Rozemon

Hi. I am so sorry for your loss. Your trip sounds amazing. I too am a huge believer is the spirits. My husband passed about a month ago. The Saturday afternoon the memorial service I had this overwhelming desire that I had to go to the beach. I was having this inner war about going to the beach or taking a nap. My normal spots were unavailable and I ended up guided, no doubt by Kevin, to the area of the beach where we had gotten married 9 years before (he died the day after our 9th anniversary). I got to the beach and there were waves and a surf contest. One of his favorites things. I watched for awhile had a cry and found this peace I needed and it's been that way ever since. I miss him a lot but he took me back there to bring it full circle. At that moment I also realized that the accident happened (motorcycle accident) where we meet 14 years ago for our first date. When he was here he was jealous of my ability to feel so deeply and see things. Now I think he is using it to his advantage and grateful that I recognize the signs and follow the breadcrumbs when need be. I am glad you enjoyed your trip and knew that Mark was there with you the whole time.

One month ago I said good bye to Kevin for the last time. It was today the 8th even though I know he was gone when the accident happened on the 7th. It happened all so fast. The night before was our anniversary and we stayed in and had a quiet dinner and commented what a lame anniversary but that was ok. For the first time in a long time it was peaceful and we were calm. Thursday morning I woke up and just had a feeling that it was going to be a bad day. Little did I know how bad it was going to be. He was finally off to get a job and was on his way to fill out the application and take the next step. He was a year and 3 weeks clean and sober. What a journey it had been and was still and continues to be. The motorcycle accident happened and my life was turned upside down. I know I made the right decisions at the hospital. We had talked and he feared being trapped between two worlds and wanted peace. I can say that I think this is one of the few times he is at peace. The daily struggle he faced due to mental illness and being in recovery for addiction was difficult on both of us. My friends and family have been amazing. I haven't had my breakdown yet but I know it's coming. More and more things are finishing up and I'm having less and less to do. So now it's bound to happen. I have my moments where I lose it and then I'm fine. Some days I'm almost grateful because I know he is at peace and the daily struggle is over for both of us. What gets me most days is that I don't have him to send that text to or to call with that random fact or when something good or bad happens. That sucks the most. We texted about everything and anything most days. I'm ok being alone as he was a truck driver for 2 years and had been gone for months at a time. But we could still talk and text and did it non stop everyday. Now there is so much quiet. But it is peaceful. If only my mother in law could get with the program. I know she is grieving but she did not really have a place in his life but feels that age is entitled to making demands on me. It's just starting to hit home. I want to be sad and my body is defiantly grieving but my brain doesn't always agree. Sometimes I think the ultimate meltdown might still be months away. But the other part of me wonders if I really will ever have a meltdown. We had so many issues over the years and the last few had been very difficult but things were getting better. I just don't know. And I know that's ok but I'm starting to feel guilty. Thanks for letting me share. There is lots more that I could go on for another eight anagrams at least.

Suzanne. Thank you. No I was at work and he was on his way to apply for a new job. I got the call that he had been life flighted up to Jacksonville. I knew right away it was bad and possibly over. We had been through so much in our 14 years - him with drugs for years and finally rehab which he embraced whole heartedly and I was able to get the person back that I had met all those years ago! Thank goodness for our path into recovery and all the support groups. They have helped me so much in the last few weeks I'm a teacher so I went back to work to finish out the school year it was only 2 1/2 weeks. I'm starting to get scared at what these coming weeks hold for me now that school is over. The mother in law and I don't have a good relationship and even though she is his mother she was not really part of his life. Only when it was convenient for her. She added a lot of stress and anxiety for him. So now she's continuing that with me. But what she doesn't realize is that I have no tie to her and I can just ignore her. We live at opposit ends of town and do not have much in common. The lawyers are ok. They are dealing with something's that were set in motion before the accident. I have just had to spend time revising documents and answering questions. All in all I'm still just starting to process all this. He never went over board for my bday but he tried. Tomorrow is my birthday and he is not here. Thank you for listening. I know this was your thread that you started.

Suzanne- you are so right you never always know what triggers the meltdown/breakdown into tears. I lost my husband a month ago from a fatal motorcycle accident. The first Saturday after the funeral I had this overwhelming need to go to the beach. I wasn't in the mood but just had to go so I went. Bc of different obstacles I ended up on the beach down where we had gotten married 9 years prior. It wasn't were I normally go and was not somewhere I really visited. Once there I realized where I was and was choked up. Got myself set up Had a good cry and then had this overwhelming peace and calmness come over me. We had been together 14 years and married for 9 and the accident was the day after our anniversary. I'm now on the next round of people that are finding out. It has been tougher than I thought and now all the work with the attorneys has started. I think my meltdown might be coming sooner than I thought and my mother in law is being difficult again. I wish you peace and that you can make it through each day as it comes. I'm over in St Augustine, Fl.