Froggie4635

Well....here it is 2021. After the isolation of Covid for over a year, I am struggling emotionally. I am now seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist. I have felt extremely emotionally numb for YEARS. My PTSD is over the top. I kept it in check for years, but when the man I am involved with had a stroke in my bathroom, and I had to repeat the experience I had the day Mark died....it sent me into a tailspin. The hours at my job was reduced by half last month....I am forgetful, can't focus. I am awaiting an appointment with a neuropsychologist to do some testing. A large part of me wants to hide away from the world....I no longer get any joy from the things I always did before. I don't know if all this comes from losing Mark, or if it is something more...but I am working to find out. I miss Mark.

Sorry for being away for so long, everyone. Tomorrow will be 6 years that Mark has been gone....SIX years. It is longer than we were married. I am trying not to let it consume me, but it is so prevalent in my life right now. Could it be the pandemic? I said something to my doctor yesterday and she said that this pandemic is accentuating everything. I lost my cousin in October to CoVid...she had come down to Houston for my wedding with my aunt and now they are both gone. It's like I had all these feelings all under control (HA HA) but now that I pulled off the band aid so to speak, it is all fresh and making me feel very vulnerable. Yesterday morning I had to scrap frost off my car, and thought that if Mark were here, he would have taken care of that and warmed up my car for me. Yesterday was his birthday. These three days (Dec 2, 3, 4) hold so many memories; good and bad. I have been doing things this week to make me feel better....a friend at work moved into her first house and I have been giving her some of the things I had stored away (they are all in her favorite color) and she has a little girl, so I am doing some pretty pink things for her....it makes me feel better, but doesn't relieve this feeling. I worked from home from April until last month, when I went back into the office full-time, with a VERY segregated office. I have health concerns, so I worry about exposure. Isolating doesn't help the feelings of loss....but I want to be safe. Have already had two Covid tests. And this is probably horrible sounding, but I am relieved that my parents are not living; I would be beside myself worrying about their safety and care right now. I hope that everyone is safe and cared for here...

Here is latest book published by the Grief Diaries series. It was just released in printed version yesterday.

Am feeling a little familiarity right now. Monday, I lost my older brother, Chuck the same way I lost my husband, Mark....heart attack. Feeling that same numb feeling. Although I had not seen my brother in many years, that love and closeness never goes away. I always had a very special connection to him and have GREAT memories of him as my brother and also of him as a husband and father. My bond with him is one of the reasons I am the woman I am today and I know the coming days and months are going to bring that pain of seeing that void where he once was. I feel so much for his wife of 46 years, knowing what such a sudden loss can do to you. It's like everything is all wrapped and rolled in together.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/f.html?C=Z9SQXHR9LXA4&M=urn:rtn:msg:20190323213710c01e7f97cc4741419084108e2940p0na&R=242JZFX0SQVSK&T=C&U=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2Fauthor%2Fmaryannmueller%3Fref_%3Dpe_1724030_132998060&H=KPTHTN7C23KNEGQHNINMJUHHVXUA&ref_=pe_1724030_132998060 Here is the link to Amazon.

Wanted to share with all my friends here on the forum. I wouldn't have been able to do this without all the help and support from each and every one of you.

Tomorrow would have been my 10th wedding anniversary, and I lost my husband, Mark in December 2014. I now have someone new in my life, and it brings on all sorts of feelings; happy, warm, yet something is also missing. For the past four Valentine's I have really just tried to ignore it...turned my eyes away when I saw the displays and advertisements for roses and hearts & flowers. Just didn't want to think about it...the things I enjoyed about the holiday were gone. But now, I want to have that feeling again; to want to shower someone with love and let them do the same for me. This will be a year of adjustments. I am so lucky that he understands and gives me all the room I need to have all these different feelings...he knows that Mark will FOREVER be a part of my life, and that means he will also be a part of "our" life as a couple. It's one of those things that you have to move your way through with no real suggestions on how to do it. I'm happy again. I know that Mark has something to do with it...and that makes me smile.

Anne, We have developed this special bond....and I always look to your warm words of wisdom and care. I will come back to this post when it seems I need a little nudge to get back on track when I find myself straying a bit from my journey. Maryann

I understand this so much more, now that I have found someone new to walk with. He understands my loss, and what it did to my life and honors Mark right along with me. Ken wanted to try and understand more, so he could be supportive of me and losing Mark; he went online and read as much as he could about what happens when someone becomes a widow. I was so very touched by that. Today is four years I lost Mark, and my emotions are just beneath the surface...but it makes it easier knowing there is someone who will accept my grief and support me in every way possible. I feel blessed.

Four years ago today, my life took a direction I had never anticipated. My husband, Mark died suddenly and unexpectedly of a heart attack...ripped out of my life with no notice. These four years have been a journey of learning about myself and finding new meaning and a "new normal". I know that Mark would be so proud of me, and still walks along with me as I make my way. He was the best thing that had ever happened to me, and we loved each other very much. It has become easier to smile more, but this solemn day reminds me how very precious life is and to value each person who enters it and make sure they know that they are loved and appreciated.

Life moves along, sometimes so quickly that you don't have time to acknowledge all the things that are going on. I am still dealing with the after affects of my car accident, and it is approaching a year. I am meeting with a therapist for a few sessions; part of the treatment for my accident, and perhaps to show some emotional distress. Am finding out how VERY attached I was to my car and all the memories and importance it held in my life...pretty significant. I was forced to give it up, just like I was forced to give up Mark when he died. I had a stronger connection to it than I do to my house...if you can believe that. I recently allowed a friend to move in because she was in a truly horrible situation, and I couldn't continue to allow it to happen. It has been a major adjustment over the last two weeks; I know that I need to encourage and push her to begin to help herself as she has safety and peace now. On a more positive note, over the past month I have been getting to know someone who has plans to relocate to Houston before Thanksgiving. He is the first man I have met that "gets it" in regards to being a widow and how it affects your life forever. We both kind of agree that Mark has brought this man to my life...he is so similar to Mark in many ways, but also very different and will add so much to my life. I am so much stronger than I have been in a very long time. I started dressing better, wearing make up and walk with a confidence I have not had in a long time. Yesterday I received news that a former colleague, who we worked closely with in our office, lost her battle with breast cancer; the first person I have known on such a level to die since Mark, and I am trying to deal with the feelings and emotions it is presenting at this time. But I get through each day, and keep moving forward...always aware of all that is going on.

It still amazes me the signs and messages. Life has been changing so very much and I still know that he is there watching.

I just got the CD and loaded the songs on my iPod that I take to work....when this song came on, I smiled with tears in my eyes. Monday was three years that Mark has gone.

Like Marty, I can't find the words. My heart just hurts so very much for Butch and his family.