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MarieR

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  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Woodside Hospice,Pinellas Park,FL
  1. Lindsey..I could have written your post..you are experiencing alot of your grief in physical ways.One of the most comforting tools that i used was Marty's book...Getting thru the first year of grief...it has a comprehensive list of all the physical manifestations of grief...as well as info about everything else. You should get a copy and read it thru. I was originally loaned a copy and thought it was such a great tool, that i ordered 3 more so that I would have a few copies for the future if anyone needed that comforting.As far as the burning and numbness in your arms..I've had that too. It was from holding my neck and shoulder muscles so tight in an attempt to armour/protect myself...that I was squeezing the nerves and causing that burning/numb/tingling thing. Find some cd's to listen to at night to help you fall asleep...relaxation/guided meditation cd's. You'll get thru this...even though it feels at times that you've been too wounded to recover...trust that you will.Give yourself permission to operate at 50% right now...that's good enough...do only what needs to be done and don't pressure yourself for anything. The day will come again when you will operate at 100%...be patient with yourself and this process...trust yourself. You will be fine..just take as good of care of yourself as you can. It's ok that you've lost weight..drink protein drinks to supplement your diet until your appetite returns...it will.If it would make you feel better...go get a physical and bloodwork...to know that you're ok physically. I did and all came back better than ever..amazing, since I'd never felt so crappy. Keep posting here and talking..this is the place where no one gets tired of hearing and comforting. Peace to you...Marie
  2. Hi Marty and everyone who responded to my post... Thank you for your loving responses....all such good advice and comforting. I know you all know what this is like. It comes and goes and is something so hard to understand until you've been there. I am moved and grateful for this place. Marty..to answer your questions. I had a huge amount of bloodwork done a few months ago, as well as all my normal female exams...all came back better than ever. I'm not eating well...or as well as I should be. I do alot of the healthy things like vitamins....yeesh...I was going to list all the healthy things that I do but now realize that beyond taking my vitamins most days what I eat is whatever is in front of me or easiest. I definately need to be more deliberate in my eating. My appetite is good..too good...but you're right..I'm not getting enough water or raw, healthy foods like veggies and etc. I'm getting more exercise and it does help..I recently rescued a yellow lab who gives me alot of exercise when we walk..he also showed me that my heart could feel love again..that felt so good. I am currently seeing a massage therapist who works on trigger points in muscles...I did a number on my neck and back while lifting my friend's full body weight as she was too weak to stand.That is slowly getting better.You're so right in that I need to nurture myself more with better food,meditation, exercise. I do journal, listen to relaxation cd's while sleeping, I NEED to do my creative things that distract and fullfill me...I'm not sure why I'm not doing them. I also see how I HAVE been "waiting" for my grief to end...for it to be over. Maybe thinking I'll somehow start to feel like I used to and just get on with it. What I see is that alot has changed...although I am basically the same..the death of my friend and all the loss/issues that came up with that, have definately changed my landscape. I do feel I am searching for that firm and familiar ground to stand on...but I consciously know that I am forever on new ground now. New comfort zone..new everything it feels. This loss has drawn out of me new spiritual experiences that I think I've always known were there, but now have been revealed to me.I am trying to integrate so many new experiences..it feels overwhelming and very difficult to sort out. I do feel I am processing everything..it just takes so long. I have never lost anyone close to me before...grandparents all passed in their 90's. My friend was my age...diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer and fought it for two years. We were both so aware of how much of a treasure our friendship was. It was emotionally intimate. We spoke of being on this journey together and our conversations were always about our life's lessons and how to learn and grow from everything..good and bad. We "traveled or journied" together for 11 years. I could call her if i was upset about something and had forgotten "who I was" and within a few minutes our conversation had me centered and at my place of power and peace within myself.I guess my lesson now is to learn how to do that for myself. When she was diagnosed, I was terrified for her and for me. Watching her die was hell..for all of us who love/loved her. This was also the first time that my words couldn't pull her out of something.We spoke very little about death/dying as she was set on getting well and wouldn't go there. There were brief comments about it and I let her steer. It is so hard loving someone so much and knowing what and how they feel inside about everything. Then to know the thoughts and fears they are having as they are dying. It feels like such a horrible thing to happen to someone so loving. I know that death is inevitable. I know that what has happened was probably meant to happen and there are lessons to be learned. I feel like I'm almost at that place where I can look at everything and see the lessons, the reasons why things happened. I see/feel how I have been changed, strengthened, made more compassionate. I see that priorities have changed. I think