I think you know, because you've hurt for me (as have others, and I am grateful to each for the care and support). Jerry has hypoglycemia, and I have to hurry to get a snack and/ or juice into him quite often ~ almost daily. Of course, I can't say about your little Yorkie. I'm just so sorry. Many of us have hurtful vet stories, don't we? (Kay, I can only imagine your feelings regarding George. ❤️). I'm hurt with some aspects of Callie and Beauregard's care (not angry), but am still distraught - and cross-eyed mad - regarding Ashely's mis-treatment and her death that resulted. The difference is one situation was an accident, and the other one was due to a mean, high-tempered, arrogant vet who wanted to show his competitor that he could do a surgery that his competitor had sensibly refused to do. He convinced me to believe that he was right. I made a horrible decision, and my baby suffered 3 weeks, and then died. This is not about our babies; this is about you and your precious little one. I agree with Kay. I think all involved should know for the possible safety of other little ones. I was surprised that both the vet who misdiagnosed Beauregard, as well as the hospital owner (she knew all of our Doxies, and treated Callie and Beauregard), acknowledged the mistake. We are sad, but the vet's rationale was reasonable based on what she saw (fluid in lungs and around heart). Radiologist had not given his report. I think most vets and most doctors care. It just hurts terribly when mistakes are made. You have such a kind heart full of love, and you are helping many. You are a blessing. Kay, I think of you and Arlie really often. I'm concerned for you. I will be having my second cataract surgery Wednesday at 8:15. So many things are happening fast here, and this is causing me to not be able to get my mind prepared. I think I will get more organized tomorrow. Please remember I care. I just now shared what you wrote with Amberly. She groaned and said, "Oh, no!" I'm sending warm hugs, Carrie
  18. Thank you, Carrie, for your words. Thank you for your support and prayers. It seems there are Doxies and pictures of Doxies everywhere, and I'm not ready to look at them. I've made it thus far without crying, but I almost lost control at the ophthalmologist's office this afternoon. Jerry went in, and sat in a corner facing me as the tech, who we've known for a long time, did my first refraction after my surgery. With a little squinting, I had 20/20 vision with a prescription! That was a huge surprise, because I'm not sure I've ever been 20/20. Jerry and I both started tearing up while we sat grinning at each other. The tech said to me, "You will NOT cry!" I got a grip. Blessings, Carrie
  19. Dear Butch, Please know I think of you and pray for you each and every morning about 6:30 -7:30 CA time. All of us here on the forum care very much for you and your family. Take good care of yourself. Blessings, Carrie
  20. Hi, everyone, Thanks to all of you for hanging with me. Thank you so much for your care and kindness. I've been so immersed with Beauregard that I forgot that tomorrow is my pre op for my second cataract surgery on the 9th. Can you believe that?! I got a reminder call a little while ago, and it's a good thing I did. That's not a good thing to miss. When Dr. Strand (hospital owner) was here for Beauregard, Amberly told her that although the other vet hastened Beauregard's death by giving him lasix that caused his kidneys to fail and caused him to stroke, she wanted her to know that we aren't angry with her. Dr. Strand said she herself was aware this had happened, and appreciated our understanding. The next morning when Amberly went to get Beauregard to take him to the crematorium, the other vet came rushing to her, and held her in her arms. I'm glad Amberly had opportunity to ease her mind, and help her find peace. It was an accident. Everyone tried hard, and did her best. That's all we can ask. I figure I can cry on October 15th. I have not cried, but I've had some really close calls. I keep remembering, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." So far, so good. I am grateful for your prayers, for you are helping me stay strong. Mia, I do take comfort in knowing Beauregard is not suffering any longer, yet images of his last days seem stamped on my eyeballs. It was bad. He was SO nauseated. Cancer is a terrible thing, and it had spread throughout him before we even knew. How in the world could that have happened without our knowing?! I was right with him. Amberly slept with him. I thought I knew all there was to know about him "from A to Iszard." We waited for Connie in an effort to give him an easier death (we knew she is experienced and compassionate). That was a mistake, because Connie didn't call until early afternoon, after we had arranged for Dr. Strand to be here. I think mistakes at such times must be inevitable. We do our very best, and still they wind up suffering, and we wind up feeling remorse for not doing things differently. And the images torture our minds for a long time. When this happens, we must deliberately guide our minds away to a place of safety. I'm starting to ramble and write my thoughts, which belong in a journal rather than here, so I will tell y'all Goodnight. Blessings and hugs all around, Carrie
  21. I want a cat! Yours are so pretty, Marj. I hope you are feeling better. Hugs, Carrie
  22. Dear Kelly, My heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry for your loss. Animal cruelty is unimaginable to those who are sane, and it hurts and angers me like few other things hurt and anger me. As Marty said, we are all animal lovers here. We understand your hurting heart, and we care that you are hurting. My family just got our little fur baby home from the crematorium last night. We feel red raw today. I'm glad you found such a special fur baby. She needed you, and you were there to help her with open arms and heart. This makes you special also. Blessings, Carrie
