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About scba

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  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    my boyfriend
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  1. I understand you Gwen. I took him for granted, although he was sick. I took future for granted and now it's over and I regret and blame myself for "not having seen" and "not having done" I miss him in every aspect and in a way I've learn to co-exist with this emptiness. It's part of me now. Sometimes I question why others still have it perhaps because I'm trying to find an answer to "why not me". It's pointless... Today was one of those days in which my love would have been here to protect me from a world that is falling apart.
  2. Two years ago, a religious man told me: "You will meet him again and live a life that will have no end" He wasn't from my religion, I don't practise mine. But somehow I still remember his words and hope they will be true. And that my love life wil be completed, though later.
  3. I look at them and think: "Why it was taken away from me?" and "Why you still have it?" (not proud of this) It's pain who is thinking... ---------------- Sorry Marg, I didn't understand that was about your sister.
  4. Maybe. At the same time, I miss our dreams, those which will never come true.
  5. You are not alone on that Marg, I couldn't write a journal, and whatever email, post or word written about, I cannot re-read them. Sometimes I did and I could not comprehend that was the life I have-I am living. Like "it cannot be true". Also, I cannot read email nor text messages from when he was alive, his letters, anything. It truly breaks my heart, it makes me wake up to fully comprehension about the distance that separates "before" from "today" Somehow "I know" and "I remember very well". I am very aware of what I lost forever.
  6. Some of my dreams with him ended when I made that question. Oh well.....
  7. My fondest memories related to Holidays are attached to childhood. When I was no more a child, and big family became more complexed, Xmas and New Year didn't make sense anymore. Probably because the big family, the big table, the many guests became smaller and smaller, because of death, divorces and dislikes among adults. My fondest memory is from my grandfather dressed as Santa Claus bringing a red bike for me. I'll never forget.
  8. I've booked a flight and I won't be part of the holidays this year. On the one hand, I feel for my parents and sibling to not be with them. Since my love died, I'm much aware that one day they will be gone too, and I feel kind of guilty for not being present for Xmas and New Year. On the other hand, I need a change of atmosphere; a friend of mine is going to be alone for the Holidays so I decided to pay her a visit and spend some time together, without feeling force to organize a dinner, buy gifts and be merry. So, yes.... "No one can win, here"
  9. I would like to suggest a reading from Megan Devine`s blog: "There's a gap in every holiday season, even in our regular lives, between what families want, what tradition calls for, and what we, as individuals want for ourselves. When death happens, that gap becomes gigantic. No one can win, here. As a support person, that pressure you feel to make the holiday season “good” for the people you care about is intense. As a grieving person, that pressure from other people to find joy and goodness, to show that you’ll be “okay,” is a lot to withstand". http://mailchi.mp/refugeingrief/weekly-letter-1266597?e=c2e1f961f7
  10. I'm very very sorry Butch.
  11. I like Josh Groban too, mainly his first CD.
  12. This morning I thought: "I can put lables and names to every thing grief related......but in the end it's all about one single thing: I miss him very very much" How am I going to live the rest of my life with the fact that, it doesn't matter, I just miss him? My days and hours are full.....but missing him. Every day I focus on fill my time, and do and do and do....because I miss him. It's a race to nowhere. Just a thought, I know there's no answer. I'll live....but missing.