that's another thing...priorities have changed and what felt important before no longer holds the same value.The changes feel good and healthy and at the same time I feel naked and exposed now without all the clutter and hallucinations that used to serve me. Losing my friend made my veil of innocence and ability to bullsh*t myself fly right out the window.So here I stand, naked and at Life 101. I do need to rebuild my life it seems. What was once a cracked and shaky foundation under my feet, has been obliterated. I think that's a good thing.So now, I have to build a firmer foundation under me and recreate my life..so to speak. Yesterday as I drove past a church, I was feeling down and worried and looked up in time to see the sign at the church which read..."rebuilding the temple". I thought, that's it. I'm rebuilding the temple. Well, I know there are restrictions on how long of a post I should post...so I will end this one. Again, thank you for the responses. Marty...whenever I post and see that you've responded..I start to choke up.You offer such a loving and safe refuge here...thank you thank you thank you... with love, Marie
  3. Hi all... I've been reading along and moving along. It has been a year and 3 months since my best friend died. I think I've moved thru alot of the intensity of my grief and now what I feel left with is something similar to the wreckage after a train wreck. I feel so afraid...so removed from the person I used to be. I am not myself...my old self. I kinda expected that, but I feel so unmoved by life right now. Nothing seems to thrill me...in fact everything seems to be a struggle to do. I have moments of feeling energetic and ok...but alot of this crappola too. I wonder if my mind is stuck in "negative" mode...am I pushing the grief too hard still, expecting myself to be free of it? Is it realistic to expect to feel joy and happiness and zest for life now...or do I need to cultivate that? My body feels like it has been beaten up, my mind feels like I'm missing a few screws. I am a mess..not sure where to start...not sure I have the energy to start. My body aches, I have headaches, weird stomach stuff...off balance somewhat. My muscles have never been so tense. I feel like i could collapse and at times that would be a welcome rest. I'm just feeling really crappy and now that alot of the dust has settled...I feel huge saddness and depression that my dearest friend died.I feel shell shocked. I don't know what I need.Anybody else feel this way? How do we pick up and move on? Marie
  4. Jeff... I guess that's the nature of grief...in the beginning it feels like a constant state of intense confusion. Then things begin to spread out alittle...more moments of "neutral" times...thankfully those moments come more and more and are longer in their duration. I remember the first time I had a "somewhat peaceful" span of time and I thought.."thank God,it's over"....only to find myself in the thick of it again. After a year and a month, it has settled down somewhat...although I am still surprised at the moments when I suddenly start crying over something that seems so small, but somehow related to my best friend. I lost my best friend to breast cancer after she fought it for two years. Those things that we beat ourselves up for are normal it seems...lots of moments of regret in what we said or didn't say...what we did or didn't do. All part of the process I guess.The depths of emotion are amazing...I had no idea of what grief was like. It is to ride it out..day to day and keep breathing through it. Cry it out, talk or write it out...is what I've done...seems to be all we can do. Hopefully we can be easy on ourselves and realize that it's real easy to beat ourselves up over things right now. So I wish you peace of mind, forgiveness of yourself and your Dad...for whatever reasons. I also wish you courage to keep moving through the process of grief with the open mind and loving heart that it sounds like you have. Peace to you...Marie
  5. Jeff... Sounds like your Mom will be fine. How are you doing in your grief? Marie
  6. Hi Lori and Shell and everyone else... I am so glad someone has touched on this right now in the forum, because it is something I'm trying to figure out as well. I've learned that the emotions and reasons for them are so different in grief than in other stressful situattions. I don't know if that made sense, but my point is...it feels like my actions don't make sense right now.I have been having the same issue with either thinking of or doing things that would indicate getting back to life as usual...and somewhere deep inside (where I can't consciously see it)there is something that stops me cold and i think the unspoken thought is.."your best friend died, there is nothing that you should or can enjoy"...or "it's wrong or disrespectful to feel good"...at times I feel guilt. I guess it's confusing because consciously I know it's ok for me to get on with my life, but emotionally and somewhere deep in my soul I feel I have been wounded beyond words and some primal force inside of me feels such saddness...it overtakes my ability to rationalize.Yeesh...I'm not sure what I just wrote, but I hope it makes sense.Marie
  7. Hi Jeff.. As I read your email about your aunt leaving,the thought occurred to me that your Mom really hasn't been "alone" yet. I think there is a difference when you can have the comforting distraction of another person with you when you are going thru "hell". I've found that it's the time when I am alone, that I am left with my thoughts and fears and really get into doing the work at hand.I say this because if your Mom starts to feel more..she may feel like she is getting worse and can't deal, when in fact it may be that she is just alone with the process of grief...as we all are.My thought was that it might be good to find a local support group for her...for people who have lost their partners. I think that if she does start to feel isolated/more afraid or aware of her feelings..that for her to remember that while your aunt was there it was easier not to be in such deep touch with her grief..as she may be now. My prayer for her and you is that she has processed alot already and will be okay. It sounds like she has wonderful support in you.Just thought I'd add my two cents worth in an attempt to offer you and her support. Peace to you both..Marie
