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About scba

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  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    my boyfriend
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  1. Katie, our hearts and prayers are with you.
  2. Marg, I left the ICU room and refused to go back when the nurse told me it was time say goodbye, my bf was having a heart attack. I said loud in my soul "I will not say goodbye". I refused to enter into the room after he passed. He died anyhow, and I did not say goodbye. I understand what you did.
  3. DEarGwen, If you don't know what to do, check again Tim Lawrence's article: You are not wallowing, and the related ones. Then, follow Marg´s advise. Remove that account. Make it go to SPAM.
  4. I agree with you Mitch. That`s why in our grief we feel very alone and not understood. I've had three relatives who were widows. My dad`s mum, I think she felt some relief because grandpa was very sick. She loved him but she was not the type of caregiver. Her life as a widow was a very independent and social-active one. I remember she phoned a friend every night. Her only concern in life was his youngest son, he survived her for few years. I am sure they are reunited now. My other grandma, she was in her 50s when she became a widow and loved my grandpa deeply. I`m sure she would have understood me. She was never the same again and then her family fall apart. My aunt, I remember her 60 yo celebration party and the video diplayed with memories of her life and no pictures with my uncle. Nothing. I was shocked. But she and her family went on as nothing has been missing there. These are my examples. I wish my grandmas were alive to talk with them.
  5. I know I am unhappy. My life is an unhappy one. My survival tools, work, household, acquaitances, groceries, yoga, counseling, are all floating in a sea of unhappiness. That is why I wonder how long they will last, how long I WILL LAST. Can you live long being unhappy? I don't want to be on pictures. It is so obvious to me what my eyes and my fake smile are saying. I avoid them. But there is sth/strange.....I look very very much younger now, like a teenager.
  6. Yes Janka, but there is no need of much words sometimes. Here we understand with many words or few words. Grief is hard load to carry. Trying to live and fit in the world while grieving is too difficult. Too many struggles when we need no more. Peace
  7. So sorry Janka. I feel the same as you and I too shed tears tonight missing my soulmate.
  8. scba

    My sister, Donna

    I´m sorry Kay. May your sister rest in peace and meet her beloved son
  9. Katie, I send you hugs, we are praying for your family. You have done nothing wrong.
  10. Dear Gwen, I too understand. I am in year 4 and I don't relive the images of the last week of my boyfriend as often as before. They are not intrusive, sometimes flashbacks. However, I don't need any help nor any tool to describe those days in whole detail, it is all printed in my memory and in my heart and I will remember every detail for the rest of my days. I don't mind anymore if it is labelled as trauma. I didn't ask for it but it happened. Before, I felt blessed and lucky. After, I never felt better than anyone else about my love story. I spent lot of time feeling cursed and disgraced, blaming myself, a victim of some destiny game. I am working very hard to change that. After 4 years, this whole horrible thing, this bill I am paying, is becoming the spiritual journey of my life. My love story questions me every day, but on a deeper level. My external life is set up as any other. A job, bills to pay, rent a place, groceries, gossip and etc. But my spirit is busy somewhere else. I live two lives now and I guess it will be this way for a long time. Again, I didn't ask for it but it happened. My therapist pointed the overthinking. I cannot help it. Peace. Ana
  11. Hello Katie, my heart goes out to you. To say that I cannot imagine is a dumb comment. We cannot. There are no words. I don't know what to say to you that could be proper, but please don't think that it's your fault what happened to your children. George put well into words. It's not your fault. Thanks for sharing Ryan pcitures with us, and for thinking of us in such a difficult circumstance. You heart is very big. Your family is in my thoughts and here we all care about you. Keep coming. Ana
  12. Hello Steph, My boyfriend's precence, or coincidences, have been related to music and total strangers helping me in moments of true trouble. I believe it's his "energy"/"power", not sure if precence. He visits me in my dreams too, but that's another issue in itself. Lately these dreams have been more focused on my need to be with him rather than him playing an active role in the dream. He`s the love of my life. I don't know how to continue without him. I do, but clueless. Peace. Ana
  13. On Women's day (I don't own the following. It's a post from facebook and translated). "You may not notice that she is broken. That you can continue despite a broken heart. I know she has one. Because she needs a piece of it that will never find again; she will live forever without that piece. With an unarmed heart that will never be the same again. However, she stands. She stands up and you may not notice her limp. She goes; she keeps living with those pieces that were left to her, knowing that she will never complete the puzzle that lays on the table. She keeps walking with that emptiness embedded in her chest, she keeps playing with what she still has. She hides the pain coming from the piece that is missing. She rests. She is not healing. She will not heal. She knows it. However, she stands up with the strength of the one who knows that this is how life will be. She already understood that. She knows she lost the battle. She knows. But she can laugh. And sometimes she enjoys the moment. With the awareness that her heart is still broken. She lost just what she did not have to lose. Of all the possible things that she shouldn’t have to lose. And she lost it. And it hurts in the chest and soars in the throat. Strange. She does not hold on to anything that distracts her from the ultimate truth that he is not there and that he will not come back. But she moves forward. Sometimes she stumbles, but stumbles looking at the sky. She continues for what she still has. Does not look for replacements. Broken people keep walking. And she hurts. And she doesn’t deny it. She is not brave. She is not a hero. She isn’t strong. She is simply a woman who, still broken, walks on".
  14. Dear Mitch, I understand what you mean. I think any of us felt the same about our spouses. We could replace names ages and pronouns, and we all feel the same about them and about loosing them. My boyfriend was 31. . I have the same questions you make. I firmly believe he would have been one of those people who would have made a bunch of difference in his world. Why he was taken away from us? There is a book that offers a reply, but it's too sad. Probably because it's true. The best, they just leave earlier. I don't know. In the end It doesn't matter. I'm too at year 3, and during this time I have accepted what I carry with me because of this love that death did not killed. It doesn't make my life easier, it questions me every day about every aspect of an enxistence I never thought would be the result of true love. We are here to confort you when there is no much confort to give. But we understand. Peace.