I'm not holding up very well. I'm 29 and 2 years ago my mother, who's now 59, had a severe stroke in her brain and became permanently disabled. Only a short time later, she had a lower leg amputation because of a heel ulcer affected by her diabetes. She's permanently in a wheelchair, she's lost the majority of her speech, and she's in a nursing home. After this happened I felt like my world fell apart. My mom was my best friend, and my entire relationship with her was gone. I experienced tremendous grief, however, time went by and I began to form a new relationship with my mom in her current condition. Now she's at risk of losing her other leg to diabetes, and her vision is failing. I feel like I cannot take anymore. The thought of her having to go through another amputation is so crippling that I literally feel physically ill. I haven't been able to sleep in weeks, I have lost all interest in things I used to enjoy, and I've become completely withdrawn. Probably the worst part is watching my mom's personality change. Whether its from the stroke or depression (or both), she doesn't even act like my mom. Although I love her so much, I dread spending time with her because she doesn't even look like or act like the mother that I had 2 years ago. Before the risk of her 2nd amputation I felt like there was still hope...hope that she could get some rehab and still live a good life. Now I feel like that tiny glimmer of hope I had has just slipped through my fingers. I also feel so guilty because sometimes I wish that she never came out of the coma after her stroke. I feel so horrible for thinking like that, but I do. There's just been so much pain these last 2 years, and I just don't know how I can handle anymore.
