Thank you both it means a lot to me. Its hard to be around people daily that have no compassion. Most of time it seems who I am surrounded by gets irritated when I try to speak of my feelings. Which is why I logged on here. Its much easier to express your feelings to people who understand the pain. I hope he does go into hospice to from what I hear they are wonderful. But its his choice and even tonight I tired again just to speak of it and he is still not ready. He feels that if he has a surgery in january to clean out his neck (his carotid artery is blocked 95 percent which is what caused both strokes and the heart attack) that he will magically be healed. The problem is not his clogged arteries its his lungs and he just won't see it that way. I know in my heart it won't help much. He is growing weaker and weaker being able to do less and less for himself. Our plan for christmas was for him to stay the night Christmas eve so he can be here christmas morning when my daughter wakes up and share that moment with us however its not going to happen. He will come over for christmas for a few hours but staying the night would be to much. The poor man can hardly stand up. I'm trying to be strong but I just want to cry constantly. My father is also very demanding and difficult. Half the time I go to see him he demands things and yells at me. I know in his heart he dpsent mean it but it dosent make it any less hurtful. I'm already dealing with enough. I'm really not sure which part is harder letting him go or watching him die. I feel like I have a constant state of anxiety I can't even explain. Every time my phone rings my heart skips a beat. He has been hospitalized so many times over the last few months and every time he goes I think is this going to be it? I try not to be that way but deep down I truly can't help it. He has chronic respitory failure and congestive heart failure. Its hard not to be on alert constantly. Thank you for listening. It feels better to be honest about it