On March 13, 2015 (Friday the 13th) I lost the love of my life.
It took me 34 years to find D and we shared 20 years together. Actually this Oct. 21st would have been our 20th Anniversary.
D was in the Vietnam Nam War and came home with many injuries both physical and mental. I didn't know him before that but I am told he came back a Very Different Person but all I know is the man I fell in love with was wonderful.
One of his injuries was a head injury that caused him to have epilepsy. He had only has a handful of seizures in our 20 years. He also suffered from PTSD which was sometimes hard to deal with,major depression, borderline personality, and about 10 yrs ago he was diagnosed with Pulmonary Fibrosis.
His lungs were basically turning to rock is the way the doctor explained it to us. Some days he was on oxygen 24 Hrs, some days he didn't need it at all.
On 3/13 he woke me up and told me he thought he was going to have a seizure (he was lucky to have 15-30 seconds before where he could feel it coming on), I told him to lay on the bed and I put my arm across his chest, not holding him down or anything, just laying beside him waiting for the seizure to end. He went thru it like a normal seizure but this time he quit breathing. I panicked, called 911 and proceeded to attempt CPR but because he was on the bed I couldn't get good compressions and I couldn't get him off the bed myself.
EMS arrived but I knew he was already gone. They attempted to get him back but that didn't happen. I was devistated.
I blame myself because I failed to turn him on his side as the seizure was subsiding. I think it would have made a difference and I can't get that feeling out of my head or heart. I knew what to do and I panicked. Now you all will probably say the same thing everyone else says, "it was just his time", " you can't blame yourself", yadda yadda yadda, but I can't get past the pain I have, knowing I might have prevented it.
I am so angry with myself. I don't want to be around others, I go to work and back home. I see my family for small amounts of time. I don't want to be away from home because I feel closer to D in our home. I keep hoping that he will somehow let me know that he's there with me but so far nothing like that has happened. I'm afraid that he's angry with me for letting him die....in my arms.
I've been to Grief Group Therapy, and talked to a woman one on one but I can't get past this place.
Has anyone else experienced this?
