jamiesam

Thank you both it means a lot to me. Its hard to be around people daily that have no compassion. Most of time it seems who I am surrounded by gets irritated when I try to speak of my feelings. Which is why I logged on here. Its much easier to express your feelings to people who understand the pain. I hope he does go into hospice to from what I hear they are wonderful. But its his choice and even tonight I tired again just to speak of it and he is still not ready. He feels that if he has a surgery in january to clean out his neck (his carotid artery is blocked 95 percent which is what caused both strokes and the heart attack) that he will magically be healed. The problem is not his clogged arteries its his lungs and he just won't see it that way. I know in my heart it won't help much. He is growing weaker and weaker being able to do less and less for himself. Our plan for christmas was for him to stay the night Christmas eve so he can be here christmas morning when my daughter wakes up and share that moment with us however its not going to happen. He will come over for christmas for a few hours but staying the night would be to much. The poor man can hardly stand up. I'm trying to be strong but I just want to cry constantly. My father is also very demanding and difficult. Half the time I go to see him he demands things and yells at me. I know in his heart he dpsent mean it but it dosent make it any less hurtful. I'm already dealing with enough. I'm really not sure which part is harder letting him go or watching him die. I feel like I have a constant state of anxiety I can't even explain. Every time my phone rings my heart skips a beat. He has been hospitalized so many times over the last few months and every time he goes I think is this going to be it? I try not to be that way but deep down I truly can't help it. He has chronic respitory failure and congestive heart failure. Its hard not to be on alert constantly. Thank you for listening. It feels better to be honest about it

Thank you anne no I have not been able to speak to a counselor. I'm setting that up after christmas. I'm also joining a grief support group as well. My dad refuses hospice my doctor and I have tried to talk him into it and he refuses. Its still his choice at this point. Its just so hard to watch him decline and unfortunately its a slow process with copd. Like I said I have no one. My friends don't understand because they have not been through it yet. I always kind of thought since I have experienced death already that I qould handle my dads better when the time came. And its the exact opposite. Its almost harder. I love him so much.

This will be long so please bare with me. I am 27 years old now. When I was 14 I watched my mother die of cancer. Last year in august my uncle died of liver failure. The only living family member I have left is my father amd he is dying of copd. Has not passed yet but will be soon. I do have a 4 year old daughter but obviously I cannot share my feelings with her. I truly am all alone on this and its heart breaking. I've never had any grandparents or siblings and with hpw young I am no one aroumd me understands. I've had friends I've been close to since grade school say very hurtful things about me and I feel like I have no one. In march of this year my dad went into upper respitory failure. While on life support he had a heart attack and a stroke. I had no choice but to admit him into a nursing home because he could not do things on hos own anymore. The father I used to have and the father I have now are two different people. In july of this year he had another stroke which just made things worse. And ever since then he is constantly in and out of the hospital. I am driving back and forth constantly to see him and be there for him but to see him deteoriating is just awful. To make it worse he is in a complete state of denial about what's happening he is refusing hospice. So its all on me. I feel like I can't do this much longer. I'm so stressed out with anxiety and just plain exhausted. My own fiance dosent even understand he still has both his parents. I do not wakt to go to work anymore I do but I don't want to. Things that never were an issue before seem like a chore like keeping up with my house. I'm just done. I really need to speak to someone who understands because no one arounde does. I don't know how people do this. How do I keep going when I just want to fall apart. I've always tried to consider myself a strong person but I feel weaker than ever. I love my dad and this has been on going for months now I do not know when it will end. I do believe I am in a stage of grief. Its getting harder to go see him he is also very very demanding. He still knows who I am I can communicate with him and as much as I truly don't want to lose him I can't imagine another 6 months of this either. Please someone just talk to me tell me I'm not completely losing my mind