  23. Dear Friends, Amberly brought Beauregard home tonight. Jerry, Amberly, and I were together as I placed him tenderly on the top shelf of the bookcase with Ashely, Callie, and Catey Elizabeth. Catey has a cedar urn that is lighter in color than the matching cedar urns of the other three babies (died within 10 months, so matching urns were available). With tears streaming down his face, Jerry said, "Now, our little family are at Home together." We imagined them running as fast as they can together, as they used to do here at home. We held onto and rocked each other in a group hug. We told our wee boy, who thought himself to be a big bloodhound, 'Bye (can't say the whole word). Note: I wrote the following last night. I fell asleep, and couldn't send it. Up again at 3. Rough day regarding Jerry today (expect him to be ok), so am just now able to write to tell you that I appreciate each one of you so much. -----Thank you Marj, Marty, Kay, Anne and all (beginning to be a roll call ❤️), Such a meaningful, heart-wrenching, beautiful poem, Marty. It's too bad the author is unknown, for someone deserves much credit, and is owed much gratitude. I think most, if not all of us here, understand and identify with the words, although we wish we didn't. The vet was late, but it could not be helped. Amberly and I gave Beauregard the last of Ashely's Valium and his buprenex, so he was quite sedated. Dr. Strand didn't need to give the usual IV. She gave him a shot. He gave two small gasps, and flew away Home to God who gave him life. I had thought to "park" Jerry in his office, but Jerry had other ideas. Just before Dr. Strand arrived, Jerry covered the couch in Sonspot with Chux for Amberly, got everything prepared for her to sit with Beauregard, came to get me, and suggested that he and I take a walk down to the Hollow. He said that we would come right back to Amberly. His hurting hip made walking difficult for him; even so, I knew I would be taking a walk. He had determined he would protect my eye from tears. Many years ago, I planted strawberries among the roses for the birds. That worked well for the birds before Beauregard became our boy. He declared every strawberry on the property his. He waded through the "tall" alyssum, and got scratched by rose thorns daily from June until frost as he searched for his strawberries. He'd eat them green before they could ripen. The only ones that got red were the ones he didn't find while green. We enjoyed watching him "on a hunt." The alyssum made him smell sweet like a girl, but we didn't insult his masculinity by telling him. This morning as I looked out at the East Garden, I was glad there are no strawberries right now. I didn't want there to be any today. Tomorrow maybe. As Jerry and I began our walk toward the Hollow, right there barely into the garden, was the brightest red strawberry. My eyes were riveted upon it. I had a rough few moments. Had Beauregard been able to get outside last week, it would have been eaten already. I struggled to not cry at the sight of it. It just didn't seem right for it to be there since little ole Beauregard was upstairs in Sonspot losing his life. The birds are welcome to have those they find tomorrow, but not that one. I picked it, and threw it away ~ as far down into the Hollow as I could throw it. As soon as we saw Dr. Strand getting into her vehicle, we hurried to Amberly who was standing in the front yard. I saw her wiping her eyes as we approached. I held her in my arms, and rocked her. She whimpered a little, but would not cry. She was afraid her crying would cause me to cry (I thought it might.). I knew she felt like she was about to explode inside, because I did also. I knew just the thing that would cause her to let go, and let the tears come. I told her about the strawberry. That did it. That "really" did it. She needed to cry. She's been right with Beauregard for days - and nights, and has tenaciously fought a medical battle that could not be won. We needed something ~ just anything ~ to do. The three of us decided to go to Amberly's house to see what the workers will be doing in her yard tomorrow. Jerry said he would go lock our house first. I waited in the driveway. Amberly went inside. I heard her let out an air-piercing wail that simply broke my heart. She forgot we had opened the windows to air out the house, and she thought she was all alone in Jerry's office. She turned around to find Jerry right with her. He hadn't deliberately followed her, but was glad he had. She needed him. I know she will cry alone tonight. It's the way of things. She knows we are an intercom away, if she chooses to not be alone. She will be alone, yet not alone. She will have a Comforter. We are hurting so deeply, yet we will get through this. We must, and so we will. Thus far, God has answered our prayers, and has helped me to control my tears. Amberly's scream was not so silent, and just about broke down all my resolve. I feel like I'm trembling inside, and I am drawn taut like a bow string. My legs feel so limber. When Jerry said that we needed to walk to the Hollow, I wasn't sure my legs were going to hold me up so very well. Neither of us was steady, but we made it with just a wobble now and then. The yard feels so empty ~ so unearthly quiet. No more Doxies racing for balls or hunting for strawberries. For the briefest moment, I thought I saw Beauregard in the alyssum following Amberly while she was trimming the roses this afternoon. My breath caught. Amberly felt like she had to actively do something, so she went to the garden. Her supervisor told her to take as much time off as she needs, but Amberly will be back in her office tomorrow after she gets Beauregard from the vet's office, and takes him to the crematorium. That sounds just too hard to hear myself say. I know you guys know this hurt I'm feeling. May God hold each of you tenderly. Carrie