  8. Hi Shelley... I've found that when I have to do things that I feel anxiety about,like getting together for family stuff, I try to approach it with a "be in the moment attitude". Yep, I'd rather stay home where I feel safe and unexposed to anything outside of my comfort zone. (I say that as if I actually have a comfort zone yet). I would say to go with the knowledge that no matter what comes up, you'll be okay. You will. If you find yourself in overwhelm..explain that to your sister and take some time to breathe, be alone,walk...whatever brings you close to your center. I know our "center" is a hard place to find right now. Try to be aware of tension being held in your body and let it go. Expect about 50% out of yourself and know that people who love you will get it and let you be where you are...and still love you. I know all of these things are hard to do...I get it. I feel most times that I am functioning at 30%. Know that we're thinking of you and sending you energy and courage.peace to you...Marie
  9. Marty... Just wanted to tell you how much I appreciated this article. It was so validating. My sense has been that this is a sacred journey...soul work. I faced the diagnosis and death of my closest friend with that knowledge. It has been so hard, the deepest work I have ever done....but somewhere inside I have known that this pain, this time in grief...is a gift to me. I know that may sound really strange to alot of people. I don't discount the pain I have experienced in this loss...or anyone else's loss. I am thankful for the lessons...most of which I haven't even recognized yet. It will take years to integrate them all..once I can see clear enough again. I am still, at 1 year and 1 month, grieving and in that sacred place. I have seen a lessening in intensity of sorrow and despair, thank you God. I have felt this grief on every level..and the pain has opened up parts of myself that I knew were always there,but never connected with.It has opened the doors to my soul and spirituality in ways that I still cannot totally believe yet. Thank you for your book, this article, this forum and your work/purpose. love and peace in the new year... Marie
  10. Hi Jeff.. I'm dealing with some of the same stuff right now with family members. No one in my family has had to deal with the death of a person close to them..so I find very little support within my family.My husband says he knows it takes time, but at the same time I get little jabs pertaining to my reduced motivation and functioning. Makes me want to slap him...scarier is that it is affecting my feelings/opinion of him.I've noticed that some of my family members have dissappeared as well...meaning..I used to talk to them once a week and now it will be a month or so. I could understand if I moaned nonstop about my pain in our conversations, but I don't. I am very aware of how much of my grief I allow to come out with certain people..just in my own attempt to protect them and to protect myself from their judgements about how long it's been going on. I don't know if it's me, if I am being too sensitive..but I pick up almost a disgust from people if I say or show my grief. These are the people who haven't lost anyone.Although it may not be very evolved of me, a part of me thinks..."one day you'll be in this hell yourself...and remember your judgement of me". Your boss was probably coming from the right place...but left his tact behind.Wouldn't it have been better if he had just said..."I get it" and left you alone.I guess this is just one of those hard things about grief...we are alone and it's very personal. My grief is different from anyone else's. I guess I'm to the point where this forum is where I come to for the understanding and support I need and deserve. Once i feel "back on my feet" again...I'm not sure how I will feel towards the people who have shown so little support. Grief has a way of clearing out the clutter they say.Sorry for the rambling...but this is a hot issue for me lately. Know that I get it and understand...let it take as long as it takes. peace to you...Marie
  11. Hi all... I am reading about so many of us having anxiety/panic attacks. I know they are horrible and terrifying. I've experienced the panic at times in the past and in this experience of grief I have had mostly anxiety that just stays around constantly. I have xanax in my purse and my doc prescribed lexapro. He said the lexapro will greatly reduce the anxiety. My sister takes it and says it has made huge changes for her. She is calmer and clearer, she says. I haven't taken the lexapro yet...I have taken the xanax on occasion. Mostly, I just try to breathe thru it all. I might be smarter to get on these things on a regular basis...they say that is the best way to take these meds. I think they are a blessing..they are good to use to help us thru it all. I agree with alot of the other posts...if it works, take it. It doesn't mean you have to stay on it forever,if you don't need it.An herbal alternative to try is valerian root. Don't mix it with any other anti anxiety or depression drugs though. I take one of these to sleep at night and it knocks me out. Walmart sells it. Also, beef up your B-complex vitamins and get 600mg of magnesium a day..for nerves/stress.Rescue remedy is a flower essence tincture for anxiety...find that at most health food stores.If you have the energy, get into a brisk walk if you feel the anxiety rising and remember..."this too shall pass". I know it is not easy. I think it's also good to remember that a panic attack is an actual physical reaction to stress/a perceived threat. So don't feel like you are going crazy..you're not. Your body is just reacting to an emotional cue.I am praying for everyone suffering these attacks...I know the hell that they are. I pray for peace and calm for all of you/us.Keep breathing deep breaths. Peace and healing to all. Marie