  24. Mary, thank you for saying that Beauregard is a lucky boy to have us as his family. He is definitely loved, for sure and certain. Thank you for caring. I know you are hurting also. I care that you are hurting. My hurt helps me understand your hurt, and that of others ~ at least somewhat. We all understand grief, so we reach out to each other. Doesn't this make us all a family somehow? Thank you for reaching out to me. Amberly has kept Beauregard mostly comfortable by giving him buprenex and Valium. I had kept Ashely's Valium in case Callie or Beauregard had a need. They both did at the end. It hurt me to see Ashely's name on the bottle this morning when Amberly asked me to crush half a tablet for Beauregard, but it feels like our wee girl has a part in helping her Beauregard. There is only one and a half tablets left now. I pray more won't be needed. Right now, Amberly has Beauregard splayed out onto her tummy with his head snuggled on her chest. She said this is the only position in which he's comfortable now. When I brought the Valium to her, I noticed she is not drinking enough water. She said, "I'm trying not to move." She has moved little since the last time she took him to the vet on the day he was given a shot of lasix that caused his kidneys to fail. I forgot to say that when he went into kidney failure at 3 Thursday morning, he mouth-breathed twice, and stroked. His hind legs have not worked since that shot, and his bladder appears paralyzed also. Amberly's wishing she had a pediatric catheter (not that she's ever cathed a dog before . . . We are not angry with the vet, because her diagnosis appeared to be right, and she was trying to help him. Her attitude is good, and she's compassionate. She did her best to help him. Knowing this helps "somewhat." The outcome is the same. We are waiting for a call from the vet. The suspense and dread are awful. Rushes of adrenalin wash over us, and we want to flee or stop time. I want Jerry to go to somewhere that he won't be involved in the euthanasia. Amberly told me to go with her Daddy to a different part of the property. That sounds reasonable, but when is a mother's heart going to listen to reason? I am so pulled. My own reasoning tells me to go to the office with Jerry while our good friend Connie is here for Beauregard (will also comfort Amberly), and then I must come back to hold my daughter. Kay, we on the forum are indeed friends. We know each other on a deeper level through our writings than many who are together physically, for it is here we bare our hearts to each other. We expose our beauty marks and our warts, for we know we won't be abandoned. We feel safe, for we are safe. Thank you for saying that Beauregard is lucky to be part of our family. Can you imagine the hole that little hound is going to leave in our lives? There's nothing like a hound yodel to me. We will have lost all three of our precious, precious babies within ten months. To go from having three Doxies "rip snorting" through the house to unreal quiet is truly strange. I'm hearing nothing right now, except the ringing in my ears, and I think a distant chain saw. I'm not even sure about the latter; perhaps it's just my ears changing tones (Meniere's). The office and the shop are where we, particularly Jerry, will miss the boy most. The sounds of the shop sometimes frightened our girls, but the boy was always eager to see whatever Jerry was doing. Jerry's always laughed at how Beauregard was interested in everything that was going on. Jerry said that he seemed to say, "What are we building, Daddy? Pick me up to the workbench, and let me see." In the office, Beauregard has a bed with a light right at Jerry's feet. Yep. Jerry's going to be lost without him, because he is always was underfoot ~ almost literally. He seemed to know that he was a "man" like his Daddy. Beauregard thought Amberly and I, along with Ashely and Callie, belonged to him. No male could approach us without his permission, which he would not give until we told him he could go off duty. That was instinct; we didn't teach him that, in fact, it was rather annoying. Connie might not be coming after all. We may have a different vet, but this one is good with a needle and we like her. We will know soon, for Amberly just answered the phone. Amberly says that it will be Dr. Strand who will come at 1:30. Now, we know a time, and it's so final. Having a time is like putting a period at the end of a life. Pray, and we will get through this. God is the true Wind Beneath our Wings. This is SO hard. I'm willing myself to not cry. Seeing the tears of my family might weaken my resolve. Amberly's not going to be able to help crying. She's going to outright bawl. I know her. She told me to go elsewhere, although it's not Connie who is coming. I don't think I can do that. The three of us will likely wind up together, for that's what seems right. I'm trying to "park" Jerry, but I'm not sure he will stay parked. Mia, thank you for allowing me to use your thread. I started to begin a new thread, as I did for Callie, for it seems I'm slighting Beauregard. I'm just not up to it. Hugs and a big Thank You to all, Carrie
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