  12. Hi all... I can REALLY relate to not wanting to leave the house. I think in grief we feel so unbelievably vulnerable...home feels safe...or the safest place to be. For the last year since my friend died, I have felt like alot of the things I used to do are so unimportant now, so trivial. I've also noticed my willingness to put up with crap from others is gone. My filters are gone..I'm hurt, I'm pissed and my priorities have changed. I also notice that my ability to deal with stressful or painful events is greatly reduced...I get uptight and dizzy with any added stress. I have felt really afraid that i was becoming a hermit...but I think this is time that we need to ourselves. I don't want to expose myself to any more harm or potential for harm...so home feels safe for now. I do go out, but not as much as I did. Everything requires so much effort and energy...emotionally and physically. It is frustrating when you used to be so much more active as I was. It's wierd...like I'm in a movie and every now and then I'll get this "subliminal bleep" on the screen and it shows me rejoining "life" again...it makes me feel encouraged and also tells me to be patient. The time is coming when i will again join in with life. I am restructuring (read:getting my poop together) and after day to day steps of moving forward, I will see that the new normal has become my comfort zone, my life...and I'll have been swimming in it for a while before I realize I'm doing it. So for those of us who feel better at home...I say good..be as peaceful as you can, wherever you can.This is tough stuff...hard work. Our defenses are down and we are exposed...or so we feel. So protecting ourselves is good, as long as we are not shutting down. We have to continue reaching forward and that may mean 3 steps up and two back...but so what. This is a struggle and we're gonna feel like crap as our bodies, minds and hearts process all that has happened. We'll live to raid the sale racks again...when WE feel like it...so give yourself room to work the process however you choose. love, Marie
  13. Hi all... First..Paul, you've restored my faith in a man's ability to access his emotions and communicate them verbally. Long story...but thanks!! Jeff...I can really relate to the surreal sensations you're having. It's like a dreamworld at times...sometimes actually I feel drugged. Creating or evolving (or processing your emotions) into a new normal does take a while. When something shakes up your reality, it takes a while to sort it all out again...and to incorporate the new perspectives and lessons, whether you wanted them or not! Grief is not easy work, maybe the hardest and deepest work that we do here. It forces us to look inward, to face our own mortality, to ask ourselves all the questions that we had avoided until the loss brought them to the surface...which it does. I read in a book that going thru grief is like driving in a thick fog...you can only see a few feet in front of you..but if you are patient and keep moving...you can get there. It has been a year now that I lost my best friend to a 2 year battle with breast cancer. Before that I had never experienced grief...I had NO idea of what I was in for. I thought I had lost it...I read alot of books and came to realize that what I was feeling was normal..it still scares me at times. The fact that you came here seeking comfort and info is a very healthy sign...you want to learn and grow and thrive again.Keep feeling, writing, talking...burn off energy if you have any...you'll get there. Peace to you..Marie
  14. Hi Shell and Derek...thanks for your comforting replies...it makes me feel better to think I will get beyond all the intense stuff. I've been told that the physical manifestations last much longer than the emotional.It has definately gotten easier emotionally and I guess physically too. I think the numbness and shock have worn off and my body is feeling everything again. I know I was in shock physically, for a while. I couldn't feel parts of my body..I slowly feel it returning to normal...and I mean slowly. I feel like I've been run over by a train...a long one...or that I've been shattered into a million pieces and I'm picking them all up and putting them back together again. I am trying to incorporate as much fun, joy into my life as I can. I feel like I am operating at about 50..maybe 60% of who I am...who I was. I pray for strength, faith and patience...because I think those are the main things to get us thru. Peace to everyone here.Marie
  15. Hi Everyone..I haven't written in a while, but I am reading along. I have hit the one year mark...the one year anniversary of when my best friend died. I honestly think that the anticipation and angst over the one year mark was worse than the actual day. I guess because I know daily that my friend has died...and the one year anniversary was a painful reminder, but it also showed me that time has moved on and I have in small amounts. I still feel crappy emotionally, like damage has been done that I will never heal from. Physically, I am wobbly and weak feeling...I feel sick...but can't pinpoint where in my body. I've had $2000. worth of bloodwork done and they tell me I'm healthier than I've ever been. Amazing, because I feel at times like I am dying. Has anyone else experienced the wobbly, uncoordination and out of sync feelings? I know it's part of it, but it still scares me. I want to feel good again...to be able to relax and be in my body, in my life. I want to know and feel excitement and peace again. I am exhausted...help...I need to know it's all normal for grief and it will eventually end.Thanks...Marie
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